Ethical and best way to approach this issue

[robertmessi123456]

I have been dating a girl for about one year now and we have realized for a while back already that we always seem to have a wall between us and that we are so similar in terms of personality that we do not complement each other well. We are not able to connect in a deep level unlike my first ex-girlfriend and I have. Also our communication styles, way of joking, and rapport is absent more often than we are having a slightly decent conversation. But despite this, she still thinks it is a good idea to stay together and says we need to put more effort into this and I have to be more honest about my feelings so the wall between us would disappear. But I am not hiding anything from her and I am putting my 100% despite my busy schedule draining my mental/emotional energy. I am just naturally mysterious--it's in my personality no matter how I try to be honest. She is also slightly mysterious and we are both reactive people and prefer a partner that is more expressive. Also, I can feel that the relationship has been more stressful than it is light and happy because we have no idea how to be there for each other in times of need and we have a slight long distance relationship and see each other only one every 2-3 weeks. So I really feel she is clinging to an idea that will almost be impossible to materialize because we are not that compatible. But she doesn't see this.

 

I recently broke up with her telling her that maybe it is better for us if we tried to find someone who is a better match because clearly we are not fitting puzzle pieces. But then maybe I timed it at the wrong time because her uncle just recently passed away and she has Bipolar disorder so coping is harder for her. I just felt the moment was right due to what we were feeling over and over again, but I was not able to consider her recovery period. On the phone she told me that she was scared that that she might go back to being depressed because many big turning points just happened. I realized she might break down and have no will to live because I did it at the inappropriate time, so after a while. I told her despite me thinking otherwise that I felt that we needed each other right now and I am sorry I rushed to conclusions which was due to my stresses also that led to the decision.

 

Another issue is that I met another girl that I am really interested in. We seem to be a better match and able to communicate in a better manner. She lives closer to me so we can see each other more often as well. I feel at ease and happy when i'm with her. But I am thinking if I should let this new girl I met slip through my fingers if I do not ask her out soon. But I do not want to hurt anyone and I know I am needed by my previous partner because I know she must be going through a tough time. Also I wouldn't like to be dating 2 girls at the same time. I hate cheating and I never want anyone to feel like they got cheated on.

 

I do not know what I should do. I should have broken up a little later to make my current partner recover from the big blow to her life, but I don't know if someone I am more compatible with can wait that long.

[Flame Aura]

I am not sure what the issue is?

 

 

You have already broken up with her, so the relationship is over. Yes you can be there if she needs a friend, but that's all. Yes its a tough time for her but you are not her boyfriend anymore. I'm sure she has family/friends that can help her as well.

 

 

As for the new girl well what are you waiting for.

[robertmessi123456]

What the issue is I did not fully break up with my current partner because she is not emotionally ready. She was drowning in her thoughts a lot already the past week and doing this will send her deeper down. I never met anyone with depression/bipolar disorder except my current and I can say it is a vicious cycle and it is very dangerous. But I know also that shouldn't be a reason for me to stay even if all signs say we are not compatible. I just do not want to date a new person while being in a previous relationship as it may hurt both parties. And even make me technically a cheater. Perhaps what i'm doing now is already considered cheating and I don't know what the best option is

Edited August 11, 2019 by robertmessi123456

[Redhead14]

I did not fully break up

 

 

I can tell you what's not ethical or best . . . leaving her in some kind of emotional limbo. You didn't "fully break up"????? What the heck does that even mean? You've started the process apparently, you should just finish it. At the very least, she must have some kind of heads up that something isn't right between you two now. I don't care what else is going on. It is not your job to manage her. If you are using the fact that she is bi-polar to dance around the subject and waiting for a better opportunity, you're likely to be doing this dance for a long time. Bi-polar doesn't go away. And, if she uses being bi-polar as a tool to manipulate you, that's part of being bi-polar very often. Has she been officially diagnosed? Or is that your opinion or what she tells you?

[robertmessi123456]

I can tell you what's not ethical or best . . . leaving her in some kind of emotional limbo. You didn't "fully break up"????? What the heck does that even mean? You've started the process apparently, you should just finish it. At the very least, she must have some kind of heads up that something isn't right between you two now. I don't care what else is going on. It is not your job to manage her. If you are using the fact that she is bi-polar to dance around the subject and waiting for a better opportunity, you're likely to be doing this dance for a long time. Bi-polar doesn't go away. And, if she uses being bi-polar as a tool to manipulate you, that's part of being bi-polar very often. Has she been officially diagnosed? Or is that your opinion or what she tells you?

 

I was very certain to break up until we talked in the phone she sounded like she needed some time to breathe because she kept saying why it had to be at this moment when she was already struggling to get up from her uncle's death and she was really down then. She is diagnosed and is taking medication. I was really insisting to push through it but she was already in a very disturbed state and if I didn't care about her wellbeing she might've had a mental breakdown or something that is what i'm scared of. For a normal person, perhaps making a lie is cruel but I wasn't sure in this case

[salparadise]

I recently broke up with her... so after awhile I told her, despite me thinking otherwise, that I felt that we needed each other right now and I am sorry I rushed to conclusions

 

Another issue is that I met another girl that I am really interested in.

 

Your mistake was going back after you broke up. Now you're going to have to hurt her all over again. If she's bipolar there's never going to be a good time. You can't assume responsibility for her mental health issues. That kind of thinking will have you sacrificing your entire life to prevent her from suffering the upset of a breakup. I'm not saying you should be unkind in any way... just that you have to cut the string and let go. You realize this is codependent behavior, right? You can't continue being the savior/rescuer. You have to turn that over to her, her family, and her MH professionals. Learn boundaries.

[Redhead14]

I was very certain to break up until we talked in the phone she sounded like she needed some time to breathe because she kept saying why it had to be at this moment when she was already struggling to get up from her uncle's death and she was really down then. She is diagnosed and is taking medication. I was really insisting to push through it but she was already in a very disturbed state and if I didn't care about her wellbeing she might've had a mental breakdown or something that is what i'm scared of. For a normal person, perhaps making a lie is cruel but I wasn't sure in this case

 

 

Once a person is officially diagnosed and taking medication, they become fully accountable for their behaviors and managing their experiences. If she has a counselor, that is where she goes for help to manage situations that are difficult for her. If she has a prescription, she has a psychiatrist and a therapist. You're trying to manage her illness and you do not have the skill set for that. What you are really doing is enabling her to have being bi-polar be an excuse for not managing herself.

 

People who are bi-polar do not enjoy being lied to any more than any other person. She should not be treated like a child and you should not string her along.

 

Beyond that, if she's says she's taking her medication and is in a "very disturbed state", I'm kinda wondering if she isn't lying about taking her meds. If she lying about that, then you seriously do need to move on because this is definitely not going to get any easier.

Edited August 11, 2019 by Redhead14

[robertmessi123456]

You guys are right.. I feel horrible. I am a cheater talking to 2 women at once. I never imagined to be in this situation.

[Redhead14]

You guys are right.. I feel horrible. I am a cheater talking to 2 women at once. I never imagined to be in this situation.

 

Robert, your screen name fits . . . messi situation, ain't it. What bothers me some is that you haven't mentioned being concerned about the "new" girl and her feelings. It's all about how the "old" girlfriend feels. Does the new girl know about the old one? Isn't she wondering when you're going to end that?

 

This is going to get messier if you don't do what you should do now.

[robertmessi123456]

Robert, your screen name fits . . . messi situation, ain't it. What bothers me some is that you haven't mentioned being concerned about the "new" girl and her feelings. It's all about how the "old" girlfriend feels. Does the new girl know about the old one? Isn't she wondering when you're going to end that?

 

This is going to get messier if you don't do what you should do now.

 

No she doesn't if I tell her it would get even messier I think the choice should be to stay or leave with my current partner. I actually broke up with her prior to talking with the "new" girl but the rebound issue made it complicated so technically I never intended to two time

[Redhead14]

I actually broke up with her prior to talking with the "new" girl but the rebound issue made it complicated so technically I never intended to two time

 

 

That is classic obfuscation, minimization and gaslighting to a spectacular degree. Right now, technically, you are two-timing until . . . you aren't anymore.

[robertmessi123456]

That is classic obfuscation, minimization and gaslighting to a spectacular degree. Right now, technically, you are two-timing until . . . you aren't anymore.

 

What would you do in my shoes? Do you think I should just stop dating altogether maybe take some time to think things through?

[salparadise]

You guys are right.. I feel horrible. I am a cheater talking to 2 women at once. I never imagined to be in this situation.

 

Take it easy on yourself. You're not a cheater, at least not unless you've progressed past talking with the new girl. You just need to go ahead and cut ties with the previous girl, like you know you have to do. Yea, it's a bit convoluted at the moment but such is life. Your only mistake was going back, and you did that with good intentions even though it wasn't the right move. It's all fixable, but you have to be decisive and do what needs to be done.

[Redhead14]

What would you do in my shoes? Do you think I should just stop dating altogether maybe take some time to think things through?

 

Either you do what's right and end it with the first girl and continue dating the second girl or stop seeing/talking to both girls. Seriously. If the second girl was so important to you now, you'd have ended it with the first one without so much difficulty. It's always somewhat difficult, perhaps, but usually when someone is sure they want someone else, they can end the other one. We see it all the time on these boards -- "Oh how could he/she end it just - like - that?" The answer is, they were ready to move on Period.

 

You're using the first girl's bi-polar condition to allow yourself to straddle the fence because you've had enough of the first girl probably and her "issues" which is why you took up with another girl to begin with but you aren't really sure about her and you want some kind of a safety net, I'd say. If you want to give yourself and the new girl a chance and find out for sure, you've gotta be all in with her. The old girlfriend is bi-polar and that wasn't working, you know that for sure. So stop being wishy-washy. Leave the old girlfriend behind at the very least. If you're not sure about the new girl, then stop seeing her too and take a break and get right with yourself first.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're not a babysitter, or a mother, a father or a therapist. You are not responsible for her wellbeing and in fact, you don't control her wellbeing.

 

It's not your job to worry about how she will react to you breaking up. In fact, if you're dating someone who you think will drown if you break up with them, then you're not dating someone who is mature and who you respect.

 

You write a lot about what she thinks. That's not your job. Your job is to evaluate whether the relationship is working for you. Right now. We all have life crises. Deaths in families, job problems, mood issues.

 

There is never a good time to break up with someone. Google "boundaries." You're playing like a parenting role here ... a relationship is two people who equally respect the other ... two people who are both emotionally strong.

 

She needs to go to a therapist, a coach, her family, her friends ... to help her through a rough period. Dating well is not babysitting.

 

What is unethical (to use your language) is to date someone outside of integrity ... it's arguably unethical to stay with someone because you think they're so pathetic they'll crack up without you.

 

Would you want to date someone who is with you because they pity you and feel sorry for you?

Edited August 11, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[preraph]

You just have to break up with her. Honestly, maybe now is as good a time as any. If she has no other issues and you wait for that to be the case, she will just have more time and energy to prod you into staying. Just tell her it's not working out and shouldn't be this much work.

[Versacehottie]

What the issue is I did not fully break up with my current partner because she is not emotionally ready. She was drowning in her thoughts a lot already the past week and doing this will send her deeper down. I never met anyone with depression/bipolar disorder except my current and I can say it is a vicious cycle and it is very dangerous. But I know also that shouldn't be a reason for me to stay even if all signs say we are not compatible. I just do not want to date a new person while being in a previous relationship as it may hurt both parties. And even make me technically a cheater. Perhaps what i'm doing now is already considered cheating and I don't know what the best option is

 

I haven't read the whole thread so maybe someone has said this exact thing: you aren't doing her any favors by staying with her during this time.

 

In reality you are just marking time because you already know your decision. So right after she comes out of this bad period she will be dealt another blow--one that she erroneously believes she has a "chance" to fix and you will "be there" for her. That sounds much more devastating TBH. Plus the back-forth, push-pull is harder too.

 

While it's unfortunate that your gf has mental health issues, that's not a leveraging tool. All I can say is perhaps you can help her by alerting some of her close family or friends so she can lean on them during this time.

 

I think it's best for you to keep that you want to try out a new relationship with the girl that lives near you separate from your thought process with your current gf. Because in reality, you really seem like you have a handle on the fact that you and your current gf are not suited for each other. That's why you should break up for good and why you should do it now, not to keep dragging it out. That's the moral answer IMO.

 

As far as the new girl, well i don't think it's good that she knows much of this TBH. In her shoes, I think it's not great a guy who has just left a relationship, and even worse one that was dragging it out for the circumstances and worst of all, in a panic because he didn't want to let her slip through his fingers (jumping from one relationship to another)--which kind of makes it seem like you are looking for an escape. So I know some of that might not be totally accurate as to how you feel but it could be perceived that way. Which is another reason in general to not stay in a relationship if it's not going to work out--your head has been out of the relationship for a while but on paper you will be breaking up in August 2019--just saying.

 

Ok not judging you just wanted to let you know the perception. And yeah if you are "talking" to the new girl, your current gf would probably consider that a form of cheating, which would be another devastating blow to her. So see you are doing her no favors by staying faux engaged in the relationship. Good luck

[robertmessi123456]

Thanks now I have a better idea of what choices I should make. It's been almost a decade since i've been in this forum and it is still a great place

[Maggiemay1]

You are already cheating. Perhaps not physically but yes emotionally with it seems an intent to physically cheat.

 

There is NEVER a good time to break up. And will ALWAYS be some reason not to.

 

And breaking up slowly over time is the cruelest.

So, be firm, tell her it’s over and go no contact.

 

What you do with the other girl is irrelevant at this point.

[robertmessi123456]

Normally, people would have ended a relationship the moment they felt that they are not compatible with each other. But the reason why I stayed around (with the first girl) was due to our initial agreement before we even started dating. We agreed on a relationship that is temporary only because I told her prior to dating that I am not looking for anything too serious and unlikely to lead to marriage and she said she wasn't as well. We had a mutual purpose which was to have a companion to talk to at the end of the day and have a partner to do things with. So despite the incompatibility, I felt it was not wrong to stick around due to the idea that we were still doing great in the kind of relationship we have and treated, took care, and respected each other properly. However, I feel that she is taking things too seriously and I feel like what we agreed upon is not what she wants but something more committed. I feel like I am a bad guy in the relationship for keeping my boundaries when it is getting close to things a serious couple would do.

 

I did end the relationship with the previous person a day after I started communicating with the new girl because I felt it was just not right to be talking with 2 girls at the same time. Also, I did not like the idea of using my first girl as a safety net just in case things did not work out with the new girl, but the only problem was when I got caught up in events that happened with the first girl after having the break up talk. I envisioned our relationship to help each other grow and support each other, but I felt incapable of doing so when I left her in her current state because she was in an emotional mess. I know I was wrong to be indecisive I guess someone getting hurt is inevitable in this situation, but I just felt it was too cruel to push someone even lower when they're already falling down fast so I thought I should've at least tried to let her get back up by supporting her to get some footing and lessen the impact of the fall when the time was right.

Edited August 14, 2019 by robertmessi123456

[elaine567]

I do not think you can now say, "...but we were only ever casual", because you regularly dated for a whole year and you even discussed improving your relationship.

Solely casual people do not do that.

Yes she may have agreed to casual at first but you stuck around and that to most women means more than casual... You ended it and now you are back so it must be love...

Oh dear what a mess.

 

I agree with Redhead, if this new girl was "special", you would have had no hesitation in ending it.

Maybe you are just a cake eater, you have the safe "wife at home" going nowhere, and another on the side...

 

Frankly you are in no place to date anyone.

End it with both, mop up the fall out from the old gf before you even consider getting involved with anyone else...

No woman wants her new bf dealing with "unfinished business" with his "unstable" ex...

[robertmessi123456]

I do not think you can now say, "...but we were only ever casual", because you regularly dated for a whole year and you even discussed improving your relationship.

Solely casual people do not do that.

Yes she may have agreed to casual at first but you stuck around and that to most women means more than casual... You ended it and now you are back so it must be love...

Oh dear what a mess.

 

I agree with Redhead, if this new girl was "special", you would have had no hesitation in ending it.

Maybe you are just a cake eater, you have the safe "wife at home" going nowhere, and another on the side...

 

Frankly you are in no place to date anyone.

End it with both, mop up the fall out from the old gf before you even consider getting involved with anyone else...

No woman wants her new bf dealing with "unfinished business" with his "unstable" ex...

 

I agree it's a big mess. Although I really do not see cheating on my wife if I were to get married because I really take marriage and cheating seriously. True that this event can be an indicator or a start, but I think my morals aren't that bad and I think I am relatively not that impulsive compared to most people and I value consistency and stability in many things in life. Also, this is a first mix up for me and the degree is not necessarily considered unacceptable (depending on the person) and I have no intention to two time but just made the wrong choice of going back but I already corrected and settled things for good. I believe there are degrees to cheating and it's not an apples to apples comparison despite it being a thin line. Also you're right about the casual being not so casual part. I guess we crossed the line without being sure about things as we did play with fire..

 

Even though i'm not entirely honest with the new girl, being completely frank and honest about the current situation will make the chances near to 0% of continuing anything. I know it doesn't sound rosy and romantic, but I will tell her when the time is right and let her be the one to decide. Because in the end what is acceptable and unacceptable is relative and for her maybe what happened would be reasonable. I think it is considered selfish on my end, but if two of you can have a lifetime of happiness for not letting go and being sure of being loyal and being the best husband ever, maybe it is reasonable? I don't know if doing this will have already made me cross to the "horrible person" line. I do consider myself a righteous kind of person but I am also very proactive and opportunistic, so I usually try to weigh things just that relationships are quite difficult and I am not sure where I stand so will still have to think about things more and try to remove the biases.

Edited August 14, 2019 by robertmessi123456

[Versacehottie]

Would you be breaking up with the first girl if you had not met the second?

 

I think while you have “wanted” to do the right thing, you me execution of doing the right thing kinda is not the best, maybe even sucks depending on where a person is in this mess. You kind of strung her along. Despite saying casual, you treated it more seriously. (Let her contemplate moving in together, right?). The “contract” you made with her in the first months of dating doesn’t really apply when you both let things evolve to more serious and a relationship. She sounds like a bit of a ballbuster but that is still not really an excuse for you not to have spoken up at each step of the way where she made it more serious. Even failing to disappear and hang in there when she is having this emotional time leds her on where she thinks you’re her bf or have romantic feelings.