Am I abusive?

[brownygoldy]

I grew up with loving yet abusive parents - it's kind of normal in my culture but I experienced it bad compared to my siblings as I'm the oldest. My parents were very strict and communicated with verbal aggression, there were also incidents of physical aggression.

 

I had a 6 year relationship that started at uni which was abusive - emotionally and physically.

 

Now I'm 29 and noticing that I may have picked up some of these tendencies.

 

When I've been in relationships where my partner has messed up, my normal form of reacting is going a bit crazy - verbally not physically.

 

I can make quite personal attacks, question their character and integrity.

 

To give an example, my last relationship ended badly. We ended things 2 weeks ago and I had taken the morning after pill after our last meeting 2 weeks ago. A week ago I started bleeding heavily and the Dr said it's either morning after pill or miscarriage related. I informed my ex-partner (I initiated the breakup, he said to me to get back in touch anytime) and asked him to call me as I was finding it difficult to communicate this over text, he didn't call and acted inconsiderately which prompted me to launch into a tirade at him.

 

Some of the things I said:

pr*ck

p*ssy

go and play your sports (he said he couldn't call me as he was playing sports but i waited for the rest of the day/evening and still no call) to make you feel like a man but when it came down to it you couldn't act like one

you sicken me

i'm disappointed in myself that i'm in this position because of someone like you

f*ck you

you didn't want to use protection for your own pleasure and now i'm bleeding as a result of it and you can't even answer the phone

have you got a phobia of phones

you're disrespectful

 

At the time, my response felt warranted. Now it's been a week and I'm reflecting, questioning my response and communication style.

 

I have been told by previous ex's that I'm verbally abusive.

 

How could I have responded better?

 

I don't think his behaviour was right and I feel like I would be justified in calling him out on that, but how could I have done it better?

 

I am considering apologising for my part in this - any ideas on how to? I know some of you will say to let it be, I'm the kind of person that can't, until I've resolved a matter to the best of my ability or apologised for a mistake I've made, the issue will affect me. Who knows it might even give the other person their sense of closure. I'd rather say my bit and leave things in peace, I'm a big believer in leaving things in peace but why do I then have the tendency to react with volatility?

 

What can I do to improve in the future, I feel like this form of communication is all I know when I am badly let down by partners.

Edited August 11, 2019 by brownygoldy

[Beendaredonedat]

Firstly, I'm wondering why you felt you even had to contact him since he was your ex and whether it was a miscarriage or due to the morning after pill, what did you expect him to do? When you break up with someone... they no longer are expected to be there for you when you need them nor are you to be expected to be there for them if things were reversed.

 

That being said: How could you have handled it better. Well, perhaps a dozen or so sessions with a good therapist that will help you to get in touch with your inner child so that you understand nurturing and empathy and boundaries will help you to refrain from trying to make people suffer like you clearly are.

 

Please google "nurturing your inner child" to start with and read about how you need to take care of self in a loving way. Someone has to do it since your parents were not there for you in that way growing up.

 

Good luck, do look into therapy perhaps even talk to your therapist about anger management courses to see if he/she thinks that might help you to filter yourself.

[BaileyB]

I have been told by previous ex's that I'm verbally abusive.

 

Based on what you have shared, I would agree.

 

I'm the kind of person that can't, until I've resolved a matter to the best of my ability or apologised for a mistake I've made, the issue will affect me.

 

In other words, it’s not about the person you have hurt, it’s all about you.

 

Look, you can offer a sincere apology and then let it go. Or, you can continue to push your own needs in a way that is controlling and disrespectful to the other person - in much the same way you behaved when you verbally attacked this man. Which would you prefer, if you were the wounded party?

 

As to your question about how you can improve your communication style, have you tried counselling? That would be a good idea for you, if you have the option. Otherwise, as you are aware, it is likely that you will find yourself in unhappy relationships full of conflict and propagating this pattern of abusive behavior.

 

I’m sorry, what happened was obviously stressful. But still, that but that doesn’t give you the right to be verbally abusive to another human being. You could have allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and communicated your concern and perhaps need for emotional support more clearly.

 

At the end of the day, read what you have written and ask yourself - how much fun are you to live with? And, why would anyone ever chose to be with you if whenever you find yourself losing control, you go right for the jugular and attack their character and their humanity.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited August 11, 2019 by BaileyB

[Beendaredonedat]

I did some research for you, Op. Start by reading the link provided.

 

https://lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk/users/3881-maxine-harley/posts/17933-how-to-heal-and-re-parent-your-inner-child

[preraph]

I mean, your parents were your role models. There are some cultures who are so abusive that it's a culture of a huge amount of people with no empathy and just sociopathy.

 

Again, you need to get away from your parents' influence and see what the rest of the world is like and be molded by something other than them, because yes, you are likely to follow in their footsteps at least partially since they are your "normal." If you don't rebel against it, you become it.

[Calmandfocused]

This thread touched a raw nerve for me. I’ve been the recipient of such behaviour numerous of times and I’ve struggled getting away from such individuals ... but I’ll reserve judgement and offer my words of advice..

 

So how do you stop being abusive?

 

You start to focus on what your victim feels rather than how you feel. You examine (with the help of a therapist probably) your attitudes and beliefs in relation to how you treat another human being. You learn empathy. You take responsibility for your own behaviour. You make a commitment to change what you do.

 

The biggest thing you need to understand is that everyone has the right not to be abused. You respect that your ex wants nothing to do with you and you leave him alone.

 

You stop focusing on communicating with him because it’s what you need!

[Gretchen12]

I grew up with loving yet abusive parents ....

 

What's that? "loving yet abusive"?

 

Think about what that means and your answer will be the key to why you think you can do this. You believe you can say those abusive things to your ex and still be loving.

 

As for how you can stop yourself, maybe you can start by reminding yourself that you're not on the Jerry Springer show. Refrain from obscenities. Act classier. Try to pretend you were well brought up, like the Queen of England. I know that well mannered ladies can have sharp tongues too. But cutting out expletives and lowering your voice is a start.

[basil67]

Yes, this behaviour is highly abusive.

 

As for how to have dealt with this situation better, the first question is: were you ever abusive to him prior to this'? The second question is: why did you choose to have sex without a condom? The pregnancy was is as much on you as it is on him.

[brownygoldy]

Thank you everyone and thanks for the informative link Beendaredonedat. I’m going to look into this area more and I’m actually seeing a counsellor tomorrow.

 

I have had counselling in the past but I was told that I understood everything so not much more could be achieved. I do feel like I have a way to go so am restarting with a different counsellor.

 

With regards to empathy, I believe that I’m very empathic. I feel the emotions of others strongly and am always the friend that my friends call upon or rely on for emotional support.

 

I believe that growing up in a volatile household with parents who don’t get along to this day, and being in a 6 year relationships which involved abuse and suicide threats have scarred my relationship style to an extent. It took me a long time to leave that relationship as I was physically under threat when I tried to leave multiple times but eventually I achieved it.

 

Because of my experiences, I am vehemently against abuse. The thought of physically disciplining anyone makes me sick. But obviously I’m going wrong somewhere as I had it in me to be that mean to somebody.

 

I have noticed an improvement in my communication style over my past 3 relationships - with this latest relationship, my ex was back and forth constantly wanting me then changing his mind due to our cultural differences and not wanting to go against his Mum. Although I was disappointed I genuinely understood his predicament as I have been and would be in the same situation so was understanding that he was battling with his feelings and his circumstances. I handled this with peace. Once the bleeding occurred and he wasn’t there for me I allowed my emotions to get the better of me, I was vulnerable and expressed this in the wrong way. In our culture (mine and my ex’s) it’s absolutely normal to involve one another in circumstances such as this and actually offensive not to. He told me his ex made a decision regarding their sex life without informing him and it really offended him so me reaching out to tell him of this development (when in our last conversation he had said to get back in touch at anytime) isn’t the problem.

 

I acknowledge where I need to work on my communication style and really WANT to do this, for myself.

 

I believe that despite his actions which could have been better, my actions were in themselves harmful and I took that responsibility upon myself to apologise. With regards to the suggestion that this is selfish, I believe it’s the opposite. I would welcome an apology from someone who had wronged me, it’s a sign of maturity for me. Maybe it’s relative to the situation/relationship with somebody but in this situation I felt it was the right thing to do.

 

Anyway I apologised and got the below response back:

 

“Hey... That's totally fine. Thanks for apologising. I do think you're a genuinely nice person and I think it was just hormones going crazy at the time so dont blame you for anything.

 

I'm sorry too for the way I was. No excuses.

 

Anyway I do genuinely wish you well and hope you find an amazing guy x”

 

I feel better now that we’ve left things peacefully and am ready to work on myself.

[brownygoldy]

Yes, this behaviour is highly abusive.

 

As for how to have dealt with this situation better, the first question is: were you ever abusive to him prior to this'? The second question is: why did you choose to have sex without a condom? The pregnancy was is as much on you as it is on him.

 

No I have never been like this before towards him.

 

We were both irresponsible, he was insistent on not using protection even though I probed him to a few times. In the end because of his insistence we didn’t. We both made a silly mistake and I’ve learnt from it so highlighting that is just irrelevant now, it’s done, it’s too late, I’m in the situation I am and dealing with the consequences.

[Beendaredonedat]

Good luck... I hope you feel at peace soon so that you don't have that anger within you any longer.

 

Be well.

[basil67]

No I have never been like this before towards him.

 

Ok, so he wasn't avoiding you because of past behaviour.

 

From what you wrote when you described messaging him, it doesn't sound like you told him that you were in need of his support. Given that exes do generally move on without each other, it's not surprising that he didn't contact you. Assuming that there were no hard feelings when you broke up, a better way to handle this would have been to call him and tell him what was going on and asked him for a bit of support.

[BaileyB]

With regard to the counselling, there is a big difference between “understanding” your parents behavior/marriage and how this could affect your relationships and actually learning/using the tools you need to develop to communicate and manage frustration/negotiate conflict when in a relationship.

 

Perhaps, you need a counsellor who can help you to do the latter, and not worry as much about the former...

[Maggiemay1]

You have not actually improved over 3 relationships.

You simply masked things.

 

Why did this guy even need to know if you bled or what the reason was?

You were NOT pregnant and you never had to have unprotected sex with him and having unprotected sex in a long term relationship is a pretty normal request.

 

You are an adult and can no longer blame others for your behaviour. So stop placing blame on your parents and exes. Or rather excusing your behaviour because of them.

 

No potential partner will think “poor you , you had a rough time so I will accept all the abuse you throw at me”

 

This ex responded perfectly so as not to trigger you. He knows you!

He doesn’t care for an apology. Too little too late.

 

Please get help and do not consider dating until you are in a good place to !

[brownygoldy]

You have not actually improved over 3 relationships.

You simply masked things.

 

Why did this guy even need to know if you bled or what the reason was?

You were NOT pregnant and you never had to have unprotected sex with him and having unprotected sex in a long term relationship is a pretty normal request.

 

You are an adult and can no longer blame others for your behaviour. So stop placing blame on your parents and exes. Or rather excusing your behaviour because of them.

 

No potential partner will think “poor you , you had a rough time so I will accept all the abuse you throw at me”

 

This ex responded perfectly so as not to trigger you. He knows you!

He doesn’t care for an apology. Too little too late.

 

Please get help and do not consider dating until you are in a good place to !

 

On the contrary, he’s been apologising all night for his behaviour saying it’s not the man he wants to be and his behaviour was awful and he wish he supported me more. His reasons for not are also to do with trauma he’s experienced - should I be going and telling him “poor you you had a rough time so I’ll accept your behaviour stop blaming your past” like you have to me? No because I’m a compassionate and understanding person and understand that life doesn’t progress in a straight unblemished path and genuine human connection is forged through empathy, understanding and growth.

 

I think I’ve been more than self-aware in my posts asking for genuine help but your assumed judgements have no place in this

 

“Simply masked things” and not improved - It seems you find it easy to materialise on anything negative but shut down anything remotely positive.

 

I’m not going answer any of your other questions as they’re in my previous replies and I have no interest in engaging further on this thread. I appreciate the honest and frank feedback it’s what I was looking for but I feel that some members respond in an unbalanced way whereas a balanced overall supportive stance would be more welcomed and is the reason I joined this forum. I have also been going through excessive bleeding which is affecting me horribly and making me terribly depressed and anxious, having nobody to talk to about this.

[Foxhall]

Yes I actually sympathise with you browngoldy,

 

I think the thread responses though reflect the general attitude of society that the verbally abusive person always ends up isolated or as the bad guy,

 

the best friend I ever had I lost him through being verbally abusive to him,

 

a good thing to come out of it is to force me to change as a person and become more rounded and considerate,

 

for instance I did not realise it at the time, but the particular chap has since shown himself to be pretty vulnerable in ways and at the time I gave no consideration to that and just lashed out,

 

"it is not always about me" is a good principle to take on board,

 

keeping a dignified silence is better than lashing out because it wins you more friends in the long term,

 

Id say going forwards be engaging with people and stand up for what you believe in, certainly do not be shy or timid,

 

but also refrain from being abusive, Ive learnt the hard way it gets you nowhere.

 

Ive no doubt you are a really nice person though and the fact you are questioning yourself is good

[Maggiemay1]

I appreciate the honest and frank feedback it’s what I was looking for but I feel that some members respond in an unbalanced way whereas a balanced overall supportive stance would be more welcomed and is the reason I joined this forum. I have also been going through excessive bleeding which is affecting me horribly and making me terribly depressed and anxious, having nobody to talk to about this.

 

You are welcome for my frank feedback.

 

A person having been emotionally abused in a relationship does apologise for their “behaviour” because the abuser has (knowingly or unknowingly) convinced them that their behaviour is wrong even though that’s not the case.

 

His apology is irrelevant.

 

It’s odd that you only had excessive bleeding after ending a relationship. Your ex did NOT cause that. And there is no one you should be discussing that with except for a medical professional. So you do in fact have someone to discuss it with!

[Foxhall]

Your other bleeding issue,

 

I will not pretend to know much about that!

 

however I know herbal remedies are quite effective and I think talking to a herbalist would be good as they tend to be very nice warm people.

[elaine567]

You are scared, upset and angry and you lashed out to the person nearest and who you are most angry with.

Whilst he gets off scot free you are "bleeding to death..."

It is a normal reaction.

Yes, if on a daily/weekly basis you were ripping him to shreds then you need help but you are bleeding heavily, petrified and angry...

 

We may want to live in an ideal perfect world, but that is not reality. No counsellor can help in dire situations like this, unless you want to be so dumbed and numbed you feel absolutely nothing no matter what happens...

[brownygoldy]

You are welcome for my frank feedback.

 

A person having been emotionally abused in a relationship does apologise for their “behaviour” because the abuser has (knowingly or unknowingly) convinced them that their behaviour is wrong even though that’s not the case.

 

His apology is irrelevant.

 

It’s odd that you only had excessive bleeding after ending a relationship. Your ex did NOT cause that. And there is no one you should be discussing that with except for a medical professional. So you do in fact have someone to discuss it with!

 

I am NOT an abuser.

 

I have been verbally abusive and I’m the first to admit that and even provided specific examples for you all to view and confirm.

 

Your suggestion above that I am manipulating him to apologise to me is again an overall judgement you’re making of the situation by seeing the word abuse and automatically equating me as a sort of narcissistic abuser. I’ve been with a narcissistic abuser (6 year ex) and his personality type was drastically different from mine. He cannot accept to this day that his behaviour, physical or emotional or verbal was abusive because he felt it was all warranted.

 

I am able to look back on my words and feel disgust at myself and remorse for him, and extreme guilt at making somebody feel like that.

 

His apology was not manipulated by me, it was him taking responsibility for a lack in his actions and noticing where growth is required for him, and my apology was the same. I don’t expect him to forget the damage my words have caused but I was responsible for apologising for my mistakes.

 

Why is it odd to you that I had bleeding after the end of the relationship? Please read my previous posts on this thread and your questions will be answered.

[brownygoldy]

Thank you everybody for your comments, I have read each one thoroughly and am taking your words on board.

 

We may be meeting to talk things out.

 

For me, the meeting would be beneficial to allow a platform for a clear and smooth discussion. I have made it clear though that if it wouldn’t be beneficial for him then I accept that. He’s on board with meeting.

 

I would want to apologise sincerely for words I said that hurt him, and I would be open to him expressing how it made him feel and I would be receptive to this and what I can do as bad as it may make me feel. I want to be careful to make sure that the meeting doesn’t turn into anything else. I am aware that strong emotions such as guilt can bring on other unintended emotions. I want to make sure that I don’t ask too much from him and try to rekindle the relationship. I want to go in and come out with a purpose.

 

He wants to meet to allow me to apologise and to also discuss why he wasn’t there for me as well as he would have liked to be. He has said to me that our bond was special, he thinks I’m a really nice person and our time spent together was cute and loving, but that what has happened since has been damaging.

 

I agree and reiterating my point of not letting myself get carried away with trying to salvage something that seems unsalvageable for my own selfish satisfaction.

 

I should take him at face value when he says the relationship has been damaged for him and do what I can to ensure that the meeting serves its best purpose.

 

If my feelings count at all then for me the relationship is also damaged, by my words and by the dynamic that the relationship had become. As I said, prior to this incident he was very back and forth with me and I lost some of my faith/trust in him and in the purity of our relationship as a result. He was telling me how much he wanted me in his life but was also talking to other women on social media/dating sites to keep his options open with females from his culture to keep his Mum happy. Also his response to last week where I did gently ask for support- see initial post (briefed him on bleeding, asked him to call), and given our previous bond and him asking me to contact him whenever I was quite disappointed in his response. Yes I know this didn’t warrant my response and it’s a major learning lesson for me.

 

I know I’m rambling, I’m just trying to wean through everything to get some clarity and any advice on the best way to handle this meeting is welcome

Edited August 12, 2019 by brownygoldy

[stillafool]

 

Anyway I do genuinely wish you well and hope you find an amazing guy x”

I feel better now that we’ve left things peacefully and am ready to work on myself.

 

He seems to have made it clear that he accepts your apology, wishes you well but doesn't sound like he wants you back at all. Please don't make the mistake of trying to be his friend because you will get frustrated and hurt. He is going to start seeing other girls and being around him will trigger your emotions and temper. I think you would have done best to rely on your mom to help you through the bleeding. There wasn't anything he could do at that point and you two were already broken up. He may have thought you were just using that as an excuse to contact him and try to get him back. At any rate as you mentioned above you feel better now and will work on yourself.

[lurker74]

I acknowledge where I need to work on my communication style and really WANT to do this, for myself.

 

I know you've said other things since this comment but this comment, I think, is the key to understanding your path forward, to the extent you want to better yourself for future relationships and perhaps be happier.

 

Your issue is not your communication style. Saying it is presumes that you have a style, which you may have but has not been communicated in your messages. What you have is an emotional matrix that drives your behavior. It's very simple (and common) but is often missed and very difficult to control. It works like this:

 

HURT ==> PAIN ==> ANGER AT PAIN ==> ATTACK

 

A couple things...first, hurt and pain are not the same thing. Hurt is when you stub your toe. Pain is the 20 seconds afterward when you are ready to kill someone because it continues!

 

Now, for some people, pain leads to depression and silence. Others it leads to a coping technique like manic behavior or alcohol. For you, pain leads to anger and when you feel anger, it seems you attack. Later, you realize the attack was not fully justified even if the anger and pain were, so you feel this weird remorse and then you wonder why you feel remorse when there was actual behavior from the person that led to it.

 

Your goal, then, should not be how to communicate the anger in a better way. Frankly, it's not even how to communicate the hurt in a better way. That will actually take care of itself, for the most part, if you do the one thing you should be focusing on: breaking the chain of emotional response. To be clear, the emotions are not bad and you should not aim to be a robot. We get our energy from our emotions. But you've learned from your parents that it is OK to be RULED by your emotions, and it is not. It is abusive to let your emotions run rampant on those around you; it might not be the worst abuse but if can be devastating in the long run nonetheless.

 

A good counselor would help you to identify the triggers that cause the pain...and the triggers that lead the pain into becoming anger. We use the word "triggers" a lot these days as a joke but they are real. Find those triggers and it gives you a chance to understand - in the moment, not days later - why you are feeling a certain way. Then you can communicate the WHY. Ironically, it will probably have a bigger effect on a partner than attacking anyway.

 

An internet board is not the place to performance cognitive behavior analysis, but it's not hard to guess your likely causes of pain. Feeling neglected is likely at the top and I am willing to bet that those feelings and fear of abandonment contribute to your current relationships. They will not get better until you figure it out, regardless of with whom you are in a relationship. And remember, your emotions are never the other persons "fault." Your emotions are fully justified but they are YOUR emotions. You are responsible for them, good or bad, whether it is hurt, pain, anger, happiness, lust, or sadness.

 

Good luck. And remember...we're all on similar journeys so you're never truly alone.

[ChatroomHero]

I am NOT an abuser....

 

I’ve been with a narcissistic abuser (6 year ex) and his personality type was drastically different from mine. He cannot accept to this day that his behaviour, physical or emotional or verbal was abusive ..

 

 

I wonder if this is ironic?

 

 

I bet your ex that was the abuser would say the exact same thing...I am not an abuser...then say how he knew other people that wear REALLY abusers...

 

 

You were verbally abusive to the guy, from what I read you flew off the handle and got nasty without a lot of justification. You had a knee-jerk reaction and lost control. Now I don't think verbal abuse is the end all be all everyone wants to make it seem like...to me it is someone is being a jerk and saying crappy things to you. Everyone is a jerk and says something nasty at one time or another that they likely later regret. Sticks and stones...

 

 

The problem isn't "was it abusive", the problem is you are on here basically admitting you know it was abusive/wrong and you are feeling bad about it now in retrospect. The problem as you recognize I'm sure, is you can't always control yourself and you know you need to learn how to control your emotion. I am sure when you get really mad and worked up, the immediate and complete satisfaction is (or seems to be) just going volcano and verbally getting out the fact that you are so mad you don't care how nasty the things you say are...in hopes that the other party thinks, "Wow, she is mad. So mad she said something really hurtful. Now I recognize the level of anger she has and I notice her".

 

 

What you need to do is learn to recognize when you are flying off the handle and hold back any response, text or reaction for a couple of minutes. If you recognize when you are flying off the handle, you can't necessarily help the emotions but you can calm down a little and give yourself time to think through your actions and the results. You can definitely internalize when you feel your anger rising and consciously make a choice to wait a little until the feeling passes a bit. The proof is your post here, you flew off the handle and now are re-thinking it and recognizing it.

 

 

There are other better ways to get someone's attention without saying something personally hurtful to them. You won't usually get the kind of attention you are after unless the other person has self-esteem issues and cow-tows to personal attacks.

[smackie9]

It's learned behavior from your childhood. Your therapist will teach you to retrain your brain to cope better in situations of anger and stress. I hope you find the right one that has specific training in this field of behavioral therapy because not all therapists are the same.