Insight but still leaves me baffled

[spiderowl]

It's me again, hoping to pick your brains. It really does help to hear what others think and to have your perspective.

 

I am/was really confused. I am seeing a guy very occasionally. It started out as meeting and then appeared to be 'dating' but without him doing the usual dating things. He didn't offer to take me for a meal, for example, but did take me on a day out (which cost petrol).

 

Anyway, we kissed on a few occasions but it never developed beyond that; circumstances were just not right and I was not sure about him.

 

He is quite a rigid thinker in some ways. I can't go into more detail as it would be obvious to him if he ever read this.

 

We seem to have almost opposite lifestyles, waking/sleeping, etc., different diets.

 

He is impuslve, I am not.

 

There seemed to be many ways in which we were not compatible long term, but we seem to enjoy meeting and chatting and going out occasionally.

 

But I have no idea where this is going and feel that it can't. We always seemed to be out of sync with each other. He contacts me at short notice but knows I like some warning.

 

I find this guy attractive, which confuses matters, as, if I didn't, things would be a lot clearer.

 

So I am thinking maybe he thinks this is a kind of friendship and he is happy with that? But then again, we hug when we meet and when we separate and he always hangs on to me and does not seem to want to let go. When we last met for a coffee, I got the feeling he wanted to kiss me after he hugged me but that he was waiting for me to do that rather than initiate himself.

 

So I have no idea what we are doing, think we are not compatible long term, but feel an attraction. He seems to feel an attraction too but I do not know what he wants.

 

I know I have been feeling confused about all this, things not quite working out, being out of sync, etc., but I only realised today that what I felt must be accidental sabotage of the natural 'flow' of a relationship could be be deliberate. It makes sense to me and I feel relieved to know that it's not just me somehow messing this up. I think he could be trying to sabotage things or throw me off balance as it feels like that is what is happening.

 

What do you think is going on? This guy seems to want to meet, but he replies erratically to sms messages, avoids talking about relationship type things and in fact rambles about pointless things sometimes, and generally seems to wreck any chance of any consistency developing. He invites me to go places with him and wants to go and stay somewhere at least overnight, so he must still like my company.

Edited August 16, 2019 by spiderowl

[shydad]

What do you think is going on?

Hi spiderowl, it's hard to know without more detail. How long have you been seeing him, and how frequently? Clearly you both like each other, romantically, but not yet passionately. Having more detail of where this relationship has been (quantified) will provide more clarity as to where it's leading, and when. It "feels like" things are going pretty slowly, though. That's not necessarily bad, though.

[spiderowl]

Thank you for your reply shydad. Things have been moving incredibly slowly but I am responsible for that too. As I mentioned, I have such doubts about all this due to what I see are incompatibilities.

 

We have been seeing each other, maybe once or twice a month, for about two years. In that time, we have kissed about three times. He initiated.

 

Things went awry (for the umpteenth time) when he tried to drop in on me without warning. I was not happy about this. It seems at that point he wanted to know if we could still be friends. So that's where we are - wherever it is! I was just so confused all the time.

 

I do think he is sabotaging things but because he contacts me and asks if I'd like to go out, I think he must like me - or is bored!

[Beendaredonedat]

Maybe he thinks of you as an activity partner? Do you do fun things together?

[schlumpy]

What do you think is going on?

 

Impulsive or careless? An impulsive man would have taken opportunity to kiss you.

 

The way you describe he sounds conflicted. There is something holding him back. Maybe it's in his background or maybe you aren't sending the right signals or maybe he can't read you because you are, as you stated, not in sync.

 

Some men need to have their faces rubbed in the fact that a woman likes them before they will act. Just making yourself available isn't enough. Many women do not like that and will view it as weak but it just comes down to wanting to know for sure that you are wanted.

 

When he calls for coffee are you enthusiastic or do you play it coy with a, "Yes, I have nothing else to do today." You have to be more than friendly to be more than friends.

 

He also sounds a bit eccentric. As if he is fascinated by tiny details that he finds extremely significant but most people would not consider for 2 seconds.

 

I guess this is the best picture we will get of him since you are afraid he is active on the forum and will recognize himself.

 

A few random thoughts for you.

[greymatter]

spiderowl, I don't know how this has gone on for so long with no clarification around what you are to each other. It is totally within your power to resolve the questions in your mind by being direct (which I suspect does not come naturally to you ). It would be natural to bring it up as something you are curious about, if you aren't sure how to broach the subject. It does not need to be a big heavy discussion. You can ask him if he has any romantic interest in you or if he just sees the two of you as friends or whatever way you feel comfortable phrasing it. It sounds like you have to know, so put it out there and see what happens.

[shydad]

I have no idea where this is going ... We have been seeing each other, maybe once or twice a month, for about two years.

 

Hi spiderowl, I think this is going where it's already been. Unless one of you becomes motivated to change the dynamics of the relationship, it seems likely to remain a solid friendship with infrequent hintings of the possibility of more. Are you satisfied with what you have, or do you want more from this relationship?

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

Stop questioning his behavior. Stop looking at clues for what he is thinking or feeling. Stop looking at him and look at you!!!

 

Your post states that you are incompatible. Are you happy with being with a incompatible partner? You say you are confused. Are you happy being confused all time?

 

Take your power back. What do you want?

 

A relationship partner should make you feel safe, loved and accepted. There is no confusion in a healthy partnership.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend!!!

[snowcones]

I think it's a friendship and my advice to you is think of it that way. Forever. If you enjoy spending time with him when you do, that's fine, you can do that, but date other people as well and keep moving forward with others.

[chillii]

Yeah , l'd call it a friendship type thing with a little bit of temptation and infatuation thrown in.

And the fact your so out of sync has probably stopped things happening when they should've a long time ago, if they were going to l mean.

l suppose you could step it up to a more romantic level but l'd say once that urge was satisfied there'd probly be nowhere else to take it.

 

ps, you could always talk to him about it to be sure and clear the air once and for all about just what you guys are and doing.

[Foxhall]

Its possible perhaps that you are not making it easy for him,

 

such as when he tries to kiss you, you are turning your cheek and being half-hearted about it,

 

you also mention meeting "occasionally" which may be preventing any passion developing,

 

try being more spontaneous with him and let yourself go,

 

take a chance, open up more and see will things ignite

[Maggiemay1]

Is this the same guy you posted about a few days ago???

 

Does this guy travel for work? Doesn’t take you out on dates but spends petrol money at the expense of his boss, not him?

Shows up unexpectedly when it suits him? Ignoring your stance on that?

 

He is married for sure!!! Right??

[kendahke]

Have you ever told him how you felt about him or what you're looking for from any relationship you get involved in?

 

The fact you two have been dating as long as you have and the notion of him either taking you out on a date or expressing his attraction to you tells me that he's not as invested in this as you are.

[Lotsgoingon]

He's attractive, you say ... But so what?! Looks are not enough to sustain a good relationship.

 

You lay out all the ways you are not compatible. One way you are not compatible is that you guys can't communicate clearly with each other. In a compatible relationship, you would know what you feel and what you want ... and you would know what he feels and what he wants.

 

The confusion you have is itself evidence that you aren't compatible.

 

Now, to go a step deeper ... Suppose he was more clear in his intentions and he made clear he was interested ... and he kissed you more passionately. (BTW, a non-passionate kiss at this point is definitely RED FLAG.) ... But let's supposed he was more decisive, that still does NOT answer the question ... nor necessarily should affect the question-- of what do YOU want.

 

So to answer your own question ... let's say you did want a relationship with this guy ... There are two major problems you have described right here.

 

One, you and he can't communicate well ... and he doesn't communicate well. A person needs to make clear their intentions at some point and respond quickly to texts and all of that ... Two, you aren't compatible with schedules and with his rigid thinking and on and on. You're noticing red flags.

 

Relax, you're not sabotaging yourself. Not at all. The only sabotage is that you have not set clear boundaries, expectations. You're just going along ... at his pace ...

 

Let go ... move on ... definitely a friend ... but assuming that ... you want to meet less frequently. And you definitely want to get clear on some standards and what you want in a relationship.

 

Here are some criteria: in a good relationship, especially early on ... you'll feel on a high ... wonderful high DURING the dates ... and afterwards ... You'll stay in frequent touch. You will express to each other exactly what you're feeling. You'll express some long term goals and be excited about each other's long term goals and see some compatibility there. You would feel that his strengths far far outweigh his quirks and weaknesses and you won't have to think about this very hard. You'll be very clear in your feelings. Your confusion is a sign of disinterest on your part.

Edited August 16, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[smackie9]

I don't know why you are entertaining the idea of a relationship with a guy that has nothing in common with you. I agree, attraction alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. That $%^& wears off after about 6 months, and you are left with wasting your time. You are putting in waaaaay too much thought, and should be putting your energy into dating other men....keep your options open.

[notthatintome]

It sounds like a friendship to me. If something more was to happen, it definitely would have done by now. Is he married? Or have a partner? That could explain him liking your company but not taking it further.

 

 

I think you should just ask him where you stand - it has been long enough now and will put your mind at ease. If it is not the answer your want, you can at least move on and find something more fulfilling.

[spiderowl]

Maybe he thinks of you as an activity partner? Do you do fun things together?

 

Thanks Beendare, I think that's what he wants, but I must be the most inactive activity partner he's met!

 

He likes to go out and do things, yes. I do think he is attracted to me as well and he has said this.

[spiderowl]

Impulsive or careless? An impulsive man would have taken opportunity to kiss you. The way you describe he sounds conflicted. There is something holding him back. Maybe it's in his background or maybe you aren't sending the right signals or maybe he can't read you because you are, as you stated, not in sync......

 

Thank you for your thoughts schlumpy. I think he must be conflicted. I don't blame him at all because I am very conflicted and do not think we are compatible long term. What does one do in that situation? Just end it? 'It' is not defined, which could be a saving grace. To be honest, I have been very unavailable, partly due to work and partly due to last-minute requests. I don't even know what I want here. I know he would want it to develop physically but if it does, that just complicates matters if we are both conflicted?

Edited August 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[spiderowl]

spiderowl, I don't know how this has gone on for so long with no clarification around what you are to each other. It is totally within your power to resolve the questions in your mind by being direct (which I suspect does not come naturally to you ). It would be natural to bring it up as something you are curious about, if you aren't sure how to broach the subject. It does not need to be a big heavy discussion. You can ask him if he has any romantic interest in you or if he just sees the two of you as friends or whatever way you feel comfortable phrasing it. It sounds like you have to know, so put it out there and see what happens.

 

Thank you greymatter. I have thought on a few occasions we could talk about this but somehow we have ended up in a rambling conversation about something he is working on. The thing is, as I don't think we are compatible long term, I can't see where this can go. I think he's quite traditional in some ways so something physical would mean more commitment. I'm not sure that would help either of us. Maybe we are both confused.

[spiderowl]

Hi spiderowl, I think this is going where it's already been. Unless one of you becomes motivated to change the dynamics of the relationship, it seems likely to remain a solid friendship with infrequent hintings of the possibility of more. Are you satisfied with what you have, or do you want more from this relationship?

 

 

I would have liked more but the incompatibilities make me wary of going there. I feel his lifestyle would constrain mine. He is not keen on the internet, tv, mobile phone, and lives a fairly purist kind of lifestyle. These are all a bit 'out there' for me and I can't be the person that would fit that lifestyle, nor do I want to be.

 

Also, he does not seem to understand my health problems and that I need understanding and emotional support. I think he thinks if I changed my way of thinking, most of those problems would go away. I find it hard to contemplate being with someone who thinks like that even though he has not specifically said so. I just sense it. He's not likely to change and neither am I, so we seem stuck and confused.

 

Aside from all that he is fun to be with and we both enjoy nature and just doing something different. He'd probably be better off with someone more like him. It's a great shame.

Edited August 16, 2019 by spiderowl

[spiderowl]

Is this the same guy you posted about a few days ago???

 

Does this guy travel for work? Doesn’t take you out on dates but spends petrol money at the expense of his boss, not him?

Shows up unexpectedly when it suits him? Ignoring your stance on that?

 

He is married for sure!!! Right??

 

I don't know, now I'm confused! He does not travel for work; he is retired. He doesn't tend to take me out on dates. He pays the petrol himself. Yes, he has showed up unexpectedly to help with something but I was not happy about the lack of warning. He knows now that I need warning but I don't think he's happy with that. He's definitely not married. I have been to his house at different times of day and met some of his family.

Edited August 16, 2019 by spiderowl

[rainbow12]

if he avoids talking about relationships and commitments then it tells me that he's not looking for that with you, He only wants some sensual thing going on and nothing demanding. You're attracted to him that's a bonus but you shouldn't lay down all his quirks and flaws, I'm sure he loves your company but you really need to speak to him and find out whats really going on. We can only guess whats going on in his mind.

[Rogue Vampyre]

It's me again, hoping to pick your brains. It really does help to hear what others think and to have your perspective....

 

You both like hanging out & seems like your into eachother. Other than that though I don't see this going anywhere based on what you wrote. Its like your both scared to take it further.

Edited August 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[spiderowl]

You both like hanging out & seems like your into eachother. Other than that though I don't see this going anywhere based on what you wrote. Its like your both scared to take it further.

 

Thank you. Yes, I guess that's where we are. It's such a shame because he's a very likeable guy.

[Gretchen12]

You can probably hang out with, and enjoy the company of many men out there that are likeable and pretty good looking. Doesn't mean it leads to a relationship. People who are socialized, can get along reasonably well with others that are socialized. Most times it doesn't lead to a relationship. When there's a spark, you know it, and there's momentum. With this guy it's lukewarm dragging feet to pull teeth. It's not taking off. Maybe what we have here is just two people looking for love but not each other.