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4 great dates and he updated his tinder profile


dramallama

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Hi, I'm a newbie, and refugee from another forum that was full of trolls - hoping this one is a bit less acidic!

 

 

I matched with this guy over a month ago, and we've seen each other 4 times in 4 weeks. Initially we both said we were probably looking for FWB but open to more if it developed - we seemed a VERY unlikely match but are very attracted to each other. Each time we've seen each other he's commented how much he's enjoyed my company - he's made me laugh with how direct / obviously suprised he's been that the company is good - we missed the movie we were supposed to see on our third date we were having such a laugh. Yes we've slept together on three of the dates, that was kind of the point - but we've also gone out and done things.

 

 

 

Anyway, on Friday we chatted and both agreed we wanted to spent 'lots more time together' - he says I make him feel like he's winning at life, which felt lovely. There's a bit of distance between us but it's not unworkable. Then he went away for the weekend with his friend, and I saw on Monday morning he'd updated his tinder profile in the middle of the night.

 

 

 

I felt a bit confused by the timing more than anything, but his profile sounds more like he's looking for a relationship now, so I just put a reaction on one of the pics as a bit of an 'I see you' but trying to do it in a non-drama way, and he sent me a string of heart-eye emoji in response. We haven't spoken yet since that, but we only really speak once a week between dates so that's not unusual.

 

 

 

We've only met 4 times, I've had other dates (nothing intimate though, i prefer to know who is responsible if there's a condom fail and some kind of accident) but I had the impression we were going to keep seeing each other and see if it developed.

 

 

 

Could this still be in the offing, or should I just forget about him? He's very likely to contact me in the next couple of days if he's going to at all and I'm not sure how to handle it. I like him. I'm not sure just what's there yet, but I also don't want to feel like I'm back up girl while he's actively searching for the one.

 

 

 

I read something about people 'putting someone in the basket but continuing to shop around just in case, when they're considering going to the checkout' but is that just wishful thinking nonsense?

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It sounds like he is looking for a gf but keeping FWBs until that happens. A lot of men do not make a FWB their gf. Also dating is about getting to know someone to see if you feel the passion, chemistry and compatibility to go into a relationship. Maybe you should just ask him if he sees you as that woman and if not to let you know so you can move on. Maybe you still only want a FWB and not a relationship, is that the case?

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Agree with stillafool. By sleeping with this guy right away, you've already sealed your status with him as a FWB; someone who is not girlfriend material. Like stillafool pointed out, most men will not make a FWB their girlfriend.

 

Also, whenever a guy 'future talks' that's usually because his hormones are raging and he's horny as hell and wants to entice the woman into believing she has a future with him...all so he can get laid.

 

The fact that he updated his Tinder profile after 4 dates with you is a clear signal to you that he's still in the dating game, looking for "the one." If he was seriously going to pursue a relationship with you, he would have shut down his Tinder profile. Sounds like he's keeping his options open.

 

If you're ok with being his FWB while he looks for a girlfriend, go for it. Otherwise, I'd bail on this connection b/c he's not taking his connection with you seriously. Men show women with their actions how they feel about them. He updated his Tinder profile after 4 dates with you.

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IMO (like everyone said) when you agree to a FWB arrangement, most likely it doesn't get you a relationship later. You are still an option at this time.

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If he was seriously going to pursue a relationship with you, he would have shut down his Tinder profile. Sounds like he's keeping his options open. If you're ok with being his FWB while he looks for a girlfriend, go for it.

 

^ Fairly accurate. However, I don't think you can presume that he has lots of intention for finding a girlfriend/relationship.

 

If he's smooth enough that tinder chicks are beating a path to his door, why would he want to shut that down? The way this works is, #1 priority is getting laid regularly and having fun. If his cup runneth over, he can keep doing it until/unless he meets a standout that he is motivated to lock her down and take himself off the market for. If he's gettin' plenty, and variety too, that's a pretty high bar.

 

The trick is to get him to a) see you as different, and b) begin developing feelings and dating-dating (as opposed to hooking up) if you want a relationship.

 

Sometimes women are so used to guys operating from scarcity that they don't grasp that the fundamentals are different when they encounter a guy who enjoys abundance.

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Was that toxic site e-not alone? They are feral over there.

 

I see nothing, in what you've written, where it was obvious that this guy was zeroing in on you as a girlfriend. Even though you two get along well, that in and of itself doesn't mean that he sees potential going forward. He may just think you're a cool chick, but he's still looking and not ready to choose you.

 

Keep dating other guys and don't put yourself in your own basket waiting on the hope that he comes around. He was in your presence 4 times, had sex with you 3 of those times and that wasn't enough to close the deal for him.

 

Get out of your head on this one until he tells you something concrete and indisputable about his intentions as far as you and his future are concerned. In the meantime, update your profile pictures.

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As mentioned, if a guy wants a FWB with you, he doesn't see you as a potential LTR for whatever reason.

 

 

If you want a long term relationship, do not start it as a FWB.

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Is it possible that his update on Tinder was actually in your favor? If he was still interested in playing the field why even update?

 

 

Instead is it possible that is he is signaling that he is done doing hook-ups, to lower the matchers he gets, because he met you and is thinking about more than just FWB with you?

 

 

His response to you was the emoji with heart eyes? I think that sends a signal he is in to you.

 

 

That is, he tried FWB, met you and realized he wants more, he changes his profile to signal that to the world, and you, and his response is to let you know you are the one he is most thinking of in that regard.

 

 

Of course, one way to be sure is to ask him, ask him if he is thinking about more than FWB with you...of course only if you'd like more as well.

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Michelle ma Belle

I agree with all those who said you basically set the tone for what you have with this guy for better or worse.

 

If you want more from him or want to be in the running for "girlfriend", you may have to just come out and talk to him about it.

 

Updating one's profile while dating is NOT a good sign. I've been known to to this and it's only because I'm trying to keep my options open. If/when I find someone I want to focus on, I often forget I even have a profile never mind update it.

 

I think both men and women, when they get into these situations where it starts off casual, hesitate having "the talk" later for fear it might scare the other away or make them seem clingy or needy. But if you want clarification and especially if you want to change your status with him, you will have to confront him on it. If not, you will have to get comfortable with the fact that you're his back-up girl and nothing more. If not, time to tap out.

 

This all starts and ends with you.

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I totally agree with pretty much everything said :)

 

 

 

I really did set the tone for this - I even said after our first coffee 'I'm not sure this will go further than a bit of fun' because I was judgey mcjudgerson and took his nerves to be lack of ability to converse. He's MUCH more attractive than anyone I've ever dated - we're not particularly mismatched, I just don't usually fancy the pretty ones!

 

 

 

I updated my profile last night - it felt a bit pathetic and game-player but actually this is making me realise I don't want another FWB (I ended a year+ FWB in June, left husband of 13 years Dec 2017), I do want more. So I updated my profile to say what I want!

 

 

 

He commented/reacted to every single update and text me as well with the amazingly open to misinterpretation "How are we love?", but it was super late when I saw his message (after midnight) so I chose to read the 'we' as Lancastrian dialect for 'you' rather than an 'us', responded as such and we had a brief chat about my knee injury and his go-to remedies and a bit of other chat and he said 'We must meet up again'. I've responded that my daughter is away from x so am more flexible than usual, but then he sent 'goodnight' (it was about 2am so that's fair!).

 

 

 

And so we wait... and if/when we meet we'll have a chat and I can ask him straight out what he's hunting for and where I sit in regards to that; and consider how I feel about the response. If I can let him put his penis in me, I think I can spit a few awkward sentences out that might kill a nice-seeming thing, in which case it needed killing anyway.

 

 

 

Meanwhile I've got a date on Monday... keep those options open...

 

 

 

I'm new to this American style of dating, but it certainly does help with the emotional attachment side of things.

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Trail Blazer

I have a FWB and I can't ever see myself wanting a relationship with her. She set the tone with that at the very beginning and I cannot really separate the two.

 

As bad as it sounds, as a guy I will gladly have sex with you at the drop of a hat the moment we meet, but by doing so I'll probably not respect you enough to feel you're relationship material. It might be hypocritical in a way, but it is what it is.

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Michelle ma Belle
I have a FWB and I can't ever see myself wanting a relationship with her. She set the tone with that at the very beginning and I cannot really separate the two.

 

As bad as it sounds, as a guy I will gladly have sex with you at the drop of a hat the moment we meet, but by doing so I'll probably not respect you enough to feel you're relationship material. It might be hypocritical in a way, but it is what it is.

 

I feel the pretty much the same way.

 

I have never turned a FWB into a relationship even if/when the guy has expressed a desire to upgrade.

 

I think it's because it takes a certain mindset for ME to see someone as casual - having to put emotions in check etc. Once I put them in that box and proceed in such a way , it's next to impossible to go back to seeing them as anything more.

 

I think some of it has to do with how they see me as well. If they see me as good enough for a casual thing but not quite good enough for a legit relationship then that says a lot. If I'm fine with that arrangement as well then we've effectively sealed the deal on how far this will ever go. Even if I did like them more than expected, I still wouldn't move forward with them.

 

I don't like being an after thought or someone's second choice.

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I....

 

As bad as it sounds, as a guy I will gladly have sex with you at the drop of a hat the moment we meet, but by doing so I'll probably not respect you enough to feel you're relationship material. It might be hypocritical in a way, but it is what it is.

 

 

Just to mess with the statistics, that's not me. Yes I can have sex almost at the drop of a hat but I don't have sex with someone I don't feel some connection to (even if later I was completely wrong) who at least in the moment would have potential.

 

 

I'm part of the equation too, I can't judge her having first date sex as not being relationship material when I think I am.

 

 

I also don't assume she does it with every man she dates, I don't with every woman I date even if it is an easy possibility.

 

 

Lastly, never found any correlation in the time to first sex and the duration or quality of the relationship in my relationships.

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@SumGuy I'd be interested in your perpsective on my update, you had a different view from the others about why he was updating his profile and I think his reaction to my profile update was definitely territorial (I know men can be territorial without having feelings), but his response to what I'm looking for was a winking emoji - cheeky guy knows exactly how mysterious that is!

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There is absolutely no chance in hell that he updated his tinder profile for your benefit.

After 4 dates , IF he was interested in becoming exclusive , there are numerous ways of suggesting so.

 

My best guess is that he had a few knock backs from girls who only want a relationship, so he changed his “looking for” aspect to seeking a relationship to up his matches and prospects.

 

Saying outright initially that you are seeking fwb’s but open to a relationship, will only serve not to get you a relationship.

If a relationship is your ultimate goal , then that’s what should be on your profile.

 

Players don’t care. They will pretend that’s what they want too if that’s what it takes to bed you. And since you don’t mind casual sex , then that’s all good, bring em on!

 

The whole point of fwb’s is that it is easy with open honest communication. No drama.

But here you are playing games? Why?

It doesn’t make sense??

 

Ask him? What have you got to lose?

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@SumGuy I'd be interested in your perpsective on my update, you had a different view from the others about why he was updating his profile and I think his reaction to my profile update was definitely territorial (I know men can be territorial without having feelings), but his response to what I'm looking for was a winking emoji - cheeky guy knows exactly how mysterious that is!

 

Out of all the responses on this thread you picked the one that gave you the most hope that he somehow updated his profile for your benefit. :p:laugh:

 

Stop telling guys "I'm not sure this will go further" unless you are sure and mean it. I've noticed back when I was dating the person who said similar were always the first one to fall in love.

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i don't agree with the point that if you are fwb you will never be in a relationship with that person.

 

I've had multiple fwb with whom i entered into a relationship later on because we spent so much time together and it just naturally happened. You begin as a fwb, and you both see other people as well. Then over time, you begin to spend more and more time together and just kinda stop seeing other people and then you become exclusive without even having to say it. Saw multiple cases with other people go like that as well.

 

Just because both of them agreed on being fwb does not mean it won't evolve to something else. In your case, it's either that he is honest that he wants a relationship with you but for now still wants to see other people since remember, you two are not in a relationship yet, or he is lying about wanting to be in a relationship and will just stay fwb with you, but i do not think this is the case.

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I've had multiple fwb with whom i entered into a relationship later on because we spent so much time together and it just naturally happened.

 

That's the exception and not the rule for FWB's. Most of them go no further than what they are.

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That's the exception and not the rule for FWB's. Most of them go no further than what they are.

 

But the ones that do, end up being the best relationships.

 

And i wouldn't say MOST of them don't go further. If you spend a lot of the time together and most importantly, have a lot of fun together, it's bound to happen naturally at some point. Of course, there are guys who just want go around and be with a bunch of women at the same time, and they are not looking for a relationship, but since most guys are pretty bad at finding and maintaining more women at the same time, it often happens that they end up in a relationship.

 

It all depends on what kind of a guy OP's fwb is.

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But the ones that do, end up being the best relationships.

 

And i wouldn't say MOST of them don't go further. If you spend a lot of the time together and most importantly, have a lot of fun together, it's bound to happen naturally at some point. Of course, there are guys who just want go around and be with a bunch of women at the same time, and they are not looking for a relationship, but since most guys are pretty bad at finding and maintaining more women at the same time, it often happens that they end up in a relationship.

 

It all depends on what kind of a guy OP's fwb is.

It's definitely not 'bound to happen'. Most of them don't go further is the truth. I've had a number of FWB and know friend that have also and 100% of all of these have not developed into anything serious. So yes you are the exception.

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If you spend a lot of the time together and most importantly, have a lot of fun together, it's bound to happen naturally at some point.

 

Most FWBs don't spend a lot of time together. It is mostly a sexual relationship. The problem is a lot of women accept a FWB set up in hopes of making the guy their man.

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It's definitely not 'bound to happen'. Most of them don't go further is the truth. I've had a number of FWB and know friend that have also and 100% of all of these have not developed into anything serious. So yes you are the exception.

 

Well as i said, in my case and in cases of most of my friends it did develop into something more, so in my life, and in situations i encountered and witnessed,i definitely am not the exception. It's just the opposite of your situation. I guess it depends on number of factors, possibly even the place where you live.

 

@stillafool

 

It doesn't have to be. Of course, sex is the main action, but once you do start to like someone more, you begin doing other activities, and that is where you start going towards being exclusive. Even if you are just ****buddies, when you are bored, or you are going somewhere and you want company, you will invite one of your fwb. It's not just sex.

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But the ones that do, end up being the best relationships.
I doubt it. FWB are based on physical attraction only. While you check each other out you don't concern yourself with past history and common interest. It's only based on 'you're good enough to shag'.

 

If you spend a lot of the time together and most importantly, have a lot of fun together, it's bound to happen naturally at some point. Of course, there are guys who just want go around and be with a bunch of women at the same time, and they are not looking for a relationship, but since most guys are pretty bad at finding and maintaining more women at the same time, it often happens that they end up in a relationship.

.

And the key word is IF you spend a lot of time together. FWB isn't made to spent 'time' together, it's made to spend time in bed. OP's guy only contact her once a week to set up the next meeting. They don't spend 'time' together and they're not learning about each other. This man is NOT a candidate for turning a FWB into a relationship.
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@SumGuy I'd be interested in your perpsective on my update, you had a different view from the others about why he was updating his profile and I think his reaction to my profile update was definitely territorial (I know men can be territorial without having feelings), but his response to what I'm looking for was a winking emoji - cheeky guy knows exactly how mysterious that is!

 

 

In my view he's avoiding answering the question, a question that really should be answered in a more straightforward manner. I realize people like to be vague ("mysterious") there is dating advice about that, it's just not my view. I really don't want my interaction with someone to be like consulting the oracle of Delphi. Was it a winking emoji or a kissy winking emoji, etc. Let's read the emoji entrails. Who has time for that?

 

 

I do like flirtation and some coyness, but not such "mystery." I find it immature at best and manipulative at worse. That is, are you now supposed to jump through some hoop to figure out what this person means?

 

 

Realize I'm divorced, in my 50's, with three kids, not desperate, looking to date slightly geeky women for a possible LTR. Life has taught me all those times I thought I would never meet anyone great again, I was dead wrong.

 

 

I'm nothing if not understanding of others fears, like maybe his of not knowing what the "right" thing to say is. Hint, the right thing to say in situations like this is an honest answer. If it was me I'd likely respond with a LOL (or lol emoji) and say something like "no seriously, what are you looking for."

 

 

Now, realize he may not know, that's fine, he may lie (look to actions after not just words), he may be off put that such a question would be asked before you slept with him a few times (red flag), etc.

 

 

If his reaction to your update was really territorial (not questioning just haven't read it if you posted it) to me that is a big yellow flag. My understanding is you are barely, if even, seeing each other. No exclusivity promises have been made. It basically to me signals a sense of ownership of you and judgment of what you can and can't do. That's like marriage level stuff, and even then if that's the kind of marriage you want.

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