Still feeling a bit of despair after good date gone bad.

[beautifulearth83]

I posted about this before, so I won’t repeat the whole story. But basically I recently met a girl when I was in the city. I wasn’t looking for women and have actually been pretty firm on focusing on myself.

 

We ended up spending the day and some of the night together, and it was actually a lot of fun and I thought we had great energy together. Without going too far into it, I’m pretty sure I basically screwed it up by showing my insecurities, and thought maybe the fact that I live with my parents was a red flag to her.

 

I tried to recover things over the next few days via text/phone and probably came across as a bit desperate. I stopped reaching out and haven’t heard from her. That’s fine, but a sick part of me wishes she would call.

 

She called me one night to tell me about her dark past and I listened. And we talked about some pretty personal and deep stuff on the “date”.

 

So I guess my issue is that even though I’ve hardly spent time with her, I feel like I maintain this emotional connection on my end, and feel really down about her not being interested. And also I get sentimental about the songs we were listening to that day and the places we went and things we talked about. I remember everything, and it’s kind of painful like I’m reliving the downfall/rejection.

 

I’ve never really dated just to date before. I’ve always met somebody awesome and we would end up together, or I’d be drunk and fool around with somebody (don’t drink anymore).

 

So I guess I’m just curious how others deal with and look at these sort of situations in dating. How do you just dust yourself off and go on the next date? I feel like all I’ll do is compare the next person to her.

 

I know it sounds crazy, because we spent so little time together, and I’m pretty sure I know what my mistakes were, but I find it hard to move on. Maybe it is just ego?

[Bantosm]

As you said, you never dated just to date before. Yet, doing that allowed a strong connection to develop. Unfortunately, you were not accustomed to properly handling the situation. No problem. Simply make an effort to date and develop the experience. I had the same type of failure. In my case, I had always dated women who lived near a major city 30 miles away. When I started to date a woman from my small town, it was completely different situation than what i was used to.

 

Sometimes when it hard to move on, consider taking a second chance.

[beautifulearth83]

As you said, you never dated just to date before. Yet, doing that allowed a strong connection to develop. Unfortunately, you were not accustomed to properly handling the situation. No problem. Simply make an effort to date and develop the experience. I had the same type of failure. In my case, I had always dated women who lived near a major city 30 miles away. When I started to date a woman from my small town, it was completely different situation than what i was used to.

 

Sometimes when it hard to move on, consider taking a second chance.

 

Thank you. Yeah maybe city here. I live in the burbs but met her in the city, where she is likely going on a number of dates each week with plenty of options. Then there’s me, who has been reserved and doesn’t really date actively.

 

I like the way you put it though, that I was doing something I really wasn’t accustomed to, so I should probably forgive myself.

 

And maybe the dating scene just isn’t for me, or I just need to work on my issues with getting attached and try to be more selective.

[smackie9]

Talking about negative dark way too personal stuff on dates or even a first date is the kiss of death. That has dysfunctional written all over it. You want positive results you keep things light, fun, upbeat and keep a little mystery. Never go deep into conversations and give it all away. Sometimes you will say too much and it turns into regret. She goes eek and it’s over.

[beautifulearth83]

Talking about negative dark way too personal stuff on dates or even a first date is the kiss of death. That has dysfunctional written all over it. You want positive results you keep things light, fun, upbeat and keep a little mystery. Never go deep into conversations and give it all away. Sometimes you will say too much and it turns into regret. She goes eek and it’s over.

 

Yeah I know, but the way we met sort of happened naturally, and she was always the one to talk about the deep dark stuff. So I probably should have been the one to go “eek”, but I didn’t, because I genuinely care about people and I’m a good listener.

 

But then she just backed off, and it made me feel kind of used. How could you have a nice day and night with somebody, share things that you probably haven’t even shared with your own mother, and then just discard me like nothing happened?

 

Perhaps I give things too much meaning, or maybe she is just super sensitive and something I said or did made her uncomfortable. I may never know, but I don’t like feeling this way. She had like 9,000 red flags yet I’m the one sitting at home feeling inadequate.

[kendahke]

The best piece of advice anyone can give you is to never expect devotion from the first glance (of either their face or your device screen) with a stranger. It's unrealistic.

 

You had one date and the expectations you heaped upon her crushed her interest. A good rule of thumb is to first figure out if the person you want to share your deep, dark intimate secrets with is someone you can stand to be around for any length of time. The time spent on one date will not reveal that.

[smackie9]

Yeah I know, but the way we met sort of happened naturally, and she was always the one to talk about the deep dark stuff. So I probably should have been the one to go “eek”, but I didn’t, because I genuinely care about people and I’m a good listener.

 

But then she just backed off, and it made me feel kind of used. How could you have a nice day and night with somebody, share things that you probably haven’t even shared with your own mother, and then just discard me like nothing happened?

 

Perhaps I give things too much meaning, or maybe she is just super sensitive and something I said or did made her uncomfortable. I may never know, but I don’t like feeling this way. She had like 9,000 red flags yet I’m the one sitting at home feeling inadequate.

You are right you should have been the one to go "eek!" To me anyone who needs to talk about very personal stuff on a date, goes to show you they have unresolved issues...and haven't move on from it.

[OatsAndHall]

I would suggest that you get out and date more often. It takes some time to become comfortable in your own skin and learn to deal with the emotions that go with dating. I had a tough time handling rejection after a good first date when I first hit the market and I had to learn how to deal with it.

 

 

 

When I first jumped back into the game,I had a great first date with a woman. We hung out for ten solid hours; hiking, dinner, and a movie. Conversation was natural and fun with her, we had common interests and things got hot n' heavy by the end of the evening. I still put it up there with one of the best dates I've had. We planned a second date and I was stoked. But she completely flaked out on me the next week and I was pretty broken up about it.

 

 

 

It took a few more rounds of dating and I learned to handle things better. I was ghosted after four fun dates with a woman awhile back and I just shook it off. When I first began dating, I would have taken that hard.

[beautifulearth83]

You are right you should have been the one to go "eek!" To me anyone who needs to talk about very personal stuff on a date, goes to show you they have unresolved issues...and haven't move on from it.

 

Thanks for your vote. To list a few more, she talked about her ex-boyfriends, spoke down about people in her life, talked about her broken family, about how she'd been raped and abused, how her ex dumped her because she did something dumb in a blackout, how maybe she drinks too much, she gets high, she moved to the city I live in to get away from things and start new, she cried in the restaurant, cried on my shoulder outside, hugged me, held hands, made out, wanted to go home with me, called me drunk at 330am for emotional support after she had been on another date, etc. etc.

 

Yet, all I'm able to see is that she was super cute, funny, talented, smart, fun to be around, etc. etc. - And in addition to that I'm able to put myself down because she hasn't shown any interest past our first excursion.