dating a divorcee -identify potential pitfalls?

[lioil]

I met this divorcee online and saw her in person but want to get some advice.

 

She came to US 6 years ago for school. Got married within 1 to a guy here who was introduced via church (she is religious). She found out him cheating last year and divorced amicably. She has no kids. She is now working in Audit for a big 4 accounting firm so she is capable.

 

I did see her and the information above is accurate. Initially i thought she married to get green card but then if it is sham wedding it shouldnt take 5 years to end? She does have student debt but i dont think it is a big deal.

She did emphasize that her future husband needs to be religious too which i am ok with converting if needed. She also said she is not going to cohabit nor have sex until her wedding to protect her 2nd virginity. I am not religious so i take her word that and i respect it.

 

So are there anything i should be weary about? My mom wonders why she didnt have any kids in 5 years (shes 30 now) and thinks maybe she cant or didnt want to? I guess since she was in school maybe she didnt want to. I have yet to ask her this question yet but i know it would be total deal breaker if she cant..

 

Any advice in terms of getting into a potential relationship with a divorcee? thanks!

[Veronica73]

I don’t know. But I’ve never heard of a second virginity. I’d be pretty wary about that.

 

Also, if you’re not religious, how do you suddenly become religious?

[MetallicHue]

I’m struggling with how to reply on this. I say if you like her take it slow and see how it goes. My wife definitely did not fit into any box I had originally thought I’d date in. But I fell for her and that’s what mattered. My two cents

[Wanderlust2018]

I don’t know. But I’ve never heard of a second virginity. I’d be pretty wary about that.

 

Also, if you’re not religious, how do you suddenly become religious?

 

Totally agree with this.

[lioil]

I don’t know. But I’ve never heard of a second virginity. I’d be pretty wary about that.

 

Also, if you’re not religious, how do you suddenly become religious?

 

I don't know either but i think she's just saying shes not going to "play around". My uncle is actually very cynical about the divorce. He thinks she got married for green card and had her ex pay for her school and dumped him after she got her degree. She said she still has debt and her family back in her country is not loaded (they didnt fly to her wedding here because of expenses). I am more optimistic since she seems to be so religious i dont think she would run scam like that?

 

I am not religious but i guess i can start being? isn't there some conversion type of thing?

 

 

 

 

I’m struggling with how to reply on this. I say if you like her take it slow and see how it goes. My wife definitely did not fit into any box I had originally thought I’d date in. But I fell for her and that’s what mattered. My two cents

 

Yeah, maybe i will try see her again and see how it goes.

[emeraldgreen]

Must be abstinent and convert religions for the privilege of marrying a woman who thinks virginity grows back like fruit? Sure, sounds like a great deal to me.

 

Unless you're living on an island with two people on it, there are better options.

[Shining One]

I'm struggling to find the benefits here. For me, one of the main benefits of dating a recent divorcee was the plentiful sex.

[chillii]

Well , he's obviously thinking a bit deeper than that and looking for something long term/marriage.

As for as what she means , l dunno what the fuss is she's obviously hoping to just save herself again now a 2nd time now until she's married again, it's just a term she's used for it and yeah, simple, she doesn't wanna play around, quite typical with some cultures.

 

As for whether she's legit op , you can keep finding out more about her marriage and visa stuff, things about her and her character, attitudes, has she got a visa now and she's right to stay or ?

All you can do is keep asking and watching, checking things out until your satisfied she's genuine, meanwhile seeing how you actually get along and if things actually keep growing in the right ways. Best guard yourself and heart and wallet until your 100% satisfied with her past and of her intentions, genuine and that she feels all the right ways about you.

Pretty obvious why she didn't have kids so early if everything was legit , with her still studying and now she has a good job out of that so she used her head on that one waiting and the marriage didn't work anyway so even moreso.

 

Anyway good luck with it , and let us know how things are going .

Edited August 11, 2019 by chillii

[boymommy]

I'm divorced..one of the things I struggle with in my relationship is triggers from my ex husband. I obviously still have to deal with him given we have two kids together. She is fortunate given she doesn't have children with her ex therefore she doesn't have to continue to interact with him. This is a benefit! If you are going to date a divorcee, it's much easier to date one who doesn't have to continue to interact with her ex, especially if that is not your situation as well. Now, my boyfriend is also divorced and shares custody with his ex so we can relate a lot to each other so this works for us. Still, given you've never had the experience or pain of a divorce, it's hard for you to relate so if she has rough moments sometimes, you'll need to be patient and understanding.

 

Also, given her ex husband cheated, she may have some trust issues. My boyfriend was cheated on by an ex girlfriend which left him with some trust issues in the beginning of our relationship. He thought I was cheating on him (I wasn't) when previous men I dated before him would periodically text me to see if I was single. I had to reassure him who they were and he built trust with me by me being honest, transparent, and not getting upset when he felt insecure or needed my reassurance. Now after 2 years my boyfriend trusts me completely and no longer struggles with these issues.

 

I would personally take it slow and just see if there is even a relationship there to develop before you think more long term (like marriage/children). One step at a time!

Edited August 12, 2019 by boymommy

[Veronica73]

Actually, no, I don’t see how you can just convert and become religious for somebody else. Just to please someone. It seems like you’d just be going through the actions. Which may be enough for some people, I guess. Seems pretty odd to me. There tend to be some fundamental differences in beliefs between religious and non-religious people.

 

Also, there are plenty of sh*tty people who are religious. For example, see the Catholic Church pedophile scandal (and other churches as well).

[basil67]

I get the feeling that you're putting the cart before the horse. How much time have you spent with her in person?