Is dating always this exhausting?

[emmab219]

I haven't posted here in ages...honestly this place was my crutch when I was debating getting a divorce. PSA: I did, and it was the right choice. Anyways, that was just over a year ago and I've been doing a little dating.

 

Maybe this is just me, but I'm getting so burned out. Either by guys who attach themselves to me after one date, or by the amount of dudes who either send unwanted pics, or ask for them from me. One sec we're having a nice conversation, then suddenly it's all 'you should send me a pic'. Grr!

 

Example: A few weeks ago out with a guy, and the date wasn't terrible. He was nice enough that I was willing to give date #2 a shot. Yet before that could happen, I woke up to a very much unwanted dick pic. Blocked him immediately. Maybe others might disagree with that, but I went on one date with you...that doesn't mean I want to see your junk.

 

More recently, I have this situation. I went out with a guy and it was fantastic. We talked all night, no awkward silences or anything. I honestly had a really great time. We'd had great chemistry and the goodnight kiss was pretty passionate. The next morning I didn't get a dick pic, but a pic of him and his dog cuddling. Thought it was pretty cute. He asked if he could see a picture of me. I was kinda on the fence cause not wearing make-up or anything but sent a very PG shot of me still in bed with the blankets.

 

His response was 'you should show me what's under those pajamas'. I groaned. Why!? He persisted for a few more texts, while I strategically tried to get around it. Finally I just didn't answer anymore, which must have made him get the hint cause then he was all 'alright, I'll be good'. And he changed the subject to what my plans were for the day. Convo drifted around to our date the previous night. He mentioned how much our kiss had turned him on and that he was a gentleman cause it was the first date but 'in all honesty, he'd really wanted to just bend me over'.

 

Like I'm very flattered he's so into me, and I was pretty into him too...but also...this was DATE ONE.

 

He's a little exhausting because then he texted me throughout the whole day. Maybe it's because I'm a super introvert who need to recharge their batteries after socializing, but it felt like a lot of contact after one date. And now that I think about it, he did also text me a lot up until the date. He asked when he could see me again-- I said not until next week because work has been crazy. Have no idea if he was kidding or not but made a comment about how he might have to stop into my job to see me if they insisted on holding me hostage. That made me panic a little.

 

I ended up falling asleep on the couch and woke up to three texts from him within like a two hour timespan even though I hadn't answered any because I'd been asleep.

 

I'm just...overwhelmed? Maybe it's because I am divorced (even though it's been a year), but my gosh I am just kind of feeling like...I don't even know what the word is? Like I'm being trapped into something, and I am still wanting to date around until I feel like I'm sure I've found the right person.

 

We have so much in common, definitely connected. I could see all this as just me being maybe guarded because of my history? I just don't know what to do here. Like I said, I would still like to go out on dates with other guys (which I don't think is wrong...dating around seems fairly normal) but he has me feeling very stressed out.

 

Yet also I'm sort of feeling like I don't want to date at all after this, as I am very happy also being alone and it's much more low key lol

[Ruby Slippers]

I tried dating sites a few times, finally gave up.

 

At least 80% of men on dating sites try to treat you like their personal porn star before you ever meet, with a hundred variations of the cheesy and gross "show me what's under those pajamas" line.

 

The ones who seem halfway nice at first usually turn out to have major issues you could never get past - sketchy employment history, finances a mess, substance abuse, etc.

 

It works for some but I'd guess not most, as it's not a natural way to meet.

[Flame Aura]

That's online dating for you, most guys use it just to get into a girls knickers. That's the only reason I used it too when I was single.

 

 

Stick to real life if you want something serious.

[JEG88]

I don't know how other guys can do it, acting like that after one date.

 

Then again, I may be on the other extreme of taking things too slow. I've probably lost out on some potential relationships from not taking the next step fast enough.

 

But I agree with above, that's OLD for sure. Needle in a stack of needles situation.

[schlumpy]

[quote=emmab219;7842896

 

I'm just...overwhelmed? Maybe it's because I am divorced (even though it's been a year), but my gosh I am just kind of feeling like...I don't even know what the word is? Like I'm being trapped into something, and I am still wanting to date around until I feel like I'm sure I've found the right person.

 

We have so much in common, definitely connected. I could see all this as just me being maybe guarded because of my history? I just don't know what to do here. Like I said, I would still like to go out on dates with other guys (which I don't think is wrong...dating around seems fairly normal) but he has me feeling very stressed out.

 

 

 

It's obvious to me that you like this guy or find him promising. If so, meet up with him and lay the law down because it's also obvious that he is not going to respond to subtle hints.

 

I understand the risk. He may resent it or move on but right now unless you do what he wants you to do that outcome is inevitable and more likely from you at this point then him.

 

I'm thinking if you can get some ground rules in place to take the pressure off - you can move forward.

 

In his defense, he may only be acting in what he thinks is a normal manner that's been trained into him by past experiences with other woman on this dating site. He's been conditioned.

 

He knows he's found someone that may be special but his dating reflexes are tuned to expect date 1, date 2, have sex and you're out.

 

I think you have to show him how you want to be treated and if he can't accept that, then move on.

 

BTW, I understand the Introvert label. I've always told my wife I'd be the perfect candidate for the Mars mission. Pop me in the capsule for nine months with my favorite things and when I got there I might say something like, "We're here already?"

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yep, that's online dating for ya.

[smackie9]

Like I always say date those who treat you the way you want to be treated...if they can't kick them to the curb...you shouldn't have to "show" them how to treat a lady. It's a no brainer, it's all about them and nothing about you.

[Gretchen12]

I tend to think there are two types of guys: those who send dick pics and those who don't. I can't imagine a non dick pic guy suddenly start taking(!) and sending those pics as soon as he goes OLD. I also don't think it has to do with how fast you move, since you don't intend to move in that direction.

 

I've done OLD before and I never got these types of guys with the "show me your ..." comments. I think I picked better behaved men :-) Stay away from profiles that contain these words: "naughty", "open-minded". Also no shirtless bathroom selfies.

[smackie9]

Also no shirtless bathroom selfies.

Oh yuck! you got that right.

[Wanderlust2018]

I tried dating sites a few times, finally gave up.

 

At least 80% of men on dating sites try to treat you like their personal porn star before you ever meet, with a hundred variations of the cheesy and gross "show me what's under those pajamas" line.

 

The ones who seem halfway nice at first usually turn out to have major issues you could never get past - sketchy employment history, finances a mess, substance abuse, etc.

 

It works for some but I'd guess not most, as it's not a natural way to meet.

 

From a mans perspective...this works both ways. I’ve met plenty of women via OLD (and through friends/acquaintances) who seem “halfway nice at first” only to end up being completely bat$&It crazy and have no drive, direction, education or even a career. Aside from that, the same goes for plenty of ladies who are more than willing to offer up unsolicited pics in various levels of dress or undress if you will. You shouldn’t stereotype all men like this...just sayin...

[MetallicHue]

I’ll give a slightly different perspective. In the corporate world while I would keep in mind people are on their best behavior I’ve met a lot of people who were pretty cool. Not all of them are with someone. Maybe try staying away from dating sites and try looking around you. You may get a more normal crowd.

[OnlyHonesty]

Ive talked to guys in passing at jobs and they aren't looking for relationships, just sex. For example, the other day a guy I vaguely know said how frustrated he felt and that he wanted sex...then he mentioned signing up for a dating site. This is perhaps the majority of guys motivations...

 

Maybe hunger is what drives most to date, so no surprise when you receive indications of thirst to go along with it. The reason why some men send pics of their meat, is either due to a projection of how they see attraction....onto females, or they are severely clouded by their own desperation and absolute hunger for flesh.

 

 

Also bear in mind the state of the world overall.....then ask yourself why you'd expect to find any different when dating a cross section of that same world.

Edited August 11, 2019 by OnlyHonesty

[MetallicHue]

Ive talked to guys in passing at jobs and they aren't looking for relationships, just sex. For example, the other day a guy I vaguely know said how frustrated he felt and that he wanted sex...then he mentioned signing up for a dating site. This is perhaps the majority of guys motivations...

 

Maybe hunger is what drives most to date, so no surprise when you receive indications of thirst to go along with it. The reason why some men send pics of their meat, is either due to a projection of how they see attraction....onto females, or they are severely clouded by their own desperation and absolute hunger for flesh.

 

 

Also bear in mind the state of the world overall.....then ask yourself why you'd expect to find any different when dating a cross section of that same world.

 

I’m sorry to hear that. Doesn’t speak well to my kind. I know at least where I work there are some good people there. If I were single definitely wouldn’t be like that.

[The Outlaw]

If it's exhausting, give yourself more of a longer break before you're ready to get back out there. That's OLD for you. Most people aren't looking for a relationship, just a hookup.

[Inflikted]

Huh. Yanno, while I've never actually dated, I've known a lot of women that have been chatty about their love lives, and it always amazes me how common it seems that other guys get so sexually explicit so quickly. I mean, it sounds like something out of a TV show, but evidently, it's not.

 

As a guy, I can't imagine being like that. Granted, I've never dated, never had sex, and probably sexually repressed myself to an unhealthy degree, so I guess I just don't know what it's like to have that kind of "appetite". I'd like to think I wouldn't turn into a total hornball if I were flirting with someone... Like another guy said earlier in the thread, I feel like I'd be a guy who doesn't move "fast enough" for someone, mostly because I don't know what's okay and what's not.

[OatsAndHall]

OLD can be exhausting and frustrating. I use it but I have to take frequent breaks from the sites to keep my sanity. I've had two LTRs born from OLD but there's disasters mixed in there as well.

 

 

With some experience, you'll figure out which guys to avoid and who to put energy into. IME, the length of their longest committed relationship is a good vetting point. I've had the best experience with women who are divorcees or have been in longer relationships.

[newyorker11356]

That's online dating for you, most guys use it just to get into a girls knickers. That's the only reason I used it too when I was single.

 

 

Stick to real life if you want something serious.

 

Lol, as if in real life, there aren't guys that just want sex

 

Plenty of guys (myself included) look for something serious via online dating.

[SumGuy]

Huh. Yanno, while I've never actually dated, I've known a lot of women that have been chatty about their love lives, and it always amazes me how common it seems that other guys get so sexually explicit so quickly. I mean, it sounds like something out of a TV show, but evidently, it's not.

 

As a guy, I can't imagine being like that. Granted, I've never dated, never had sex, and probably sexually repressed myself to an unhealthy degree, so I guess I just don't know what it's like to have that kind of "appetite". I'd like to think I wouldn't turn into a total hornball if I were flirting with someone... Like another guy said earlier in the thread, I feel like I'd be a guy who doesn't move "fast enough" for someone, mostly because I don't know what's okay and what's not.

 

 

Can say as a guy who has dated a fair bit, and had more than his share of great sex and with those of like appetite, this explicit stuff is just crass and in my opinion over compensating (to put it nicely). In my opinion what is described was not flirting just sleaze. Flirting (again in my opinion) is not explicit, that's the fun of it, it's on the edge, implicit, it's in the nuance, in the wit and the suggestion (even if a strong one).

[SumGuy]

Lol, as if in real life, there aren't guys that just want sex

 

Plenty of guys (myself included) look for something serious via online dating.

 

 

 

Seconded. I'm looking for something serious and via on-line dating. Have found it a few times, but alas not the rest of my life relationship yet...still believe it is possible though; just far from easy.

 

 

Overall, I think the guy pool you are accessing can strongly depend on the age of potential dates you are dealing with/where they are in life. Also I strongly suspect the site as well has an impact on the guy pool you are exposed to.

[Flame Aura]

Lol, as if in real life, there aren't guys that just want sex

 

Plenty of guys (myself included) look for something serious via online dating.

 

Do you have a problem reading? Maybe look up the meaning of the word 'most'. It doesn't mean 'everyone'.

[mr_ybor]

Do you have a problem reading? Maybe look up the meaning of the word 'most'. It doesn't mean 'everyone'.

 

If I recall right, Tinder (of all sites) did an anonymous study and found ~ 80% of guys were looking for relationships/girlfriends. The vast, VAST majority of guys I know (myself included) are either in that situation or looking for that situation.

[Watercolors]

@emma this guy sounds...ewww....just desperate for sex. I mean, c'mon his incessant texting while you were asleep? His lewd text messages when he barely knows you (so gross, btw). Does he not remember how to woo a woman, much less, use the phone and call you?

 

I mean, it's nice that you two have things in common but his manners (or lack thereof) scream horny teenage boy not mature stable man who is online dating so he can find a relationship.

[emmab219]

I agree...it was just really disappointing to feel like we had this great connection and then have it turn into that. Part of me was just trying to play it off as 'it's fine, he's just being flirty'...but I know there's a BIG difference in being flirtatious and just plain being disrespectful. Like there were a million other ways he could've said he was into me aside from 'I really wanted to bend you over last night'. After ONE date. So still literal strangers.

 

I definitely made sure to put some distance between us over the weekend. At one point he asked what I was doing, and I said I was enjoying the weather by the pool. Of course he asked for a photo...so I sent him one of the water lol. Later on I got a "I miss you" text from him which I ignored. Cause again...ONE DATE.

 

Idk, it's just disappointing cause I was very into him until the morning after our date when he said all that crass stuff to me. It was a huge turn off and made me feel a little icky. Didn't even mention how at one point he sent me a picture of his bed and said there was lots of room for activities. Ick. So yes, sounds desperate to get laid. He's so nice and humorous the rest of the time...it's like why can't you keep this part of yourself in check?!

 

WHY.

 

I would def prefer to meet guys in person but I have no clue where. Most of my friends either have kids or are in committed relationships so we're not going out to bars or anything. And meeting someone at work is not ever going to happen. Never thought I'd be in this predicament of having to date again, but here I am....heavy sigh.

[Watercolors]

 

Idk, it's just disappointing cause I was very into him until the morning after our date when he said all that crass stuff to me. It was a huge turn off and made me feel a little icky. Didn't even mention how at one point he sent me a picture of his bed and said there was lots of room for activities. Ick. So yes, sounds desperate to get laid. He's so nice and humorous the rest of the time...it's like why can't you keep this part of yourself in check?!

 

WHY.

 

Aye, there's the rub (not the kind that guy is thinking about tho' ewww).

 

Guys like him, are why online dating has sunken to new depths and why people should protest by dating ONLY in person. Think of the revolution! I blame Chuck Woolery. His Love Connection computer dating tv show started all this online dating nonsense.

 

One date and he impersonates Andrew Dice Clay over text, thinking that crassness is the equivalent of a bouquet of roses? Um, no. "Lots of room for activities?" Ewww. Just ewww!

 

Reminds me of a guy I *was* Facebook friends with -- single dad of two college age children b/c his wife ran away (good for her). I met him a couple of times and after each date (in hindsight, the dates were like 4 hour rorschach tests for my sanity) he would PM me photos of himself laying in his bed (fully clothed, oh thank god, seeing him naked would have given me PTSD) after he downed how many bottles of some alcohol (words can be sloshed onscreen via many typos). Needless to say, I deleted him from my life and FB. B/c as my favorite clown from that 90s hit tv show In Living Color quipped, "Homey don't play that."

 

As William Horman from the movie Kingsman said, "manners maketh man." Clearly, your guy has none. Men like him can't keep his manners in check simply because he has none. He's a keyboard Mad Max, thinking his lewd language will somehow turn you on when really it repulses you (as it should).

 

I wouldn't go out with him again, unless it's to refer him to a halfway house for witless wonders.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Watercolors