Too good to be true?

[spiderowl]

This is an OLD question. I'm used to OLD but not sure what to make of this.

 

Met a guy on an OLD site (not in person) and we chatted online one night. He seemed lovely. He said kind things, was a gentleman (no smutty chat while making it clear he was attracted), wanted to meet up, is divorced and single, intelligent, has a responsible, high-level job. Main problem was distance, although he travels for his work and if he is truly unattached, who knows? We did get on well chatting.

 

I liked him. He seemed genuine. It all seemed too good to be true. I thought to myself, 'there must be a catch!'

 

He didn't ask for my phone number, which is unusual, but it was a first chat and he had to go because he was travelling to a job in the morning. He has the kind of job which requires a specialist to visit various industrial sites scattered around the country. He did say that the job was one of the reasons he was single as it is hard to combine that responsibility with dating.

 

So, we communicated four days ago originally and he has got back in touch again via a message on the site . He is saying he's been away all this time. I saw his message. He said he had been 'thinking about' me, but I don't know, I'm just not convinced. I felt quite hurt he wasn't around on the site for four days. It seems a long time without contact if you are 'thinking about' someone. Although some of the areas he may have travelled to could have been remote, they are major industrial sites and one would expect internet/mobile signals to be available. Of course, he could just think four days without contact is ok; after all, we are hardly an item after one chat!

 

So now I don't know how to react. I am suspicious and doubtful. I feel wary now (I was wary before as he seemed so nice). To be frank, most of the 'nice' guys online are married and that's why they seem nice; they don't have the 'frustration factor' that drives unattached guys to be overly sexual in messages and they have a better idea of how to treat a woman than some inexperienced single guys.

 

I did respond to the message but was brief and said he seemed very busy. How should I have reacted? I THINK I should write him off really but I don't really want to deep down. I'm so doubtful now and feel there must be some reason (other than work) why he was not in contact for that time. If he really is not married or in a relationship, it does not make sense to me.

 

Am I being paranoid here or would others feels the same?

Edited August 14, 2019 by spiderowl

[Redhead14]

You should be a little wary of the ones who say they travel. Very often they have a "girl(s) in every port" and online helps that endeavor . . .

 

 

However, if that's not the case for this one, then you just need to sit back and observe. You're kinda jumping the gun in terms of expectations. Just sit it out and see what he does next.

[spiderowl]

I agree with you Redhead. I had already decided that if we had met, it would have been a meeting and no more. I definitely do not want to be that girl in this port! I would have taken time to see if there was more to it than that.

 

I appreciate your perspective. I doubt I am looking at this rationally.

 

Hard to tell if I'm jumping the gun because I'm not sure how others would have seen this. I suppose I go by what I would want to do if I met someone I liked. I doubt I would have waited four days to get in touch.

Edited August 14, 2019 by spiderowl

[The Outlaw]

Sometimes paranoia can pay off, because if it seems to good to be true, it usually is. Four days without contact with someone you're interested in is a long time. He may legit be busy, but he should have made the time. Whatever you do, tread carefully.

[spiderowl]

Yeah, that's the way it seems to me, Outlaw. Oh well, I've even put on my profile I am not looking for someone long-distance because it is problematic.

 

I think I need to give up on OLD; it is really a series of disappointments and not good for the soul.

[MetallicHue]

Is there anything you can try locally see how it goes making friends and if something buds into more? If you’ve been OLD so long maybe that'd be worth a shot? I’m sorry you’ve had such bad luck.

[spiderowl]

Thanks MetallicHue. I did used to go to events locally but then I just got fed up of it. The guys showing interest were not the ones I wanted to be with myself. I'm probably much too fussy.

 

I should go out socialising more, I know, but I feel more like giving up altogether. I had a health problem develop and I lost confidence.

[The Outlaw]

Yeah, that's the way it seems to me, Outlaw. Oh well, I've even put on my profile I am not looking for someone long-distance because it is problematic.

 

I think I need to give up on OLD; it is really a series of disappointments and not good for the soul.

 

OLD still can't compete with meeting a potential partner face to face. Less mystery and you will have a far better idea of what you're going to get.

[Blind-Sided]

Well............

 

 

You can be right... but you could be wrong too. I've read a bunch of posts where someone seemed nice... but then sends a picture of his junk.

 

 

But....

 

 

If you two haven't met, and only chatted on-line... and he was honestly working... then maybe he just didn't have time. I travel for work, and at times it's back to back trips. I DO NOT have a "girl in every port", and since I'm not much of a drinker... I go back to the room early at times. For example... I'm currently in a city away from home... sitting in my sleeping attire, and reading posts here, at 9pm local time.

 

 

Unless he's done something creepy... then at least give him a chance.

[alphamale]

spiderowl, stop putting the cart before the horse otherwise you'll find yourself a lonely cat lady

[spiderowl]

It's hard to give someone a chance when you no longer trust them.

 

If a poster who travels for work can log-in and read posts on here, then it is possible for this guy to log-in and send a message on a dating site.

 

I suppose I will wait and see but I've sort of lost faith already.

 

I just wondered how reasonable a four day gap was? Before this happened, I would have said no point as he's not that interested. Unfortunately I still feel that must be the case.

[Lotsgoingon]

Four days is a long time if you are really interested in going out with someone again.

 

I cannot believe he was that unavailable for four days ...

 

Trust your suspicions. A good partner calms suspicions.

 

But ... you say you're losing faith in this guy.

 

The trick of course is this early ... to avoid getting any faith in the first place--until someone earns it.

[Maggiemay1]

Four days is a long time if you are really interested in going out with someone again.

 

I cannot believe he was that unavailable for four days.

 

They never met!?

 

One online chat only! And then he was away working.

 

OP , 4 days is nothing when you only had a chat online.

If he was online in those 4 days without contacting you , different story, but I’m assuming he wasn’t since you didn’t mention it!?

 

If the distance is too much then let it go.

[hippychick3]

I agree that 4 days is not a big deal when you haven’t met yet. You’re strangers to each other. As much as you chatted and as nicely as it went, he has no attachment to you at this point. Until you meet, you should lower your expectations. Keep all options open, but I see no reason to not give him a chance (as long as he asks you out within a few days and doesn’t make you an online penpal).

[Watercolors]

So, you connected with a guy through online dating and haven't met him in person. That's your first mistake. I view OLD as a way for adults to pay for online pen-pals who create fantasies around their messages, yet very rarely meet in person to see if the fantasy has real potential.

 

He went offline for 4 days so that he couldn't contact you? Highly doubtful considering all of the satellites that orbit earth in every corner of the world.

 

Most likely, he logged off the dating website and did who knows what. Since you never met him, you can't really be sure if anything he tells you is the truth anyway.

 

Suggest meeting in person soon. If he gives you the work excuse, just drop him and move on to the next guy.

[smackie9]

IMO it's not worth it...A) he travels a lot for work, so he's going to be away a lot, B) distance is a pain in the a$$, C) he could be a multi-dater, or even married, D) doesn't hand over his phone number to set up a date. E) all you have been doing is messaging on a dating site. This is just bs, and me personally wouldn't even entertain the thought of dating someone like this no matter how "gentlemanly" they seemed.

[alphamale]

IMO it's not worth it...A) he travels a lot for work, so he's going to be away a lot...,

 

many of these guys who travel a lot for work have girlfriends all over the place

[salparadise]

Goodness gracious, spyderowl! That is a TON of assumptions and cynicism for one post!

 

I felt quite hurt he wasn't around on the site for four days. It seems a long time without contact if you are 'thinking about' someone. [...] Of course, he could just think four days without contact is ok; after all, we are hardly an item after one chat!

 

He said he was thinking about you, which means not forgotten –– not that he had his knickers in a twist. Four days may be a long time if you were dating, or in a relationship, but not for this situation. You haven't even met. How could you expect him to be that invested? Plus, he's traveling. Don't read anything into this.

 

 

I am suspicious and doubtful. I feel wary now (I was wary before as he seemed so nice). To be frank, most of the 'nice' guys online are married and that's why they seem nice; they don't have the 'frustration factor' that drives unattached guys to be overly sexual in messages and they have a better idea of how to treat a woman than some inexperienced single guys.

 

Nice guys online are married, and it's the absence of sexual frustration that is why they're nice and not sending sexualized messages? Wow! Do we have a quote of the week thread somewhere? I think I am going to start a "How women think" file, and this will be the first entry. Consider one other possibility –– not all men are ass-holes.

 

I THINK I should write him off really but I don't really want to deep down. I'm so doubtful now and feel there must be some reason (other than work) why he was not in contact for that time. If he really is not married or in a relationship, it does not make sense to me.

 

Just let go of the expectations and assumptions and allow things play out as they will.

 

He could be a super nice, sophisticated man who is pretty laid back. When you meet someone online it's always a long-shot. If it seems promising resist the urge to get invested until you've met. So many of these things never turn into a meeting, and a lot fizzle because there's no chemistry/connectioin when you do meet. So just hold off on the stress until you determine, from meeting in person, that he's real, interested and wiling to follow through.

 

Believe it or not, there are a lot of good men just looking for a genuine connection with a good person. This loneliness/no affection stuff sucks for men and women. The men who start the sexualized stuff in the early messages are simply morons. Now I'm wondering how many women I've chatted with who were perplexed that I didn't try to get sexual, and concluded I was married.

 

I think I'll name my new archive "Spiderowl's how women think" collection.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your thoughts all. Maybe I am jumping the gun a bit. He has been in touch again in a brief message but, I dunno, I'm not convinced.

 

I know I was a bit over the top, Sal. I was going by my experience, that guys who seem nice while chatting online are 9/10 married. They seem relaxed and fun and I have learned to spot them. I usually ask directly "Are you married?" and I am usually right. Of course not all married guys are nice and there is nothing 'nice' about seeking out a fling online if you have a wife at home. By 'nice', I meant the way they come across while chatting initially.

 

There are nice guys out there and they are usually miles away. It's the Sod's Law of OLD unfortunately.

 

I think the distance thing is just going to make me feel more suspicious. I'd need a whole lot of evidence that this guy is what he says he is and that his intentions are genuine before trusting him. I know that is not realistic online so I might as well give up now.

 

I think the problem is that a lot of guys on OLD are fakes in one way or another - they are married, weird, or have some personality problem like are mean with money or outrageously possessive. There are some decent guys of course but it is hard to trust them when you have had to deal with the others.

 

The nice guys do not realise what it is like and expect instant trust. They also often do not consider the woman's safety. I have had guys suggest a walk in a remote place for a first meet (because they like walking and think of a nice place they know).

 

I guess I've become too jaded for this.

 

Oh and he has already asked me out, offered to take me for a meal.

Edited August 15, 2019 by spiderowl

[Mrin]

For what it's worth I was that guy for a long time. I traveled extensively for work. Sometimes when I was on the road I had little if any time to chat with a woman that I had only met online.

 

You aren't real yet. You're just a person at the end of a message app. I don't see what he's done to lose your trust yet. I'd meet him in person before forming any judgments.

 

Mrin

[Maggiemay1]

 

I know I was a bit over the top, Sal. I was going by my experience, that guys who seem nice while chatting online are 9/10 married. They seem relaxed and fun and I have learned to spot them. I usually ask directly "Are you married?" and I am usually right.

 

Oh and he has already asked me out, offered to take me for a meal.

 

So why have you not asked this guy directly if he is married?

Are you afraid that this will be the 1/10 times you are wrong?

 

Are you really wanting a relationship or wanting to sabotage every potential one?

 

Have you accepted the offer to meet?

[salparadise]

I'd need a whole lot of evidence that this guy is what he says he is and that his intentions are genuine before trusting him. I know that is not realistic online so I might as well give up now.

 

There is a large middle ground between blind trust and the kind of suspicion that almost reaches the point of paranoia. I think you may be sabotaging an opportunity by being overly suspicious. Try to be neutral and don't judge the guy based on how someone else was. If he has not done anything wrong, and he seems interested and polite, at least give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I think the problem is that a lot of guys on OLD are fakes in one way or another - they are married, weird, or have some personality problem like are mean with money or outrageously possessive. There are some decent guys of course but it is hard to trust them when you have had to deal with the others.

 

Yes, but you can't assume that they're all alike. OLD is a collection place for oddballs and the personality disordered who can't sustain relationships. They either never get off or they keep coming back. But there are also a lot of good people, and a lot of them connect and live happily ever after. One problem that you have is judging the person by the context. That's sort of like saying all people in grocery stores are gluttons because you've seen then with carts full of frozen pizza and soft drinks.

 

The nice guys do not realise what it is like and expect instant trust. They also often do not consider the woman's safety. I have had guys suggest a walk in a remote place for a first meet (because they like walking and think of a nice place they know).

 

Interesting... I actually addressed this in one profile (POF I think). I was seeing tons of women with cliché phrases expressing distrust, and found it so toxic-feeling that I wrote: "If you speak about distrust of my gender in your profile we will not be compatible. I’m truly sorry for what you may have been through, but I’m just not interested in dealing with the residual [whatever]." While I wrote that in a moment of frustration, I feel pretty well justified in that perspective. I'm not the least bit interested in trying to convince a woman that I'm not evil. I know that trust has to be earned, but I'm not going to begin by trying to climb out of a hole that someone else dug.

 

I guess I've become too jaded for this.

 

Oh and he has already asked me out, offered to take me for a meal.

 

Yea, you're pretty jaded it seems. But that's something you can change. It's not something this presumably nice man can change, and he likely won't bother if he feels like you're unfairly judging him before even getting to know him.

 

You owe it to both him and yourself to try. Good luck –– hope you go out and have a great time with him.

[Foxhall]

many of these guys who travel a lot for work have girlfriends all over the place

 

lol, sounds good this in principle, not sure in reality could be stressful.

 

otherwise Salparadise gives good advice here.

[schlumpy]

I guess I've become too jaded for this.

 

Oh and he has already asked me out, offered to take me for a meal.

 

Wonderful! Now put your suspicious nature on low alert and enjoy the evening.

 

BTW, you never mentioned to me what your main guitar is or your style of music.

[spiderowl]

So why have you not asked this guy directly if he is married?

Are you afraid that this will be the 1/10 times you are wrong?

 

Are you really wanting a relationship or wanting to sabotage every potential one?

 

Have you accepted the offer to meet?

 

I have asked him if he is married, Maggiemay1, and he says he is not and is divorced. He just seems too nice and smooth.

 

I do want a proper relationship but trust is an issue. I have met guys who have misled me. I have learned from that.

 

I have said it would be lovely to meet and he has mentioned days he is in my area. I expect the date would be firmed up nearer the time.