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When a guy you are dating goes on a vacation


toomanyquestions123

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toomanyquestions123

The one I've been dating went 3 days ago to a beach destination vacation with three other girls and three other guys. Before he left and so i can protect myself from any frustration, i let him know that i'm not gonna frequently communicate with him but he can still send me pictures. Unexpectedly, before he left, he tested the waters if i want to persu a relationship with him, i told him to talk about it after he comes back home, and to have fun and do whatever he wants when he is abroad. We talked bunch of times since then, i checked up on him if he landed safely, and he commented on an insta story of mine but that was it. I know he is not supposed to talk to me while he is abroad and i am the one who told him not to, but still if a guy is really interested in you and just asked you if you want to be his GF, isn't he supposed to check up on me once in a while? It looks like he is really having a lot of fun and he is drunk most of the times. Should i just wait for him to text me once he goes back and not initiate any any communication? It is not like its bugging me, im not bothered by it, by i need to do the right thing.

 

Also, I am going on a vacation to a beach destination with my friends and to attend a wedding in Greece in 2 weeks, i told myself if he doesnt communicate with me in his vacation then I'm gonna do exactly the same when i go on mine.

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He asked you to be his gf and in reply you basically gave him a pass to go enjoy himself with other women and that you weren't gonna bother texting him while he was on holiday...

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Hi Toomanyquestions, you're playing too many mind games.

 

Seems you are upset you're not included or upset that he's leaving to go on vacation/having fun without you. Is there a reason why you're not included? Like, was the vacation planned before becoming exclusive with you? You can't take off from work? His friends don't know you yet/it's a close friend kind of vacation? If that's the case, I don't see any problems with him going on a pre-planned vacation with his friends without you.

 

Why are you frustrated that he's going on vacation anyways? He asked you out, but seems like you turned him down almost like you're trying to punish him. And again you're trying to punish him for not checking up with you/communicating with you by doing the same thing when you go on vacation. On one hand you're telling him not to talk to you (really childish mind game here), but on the other you're planning to punish him for not talking to you or checking up on you. That's not good. It won't be a healthy relationship. You should be happy that he's happy and having fun.

Edited by Kelliousme
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Personally I wouldn't blame him for not checking up on you daily and treating you more like a friend, he asked you to be his girlfriend and you turned him down. So it's more than likely he is taking that on face value, enjoying his holiday and will resume normal contact with you when he's back.

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Reset your relationship when he gets back and clear the board of all the silly obstacles. Make it easy for him to be with you. When you go on vacation show him how a committed couple act while away from one another.

 

If he acts clueless, then punish him.

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Hi Toomanyquestions, you're playing too many mind games.

 

....

 

 

Exactly, reading way too much into behavior you encouraged him to pursue.

 

 

Please excuse me if the following comes off as strident. I've done the same as the original poster. Just another perspective and it does bug me that we seem to judge people a lot these days by their skills at communicating by thumb typing into a little window.

 

 

If me, even if I wanted to reach out to you after you mentioned no need to text, have fun, I'd have second thoughts as you might find it clingy not hearing you. A kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. Or in modern parlance mind games.

 

 

 

 

I'm still amazed about how much analysis is put into impersonal communication, text, social media, even to an extent the phone.

 

 

We all know from experience how tone and so many other in person signals of communication (body language, eyes contact, etc.) is lost in these forms of communication but people still seem to extract much more meaning from them (especially when they are limited) than warranted.

 

 

We also know that the ability of people to detect a lie in person is horrible, we all think we can do it (and maybe with people we've known a long time we can) but study after study has shown that we can't.

 

 

 

 

I mean hey, go for it, but realize there may be more a projecting yourself onto those tea leaves than deep insights or visions of the future.

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toomanyquestions123

He planned and booked everything before we even met. I'm not bothered that he is on a vacation with his friends, of course not, I'm just wondering if someone that asked me to be exclusive with him on the same day of this trip, isn't he supposed to wonder how am i doing, send me pictures, or anything? I mean it's okay if he doesn't, i wanted to take this time also to think if i want to be exclusive with him since when he comes back we will have this talk, but i least expect he will contact me once before he returns back on Saturday. I will not punish him when i go to the Greece, but if he enjoying his time too much that he forgot my existence, that's what i will do in Greece. If it happened that we became exclusive before my trip, i will maturely address this to him, that communication is important to me even when someone travels.

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Ok so he was told that he's not in a relationship, he can do whatever he wants on this vacation including romancing other women, and don't contact you.

 

Some things you cannot undo.

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I'm just wondering if someone that asked me to be exclusive with him on the same day of this trip, isn't he supposed to wonder how am i doing, send me pictures, or anything?

 

If you had said yes you wanted exclusivity, of course he should be doing those things. You said no. Thus he is not debasing himself by chasing you.

 

When you learn to communicate clearly you will stop having problems in relationships. It's totally unfair of you to be annoyed at him because he did what you told him to. It's not his fault that you wanted him to do the opposite of what you said. In essence you lied to him.

 

If you truly want a relationship now you are obligated to pick up the laboring oar. You best chase him to reassure him that you like him & are not a flake who is playing games with his feelings.

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If you had said yes you wanted exclusivity, of course he should be doing those things. You said no. Thus he is not debasing himself by chasing you.

 

Had I been going on holiday, and I asked my "date" for exclusivity and he told me no and for me to go and have "fun" and that he was not going to bother contacting me on my holiday, we would be finished forthwith...

I would assume that whilst I was away he would be entertaining other lady friends... and did not want to cramp his style by promising me exclusivity.

 

What on earth were you thinking?

I get playing hard to get, but this is ridiculous...

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Had I been going on holiday, and I asked my "date" for exclusivity and he told me no and for me to go and have "fun" and that he was not going to bother contacting me on my holiday, we would be finished forthwith...

I would assume that whilst I was away he would be entertaining other lady friends...

 

I wouldn’t assume that, but I would know most definitely that he was not interested in dating me and I would end the relationship at that point.

 

These are silly games to play...

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toomanyquestions123

Just to clear things out, I was not playing games and i did not turn him down. Simply, I do not know if i want to be exclusive with him yet, it's only been 1 month, he didn't take me on a dinner yet, we just do "activities","clubbing""sports","beaches" together, I am still not sure about him also. And his question came out of nowhere, imagine me saying yes i agree or i want to be together just like that on "Whatsapp". I just told him that we will talk when he comes back, i did not turn him down. Also, i gave him the green light to do whatever he wants because i do not want to pressure him. But you all have a point, i will check on him at night maybe.

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Why do you need to be "sure" to be exclusive?

Are you going to be sleeping with others?

 

Exclusive just means neither are sleeping with other people, it is not a promise to marry him, have his children and die in his arms...

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Does “activities” mean sex?

 

While, it may only have been a month and he hasn’t taken you to dinner yet, you make it sound like you have done quite a few things together and spent quite a bit of time together.

 

I agree with Elaine’s, saying yess to being exclusive was not a lifelong commitment. It just gives you both peace of mind that you won’t sleep with others while on holiday... unless, that’s not what you want.

 

TMM, you could have perhaps been a bit more clear. You sent him on holiday with - a lot of questions - about the relationship. Easy to misunderstand what you said and why your response wasn’t an enthusiastic “yes!”

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And his question came out of nowhere, imagine me saying yes i agree or i want to be together just like that on "Whatsapp". I just told him that we will talk when he comes back, i did not turn him down.

 

This is why it's a terrible idea to have deep conversations about emotions & relationships through any means other than face to face.

 

While you asked to talk about it later, I still suspect he took it as a rejection.

 

Had you been able to talk face to face I think you could have made it clearer to him non-verbally that you simply wanted more time to assess the situation & you were just keeping a slower pace. You would have also gotten non-verbal info about his intentions & the sincerity of the request for exclusivity.

 

Now though, you are going to have to work to keep this together. If you don't reassure him after this miscommunication, this will be over. So IMO the ball remains in your court.

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And his question came out of nowhere, imagine me saying yes i agree or i want to be together just like that on "Whatsapp". I just told him that we will talk when he comes back, i did not turn him down.

 

 

I think he threw you a kibble to keep you sweet while he was away. I do not think his behavior would be any different if you had said yes.

 

You both seem not ready for exclusiveness. Only date him for longer and go have a fantastic time in Greece.

See where things are for the two of you after you return.

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Just to clear things out, I was not playing games and i did not turn him down. Simply, I do not know if i want to be exclusive with him yet, it's only been 1 month, he didn't take me on a dinner yet, we just do "activities","clubbing""sports","beaches" together, I am still not sure about him also. And his question came out of nowhere, imagine me saying yes i agree or i want to be together just like that on "Whatsapp". I just told him that we will talk when he comes back, i did not turn him down. Also, i gave him the green light to do whatever he wants because i do not want to pressure him. But you all have a point, i will check on him at night maybe.

"Giving the green light to do whatever he wants" was probably the worst thing you cold have done. You have been doing 'activities' which I assume sleeping with each other, and you basically completely de valued yourself by telling him he is free to do the same with others.

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Twizzlestick

It seems this is seated in a misunderstanding of how what you said will appear to someone. It’s thinking with the boot on the other foot type thing.

 

You’re not sure about exclusivity, gave some coms that will clearly indicate this, yet surprised his behaviour doesn’t continue in a persuant fashion. If you hadn’t told him you won’t be talking whilst he’s away, you’d probably have heard from him.

 

As a man if I’d been on the end of what you said -

 

1/ I bought up the issue of exclusivity and had it kicked into the long grass -

2/ an instruction that you won’t be in comms whlist I’m away

3/ an instruction to do what I want on holiday

 

... then I’d deduce firmly someone is not “that into me”. In fact of probably write it all off after that if it had come after I bought up exclusivity. I wouldn’t then go against all the above messaging whilst away like a lemon.

 

You need to explain with voice, as I can see him thinking this is on the rocks before it’s started. He might have already lost interest thinking it’s all a bit too games playing and a red flag.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Before he left, i let him know that i'm not gonna frequently communicate with him

 

i told him to have fun and do whatever he wants when he is abroad.

 

if a guy is really interested in you and just asked you if you want to be his GF, isn't he supposed to check up on me once in a while?.

 

That's a $#!+ test if ever I saw one.

 

No--you told him you're not interested in being his girlfriend and to not check in with you.

 

You are playing manipulative games, not speaking your truth and sending out mixed signals despite your protests to the contrary.

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Oh man. Poor guy. This is all so confusing and riddled with $h1t tests and games. Regardless of what you meant to convey, this is what he heard:

 

1. No I don't want to be in a relationship with you

2. Don't contact me when you are away

3. Feel free to hook up and screw around

4. Because I'm going to do the same

 

I'm pretty sure he's just following your requests. OP you often get what you ask for and this is what you asked for. And now you're upset about it???

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Here let me try a different way.

 

The OP's story in food:

So I have been going to this Greek cafe recently. I've been there a bunch - I love their souvlaki! The waiter knows me by name. Anyhow, the other day I went in and sat at my usual table. The waiter came up and said, "will you be having the usual Ms. toomanyquestions123 - souvlaki and a glass of sauvignon blanc?"

 

To which I said, "no, I'll have the greek salad and a glass of ice water. And also, I just want to hang out here and work for a bit, if you don't mind, so no need to check in on me or bring me the check. I'll ask if I need something."

 

And I can't believe it. He didn't bring me my souvlaki and white wine. Instead I got this this crappy ass greek salad and ice water. And he didn't even come by to see if my meal was to my liking or even to refill my water glass! The service was terrible. I finally had to wave him down to even get the check! I'm thinking of never going back to that cafe again. So disappointed they treated me that way.

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The thing is, if you even thought you wanted to have an exclusive relationship with this man in the future, you should have told him that.

 

Because, now he goes on vacation wondering/thinking about the fact that you didn’t say “yes.” You didn’t say “no,” but you also didn’t say “yes.”

 

Which means, he probably heard it as a no. And then, his mind continues to wander from there (see above)...

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toomanyquestions123

I understand from where all this is coming from, and even when i said let's talk after u come back because i want you to do whatever you want in this trip, he said "you and I when we are exclusive we will do whatever we want except the cheating part, you will go out with your friends, club, travel, but simply we won't cheat" & insecure me said "but you can do that also in this trip and then when you come back we will have the exclusive talk". Why i said that? Because I am scared to start a new relationship, i am scared to get hurt again, I really am. Do i want to start a new something and get hurt again? or do i want to stay single and not worry about anyone? Those are the thoughts that ran in my mind when he asked this...

 

Anyway, yesterday, i send him a message that im gad he is enjoying his time, he replied by "where have you been" with a kiss emoji, i told him "I'm here, work, enrolled at the gym(he encouraged me), he said "Im so proud of you", and then he said he is going to a "xxx" concert, i told him i wanna go, he said"we will go together to a lot of concerts", so i replied by "i hope we will". And that was it, tomorrow he is coming back, i gave him the vibe that i am still here, waiting.

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I understand from where all this is coming from, and even when i said let's talk after u come back because i want you to do whatever you want in this trip, he said "you and I when we are exclusive we will do whatever we want except the cheating part, you will go out with your friends, club, travel, but simply we won't cheat" & insecure me said "but you can do that also in this trip and then when you come back we will have the exclusive talk". Why i said that? Because I am scared to start a new relationship, i am scared to get hurt again, I really am. Do i want to start a new something and get hurt again? or do i want to stay single and not worry about anyone? Those are the thoughts that ran in my mind when he asked this...
This is such a horrible thing to say. He must have been shaken by it.

 

 

 

Obviously you are not ready for exclusivity and I don't think you should get into it at this point. You are not in a state of mind to be a romantic partner. Fear is your fuel at this time and it cannot be the base for a solid start.

 

 

 

Your first step is to be honest to him as much as you have been honest to yourself in this post. You will never regret playing the honest card, he'll respect you more for it. As of now everything you told him was meant to push him away and you're very lucky he's replied to your message. If a man I date had told me to go have fun and get laid then we'll speak exclusivity I'd be gone.

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] I am scared to start a new relationship, i am scared to get hurt again,

 

Then stay out of relationships.

 

Anything undertaken with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome.

 

We all get hurt--that is how we develop character and resilience and wisdom. You want to be emotionally and developmentally stuck the rest of your life where you are?

 

I can tell you this: you're going to remain exactly where you find yourself right now if you can't figure out how to stop sending mixed signals and asking for what you don't want just to appear approachable/attractive.

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