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exclusive but still on dating app


YourCupOfTea

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YourCupOfTea

Hi there,

 

I've been dating a guy and we decided to be exclusive a week ago. Yesterday I was deleting my dating app (which i havent been using) and I noticed that he was still online on it. I was really pissed off and I'm actually ready to call it quites, but my friends told me to talk about it.

But what kind of misunderstanding could there be? Not dating other people also means for me not going online anymore to look for dates or keeping options open. I don't think its a very trustworthy thing to do, and i'm doubting he is a match for me.

Since it has only been a week since we had the conversation I'm still a little bit in doubt on what to do. The thought crossed my mind that he might be online to delete it as well, or maybe it was a last ego boost or something. What do you guys think?

Edited by YourCupOfTea
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Don't be too hasty because you don't know anything yet. He may not have gotten around to deleting it yet. You took a week of exclusivity before you deleted yours. Just tell him casually that you have deleted yours and ask if he has deleted his. Don't jump to conclusions before you know all the facts.

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YourCupOfTea

It said "online today" on the app, so I know he was still active at that moment. I havent been online on it since exclusivity.

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It said "online today" on the app, so I know he was still active at that moment. I havent been online on it since exclusivity.

 

Only he can answer your questions so you really need to talk to him about it.

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lana-banana

I don't think this has to be super awkward. At some point you can say something like "I'm so glad to be done with dating apps, it felt great to delete Tinder" or whatever. He might say "oops, right" and whip out his phone to delete it right then and there. If he's like "yeah, me too" and you find out later he hasn't deleted it, then that's a problem. But cut him some slack. After all, you just deleted it yesterday.

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YourCupOfTea

The fact that he has not deleted it doesn't bother me as much as the fact that he was "online a few hours ago" when I was deleting it. If he just wassen't checking it but it was still on his phone it wouldnt have been such problem for me.

 

But yeah you guys are right. I should talk about it.

 

I just really feel that he is too hesitant to exclude his other options.... and that hits an insecurity in me. I feel like he doesn't take me seriously since he is still loggin on a week after I talked to him about it. I brought up the conversation cause a friend of mine matched with him, and i told him i didn't like that. I hate asking twice in such a matter. I feel like if it is such a effort for him to get off it maybe there is just not enough connection.

Edited by YourCupOfTea
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thefooloftheyear

Talk to him about it just the way LanaBanana said...Then it doesn't have to be awkward or anything...And you will have an answer as to where his head is at..

 

TFY

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It said "online today" on the app, so I know he was still active at that moment. I havent been online on it since exclusivity.

 

Those always crack me up. Did it ever occur to you that he was on it watching your profile and wondering the same thing about you??? Why hasn't she taken it down?

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Don't talk to him about it. It will create problems. You call it communications. But he will feel you were spying and now you are accusing and blaming. He would be kind of right too. You didn't just log on and go directly to deleting your account. You looked at when he was last online. You are upset with him, so it will be an accusation. That's why you need to think twice before you "communicate".

 

I suggest you allow a sort of grace period. If he had been chatting with other women, I'd rather be with the type of guy who'd send a goodbye message instead of just disappearing. Give him a little leeway to settle into exclusivity.

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Don't talk to him about it. It will create problems. You call it communications. But he will feel you were spying and now you are accusing and blaming. He would be kind of right too. You didn't just log on and go directly to deleting your account. You looked at when he was last online. You are upset with him, so it will be an accusation. That's why you need to think twice before you "communicate".

 

I suggest you allow a sort of grace period. If he had been chatting with other women, I'd rather be with the type of guy who'd send a goodbye message instead of just disappearing. Give him a little leeway to settle into exclusivity.

 

It wouldn't be an accusation if she casually told him she has deleted her account and casually ask if he has deleted his. Suggesting that two people have no communication in a relationship isn't the best advice. Communication is key.

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Just as an FYI, any time I have had the exclusive talk with a woman it was really easy to just go ahead and share what the "wind down" process is. It basically sounds a little like:

 

1. I'll take my profile down by X time/date. I'll let you know when it is down.

 

2. I'm reaching out to X, Y and Z via text or phone to let them know that I'm ending things because I am going exclusive with you. I'll let know know when I have closure with each.

 

3. I'll let you know if any past flames get in contact with me in the future. And I will relay what they said/show you the message if you want.

 

It is really simple. And it leaves no room for stuff like what is going on with you, OP.

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Beendaredonedat
It said "online today" on the app, so I know he was still active at that moment. I havent been online on it since exclusivity.

 

Don't go by that. They keep that status that way for at least a few days because they want it to appear that they are having more activity.

 

You should ask him if he's ready to delete his profile since you have agreed to be exclusive. You can tell him that you can delete at same time or tell him you have deleted yours if you actually went ahead and did it after finding out he hasn't.

 

Not talking about it because you fear it will chase him off or make YOU look some way or another is giving him all of your power and that is not a good way to conduct yourself if you actually want a relationship to last. Communication and knowing that you are (or are not) on the same page is extremely important in the beginning.

Edited by Beendaredonedat
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It's a simple conversation.

 

You say you were on there deleting the app & you noticed he was still showing as being active. You ask if he was reconsidering the exclusive part of your relationship. You don't accuse. You don't attack. You ask a Q.

 

If you don't like the answer, then you decide what it's best for you to do next.

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YourCupOfTea
It's a simple conversation.

 

You say you were on there deleting the app & you noticed he was still showing as being active. You ask if he was reconsidering the exclusive part of your relationship. You don't accuse. You don't attack. You ask a Q.

 

If you don't like the answer, then you decide what it's best for you to do next.

 

I called him on my break and went about it this way. We talked it over. He said that he was still finishing up some conversations and was going to delete it.

I feel okay with it now and deleted mine, and Im choosing to trust him on this matter.

 

Insecurity got the better of my after seeing him online.. but honest communication, and flat out saying if something bugs me always works better then overthinking... thanks you guys.

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I'm glad you talked to him. However his explanation leaves me speechless;

 

He said that he was still finishing up some conversations and was going to delete it. .

 

What? That is insane. When he 1st started talking to you he should have been wrapping up those other conversations or ghosting these other women. It doesn't take a week to tell a few people he found somebody to date & is logging off.

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Versacehottie
It said "online today" on the app, so I know he was still active at that moment. I havent been online on it since exclusivity.

 

Though yours too would have said "online today" when you were on there deleting. Just to be fair.

 

I think chances are he was still dabbling but I think you should do what maddie said. I mean it is definitely possible that he was on there doing exactly what you were doing--and maybe that's the non-confrontational way to bring it up lightly.

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It wouldn't be an accusation if she casually told him she has deleted her account and casually ask if he has deleted his. Suggesting that two people have no communication in a relationship isn't the best advice. Communication is key.

 

Yes but my instinctive idea of what Communication means is that it is telling the truth. The truth: "I was online to delete my profile and saw that you were still active online. I am really pissed off and thought about calling it quits." I don't think she should say that.

 

I have no problem with your suggestion to casually ask if he has deleted his account, but only do it at a later time, when she honestly doesn't know the answer. Asking it now, is not what I consider communication about yesterday's incident, because she'd be pretending she doesn't know what she knows and not communicating how pissed off she is.

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OatsAndHall

The polite adult in me is thinking "Well, he did need to be courteous and tell other women that he was seeing someone exclusively."

 

 

The frequent OLD user in me is thinking "He's not ghosting those women because he wants Plans A, B and C."

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Yes but my instinctive idea of what Communication means is that it is telling the truth. The truth: "I was online to delete my profile and saw that you were still active online. I am really pissed off and thought about calling it quits." I don't think she should say that.

 

I have no problem with your suggestion to casually ask if he has deleted his account, but only do it at a later time, when she honestly doesn't know the answer. Asking it now, is not what I consider communication about yesterday's incident, because she'd be pretending she doesn't know what she knows and not communicating how pissed off she is.

 

Aj I see what you're saying now. Yeah that makes sense.

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Michelle ma Belle
Outsiders view based on similar experience: RED FLAG.

 

I will second this.

 

I'm am eternal optimist but having done the OLD thing for a while, this scenario seems a bit shady to me.

 

If he's chosen YOU, there would be no reason to finish anything else with anyone else. He shouldn't have been having serious conversations with anyone else if he was invested in you in the first place. At that point, why does he care what the other women think if he just disappears? He chose to be exclusive so the others don't matter...or at least they shouldn't, right??

 

I agree, it sounds like he's keeping his options open. If I were a betting (wo)man, I would bet that he's given his number out and hoping to carrying on conversation(s) offline.

 

If I were you, I'd not get too comfortable just yet and watch for any odd behavior regarding his phone and social media usage.

 

It's sad that this has to be the case but that's how things seem to roll these days.

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Beendaredonedat
I called him on my break and went about it this way. We talked it over. He said that he was still finishing up some conversations and was going to delete it.

I feel okay with it now and deleted mine, and Im choosing to trust him on this matter.

 

Insecurity got the better of my after seeing him online.. but honest communication, and flat out saying if something bugs me always works better then overthinking... thanks you guys.

Good... time to leave your thread now before you get anxious about some of the replies.

 

Just keep your eyes open and if you see any red flags or suspect behaviour THEN you can be anxious. Until then, enjoy and keep being optimistic that he means it when he says he's wanting exclusivity with you.

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