Is it best to end it early

[somelamedude]

You guys have been pretty good at giving advice, so on here again after meeting yet another lying, dishonest girl. So I've been recently tested and came back clean. I'm wanting to find a good girl who is also clean. I hit it off with a girl who seemed sweet on her description. On her dating profile, she's stating she wants something serious, and isn't into hook ups. She told me that she wanted to have a sleep over, and had the entire day off like I did the next day, that she isn't wanting to hook up, that this would be a cuddle and fall asleep and spend the entire day getting to know one another (she usually according to her, lives out of state for school).

 

 

This of course was a lie, and we ended up hooking up (I don't know if she's clean). The next morning she asks what is wrong, but I didn't tell her and needed time to recollect myself, so I dropped her off where she was staying. Eventually I told her that I've been wanting to take a different approach on things and want to make sure the woman I am with is clean. She turns around and tells me, that she's only had s*x once and it was with her ex. She also supposedly works in a chem lab for the government at a very young age of 18-19, and is required to get a physical, which includes a full STD screening, every six months, and that I am lucky because she was recently tested and has the papers to prove it.

 

 

 

Well, I took a nap, and later told her I wanted to see it, so I could put my mind at ease and that she could see my papers (fair is fair). She flips. She even starts crying on the phone and says she actually doesn't have the papers and that her mom has it, and that it would be embarrassing to ask for it. I told her that I don't feel comfortable sleeping with her again, and wouldn't mind to take things slow. She felt I was punishing her and that it wasn't fair, and that she feels like I'm gonna end this "relationship" because of it (we're not in a relationship because I just met her but didn't want to correct her because she was hysterical).

 

 

 

Throughout our day together, different stories started to come out and it was apparent she's had s*x with more than her ex before we met. I didn't want to bring it up, but she was telling me she was blunt and that she sometimes surprises her mom and aunt who were talking about what they liked in men and in the bedroom. I tried to have the date go normal, but she kept making it very awkward and sometimes would bring it up again, then accuse me of making our first date together awkward by constantly bringing it up.

 

 

Towards the end of the date, I told her I didn't, and that I tried to talk about everything else, but she would at times keep bringing it up. We argue. She told me she really likes me and is willing to get tested again, but hypothetically if she had something, it's too late (which is true, but some of my scares in the past that pushed me to get tested before were with women who confessed having STDs or had visible signs and I got tested ASAP and came back clean, which is shy of a miracle).

 

 

 

Anyways I told her where I was coming from, and that I don't trust women from previous experiences, that due to our sexist society, a lot of them would lie when the last time they had s*x, or with how many people. I told her I don't care about the number of partners people had and one of my pet peeves is when women try to make me feel good by lying about it, ESPECIALLY when I didn't even ask for their number of partners. I used an analogy of women trying to up sell their "value" by acting like their mileage between their legs is like a used car, that many of them act like they're the "Ferrari with low mileage that an old widow is selling you at a fantastic price" when in reality they're the "old 1998 Toyota Corolla with missing hub caps and over 150,000 miles" and that I don't care, because I'm not a hypocrite, I'm a Toyota Corolla too, and that the lie itself is more bothersome than the actual number.

 

 

She at first comes clean and admits she's had 23 sexual partners, and I asked for clarity that these aren't people she dated, that she actually slept with and she said yes. So anyways she told me she never lies and that she thought I was asking her how many people she had a serious relationship with. As I was driving her back home, I told her that she did lie and I pulled the texts. She backpedals again and said that she's only had sex once and that she dated 23 people. I'm a bit agitated.

 

 

Anyways throughout our date, I've learned that her parents are divorced, dad is doing okay but reconnected with her years later and is happily married, whereas her mom cheated on her dad, has been married 3 times, the other two were abusive and alcoholics. She also has PTSD and other disorders and hints at potentially being molested.

 

 

 

I feel bad that I keep running into crappy women. I don't want her to feel like I just want to pump and dump, but after getting to know her (her wanting to spend the night again and me having to refuse and take her home after she knows how I feel) I don't feel comfortable in pursuing a relationship. I'm honestly wanting to slowly end things and go out with her 3 more times and tell her that it isn't working out.

 

 

Oh and I think she's lied about the job and her schooling, because hint hint, she doesn't have to work for quite some time and is planning on going to school here. There's just too many inconsistencies and red flags.

 

 

Anyways, any suggestions on if I should end it now or end it after 3 dates? Should I keep pushing her to show me her tests, or is that a waste of time? Also do chem lab jobs exist for barely graduated high schoolers that pay $5k a month that require bi-annual STD screenings as part of a supposed physical screening requirement or is that full of BS?

 

 

Anyways would appreciate feedback, and yes, I did wear protection, but am regretting it.

Edited August 14, 2019 by somelamedude

[Maggiemay1]

Why would you think it’s better to wait out 3 dates before dumping someone?

 

Your intention is to dump this nut job right?

 

It is illegal to discriminate an employee based on HIV status unless it means they can’t perforn their duties or pose a threat. So what would be the point in testing an employee when the result has no impact?

And a junior in a Chem lab? Seriously no one cares if she has chlamydia !!

 

She is an adult , so why would her mother have her results anyway?

 

Wow she is off her rocker! And clearly thinks you are stupid enough to believe her lies?!

 

If you want to date a clean girl, realise that a clean girl will not suggest a sleepover on the first meet!!!

 

Book yourself in for yet another sti check. If you gave her oral , make sure they do a throat swab for gonorrhoea too.

 

Next time try dating someone for a couple of months before giving someone your address.

[Calmandfocused]

I’m sorry but I think you are 100% in the wrong here.

 

Not only are you projecting your past experiences onto her, you are being demanding and controlling. Was she demanding to see your “clean” papers? No she was not.

 

You do know that it takes 2 people to consent to sex right? She probably changed her mind because she liked you at the time it happened. What’s wrong with that?

 

You’ve made her anxious and confused and you had no right to do that to someone you barely know.

 

Let her go. You’ve messed up here big time!

[Blind-Sided]

Lies, and a changing story... GONE ! Easy as that.

[Kelliousme]

I’m sorry but I think you are 100% in the wrong here.

 

Not only are you projecting your past experiences onto her, you are being demanding and controlling. Was she demanding to see your “clean” papers? No she was not.

 

You do know that it takes 2 people to consent to sex right? She probably changed her mind because she liked you at the time it happened. What’s wrong with that?

 

You’ve made her anxious and confused and you had no right to do that to someone you barely know.

 

Let her go. You’ve messed up here big time!

 

Takes 2 people to consent to sex and 2 hands to clap. OP wouldn't have asked her for the papers if she didn't mention it in the first place. She lies over and over again, changes her story every single time she gets caught. Sorry but if I was OP I wouldn't even ask to see the paper work.. she'd be long gone

 

OP, if she's been lying since day 1.. I really don't see why you're still with her. Like you said, it's okay to have many sexual partners before but it's not ok to consistently lie about it. Oh man she even cried when you asked her to provide the results. Huge red flags everywhere. RUN lol.

[salparadise]

Wow! This is upside down. The time to ask to see test results is BEFORE you have sex, and the time to ask how many people she has had sex with is approximately never.. Nobody owes you an answer to that question, but if she's phukking you on the first date it's safe to assume it's more than you can count on your fingers.

 

I never ask. I never even asked my ex-wife (though I had some idea). If we're in a relationship I will eventually come to know in a general way whether it's a few or a lot, but to press someone on the first date is just crass. She should've told you it's none of your damn business, and to let her out at the next corner. And once you realize she's a liar, same deal –– out.

[somelamedude]

Thanks for your responses.

 

 

 

@Maggiemay1 I don't want to come off as a huge jerk is why. If I make her genuinely believe that I tried but it failed, there won't be as much blow back? However I have been researching the ADA and found that you're right, it is illegal in most cases, however if there's health issues involved that could endanger people, and the job can't make up for it, they have a special case in their hand to discriminate. My problem is usually jobs like those require experience, and how in the world did a girl who barely graduated high school land a job like that? I also forgot to mention that her major has nothing to do with chemistry. So it seems like a huge lie.

 

 

 

@Calmandfocused I haven't messed up yet, she still does really really really like me. Out of curiosity, do you think it's a mess up to be safe? I know I did things backwards, but why is it wrong to ask for something to be safe? Also I'm not sure what your stance is when it comes to women making demands for men?

 

 

 

@Blind-Sided I know but I'm trying to find the least non a**hole way of doing that.

 

 

 

@Kelliousme exactly! and I'm debating that, I'm just trying to get more info to see what all she's lying about so I could end it.

 

 

 

@salparadise If you read my post, I never asked. After doing the deed, she told me that I was her second ever having s*x with, and second time she supposedly done it with. Big flag there because unless she deflowered herself, or never was born with a hymen, it's painful, and it could reseal itself if she had sex once then waited for quite some time to do it again. She also throughout the date brought up inconsistencies. It was basically me stating "Hey I'm paying attention to everything you say and it's conflicting with earlier stuff that you've said"

[kendahke]

again after meeting yet another lying, dishonest girl

 

You need to get to the bottom of why you've attracted yet another lying, dishonest girl--and not only did you attract her, but you gave her safe harbor when she hadn't proven herself to be trustworthy to begin with.

 

When she fell out about her STD paperwork is when you should have hung up on her and blocked her---because everything else out of her mouth after that lie cannot be trusted---and that's a colossal waste of time and youth.

 

Pro tip: when young girls get caught up in their lying F-ery, the first thing they do to deflect is to turn on the water works to get you to feel sorry for them. Don't get sidetracked on that manipulation tactic.

 

She is a manipulator--all liars are.

 

I'm honestly wanting to slowly end things and go out with her 3 more times and tell her that it isn't working out.

Stop being complicit in your own mess. End things quickly, pull up your big boy pants and tell her today it's not working out and leave her alone.

 

Unless you love drama...

Edited August 14, 2019 by kendahke

[SumGuy]

....

 

Anyways, any suggestions on if I should end it now or end it after 3 dates?

End it now; do her and yourself a favor and end it respectfully ASAP.

 

 

Should I keep pushing her to show me her tests, or is that a waste of time?

Waste of time, and could be seen as harassment.

 

 

Also do chem lab jobs exist for barely graduated high schoolers that pay $5k a month that require bi-annual STD screenings as part of a supposed physical screening requirement or is that full of BS?

 

 

If a lab handles human bodily fluids, especially blood, yes regular testing is a thing. Especially upon hire as they don't want you to sue them later for a condition you had before hire.

 

 

Labor can be the highest cost per sample for labs that do high volume work, and high volume lab tests are almost certainly highly automated/routine so using the cheapest labor they can is a thing. So would not assume it is BS.

[olivetree]

If you don't want to date a liar, don't date one.

 

What is the significance of 3 more dates?

This all seems too heavy and not fun anyway.

[Calmandfocused]

@Calmandfocused I haven't messed up yet, she still does really really really like me. Out of curiosity, do you think it's a mess up to be safe? I know I did things backwards, but why is it wrong to ask for something to be safe? Also I'm not sure what your stance is when it comes to women making demands for men?

 

 

No, I think being safe is absolutely the right thing to do. Of course it is. What I’m saying is: the lies aside (I agree that’s on her) you did the wrong thing by making demands from her after the event... and then question her about her sexual history. To be honest, I don’t really think that was fair on her at all especially as you had already slept with her. If that happened to me I’d feel pretty devalued and used. Furthermore, I don’t believe that the number of sexual partners correlates with how sexually promiscuous/ sexually unsafe someone is, but that’s a whole different topic.

[Mrin]

End it now.

[Maggiemay1]

 

If a lab handles human bodily fluids, especially blood, yes regular testing is a thing. Especially upon hire as they don't want you to sue them later for a condition you had before hire.

 

 

This is absolutely NOT true!

 

I work in a laboratory , specifically infectious diseases including stis.

We are NOT tested , prior to or during employment.

 

The only exception is if a needle stick injury occurs and even then we are NOT tested. Instead blood is drawn for long term storage only in case one develops HIV or hepatitis at at later stage. Then and only then would they test the original sample.

 

In 25 years , I have never been tested by my employer. It would be illegal to do so.

 

And most certainly no employee would ever ask someone to get tested for chlamydia , herpes , trichomonas, pubic lice or gonorrhoea . These are not laboratory acquired. That’s absurd.

 

Also , labour is definitely not a major cost factor in laboratories. Even the equipment is not. It’s the daily reagents used.

For example if one person tests 20 people for influenza in one hour.

The cost for that would be around $1000 in reagents and equipment alone. The labour cost $40.

 

This girl is a liar.

 

OP, end it now. You owe her nothing.

[The Outlaw]

She's proven more than once that she can't be trusted in anything she says and since there are too many inconsistencies and red flags, it would be best to end it now. Carefully. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first. She isn't worth it.

[spiderowl]

Lies about things aside, I am surprised she put up with your questioning and did not bail as soon as you started to quiz her. It takes two to have sex, not just one. This means that you had sex too and now you are quizzing her about how 'easy' she is and if she is clean. I think she should dump you asap. You were not very nice to her.

 

If you do not want to sleep with a woman who has not been tested recently, then don't do it! It is under your control - you do not have to have sex. You were not forced.

 

I don't know what has gone on before but if you treat every woman like she is a whore for sleeping with you and anyone before you, then you will find yourself alone. She is under no obligation to tell you anything and you are under no obligation to sleep with her, if you are not happy with that.

 

Say what you want upfront regarding testing so that the woman knows what the pre-requisites are. She can then choose whether or not to meet your requirements before meeting up.

[Gretchen12]

She told me that she wanted to have a sleep over ... that this would be a cuddle and fall asleep ...

 

This of course was a lie, and we ended up hooking up (I don't know if she's clean).

 

I couldn't get past this one. So, what, she forced you? You're not taking responsibility of your own actions. You regret hooking up then you blamed her for it.

 

I know you are unaware of this: in the way you talk (esp. the part about the mileage - it's so crass I can't even retype what you wrote) there's disrespect of the female gender.

 

Most misogynists don't believe they hate women. But it comes out in the way they talk about women. You started off with the "yet another lying, dishonest girl".

 

Did this girl lie? Probably, but she's gone now. I don't know your dating history and what led to this disrespect. Anyway when you do meet a "good girl" as you put it, you won't be good enough for her unless you get rid of any offensive attitudes toward women. You want to make a new start then start with a new attitude.

[somelamedude]

Thanks again everyone for your input.

 

 

 

@kendahke part of me yearns for a LTR. I miss it. But what I keep coming across is easy come easy go. Like the easier it is for the girl to want to jump in, the more messed up she happens to be. And yes, I should have just hung up because throughout getting to know her, yes everything did come out to be a huge flipping lie.

 

 

@SumGuy I shouldn't assume, however my assumption actually did turn out to be correct. I did just end it and made it clear to her.

 

@olivetree I was trying to lessen the blow. But I did finally just end it. She was super persistent in spending the night again after she knew how I felt.

 

@Calmandfocused I understand now. She did express her feelings about that. However she did tell me after the deed that she had the papers to show me since she came across mine (I showed her more and told her what I'm trying to accomplish) and I could see it at any time. That's not true. But yes the lies is what did it for me.

 

@Mrin Oh I finally did and blocked her even.

 

@Maggiemay1 Yes the girl did lie, and I found out through borderline stalkish research that she actually works for the Peace Corps and I did see where they are required to get tested quite a bit, since the main demographic is 18-25yo with raging hormones. Even on the government websites, they anticipate, even after telling these kids the risks, that they'll still have s*x a lot and a good number of them will catch something. However, she lied because her job, even though it's considered through the government isn't what she made it out to be (every actual chem job I found requires an AA or more), and she isn't paid a lot, like she says, and there were a lot of minor silly things that she changed to make this "job" more lavish in style. People may get deferred if they have HIV and on rare occasions could get kicked out of the department. Other STDs/STIs, doesn't affect your qualifications at the slightest. This volunteer job, actually has superb Health Insurance that treats these diseases. I'm keeping an eye out for any signs, but will most likely get tested again at the turn of next year. One thing that does scare me, is since she isn't part of the Peace Corps at the moment and isn't going back to school, one has to wonder, did she fail her STD testing and is being deferred until proper medication is provided? She did smell horrible down there, and I should have stopped right there and then (she could have Trich).. she's possibly got something.

 

@The Outlaw I actually did end it with her. There were more red flags from this chick than a Communist Chinese parade.

 

@spiderowl I didn't question her. Let me make this clear, if you and I were talking, and I told you I had a red car, then later down the road I tell you about my black car, and when you ask "so you have 2 cars?" that isn't probing. The fact of the matter is her stories kept changing. She even admitted having loads of one night stands and tired of getting with jerks, just to turn around and again say that she has only been with her ex boyfriend and once. That's a pet a peeve right there and that's why I eventually called her on it. And yes, I'm actually going to bring up the testing thing, but I've been coming up with with ways how to bring it up casually. For example, a lot of girls have told guys I know, and I've been told this too, "I don't sleep on the first date, giving you a heads up" and instead of bringing up the STD thing, I plan on telling them "Good to hear, neither do I for my own reasons" and will bring them up if things get heated (hopefully I have more self control at that time).

 

@Gretchen12 she didn't force me, and actually during a conversation, she did bring that up. I did tell her that I am taking full responsibility but I am trying to slow it down. And if you read my post, I even compared myself to the Toyota Corolla. We're not perfect, but lying and pretending to be, regardless of gender is horrible. The thing is I'm actually self renovating to become the best version of myself so I can find a good person. That's why I've been beating myself up over what had happened.

Edited August 15, 2019 by somelamedude

[Maggiemay1]

@somelamedude ,

 

Why do you not believe me when I tell you that there is NO requirement to get sti checks in any employment or voluntary work??

 

Yes , people might be offered free testing should they wish!!! But the results do not affect their position at all!!! It is confidential!!

 

You now know that you had sex with someone dodgy wrt sexual history and you are going to wait until next year to get sti tests done? And potentially risk your fertility ? Really?

 

How are you going to explain to a future partner that you can’t have children because you decided to wait out after having sex with a high risk girl to get tested for chlamydia which can lie dormant for months to years yet cause infertility?

[kendahke]

 

@kendahke part of me yearns for a LTR. I miss it. But what I keep coming across is easy come easy go. Like the easier it is for the girl to want to jump in, the more messed up she happens to be. And yes, I should have just hung up because throughout getting to know her, yes everything did come out to be a huge flipping lie..

 

While it obviously sticks in your craw, go back and really re-read Gretchen12's #16 post and think on what she said because she is on the money.

 

Anytime someone says "yet again" about an action they repeatedly and willfully engaged in of their own volition, then the "definition of insanity" quote immediately comes to mind: "doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result".

 

There is a reason why you are repeatedly attracted to messes--the same character keeps showing up in a different body and you're not catching on that there's some lesson you've needed to learn for some time now that you're either refusing to learn or are too proud to learn---and pride goes before destruction.

 

I did see where they are required to get tested quite a bit

Link?

 

From the Peace Corp's web site:

As part of the agency's commitment to ensuring that all Volunteers receive necessary and appropriate health care during service, the Peace Corps conducts individualized medical assessments of all Volunteers and applicants, including those who are HIV-positive.

 

Because of the circumstances where Volunteers serve, some health conditions that are easily managed in the U.S. present serious health risks in the countries where Peace Corps Volunteers serve. Volunteers can only serve in programs and countries that can support their medical needs, as determined by the Health History Form completed with the application.

 

Once a Volunteer arrives in their country of service, Peace Corps medical officers are available to provide health-care services to Volunteers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The Peace Corps provides immunizations, medical supplies, medications, and full health-care coverage while in service, including, if necessary, air ambulance to a regional medical hub or the U.S. for treatment. “

 

From the National Peace Corps Association site:

To fully understand the policies it is important to go to the beginning of a volunteer’s service and the mandatory medical examination before a Volunteer is placed. All invitees go through a thorough medical examination before entering service which includes HIV screening. If an invitee has any chronic medical condition, including HIV, they are given an individualized medical assessment to determine what accommodations are necessary and what countries can accommodate their medical condition.

 

 

That says nothing about them seeking anyone out to std test them during employment--it just says that if you have some manageable condition, you'll receive care and you won't get sent to certain regions that are not able to deal with your illness if you're that ill.

Edited August 15, 2019 by kendahke

[somelamedude]

@Maggiemay1

No, I'm going to get tested around December/January. My last visit, the doc (and the previous one before) told me that constant testing isn't the way to go, that you want to test either annually or bi-annually just because you could get a disease and have it not show up right away. So I've been on a near daily basis, checking for warts, checking for rashes, checking for any burning sensation with urination (almost always though I've had "slight burning" after sex and I don't know why but it's not from STDs). I wore protection and didn't perform oral on the girl. Also when we had sex, the lights were on and I didn't see anything to cause alarm, other than the bad smell when she got excited (could either be from poor hygiene or Trich). So either on December/January, I do plan on getting tested.

 

 

@kendahke thanks for the reply, I skimmed through it the first time and didn't realize now that you're right it isn't mandatory.. what does have me worried though is the girl's dishonesty, and the fact that she isn't currently going to school nor being sent out (it was last minute). Not sure if she was hoping I'd BF her right away and she didn't want to jeopardize that, or she did tell me the truth about being tested and does have something and failed to mention that she failed it. It doesn't matter, I've kicked her to the curb and out of my life. I'm not gonna keep fighting for papers or stress to death over it.

[Fekenaws]

Dude, just break up. Seriously, save yourself the drama, anxiety, and headaches.

[notthatintome]

I couldn't quite believe what i was reading here! You had sex with her and then demanded to see her papers to see if she was 'clean'!!! That is a really crappy thing to do! If it is that important to you, you should have waited until trust was built, asked to see her papers beforehand or left her alone.

 

 

 

i feel for this girl. She has clearly has had a rough time, has low self esteem and maybe seeks comfort and love through sex. She trusted you enough to take care of her and you treated her like a complete moron. You should be ashamed of yourself. The lies she told may have been to paint herself in the best light, we all do it in some form. Maybe she did have too much baggage for you to take on but you should have thought about this before you slept with her.

 

 

 

Perhaps you should think about your behaviour first before blaming 'crappy women'. Like attracts like after all.

 

 

 

I think you need to do the decent thing and finish with this girl now. Don't prolong it for another 3 dates, that is just cruel. she is clearly in need of some love and care and that is not you, so let her find it elsewhere.

 

 

 

I recently made the mistake of sleeping with a guy on a first date and he was nothing but gentleman. It was me who freaked out because i assumed he was using me (he wasn't). If he asked for my papers, i would have had written him off as a complete jerk and never would have contacted him again.

 

 

Maybe not the answer you wanted but crappy or not, women have feelings and should be handled with care.

[Twizzlestick]

Mm OP. You do seem to have rather reaped the whirlwind on this one .

 

Bare in mind some postings probably are tainted by others experiences current and old. I’ve never been in yours or her shoes on this situation, so my unbiased opinion.

 

What you did wasn’t bad, per say. Crass yes I suppose it could be said. Your fault is you’re clearly a bit anxious after a previous experience and that’s understandable but you let that get the better of you in how you handled it. Are you Satan himself for that? Absolutely bloody not. At best she smited a bit, with stung feelings like a horse with a smack backside, it was a bit er “direct”. Her feelings weren’t destroyed to smitherines for’er more and she won’t retire to life in a convent like a broken little waif. She’s an adult, not porcelain.

 

here’s the rub, remove gender and she’s an adult like you who consented to sex. Either one of you could’ve asked for the STD sheet in that clumsy slightly neurotic fashion. If she’d asked you it would’ve been the same level of crass. No more, it doesn’t make you bad, just misguided. Perhaps work on that one

 

For her, well, she flips her story more times than a thief carrying a bag of golden watches. She’s not a saint.

 

Moving forward, perhaps get to know someone properly before sex and if you’re still really hung up on stds have the conversation in a gentle manner before you have it off with your new partner. If they flip then, well just go easy on demanding proof and papers like a stazi agent seaking promotion, you probably have your answer .

[SumGuy]

@...burning sensation with urination (almost always though I've had "slight burning" after sex and I don't know why but it's not from STDs). I wore protection ....

 

 

Do your condoms have spermicide? Some people have that kind of reaction to it.