How to ask if he's single without being obvious?

[Hopeful30]

Men are very kind to me. They hold doors, they smile, they stare with googly eyes. But they never ask me out, and I'm not sure why.

 

I recognize that it's common for men to assume beautiful or successful women have a partner, so what's an indirect way of asking if they are single? I figure if I ask, they may assume I'm available too. Just looking for a comment to insert into brief conversations to at least increase the chances of being asked out.

 

(FYI: I'm very traditional. I do not chase men. I do not ask men out. I find the concept hilarious lol)

 

Thank you!!

[smackie9]

Just by saying hi and smile should do the trick. Ask how they are doing, etc...pretty basic stuff.

 

 

Just a tip: now that there is this "Me too" movement going around, men think twice about making any moves, for they could be met with some repercussions, especially in a work setting. So women have to step up and show they are open for interaction.

Edited August 7, 2019 by smackie9

[alphamale]

tell the men that their (wife, gf, fwb) dresses them really well...

[MetallicHue]

I agree. I think as you have basic conversation the answers will become apparent (unless someone has something to hide).

[Hopeful30]

tell the men that their (wife, gf, fwb) dresses them really well...

 

Isn't that insulting though? Assuming that the only reason they look good is because a woman dressed them? Wouldn't they get offended?

 

Good idea though!

[Hopeful30]

I agree. I think as you have basic conversation the answers will become apparent (unless someone has something to hide).

 

Most conversations never get that far. I'm talking about a brief discussion about the weather or news while waiting in line at a coffee shop. Or discussing what I need from home depot with one of the cute workers.

 

I'm talking about conversations "on the go" while out and about. I'm quite busy so don't often have the opportunity to just hang out with people for such conversations to develop.

[Johnjohnson2017]

Be friendly. Like Alphamale mentioned, indirectly bring up "girlfriend" in the conversation like "does your girlfriend like that restaurant or that type of food" etc. Then they might respond "Oh I don't have a girlfriend"... or they might say "my girlfriend/wife doesn't like italian food etc"

[smackie9]

Men are very kind to me. They hold doors, they smile, they stare with googly eyes. But they never ask me out, and I'm not sure why.

 

It's possible most are not single...some married/attached men like to find the opportunity to get close / interact with a pretty lady.

 

One thing I know is you don't have to do anything fancy to get a man to ask you out. Just by smiling and chatting with them should be enough. If they don't have the gonads to ask you out....would a beautiful, successful woman lie yourself want to date a guy that has no confidence?

[Hopeful30]

Be friendly. Like Alphamale mentioned, indirectly bring up "girlfriend" in the conversation like "does your girlfriend like that restaurant or that type of food" etc. Then they might respond "Oh I don't have a girlfriend"... or they might say "my girlfriend/wife doesn't like italian food etc"

 

I find that quite obvious lol

[Hopeful30]

would a beautiful, successful woman lie yourself want to date a guy that has no confidence?

 

My answer has always been no. But I've been single for nearly 10 years (few short-term relationships) and I'm changing my answer to "I don't care anymore" lol

[PRW]

But they never ask me out, and I'm not sure why.

I'll come back to that...

 

I recognize that it's common for men to assume beautiful or successful women have a partner, so what's an indirect way of asking if they are single?

You just don't worry about it. If they ask you out for a 1st date you just meetup with them. It is a 1st date, not a marriage, not an abduction, it is not a relationship. But while on that date, then you can ask them "How long have you been single?". Why now?,...because you are on a date with them after they asked you out, so they already implied by offering the date that they were single. So you asking them that is perfectly congruent and expected and should not be awkward in anyway. If they say they are married (or any other answer you don't like) then you just don't go out with them again. Problem solved!

 

(FYI: I'm very traditional. I do not chase men. I do not ask men out. I find the concept hilarious lol)

Traditional is relative. In the 1940-1950's the women chased the men. Just watch any old Cary Grant movie or something similar from that period. Back then the guy was absorbed in his job or his "mission" and was only mildly interested in the woman at first. The woman is the one wondering if he is into her, hand-wringing over it, and she keeps finding ways to put herself into his "orbit". She may not "ask him out",...but somehow she keeps showing up every time he turns around. That IS chasing. Eventually the guy softens up, accepts her, and they live happily ever after.

 

That still works today and is the more biologically accurate way for it to work rather than the socially engineered BS that we hear today and see in all the stupid movies we have now. The guy begins the chase by offering a date. He repeats it a few more times for a 2nd and 3rd time or so. But after a few dates the woman starts to develop feelings for him and she begins to "chase back". Once she does this the guy should back off on chasing just a little bit while the woman increases. By the time they agree to exclusivity it should have leveled off to be more of a cooperative effort between the two. In fact chasing is not even the right word to use at that time because they just simply want to be together and both of them cooperatively find ways to accomplish that.

 

Now back to the first point that I said I'd come back to. Why don't they ask you out? Well for some it may be that they are involved with someone and the way they act toward you is just simply being friendly and respectful.

 

But the other reason could be that they are just insecure and "gutless" around women and are waiting around for the woman to practically ask them out. You do not want these guys. Stay away from them,...it is just a bunch of drama. They need to work on self improvement and get their act together FIRST,...then they can offer dates to women as they should be doing. They need to get their act together so that they can "share their completeness" with the woman,.... rather than have to woman "complete them" which is the BS that many of them believe.

[PRW]

My answer has always been no. But I've been single for nearly 10 years (few short-term relationships) and I'm changing my answer to "I don't care anymore" lol

You'll regret that.

[PRW]

Isn't that insulting though? Assuming that the only reason they look good is because a woman dressed them? Wouldn't they get offended?

No they wouldn't. Not at all. Men (unless they've been feminized) don't give a crap that much about fashion. If you mention that to a guy he would be happy to think that he did such a good job dressing himself that it made you think a woman did it,...and more importantly he would be happy that you liked it.

[Woggle]

Just ask. It's best to be direct with things.

[Hopeful30]

I'll come back to that...

 

You just don't worry about it. If they ask you out for a 1st date you just meetup with them. It is a 1st date, not a marriage, not an abduction, it is not a relationship. But while on that date, then you can ask them "How long have you been single?". Why now?,...because you are on a date with them after they asked you out, so they already implied by offering the date that they were single. So you asking them that is perfectly congruent and expected and should not be awkward in anyway. If they say they are married (or any other answer you don't like) then you just don't go out with them again. Problem solved!

 

Traditional is relative. In the 1940-1950's the women chased the men. Just watch any old Cary Grant movie or something similar from that period. Back then the guy was absorbed in his job or his "mission" and was only mildly interested in the woman at first. The woman is the one wondering if he is into her, hand-wringing over it, and she keeps finding ways to put herself into his "orbit". She may not "ask him out",...but somehow she keeps showing up every time he turns around. That IS chasing. Eventually the guy softens up, accepts her, and they live happily ever after.

 

That still works today and is the more biologically accurate way for it to work rather than the socially engineered BS that we hear today and see in all the stupid movies we have now. The guy begins the chase by offering a date. He repeats it a few more times for a 2nd and 3rd time or so. But after a few dates the woman starts to develop feelings for him and she begins to "chase back". Once she does this the guy should back off on chasing just a little bit while the woman increases. By the time they agree to exclusivity it should have leveled off to be more of a cooperative effort between the two. In fact chasing is not even the right word to use at that time because they just simply want to be together and both of them cooperatively find ways to accomplish that.

 

Now back to the first point that I said I'd come back to. Why don't they ask you out? Well for some it may be that they are involved with someone and the way they act toward you is just simply being friendly and respectful.

 

But the other reason could be that they are just insecure and "gutless" around women and are waiting around for the woman to practically ask them out. You do not want these guys. Stay away from them,...it is just a bunch of drama. They need to work on self improvement and get their act together FIRST,...then they can offer dates to women as they should be doing. They need to get their act together so that they can "share their completeness" with the woman,.... rather than have to woman "complete them" which is the BS that many of them believe.

 

Though your post makes sense, it does not help me. I am aware of the reasons, but this awareness does not help me find a partner. Hence why I am dabbling in 'conversational hinting' to signal availability and openness to being asked out.

 

Not sure why you mentioned first dates? My original post is asking for guidance on how to get those first dates to begin with. The rest is easy peasy (at least for me). It's getting the foot in the door that has always seemed to be elusive.

 

No they wouldn't. Not at all. Men (unless they've been feminized) don't give a crap that much about fashion. If you mention that to a guy he would be happy to think that he did such a good job dressing himself that it made you think a woman did it,...and more importantly he would be happy that you liked it.

 

That's helpful, thank you!

 

Just ask. It's best to be direct with things.

 

Are you sure? I've been direct before and have been accused of being desperate, pushy or 'too up front' that it scares men off. Not my problem of course, but when you're the minority (a direct woman) amongst a majority (insecure men), the logical thing to do (to find a partner) is adjust accordingly. Otherwise I'll be single until I die lol

 

Of course, I prefer a man who is on my level (secure in various respects, kind, confident, TALL PLEASE lol) but after being single for so long while holding onto these values, my patience is growing thin. When a particular approach is unsuccessful, it's time to consider alternative approaches.

Edited August 7, 2019 by Hopeful30

[Woggle]

No matter what you do somebody won't agree with it so stop worrying so much. Being natural actually attracts guys the most.

[PRW]

Though your post makes sense, it does not help me.

Yes it does. You asked how to know if they are single. I said "Don't worry about it". If they offered you a date then they just implied they are single. You can ask about "details" of the singleness while on the date.

 

If they aren't offering you dates,...that is a completely separate issue.

 

Not sure why you mentioned first dates? My original post is asking for guidance on how to get those first dates to begin with.

You get a date when the guy offers one. For that to happen:

 

1. The guy has to have the guts and confidence to offer a date (if he doesn't, then forget about him).
   
2. You have to show signs that you are interested in him. Guys who know what they are doing look for that first before they offer the date. If you act uninterested (example: "I never chase guys"),...then they will treat you like you are uninterested in them, and go after the woman who does.
   

I've been direct before and have been accused of being desperate, pushy or 'too up front' that it scares men off.

That doesn't mean the accuser knows what they are talking about. Don't get caught in a blind leading the blind situation.

 

Not my problem of course, but when you're the minority (a direct woman) amongst a majority (insecure men), the logical thing to do (to find a partner) is adjust accordingly.

No.

Being direct is fine, as long as you are balanced about it (although finding balance may take practice). If the insecure guys "balk" at it then you succeeded in revealing the insecure guys so that you can avoid them,...and that is a good thing. The solid guys won't have a problem with your directness as long as it is balanced and not too "over the top". Make sure you don't come across as the "Alpha Chick" because the good men will avoid you like the plague,...by contrast the insecure Betas will flock to you like birds because you represent someone that will tell them what to do and be their new "mommy".

 

Of course, I prefer a man who is on my level (secure in various respects, kind, confident, TALL PLEASE lol)

Get off the "tall" kick. Only 12% of the male population is over 6 foot tall. It would be silly to restrict your dating pool to only 12% of the men out there. Secure, kind, & confident is fine, stick with that.

 

but after being single for so long while holding onto these values, my patience is growing thin. When a particular approach is unsuccessful, it's time to consider alternative approaches.

Adjusting your approach is fine,...changing your target "type" is not good at all. That would be the fast-track to a divorce if you ever married one. Edited August 7, 2019 by PRW

[Hopeful30]

 

Get off the "tall" kick. Only 12% of the male population is over 6 foot tall. It would be silly to restrict your dating pool to only 12% of the men out there.

 

Do you mean American men? Various Scandinavian and Slavic countries are full of men above 6 feet. I am almost 6 feet myself. I have dated both taller and shorter men. I feel more like a woman next to the tall man, and less like a woman when the shorter man asks me to reach something on a high shelf for him...

 

Bending down to kiss your man isn't exactly arousing either lol like kissing my little bro when he was growing up

[alphamale]

Isn't that insulting though? Assuming that the only reason they look good is because a woman dressed them? Wouldn't they get offended?

 

Good idea though!

 

it's not insulting and no, they won't get offended. use this trick on men who are decently dressed, however. most guys will give you a honest answer

[PRW]

Scandinavian and Slavic countries are full of men above 6 feet.

If you live there then this isn't even an issue anyway. Your challenge is to find a guy that isn't mushy milk toast.

I gave you plenty to think about in my posts without getting hung up on "short guys".

[d0nnivain]

Hopeful30

 

You were advised to drop the word "GF" or "wife" into the conversation but you said you find that "too obvious."

 

You are entitled to your opinion & obviously you can run your life anyway you like but that answer tells me you have been single for so long because you are doing something to hide your light under a bushel. Men don't ask you out because they don't know that they can.

 

You have to assume the person you have your eye on is clueless / so hung up on their own insecurities they are missing you being subtle. I've told this story on here before. I was at a singles mixer. I met a nice man & we were talking about his business needs. I own a company that does what he needed. I thought I was flirting my tail off & being brazenly forward throughout our entire interaction. As I was leaving I handed him my business card & cheekily told him that if he called me about his problem, I'd be happy to help but I'd be happier if he called me for personal rather than professional reasons. He did call but on our 2nd (& last) date he confessed that until I said that he had no idea I was interested. I was dumbfounded because I felt like I was behaving like some floozy.

 

It's OK to be obvious. Try it & see if your luck changes. What you have been doing isn't working so it's time for a change.

[Hopeful30]

Hopeful30

 

You were advised to drop the word "GF" or "wife" into the conversation but you said you find that "too obvious."

 

You are entitled to your opinion & obviously you can run your life anyway you like but that answer tells me you have been single for so long because you are doing something to hide your light under a bushel. Men don't ask you out because they don't know that they can.

 

You have to assume the person you have your eye on is clueless / so hung up on their own insecurities they are missing you being subtle. I've told this story on here before. I was at a singles mixer. I met a nice man & we were talking about his business needs. I own a company that does what he needed. I thought I was flirting my tail off & being brazenly forward throughout our entire interaction. As I was leaving I handed him my business card & cheekily told him that if he called me about his problem, I'd be happy to help but I'd be happier if he called me for personal rather than professional reasons. He did call but on our 2nd (& last) date he confessed that until I said that he had no idea I was interested. I was dumbfounded because I felt like I was behaving like some floozy.

 

It's OK to be obvious. Try it & see if your luck changes. What you have been doing isn't working so it's time for a change.

 

Really? HA! That's hilarious

 

I suppose the next step is to get over my 'not wanting to be obvious' and just be direct. Maybe you're right, subtly is not evident enough. It's too bad because I love subtleties lol

 

If I may ask, d0nnivain, how do find the assertiveness to be so direct? I find it off-putting as a quality in general, so I suppose the next step would be working past this feeling to apply it (and hopefully get asked out more!)

 

Thanks for your post I appreciate the honesty.

[preraph]

"Do you and your family have plans for Memorial Day weekend?" "Did you and your family get to go on vacation this year?"

 

He should answer in some way that you know something. Like, "Yes, we took the kids to Disney World" or "Oh, I'm not married, but I think me and some friends are going to the lake."

[alphamale]

"Do you and your family have plans for Memorial Day weekend?" "Did you and your family get to go on vacation this year?"

 

He should answer in some way that you know something. Like, "Yes, we took the kids to Disney World" or "Oh, I'm not married, but I think me and some friends are going to the lake."

 

[Hopeful30]

"do you and your family have plans for memorial day weekend?" "did you and your family get to go on vacation this year?"

 

he should answer in some way that you know something. Like, "yes, we took the kids to disney world" or "oh, i'm not married, but i think me and some friends are going to the lake."

 

i love this!!! Thank you!!! :D:D