Sooo I think I was a rebound...

[JC90]

Being a rebound wouldn't usually be problem, but I actually really liked this girl and in the short time we "dated" she grew on me quickly. I'm digging this point in because I'm extremely picky and almost never date seriously because of it. I legit haven't even thought of "wifeing up" a girl in over 8 years (I'm 29 and yes I've been single for a LONG time).

 

We saw each other three times and I thought had a great time each date. And yes, we had sex (every date), but we also went out for drinks/dinner/a walk. After the first two dates she made her interest in me very obvious via texts. She was initiating conversations quite a bit and we were texting frequently throughout the week. Ironically, I was afraid that I was going to end up hurting her.

 

Anyways, I'll get right to it... Tuesday I texted her saying I was thinking about her, she asked "about what", I told her "cuddling up next to you, wrapping my arms around you and kissing your neck." She said it "sounds lovelyyy", then I told her I wanted to see her again soon--no response. As stupid as this sounds, I knew something was up right there just comparing it to her past behavior. So today I texted yesterday...

 

ME: *name*, I know what we need...

 

HER: What's that?

 

ME: Another white claw night, but this time we drink them all.

 

HER: Listen I really enjoyed our time together but I feel like we didn't really vibe on a non-sexual level so I'm not sure I want to see you again. And I'm not just looking for casual sex with anyone.

 

***NOTE: Yes, we were very sexual in a short amount of time, but it was mutual, and I tried to make it obvious that I was NOT just using her for sex***

 

ME: Ouch. That came outta nowhere. And stings considering I was really like you and even planning on asking you to be exclusive soon... Definitely wasn't just looking for casual sex with you. I enjoyed taking you out, talking to you, our banter where we'd tease each other and everything else. But hey, if that's how you really feel and you're truly just not interested, then I'll respect your decision.

 

HER: I enjoyed it too!! I just haven't been single in a while and I don't want to enter a relationship or anything unless I feel like it's 100% right

 

ME: yeah I was a rebound. I get it

 

HER: Well if you want to put it like that then everyone is a rebound to me because I never give myself enough time to just be single

 

Believe it or not it's made me sad as hell. Another issue with her is that she's just getting out of a 7-8 month (I think) relationship 3 months ago, where the guy moved to another part of the country so they had to break up because they didn't want to do long-distance. Or you could say 2 months ago because she went and visited him in June.

 

I can't stop obsessing and over-analyzing everything. Every detail. Every text. Everything I did and said. She just seemingly lost interest out of nowhere. And once again, being a rebound wouldn't be a big deal, but damn... The first girl I actually felt a connection with in, literally, years, and from what she said it was the total opposite for her. I've been rejected countless times, but this hurts way more than it should...

[Highndry]

You jumped right into sex. That's no foundation for any lasting relationship. You don't know anything about her. I'd bet money the ex is still in the picture. Enjoy that you had sex and move on.

[Wanderlust2018]

These things happen and just next her.

 

A word of advice for you moving forward...I wouldn’t have even bothered to reply after the “vibe” comment from her. Why ruminate and banter about it when it’s clear the OP isn’t into it, for whatever reason.

 

I agree with one of the other posts in that I suspect the other guy is still in the picture.

 

I do think it’s a bit comical that she had sex with you on the first date but “isn’t into casual sex...” ?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I do think it’s a bit comical that she had sex with you on the first date but “isn’t into casual sex...” ?

 

I think she probably meant she isn't into a long term casual sex arrangement. She doesn't want a relationship that only has the sexual connection (for her) but not everything else.

 

Sorry, OP, this sucks .

[JC90]

I mean her ex is literally across the country, but I wouldn't be surprised if they keep in touch. They only ended their relationship because of his move. I'm friends with her on instagram and she still likes every one of his pics... Even the recent ones... So yeah, wouldn't be surprised if she's still in love with him and just using me to fill the void that he left.

 

It's just really confusing to me... After the first two dates she seems almost TOO interested, then after the third she doesn't want to see me anymore???

 

These things happen and just next her.

 

A word of advice for you moving forward...I wouldn’t have even bothered to reply after the “vibe” comment from her. Why ruminate and banter about it when it’s clear the OP isn’t into it, for whatever reason.

 

I agree with one of the other posts in that I suspect the other guy is still in the picture.

 

I do think it’s a bit comical that she had sex with you on the first date but “isn’t into casual sex...” ��

 

I replied with what I did because I was trying to "convince" her that I thought we had an actual connection and wasn't just using her for sex.

 

God I feel bad. This is ridiculous. Literally from the time we first met to our last date was a measly 8 days, but I'm feeling so ****ty it's like we were dating for months. I don't know how or why I caught feelings so strongly so fast. This never happens with me--I literally haven't felt this sad (over a girl) in years. And talking to other girls on dating apps is just making me feel worse. I actually feel just as bad or worse than when she "dumped" me Friday. Holy **** what is wrong with me...

Edited August 11, 2019 by JC90

[schlumpy]

In the future set up some rules for yourself.

 

Never date a girl who isn't at a minimum six months past her LTR break up date.

 

If you break the first rule make damn sure she is more invested in you then you are in her.

[Versacehottie]

I actually think you both handled things well (in the conversation).

 

I don't know if you exactly were a rebound or if she really should be taken at her word that she just didn't vibe with you. I would suggest that you not make blanket statements (about rebounds, length of time after an ex etc) because that type of thinking pattern will just stop you from finding a great girl (especially if you are picky). Reality is it could be a little of both. And reality is if you are a rebound at this point, who knows what will happen when she finally gets over him (whereas if she really just doesn't see it with you this is probably done for sure).

 

Try not to take it so hard. It happens to literally everybody: you win some, you lose some.

 

I do also find it ironic that she isn't into casual sex but had it with you date one. It's something a girl might get away with I guess but if a guy did it, would be getting raked over the coals here if the situation was reversed. People have various opinions about how soon is too soon. I absolutely know some great relationships where it also was on the first date--however, most of the time it adds another dimension or layer that is confusing and misleading--along with the fragility of dating at the beginning altogether so if anything that you consider "revising" in your approach going forward, maybe this is the part you should change up and wait a bit longer before you do. You won't feel like you are either very close to being exclusive nor obligated to be and can get to know the person first. I would say the same thing if it was a girl asking this question. Good luck.

[Wanderlust2018]

 

I do also find it ironic that she isn't into casual sex but had it with you date one. It's something a girl might get away with I guess but if a guy did it, would be getting raked over the coals here if the situation was reversed.

 

I thought the very same thing; if it were a guy who did this and a woman posted about it here, he’d be judged and labeled all sorts of things.

 

As far as the short term vs. long term “casual sex” that the other poster brought up, what’s the diff? Oh, that’s right, there is none. This is atypical female logic aside from defending her...whatever.

 

She “vibed” with this guy enough to go out and also screw him three times... Shame on her for not having enough self awareness to know what she wants...or doesn’t. Just curious for the author, what’d y’all do on your dates, other than what you mentioned? Did you take her out for a nice dinner, etc?

 

To the original author, like I said, next her immediately, and if she EVER reaches out to you again (which I suspect she might), ghost her and do not reply under any circumstances. She sounds like an opportunist, which is unfortunately, not uncommon.

[JC90]

I thought the very same thing; if it were a guy who did this and a woman posted about it here, he’d be judged and labeled all sorts of things.

 

As far as the short term vs. long term “casual sex” that the other poster brought up, what’s the diff? Oh, that’s right, there is none. This is atypical female logic aside from defending her...whatever.

 

She “vibed” with this guy enough to go out and also screw him three times... Shame on her for not having enough self awareness to know what she wants...or doesn’t. Just curious for the author, what’d y’all do on your dates, other than what you mentioned? Did you take her out for a nice dinner, etc?

 

To the original author, like I said, next her immediately, and if she EVER reaches out to you again (which I suspect she might), ghost her and do not reply under any circumstances. She sounds like an opportunist, which is unfortunately, not uncommon.

 

That's what I thought too... On my side of the fence we definitely vibed--in AND out of bed. I felt a connection/chemistry all around, and there just seemed to be a huge, natural mutual attraction between us. I guess she's really good at faking it or can just change her emotions spontaneously. I legitimately haven't gotten this emotionally messed up by a girl in 8+ years, and we only saw each other 3 times over an 8 day period. I've NEVER caught feelings that quick. I was starting to think I couldn't catch feelings anymore. Boy was I wrong.

 

On the first date she was going to come over because she insisted on me trying these "white claw" drinks with her. Before the date she texted me saying she was nervous about coming over and asked if I'd meet her out. I agreed, but she ended up changing her mind and just coming straight over with the drinks. This was essentially a "netflix & chill" kinda date, but we also got to know each other a fair bit. The next day she was hitting me up saying how she was glad she came over, how she wanted more of me as soon as possible, and even that she was... *Ahem* masturbating multiple times thinking about our night. And if you're wondering, yes, I reciprocated the sexting.

 

Monday and Tuesday we were in touch and decided that I'd come see her Thursday. Lots of excitement and blah blah from her on Thursday about seeing me. One thing that stood out was a text from her saying "wanna get drinks or food or anything tonight? Or are you just trying to come over and have sex?" I told her I'm down to grab dinner and she said "yayyyy." We went out for dinner, which was fun, and she insisted on paying since I drove to her. I kept telling her I'd pay but she really insisted and I ended up just paying the tip. Went back to her place, talked, cuddled, had sex, talked and cuddled some more... I didn't leave till after 1am, and even went BACK to her place after leaving to kill a spider for her (I'm serious). Left again and she was texting me saying I was her hero, I'm the perfect amount of dominant and turn her on like crazy, saying we have amazing sexual chemistry, and how she wanted more of me soon.

 

She texted me the next morning (Friday) and we bantered throughout the day. Saturday she texted me again and we chatted and setup a date for Sunday. It actually seemed like after our second date she was getting MORE interested in me. I mean, you don't initiate texts two days in a row with someone calling them "daddy" (in a teasing and kinda joking manner of course) and telling them how much they turn you on if you don't "vibe" with them, do you? Anyways, Sunday I took her out in my area for dinner. I paid but she insisted on paying the tip. One thing she said that stood out was something about feeling nervous or uneasy, but as I remember she said it was like a "butterflies" feeling, which I actually thought was a positive thing. Went back to my place, we had sex, but she wasn't as into it as the two previous dates because, in her words, she was getting her period soon. After she left she texted me saying she was home, thanked me for dinner and said it was a fun night.

 

That leads me to the OP, when I texted her on Tuesday saying "thinking about you." She texts back asking "oh yeah? what ya thinking about" and I tell her "cuddling up next to you, wrapping my arms around you and kissing your neck," to which she replies "that sounds lovelyyy". I then say "I want to see you again soon," but don't hear back. I wait till Friday and text her "Brittany, I think I know what we need..." She asks "what's that?" and I tell her "another white claw night, but this time we drink them all." Aaand that's when she responded saying she didn't think we vibed on a non-sexual level and wasn't sure if she wanted to see me again, and that "she's not just looking for casual sex with anyone." Then of course I told her I wasn't just looking for casual sex with her and etc., to which she replied "I enjoyed it too!! I just haven't been single in a while and I don't want to enter a relationship or anything unless I feel like it's 100% right."

 

Sorry for the overshare wall-o'-text. Actually going back over the texts and everything that transpired leaves me even more shocked and confused at her decision. It's like one minute she's crazy about me and the next she straight up doesn't even want to see me again.

Edited August 11, 2019 by JC90

[Marc878]

Bud, what you think/thought doesn't matter much. She's not into you.

 

You are probably projecting your feelings onto her.

 

She's told you what you need to know.

 

If you chase they'll just move farther away.

 

No contact is you're only best path.

 

Doing any needy/clingy will just make this worse

[Marc878]

Sorry for the overshare wall-o'-text. Actually going back over the texts and everything that transpired leaves me even more shocked and confused at her decision. It's like one minute she's crazy about me and the next she straight up doesn't even want to see me again.

 

That is how a rebound ends.

 

You can't make her be into you

[The Outlaw]

Anyone that is that dismissive of you isn't worth a second thought. I'm not going into detail, but that's a lesson I had to learn the hard way because I've been there. She still isn't over her ex, and if you feel she's still in contact with him, she probably is. What you felt was one sided and that always hurts. Best thing you can do is brush yourself off and move on. Keep looking. There will be someone that will want to be exclusive with you as you did with her.

[JC90]

Bud, what you think/thought doesn't matter much. She's not into you.

 

You are probably projecting your feelings onto her.

 

She's told you what you need to know.

 

If you chase they'll just move farther away.

 

No contact is you're only best path.

 

Doing any needy/clingy will just make this worse

 

 

Anyone that is that dismissive of you isn't worth a second thought. I'm not going into detail, but that's a lesson I had to learn the hard way because I've been there. She still isn't over her ex, and if you feel she's still in contact with him, she probably is. What you felt was one sided and that always hurts. Best thing you can do is brush yourself off and move on. Keep looking. There will be someone that will want to be exclusive with you as you did with her.

 

You're both right. It's just difficult, as a logical person, to understand how someone can switch on/off like that. I mean, I've dated girls before who I didn't feel an immediate connection with, but I didn't drop them because it wasn't "love at three dates."

 

I keep looking for a logical answer in a completely illogical situation, and I need to stop.

[Springsummer]

There is a reason for everything. You just don't know. Only she knows. We can't guess, because there are millions of possibilities. like, she hates your smell, or smile, or demeanor, or....the list goes on.

[Morello]

There is no logical answer to this. That's what rebound relationships are like. There is no true foundation for anything because it's all built on a lie. She's still very hung up on her ex and everything you were experiencing was a reflection of that. At some point, she realised she was just projecting her feelings for her ex onto someone new, and that's when it all fell apart.

 

The only reason you felt all this chemistry with her is that she came very strong and intense, almost like trying to create an instant relationship. Someone offering you instant hot sex, sounding like being into you, wanting ever piece of you. You bonded over that but it was never a true thing.

 

You can count yourself lucky that she bailed earlier sooner rather than later, some people take weeks/months to realise what's really going on.

[Versacehottie]

You're a sure thing ....so now she is actually contemplating what a relationship would be like rather than the chase....Happens to girls regularly.

 

Sorry it happened to you. She basically sounds like she is modern thinking and maybe still has her head back in her relationship, i.e. not emotionally available. I can't see anything you did wrong--only that she didn't see it as a right fit for her (maybe now in her life, maybe just in general). That people are not emotionally available also happens all the time. TBH, sometimes it's the little extra bit of detachment or f*ck it attitude that draws someone like you who never thought he'd catch feelings, toward them. It can be subconsciously or barely perceptible but I'm imagining her slight detachment or emotionally unavailable played a part (and still does) in the way you feel about her--even if you are not cognizant of it.

 

I don't think you could have done anything differently other than what I said above (and that wouldn't have necessarily changed anything with this girl). Possibly not see her so frequently in a one week span so she could miss you and wrap her head around wanting to move forward with you. But that's not a guarantee either. You both seemed spontaneous and it feels like you pretty much did what was right for you. Only other thing is possible because she was more of a leader, it made you seem less dominant than you are--and some girls don't like that. Ok, it was only a week, you will get over her--if you try. Good luck

[Watercolors]

Sex that early with someone who barely has had the emotional head space to process their fresh breakup -- well, that's a recipe for being the rebound.

 

Like Schlumpy said, set some rules for yourself and stick to them. it will save you from getting hurt.

 

She basically told you she used you as a rebound. Chalk it up to another life lesson that you don't want to repeat with the next woman you meet to date.

[Maggiemay1]

Sounds to me she had a dry spell for a couple of months and wanted to get some sex. ??

 

As someone else said , it happens to women all the time.

Doesn’t make it right or wrong really as it takes two to tango.

 

But as I would advise a female in the same situation , if you want a relationship, you don’t jump into bed too early.

It only takes one date to find out if there is sexual compatibility but much more than that to find out if there is non sexual compatibility.

 

It was a fun 8 days.

Next!

[JC90]

This has hurt me more than I'd ever have imagined it would. I'm to the point where I'm wishing we never met. I can barely hold it together at work. Feels like I'm suffocating. Can't stop thinking about what happened and why. Every little detail.

[Highndry]

You suffered a blow to your ego and your hopes were also dashed. It happens. That being said, the pain experienced from a "break-up" (though technically this doesn't even qualify as you weren't a couple) is commensurate with the length of the relationship. So, the good news is you should rebound from this quickly and forget about her soon.

[Versacehottie]

This has hurt me more than I'd ever have imagined it would. I'm to the point where I'm wishing we never met. I can barely hold it together at work. Feels like I'm suffocating. Can't stop thinking about what happened and why. Every little detail.

 

I agree that it's mostly about your ego. I also wonder if since you rarely have feelings for anyone if it's form of self-protection and never taking a risk....and then when you do it's weighted really heavy in your mind and experience. I think if in general you risked yourself a bit more you might see that as much as it hurts that it's about a lot of other things than this girl actually...you haven't as much "lost" her but need to find yourself or a way that works for yourself.

 

I do think a part of what you are upset about is about her but the rest is almost guaranteed to be other things. Bolded is why--you are blaming yourself. I get it: by saying it was that you guys didn't vibe it's like she is attacking or dismissing or saying your personality, your essence isn't right for her. Being that she is the first girl you've liked in years it stings double. All i can say is try to focus on the the things you can work on--not only to "change" yourself or your approach (that might not be necessary at all) but the way you process information, consider the possibilities that she could be "wrong"--not to convince her but convince yourself that you are fine the way you are and that sometimes even when you present yourself perfectly, the timing won't be right or the person won't get it. In reality, you don't really know her and she does know herself. So it's equally valid that she just doesn't see it. Hang in there & good luck