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Dating a guy who might be bipolar and says contradictory things


adilaurentis

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adilaurentis

I've been dating someone for almost a year and thought I found "the one" until recently when I started to notice that he might be bipolar and he goes through pretty regular episodes of depression. The issue is that he's the most emotionless person I've ever met and he generally hates humans or being around people. He also rarely misses anyone (including family). He constantly mentions that he'd be glad to die tomorrow and living is just too annoying sometimes. He doesn't understand why people are afraid of death.

 

The weird thing is that when he's all upbeat and in a great mood, he's very hopeful about a lot of things. He makes me feel important and includes me in his future plans. In general we're moving in the right direction and we're planning on moving in together later this year.

 

However, when he's down and bored (which can be pretty frequent), especially when he's out of town on work travel, he gets irritated and depressed and hates being around people. I actually understand that he wants to be home, but one time I got a bit upset because he's being too distant, he got impatient and revealed that he actually doesn't miss me that much when he's gone and that he was relishing being able to get away for a bit. In the midst of his whole bad mood, he also said that it'd actually been a long way coming and that he's just not "feeling it" for us. He said he hates kids and doesn't feel like he's ready to commit. These are all mind-blowing to me considering how he acts the exact opposite when he's in a better mood.

 

What's even more concerning and confusing is that after we have a conversation and chat about it, and after his mood gets better, he'd change his tones. For example, I said if you feel suffocated I won't contact you this weekend when you're out with your colleagues. He'd get frustrated and mad about that comment because, "of course I want to talk to you and keep in touch with you!" I'd be like, you just made it sound like you want space and all that, and now I give you space and you get mad.

 

I'm actually not sure what to do because he's really good and hopeful when he's not depressed. I also don't know if I should take what he said about "not feeling it for us" seriously because if he doesn't see marriage in the future, I don't want to waste my time with this person.

 

Sometimes I feel like we're just incompatible, despite a lot of similar interests. He loves to drink a lot and plays a ton of video games, whereas I don't drink much and I despise adults who tend to be glued to video games for a long time. These used to be issues when we first started dating but I'm mostly over them now.

 

I just find that if I show that I care or check in on him sometimes, he might feel pressured or suffocated and craves freedom. If I leave him be and give him the freedom he wants, he also feels that I don't care anymore or that I'm giving up. It's confusing to say the least.

 

Any insights would be appreciated!

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Is he willing to seek help for his mental health? It could be worth staying with him if he's prepared to discuss things with his doctor and follow up any referals to a psychiatrist. But if he refuses to seek help, you'd be better off getting yourself out of there.

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OatsAndHall

I'm not a psychiatrist and the information I am about to provide is by no means a substitute for medical attention. I doubt your boyfriend is bipolar and would imagine his heavy drinking is at the root of his mood swings. People don't seem to realize how daily drinking can impact one's mental health. Sleep patterns are disrupted, brain chemistry is altered, and it can just be a friggin' mess.

 

 

 

Generally speaking, getting a bipolar diagnosis requires that all other variables be eliminated; drugs, alcohol, psychotropic medication and even sleep apnea. This is because treatment for bipolar disorder requires some heavy-duty medication and therapy.

 

 

 

Either way, he either needs to get help or you need to leave.

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MetallicHue

I’m bipolar. Started off my day feeling completely zen. By the end of the day I’m going through similar down though not as severe sorts of feelings. Sometimes I’m really focused on tomorrow. Other times Im kinda down and see less purpose in life. I actually started back here again to feel like I was doing more. Regardless I’m on medication. I’m tough to live with. But to be bluntly honest medication and psychology is not a cure all. Even if you get help there still may be a good portion of it left. I wish I could go everyday thinking like a normal person. Sometimes I have to take a step back and realize that I can’t control the negativity but at least realizing it’s not me. These are all sorts of things you may have to deal with from the other side. It’s really a tough choice but hopefully with help it can be easier. If it was the other way and I knew my love of my life had mental illness I would try and work it out (if they were willing to get help).

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if he is able to handle the stress of a regular job then he is probably not bipolar. many bipolars cannot function AT ALL when they are clinically depressed or psychotically manic, some have to go into hospital.

 

I know, i'm bipolar. PM me if you need more info

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I agree that it doesn't sound like bipolar that I've seen, but he still needs help even if it's depression.

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MetallicHue
if he is able to handle the stress of a regular job then he is probably not bipolar. many bipolars cannot function AT ALL when they are clinically depressed or psychotically manic, some have to go into hospital.

 

I know, i'm bipolar. PM me if you need more info

 

You’re right. There’s a lot more to being bipolar than what i wrote. However clinical depression in my instances only were for several days and last major episode was 6-7 years ago. In my situations did not affect my job (just took several days off) and were completely unrelated to it in episode.

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You’re right. There’s a lot more to being bipolar than what i wrote. However clinical depression in my instances only were for several days and last major episode was 6-7 years ago. In my situations did not affect my job (just took several days off) and were completely unrelated to it in episode.

 

my clinically depressive episodes lasted around 6 weeks each. I've had 6 or 7 of these over my lifetime. But the last one was around 10 years ago, my Zoloft 50mg has been doing its job.

 

bipolar is a very complex and very deadly chronic illness. most people know nothing about it.

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I'm not a psychiatrist and the information I am about to provide is by no means a substitute for medical attention. I doubt your boyfriend is bipolar and would imagine his heavy drinking is at the root of his mood swings. People don't seem to realize how daily drinking can impact one's mental health. Sleep patterns are disrupted, brain chemistry is altered, and it can just be a friggin' mess.

 

 

 

Generally speaking, getting a bipolar diagnosis requires that all other variables be eliminated; drugs, alcohol, psychotropic medication and even sleep apnea. This is because treatment for bipolar disorder requires some heavy-duty medication and therapy.

 

 

 

Either way, he either needs to get help or you need to leave.

 

 

People who are bi-polar more often than not are addicted to some substance or another because they use it to self-medicate especially prior to being properly diagnosed. They have trouble sticking with prescribed medications as well because of their mood swings and fluctuating desire to be "well".

 

 

Most of the time though, they can be helped but it takes some dedication and discipline on their part.

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People who are bi-polar more often than not are addicted to some substance or another because they use it to self-medicate especially prior to being properly diagnosed. They have trouble sticking with prescribed medications as well because of their mood swings and fluctuating desire to be "well".

 

 

Most of the time though, they can be helped but it takes some dedication and discipline on their part.

 

well put Rh14

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As is, he is not anyone to try to plan a life with! Stopping drinking and going to a psychiatrist would be mandatory and if that doesn't work because he has a bad attitude about it or he doesn't take his meds, then that would be a dealbreakers.

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MetallicHue

I would caution everyone has different experiences so it’s not easy to generalize. There are many types of bipolar and people can have it to varying degrees. Pretty much the same with any mental illness.

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As is, he is not anyone to try to plan a life with! Stopping drinking and going to a psychiatrist would be mandatory and if that doesn't work because he has a bad attitude about it or he doesn't take his meds, then that would be a dealbreakers.

 

preraph, even if he stops abusing substances and finds a good doctor AND the right cocktail of meds and tries to live a good life the disease will still cause problems on occasion. he can still have "breakout" episodes from time to time but they will be less severe

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I would caution everyone has different experiences so it’s not easy to generalize. There are many types of bipolar and people can have it to varying degrees. Pretty much the same with any mental illness.

 

totally true

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preraph, even if he stops abusing substances and finds a good doctor AND the right cocktail of meds and tries to live a good life the disease will still cause problems on occasion. he can still have "breakout" episodes from time to time but they will be less severe

 

I know. I have an old friend who's bipolar. She wouldn't stay on meds either. She missed the manic. And she got worse as she got older. She tried hard to conceal it when she was young and we lived together, though I can clearly see the mania, but only saw the dark side a couple of times.

 

It is different for everyone and there's two different types. I don't find bipolar to be a dealbreaker, but it depends how destructive they are. My friend was a liar and sneaky, but often a lot of fun. Her illness was complicated by narcissism.

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I've been dating someone for almost a year and ... recently when I started to notice that he might be bipolar ... Any insights would be appreciated!

Hi adilaurentis, I agree that the behavior is confusing. However, I would be cautious to label a person as bipolar if it has taken a year for you to notice anything like this.

 

Regarding having personal space, this is something which is important to many people, and the amount of personal space needed can vary. Rather than guessing, you might consider asking him. Only he knows how much personal space he needs, and it could vary depending on his mood. (And that's ok.)

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adilaurentis
Hi adilaurentis, I agree that the behavior is confusing. However, I would be cautious to label a person as bipolar if it has taken a year for you to notice anything like this.

 

Regarding having personal space, this is something which is important to many people, and the amount of personal space needed can vary. Rather than guessing, you might consider asking him. Only he knows how much personal space he needs, and it could vary depending on his mood. (And that's ok.)

 

That makes sense. His needs for space vary GREATLY depending on his mood. If he feel good he wants to see me every day or constantly plans stuff to do or looks into the future; when he's depressed he's completely shut down and throws around all kinds of hurtful things. It's really hard to tell which part of what he says is what he truly means.

 

I don't want to only hear what I want to hear, like many people, and only pick on his positive effort. I'm more concerned about the fact that when he's depressed, he seems to think our relationship is hopeless and that he doesn't want to commit at all. I don't know what to believe anymore.

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adilaurentis
if he is able to handle the stress of a regular job then he is probably not bipolar. many bipolars cannot function AT ALL when they are clinically depressed or psychotically manic, some have to go into hospital.

 

I know, i'm bipolar. PM me if you need more info

 

Does the inability to handle stressful social situations count? He hates people and crowded areas and if someone "offends" him in ways that he loathes, it often triggers extremely negative emotions that don't go away easily.

 

I'll give you an example. One time he visits a friend at an apartment building where it requires one of those key fobs to operate the elevators. He saw a young lady by the elevator that looks like a resident and asked if she could swipe the elevator for him. It's a pretty typical request and most people would happily oblige. However, that girl got scared and said, "sorry, I don't know if we're supposed to that." As a result he had to be stranded a bit longer and waited for his friend to come down to get him.

 

This whole incident got him so mad that he got so depressed and he cursed the ENTIRE night. He kept saying that "humans are all a piece of ****" and "completely useless and inconsiderate" etc.

 

The same goes if someone walks in front of him on the sidewalk in an inconsiderate way, or if an unreasonable cashier at a grocery store who doesn't accept one of his credit cards at checkout. He would go completely MAD for a whole day...

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This whole incident got him so mad that he got so depressed and he cursed the ENTIRE night. He kept saying that "humans are all a piece of ****" and "completely useless and inconsiderate" etc.

 

The same goes if someone walks in front of him on the sidewalk in an inconsiderate way, or if an unreasonable cashier at a grocery store who doesn't accept one of his credit cards at checkout. He would go completely MAD for a whole day...

 

that doesn't sound like bipolar to me but I could be wrong. the disease manifests itself differently in different people. to diagnose the disease one has to become pretty much non-functional as a human being for a period of time...a medical professional needs to do this

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Does the inability to handle stressful social situations count?

 

As part of a bigger picture this could happen. But on it's own, it doesn't sound like bi-polar. The bipolar I've seen cycles from crushing lows to elated highs gradually over weeks or months. One of my friends gets higher and higher and then WHAM! Crash. And slowly, slowly gets higher ang higher until the next crash. For him, it's about a six week cycle.

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mortensorchid

I had two friends who were/are bipolar. Dealing with them was truly horrifying at times. They were very similar people now that I look back on it : alcoholic / drug users, neither were ravishing beauties but there was a certain cuteness in their faces, both were short in stature. When you're short as a woman you can use it to your advantage because people think you're cute (some men can get away with it but not all). And they knew that cute little girls who give out cute smiles get the things they want from people. One was very much a user, the other was just plain crazy. After all their antics of drunken hell and the other driving her now ex husband to a suicide attempt (he survived, lost 50 lbs of misery weight and happily remarried), going through people like Kleenex, I washed my hands of both of them. And I am also happy.

 

Not to say that they are the same as your bf, but consider the situation you're in: You've been together for a year, the endorphins have worn off and now you're in a relationship. He's not as perfect as he seemed to be in the beginning, now you have to accept things. And his being bipolar is a big thing to accept.

 

Contradictory? Yes, that's what bipolar people do. The last thing they will do is go to a shrink. I've been going to one for years, way back when both of them asked me for my same shrink's number. One canceled because she couldn't get an appointment for 6 weeks, the other said she was afraid to because she didn't want anyone to know about all the sleazy things she'd done. I said I'm sure shrinks hear a lot of things but privacy law tells them they can't discuss with others. (This was the same woman, btw, who called a mutual friend and razzed him about being dxed with an STD that she found on the computers at the health insurance company where we both worked.)

 

Encourage him to seek professional help for the condition to see if that is what, in fact, he has. Also encourage him to get on meds and see if they help him. If not, you're in for a ride.

 

Best of luck with this one.

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I’m bipolar. Regardless I’m on medication. I’m tough to live with. But to be bluntly honest medication and psychology is not a cure all. Even if you get help there still may be a good portion of it left.

 

I wish I could go everyday thinking like a normal person.

 

When I was in the hospital for a test the nurse I was dealing with admitted she was diagnosed bi-polar. I really couldn't tell.

 

I would reconsider wanting to think like a normal person because I don't know what that is. If you mean you want to carry a conversation from beginning to end in a logical manner then you already do quite well at that.

 

Have you ever thought about participating in Bi-polar studies that are near where you live? There is a site on the net that you plug your condition into and it will give a list or trials going on within a prescribed area.

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OP, he certainly sounds like he has some issue, especially with alcohol but only a medical professional could determine if he has a clinical mental health issue. My partner is bipolar, his last manic episode was 1993 and his last depression was 2004. Holding off his depression requires a mix of meds, therapy, a regular sleep schedule, daily meditation and proper diet. He's been at his job for 18 years and is generally a loving, kindhearted person. It took him a LOT of work to get to were he is and he knows (as do I) that despite doing everything, he could have an episode. It's not an easy road and it's a big decision to chooseto be in a relationship with someone who is bipolar.

 

You need to have a conversation with him about his behavior, how it's effecting you and your relationship. He needs to see a professional and get a diagnosis so that he can begin the work. The situation you are in is not sustainable, it will start to effect your mental health. If he chooses to get help then you can make the decision to stay and try to make a go of it. If he doesn't, then you should think about moving on. Good luck.

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