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I'm a 36 y/o male that's been dating a 38 y/o female for the past 4 and a half years. We've lived together for the past 2 years now. I think I'm either having troubles committing to the relationship or something else is off. I'll try to keep the backstory brief.

 

We met through a meetup group that used to do bar trivia. We were friends for sometime and then on her birthday we hooked up. A few days later we discussed if we wanted to see where things would go or not. We decided to see where things would go and so we started dating / became exclusive. I told her I wanted to take things slow after my last relationship kind of blew up. She said she's not that type as she likes to move fast (i.e when she knows what she wants she goes after it). I understood and thought to myself it wouldn't be that bad.

 

Everything was fine at first, but then after about 6 months she started asking about me moving in. At that time, I was 31 and had recently moved out of my mom's place for a little over a year. I was very hesitant about moving in with her. Over the course of the next year and a half, we would get into arguments as to why I hadn't moved in yet / proposed. During this time, most of our friends were getting engaged/moving in together so i kind of understood where she was coming from.

 

I finally did move in with her after stalling for so long and listening to friends advice that things get better once you move in with your partner. At first it was fine, but since it was a 1 bedroom apartment, I started feeling a bit trapped (I like having space in the literal sense). We still had arguments over friends getting engaged while she was not. This wasn't all the time, but every few months the topic would get brought up somehow. She wanted to be married before 40 even though she didn't want kids.

 

Over the course of our relationship, we would get along and have a good time. She is the type of person that has to say everything that's her mind. As such, she would point out things I'd do or not do (almost nitpicking). She would say things to me that would make me feel insecure about myself and would get frustrated with me if I didn't understand something she was asking me to do. She's admitted that she doesn't have a lot of patience for people in general and I've tolerated it for the most part trying to be patient with her. For all her faults, I had my own where I had issues communicating with her because I would feel it pointless/easier to just stay quiet and ride with the wave hoping things would get better. I also tend to be more pessimistic about things as I struggle with possible depression symptoms / I think everything I do is doomed to failure due to past life experiences.

 

Sometime last year, we had tried couples therapy for about a month (the therapist ended up retiring). We were running into issues where we were arguing often and I was starting to realize that we are potentially incompatible. We didn't really share similar hobbies except watching TV, going to Broadway shows, or picking vacation spots. Her hobbies mainly consist of reading and going to her family's beach house in the summer. Mine are more on the nerdy side (video games, anime, comic cons, baseball games, etc.). She didn't really have any interest in my hobbies which was a huge bummer, but as I said before, we would have a good time together so I let it go. It just felt more like at a friendship than anything else.

 

Fast-forward to now, she is looking to sell her apartment after labor day and had asked me if I would co-sign a mortgage with her. I explained to her I didn't feel comfortable going in on a mortgage together since I wasn't sure about the future of our relationship. We both agreed that we each view the relationship and life in general in very different ways. This led into a conversation about the future of our relationship and how she doesn't want to keep feeling in limbo while I was unsure about our future or if I'd ever be sure. I told her I'd have been more certain about things if we had more in common and able to share my interests with her. We agreed to give couples therapy another shot, but I wonder if at this point if it's too late for that and we should go our separate ways.

 

She can't fathom the idea of breaking up and is upset that this is the second time in her life that she put all her eggs in one basket and it didn't work out (last time being someone she dated in college). Meanwhile, I'm sitting here thinking to myself that I'm the problem and that there is something wrong with me. I feel so bad and have no idea how to process this.

 

Sorry if this came off unclear, I didn't want to get into every single detail. I can clarify further if need be.

 

Thanks all.

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I agree with you that it wouldn't be a good idea to enter a mortgage agreement with her. You two sound more like friends than lovers. Never marry someone unless you can't wait to be married to them and it doesn't seem that you feel that way about this girl. Even moving in didn't seem like something you were excited to do but just went along with the flow. I also agree the couples therapy wouldn't help either at this point. It sounds like any spark you had for her is gone.

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Lotsgoingon

Yes, most likely you simply do not like her enough to date or to move in with.

 

You really you only want to move in with someone when you are fanatically, passionately excited to do so. Anything less is a prescription for disaster.

 

I too hesitated in moving forward with a big relationship in my 30s, and I thought I had "commitment" issues. Took til my 40s to figure out that while I really liked my partner at the time I was not passionate about her. I hadn't dated someone I was passionate about so long, that I almost forgot that such a feeling even existed.

 

A relationship has to fit who you are right now ... with your fears, anxieties, insecurities, all of it ... it has to work with those things. We all have insecurities and quirks. All of us. A good relationship allows us to go forward pretty easily without apologizing for--or being on the defensive about--who we are--right now, quirks and all.

 

Definitely, do not move in. You don't want to move in ... Sounds like really a breakup would be good for you.

 

BTW: the key thing here is your overall feeling. People can have quite different interests and still make each other feel really comfortable. People can also live in small spaces and feel good. Those aren't the issue.

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You are 36 not 26. You have been together for 4.5 years. Since you are still questioning your future together, I'm leaning toward you might [not] have one.

 

I think you best sit down & do a pros & cons list about marriage. See what that gets you. Then act accordingly but I would not sign a mortgage before you were married.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Not, not 'now' - typo fixed
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Silver_star

It makes me wonder why you would want to spend time with someone, and have them invest so much time and emotional energy in you if you dont see a future with them....do you want a casual relationship forever with this woman? Are you with her just for the sake of being in a relationship or do you love her, the good and the bad? Not just "tolerating"the bad, but accepting her.

 

I'd say let her go, until you can be 100% invested in a future. Part of being an adult and growing in a relationship is doing it TOGETHER. You should be psyched for the future, not walled off about commitment because she doesn't share ALL the same interests. Sounds like you are making excuses because you are confused about your feelings toward her, or confused about your inner feelings about commitment/love.

 

Your comment about your past life experiences and being doomed to failure, sounds like you need to sort through your own issues, not couples therapy.

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Now, you can't expect women over 21 to be interested in video games and comicon and anime to the extent you are.

 

I think your instincts were right that you had just moved out of your parents' home at 30, which is late, and I believe you truly did need to be on your own living alone for a couple more years because it's good to get away from the influences and see who you really are when you're on your own.

 

She's been pushy from the get-go. Moving in at six months is really premature.

So she doesn't want kids, but do you?

 

I mean, it's all or nothing with her, but you were right to refuse to go cosign her mortgage. That's just a no. You don't do anything like that until you're married to a person. Even then, you don't marry until you know that they have good sense about spending and all that. Is she fiscally responsible or is she going to run your finances into the ground? Definitely do not mix money with her unless you do marry her.

 

Since she's not having kids, not sure what she's in such a hurry about, but don't do anything you don't feel in your gut is right. But again, hoping to find someone who just wants to play games all day at your age isn't realistic. I would be worrying more about finding someone who had a good upwardly mobil job and was financially independent to some extent. I'm sure she's not happy that you don't want to go to the real-life things she enjoys too, so maybe you are simply not suited for each other.

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It doesn't sound like you two are in love. You are just comfortable with each other and that's OK. Not every love affair has to be storybook quality.

 

If you wanted to marry her, you would know it by now so I say make plans for your exit. Did your parents keep your old bedroom furnished or is now Dad's den?

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I too hesitated in moving forward with a big relationship in my 30s, and I thought I had "commitment" issues. Took til my 40s to figure out that while I really liked my partner at the time I was not passionate about her. I hadn't dated someone I was passionate about so long, that I almost forgot that such a feeling even existed.

 

I think this is a very accurate assessment of what part of me is feeling. I used to be so passionate in previous relationships and I don't particularly feel that way anymore.

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It makes me wonder why you would want to spend time with someone, and have them invest so much time and emotional energy in you if you dont see a future with them....do you want a casual relationship forever with this woman? Are you with her just for the sake of being in a relationship or do you love her, the good and the bad? Not just "tolerating"the bad, but accepting her.

 

I'd say let her go, until you can be 100% invested in a future. Part of being an adult and growing in a relationship is doing it TOGETHER. You should be psyched for the future, not walled off about commitment because she doesn't share ALL the same interests. Sounds like you are making excuses because you are confused about your feelings toward her, or confused about your inner feelings about commitment/love.

 

Your comment about your past life experiences and being doomed to failure, sounds like you need to sort through your own issues, not couples therapy.

 

It wasn't like that the entire relationship, we had a lot of good times. Sure we had ups and downs like all relationships do, but for the first couple of years we were doing alright.

 

I tried not to be walled off about the relationship and growing together, but over time, things between us felt very different. I'm not sure how to accurately describe it. Like something changed over time and I didn't feel like I was growing, but just going through the motions to appease her.

 

As for my previous experiences, I've been seeing a therapist for the past 5 years and I do make efforts to continue to self-improve / have more positive outlooks on life. It's always a struggle especially with so many other factors in my life, but that's a story for another time.

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Now, you can't expect women over 21 to be interested in video games and comicon and anime to the extent you are.

 

I think your instincts were right that you had just moved out of your parents' home at 30, which is late, and I believe you truly did need to be on your own living alone for a couple more years because it's good to get away from the influences and see who you really are when you're on your own.

 

She's been pushy from the get-go. Moving in at six months is really premature.

So she doesn't want kids, but do you?

 

I mean, it's all or nothing with her, but you were right to refuse to go cosign her mortgage. That's just a no. You don't do anything like that until you're married to a person. Even then, you don't marry until you know that they have good sense about spending and all that. Is she fiscally responsible or is she going to run your finances into the ground? Definitely do not mix money with her unless you do marry her.

 

Since she's not having kids, not sure what she's in such a hurry about, but don't do anything you don't feel in your gut is right. But again, hoping to find someone who just wants to play games all day at your age isn't realistic. I would be worrying more about finding someone who had a good upwardly mobil job and was financially independent to some extent. I'm sure she's not happy that you don't want to go to the real-life things she enjoys too, so maybe you are simply not suited for each other.

 

Right, I don't expect her to play video games all day or be into the things I'm interested in to the extent I am. I had a feeling putting that in my original post was going to get singled out.

 

To elaborate a bit: Among other things, I also like to do light hiking, snowboarding, scuba diving, and traveling to places that don't necessarily involve a tropical beach. More or less when I've mentioned those interest to her, she was disinterested in doing almost all of them except maybe the traveling part pending location. To me, that's a bit disheartening that I can't share some of my passions with her.

 

Yes, I did move out late at 30. My dad had passed away when I was 20 and for the most part it was me doing the "head of household" duties helping to pay bills, etc until the relationship between my mom and I was starting to sour because I was still living at home and she was depending on me more and more for things she could do on her own.

 

She is very financially stable. She purchased the apartment we live in 10 years ago. I have no doubt that she is responsible with her money based on how we split the cost of everything.

 

As for her hurry? Mostly self-imposed. To her, marriage is a sign that you "made it" in life. I've tried to wrap my head around it.

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Now, you can't expect women over 21 to be interested in video games and comicon and anime to the extent you are.

 

I’m a 29 years old woman in a relationship with a 30 y.o man who loves video games. Me, not so much. But whenever he plays, I’ll look at him play for 15-20 minutes and ask questions, just to make an effort towards something he likes. The other day, he bought a game and while he was busy killing people in the game, I was looking for clues to help him in his « quest »... it was quite fun and he loved that I took part of it and enjoyed it. We sometimes (not that often) play some games together. So age isn’t really a factor here, I think it’s more about taking in interest in your partners passions or hobbies

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If after 4 years you are still not sure, it is not meant to be.

 

 

For what it's worth my girlfriend is as much of a gamer as me. Makes such a difference being able to play with her, compared to my ex who thought 'games are for kids'.

 

 

You will find someone else better suited to you.

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Happy Lemming
Meanwhile, I'm sitting here thinking to myself that I'm the problem and that there is something wrong with me.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Some people are built for marriage, commitment, and/or living together; some are not.

 

I'm 53 (male), never been married and never will get married. I did make the mistake of living with someone in my youth, but learned my lesson (the hard way) and refuse to live with anyone again.

 

In addition, I'd like to agree with other posters advising you NOT to sign a mortgage with this person.

 

I also don't like the fact that it seems you were bullied into moving in with her. It sounds like you really didn't want to do this, as you stated you felt "trapped". Sign a mortgage with her and you'll truly know the meaning of "trapped".

 

There may be someone out there that makes you feel like you want to live with them and get married, but this woman is not her. And its no big deal if you never want to get married or live with someone. There are women out there that feel the same way. Early in the relationship I told my long term girlfriend I never wanted to get married and she told me she NEVER wanted to get re-married (after a failed marriage). So we are happy & both on the same page.

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Versacehottie

Honestly....i think this has run its course. There's not enough there to build a life on IMO. I'm sorry. I think it's an answer you know deep down inside but you sound pretty agreeable and easy to get along with, which is probably part of how you got to this place with her. There's nothing wrong with you (probably not her either), you just are compatible nor have enough "glue" to keep it going. I think instead of drag it out--as that hurts both of you, you should do one last check in your own thoughts and then cut the cord. Good luck. There's better out there for you. :)

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Take it from an old gal like me who’s been with her guy for almost 30 years....you cannot last for the long haul if you don’t have lots in common and have shared passions. Also you need to be open to new things and bring new interests into the relationship to keep things fresh. You both need to grow together or you will grow apart.

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