Roadrunner234 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Dear friends, I know money can break a relationship, so I'd like to get your input. It's starting to creep up on me. My SO, as I've said before, is an amazing human being, very grounded and skilled. Opposed to me, I'm a chaotic, ever self-doubting woman. Sometimes I don't know what he sees in me but I try to stay positive because I love him so much. My issue is this: I still avoid the straight-money-talk. The "I'm not sure I can keep up with your lifestyle and be equal to you" talk. He makes more than me (I don't know how much) and has savings (he's talked about a down payment for a house). Also, he plans these big vacations which I could hardly afford on my own. I am his total opposite. Student loan. Had to support parents in the past. No savings. Everything I make goes for rent, food, state retirement plan, the occasional girl spoil and to fund my share of said trips. I am sufficient for myself, but walking on an edge so to speak. I have subtly expressed my concerns about not making enough to cover something he has suggested, and he has been generous - paying for the expensive groceries, flight tickets, hotels, etc. I try to chip in by paying for smaller groceries, rent and bills, tourist food needs, trip attractions, the pocket stuff. But it feels so little in comparison. I admire him for being able to save and find a great paying job, and I feel irresponsible for not making the same decisions in my past. I fear he will judge me for it and resent me that he's always paying more. I've always felt so small in terms of money. They have always been scarce in my family. I get angry at myself and start saving, but every time something happens and my little savings have to go somewhere else. And I'm back at 0. How do I expose myself to him like this, without sounding pathetic? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Your situation is what it is. You're like 80% of the population making it paycheck to paycheck. You've had unfortunate events that demanded a lot financially, there is no shame to it. In your relationship you are doing what you can afford and keeping a good head on your shoulders by not spending money you don't have. He accepts you as you are or he doesn't. As simple as that. I was in a relationship with a man making 5 times my salary. If he wanted a girlfriend to share 50% cost he would have picked someone else. Currently I am in a relationship with a man making less than me and I accept I'll be the one spending more money. If it bothered me I would not have dated him for 4 years now so no, I did build resentment at all. Relax, it's not about how much you make, it's about the sincerity and effort you put in. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 He's generous because he doesn't care if you can't afford it. He likes treating you, and he knows you don't have the funds like he does....so relax. It doesn't look like an issue to him unless he brings it up and my guess he hasn't so don't worry about it. Just make up for it by doing things for him instead, like so many women do anyways. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 (edited) A above... don't worry about it. Some people (like me) don't care, as long as it's appreciated. Don't expect things, or directly ask for things... but when you get them... say thank you. Simple and clean. With that said... if he is planning a trip, and it will put you in financial hardship... just say... "I really can't afford this trip." You don't have to have a money talk just out of the blue. Edited August 13, 2019 by Blind-Sided 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Do what you can to spoil him in ways that don't cost money. For now he seems OK with the financial split. He probably gets satisfaction out of treating you. If he balks, then you can redirect your entertainment options to things you can afford. For now if you try to keep up with him, you will definitely go broke. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 (edited) I'd suggest you stop projecting your self-teardown onto him when he's not the one judging you harshly for your financial predicament. Why would he judge you? Is he a judgmental/intolerant kind of person? Everything you posed to us you should have no fear talking directly to him about. It says a lot about your relationship that you are afraid to have this conversation with him without you beating him to the self-inflicted punch--and if he does decide you are "less than human" for having helped your parents out and are now living modestly within your means, then it's best you find that out before you've brought the state in on your relationship (marriage/divorce). Make sure that the negative sentiments you are so sure he's got towards you are actually his thoughts and not yours that you're trying to make him own. And talk to him about your concerns. If you can't talk to him, why are you with him? Edited August 13, 2019 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 (edited) I hate to rain on your parade because you sound like such a joyous person. Self effacing is always a good quality. It means your feet are on the ground. You have to protect yourself financially. I realize that in the midst of your love affair the idea that it could end suddenly is a thought out on the periphery of your conscious mind. If your relationship ends tomorrow would you leave it in worse shape financially, better shape or about the same? About the same it OK but you should aim to leave in better shape. That means you have to not just save money but attempt to build wealth and that means you have to live below your means. You have your state pension fund. Nice, but you can't count on it. Too many of them are on shaky legs. Social Security is dicey for the future and it doesn't matter since they won't let you double dip. That means a minimum monthly payment. The first thing you need is an emergency fund. That amount of money is determined by what it would cost for a major car repair or to replace an appliance or medical emergency. It's usually between four and eight thousand dollars. That money is your lifeline and always comes first so keep it topped off. Then you look at investing with an IRA. There many choices. If I were to do to all over again I would stick with Vanguard and purchase no load Index funds. These can be structured according to a generic diversification plan that they provide. Depending on what type of IRA you selected you can deduct your contributions from your taxes. This is called long term investing and the timeline is a minimum 30 years. What you have at the end depends on what you contribute. If you had a ring on your finger or a wedding date set I would not bring this up. You cannot keep up with his lifestyle but you can ensure your own future. You cannot expose yourself completely in this relationship without some guarantee. Edited August 13, 2019 by schlumpy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 He's generous because he doesn't care if you can't afford it. He likes treating you, and he knows you don't have the funds like he does....so relax. It doesn't look like an issue to him unless he brings it up and my guess he hasn't so don't worry about it. Just make up for it by doing things for him instead, like so many women do anyways. Smackie9 I love your new Avatar. He looks just like my Teddy who passed away last year. He was a loving little guy and we miss him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Good point again from Schlumpy there, Money for the rainy day- that should be your primary concern Roadrunner. Protect yourself first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 If you had a ring on your finger or a wedding date set I would not bring this up. You cannot keep up with his lifestyle but you can ensure your own future. You cannot expose yourself completely in this relationship without some guarantee. What do you mean? I feel like everybody should be able to support themselves, barring serious illness/disability or being a minor or being elderly. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 In my last few relationships, I have been in a better financial situation than my partners. I knew it, they knew it and we didn't need to have a discussion about it. So, I would first that you simply trust that your partner understands where you stand financially. He's been generous with his money and, to me, that shows he understands where you sit financially. For me, it meant a lot when my significant others spoiled me in small ways. One former SO knew that I loved a rather expensive brand of pretzels so she would grab bags of them for me here and there. That certainly wasn't in her food budget so it meant a lot to me that she would pick them up. She also knew that I like a certain kind of Powerade and would buy that sometimes as well. Another splurged on my birthday; she took me out to a movie and to my favorite restaurant. That was hugely appreciated as I got the feeling she was spending around a month's worth of her "fun-money" to treat me on my birthday. I received gifts from family and friends but that little splurge was the best present, simply because it was so generous of her. But, as people have pointed out, look out for yourself when it comes to finances and relationships. I had an ex girlfriend who made very little money and and I know she bought me an expensive Christmas present on a credit card. I felt bad about accepting that gift as a) I knew she couldn't afford it and b) it was a pretty new relationship and I wondered if we were going to make it. I had asked her to save her money and we would just go out to a nice dinner or a movie but she splurged with money she didn't have. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 What do you mean? I feel like everybody should be able to support themselves, barring serious illness/disability or being a minor or being elderly. If they were to marry their combined incomes may make her own personal investments not as critical. Things may shift around because of tax laws. I would assume the financial pressure would not be as much as it is right now. I'm not suggesting that it's his job to take care of her and she can now forget doing anything for herself. It's always better to rely on yourself but finances are different when married as compared to unmarried as are the priorities. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Yes, marriage presents an entirely different dynamic when it comes to finances, no matter how much people try to remain "independent". My best friend is an engineer that was making around $100k/year when he and his wife were married. She was working odd jobs and never made more than $15/hour. They came up with a system to keep their money separate; splitting monthly bills based on percentages, she purchased a car that she could afford on her own, etc.. But, at the end of that day, he was supporting her (it made sense as he was making far more money) and they ended up pooling their resources. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Smackie9 I love your new Avatar. He looks just like my Teddy who passed away last year. He was a loving little guy and we miss him. I just lost her on Sunday...we are missing our baby girl so bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Smakie9, I'm sorry for your loss... Losing pets is always difficult.. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Dear friends, I know money can break a relationship, so I'd like to get your input. It's starting to creep up on me. My SO, as I've said before, is an amazing human being, very grounded and skilled. Opposed to me, I'm a chaotic, ever self-doubting woman. Sometimes I don't know what he sees in me but I try to stay positive because I love him so much. My issue is this: I still avoid the straight-money-talk. The "I'm not sure I can keep up with your lifestyle and be equal to you" talk. He makes more than me (I don't know how much) and has savings (he's talked about a down payment for a house). Also, he plans these big vacations which I could hardly afford on my own. I am his total opposite. Student loan. Had to support parents in the past. No savings. Everything I make goes for rent, food, state retirement plan, the occasional girl spoil and to fund my share of said trips. I am sufficient for myself, but walking on an edge so to speak. I have subtly expressed my concerns about not making enough to cover something he has suggested, and he has been generous - paying for the expensive groceries, flight tickets, hotels, etc. I try to chip in by paying for smaller groceries, rent and bills, tourist food needs, trip attractions, the pocket stuff. But it feels so little in comparison. I admire him for being able to save and find a great paying job, and I feel irresponsible for not making the same decisions in my past. I fear he will judge me for it and resent me that he's always paying more. I've always felt so small in terms of money. They have always been scarce in my family. I get angry at myself and start saving, but every time something happens and my little savings have to go somewhere else. And I'm back at 0. How do I expose myself to him like this, without sounding pathetic? I don't know him, but I've been him. For me when I say it isn't an issue paying for things I mean it. There are no strings attached, it will never be brought up, I do it for me, for us, to pay back some karma and to recognize the good fortune I've been given. I make no judgment that the woman in my life has not been as lucky as I have. I came from fairly little, parents struggled, the classic American up by your own bootstraps story. It's part of what drives me to be frugal. Also what you describe as your financial history I'd have no issue with. It's a reality too many face. You don't sound a wastrel, or like you are using him for his money, far from it. For me, and know all people are different, basically explaining it as you did here would work for me. I wouldn't find it pathetic, but brave, and trusting, and it would make me feel closer to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Just talk about it with him. Most of the men I've had relationships with have made a lot more money than I do, and none of them have cared a bit about my income, always planned to provide for the household themselves. This is pretty common among traditional protector/provider-type men. Link to post Share on other sites
zivo Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 I dont think its being pathetic at all. For you to even have that mindset of wanting to pay for things and actually helping with things is amazing to find in a girl, and this is coming from a guy. As I guy, I don't expect you to pay for things as long as you carry your weight and make up for it in other things, around the house, cleaning, dinners, sexually, etc Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 I have subtly expressed my concerns about not making enough to cover something he has suggested, and he has been generous - paying for the expensive groceries, flight tickets, hotels, etc. I try to chip in by paying for smaller groceries, rent and bills, tourist food needs, trip attractions, the pocket stuff. But it feels so little in comparison. What??! Are you living with him? What do you mean by you paying rent and bills? Aren’t they the high costs? I’m guessing by your previous posts that this relationship is fairly new (<6 months ?) It sounds to me like you are paying more and he is taking advantage of that? What am I not understanding??? Link to post Share on other sites
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