She says she is not ready to date

[Bwhat]

Does anyone have any experience with healing from divorce and being ready to date again? I mean, has anyone ever told you (or you told someone) they/you werent ready and then later came back when they/you were ready. I am looking for timeframes etc. I know we are all different but I'd like some perspective anyway. And also some pointers on how to approach the situation from now on.

 

If you are planning on replying with answers such as "move on", "she is playing you" etc., spare yourself the trouble. Lets just for a minute pretend that she is genuine and honest. Ok, here we go.

 

I was recently on a couple of dates with a co-worker (we work in the same building but don't nessesarily bump into each other daily). Both dates went extremely well and we seemed to hit it off. A couple of days after the second date we met for coffee and it was clear to me that she wasn't ready for any sort of relationship. She was still struggling with the aftermath of her divorce. We agreed to take it slow and arranged a third date a couple of weeks later. We had some minor text exchanges over the next couple of days but suddenly she texted me that she wasn't ready to date as she hadn't healed from her divorce and needed to find peace within herself first. She was sad to ruin her chances with me as she likes me a lot, but was convinced that she would eventually ruin it for us anyway, had we continued dating without her being comfortable in her own skin first.

 

A little background: She was divorced appx 18 months ago when her exh left her for another woman. She has two young kids and has them 12 out of 14 days. Her exh doesn't seem to care much for them, and that is a constant struggle for her (and the kids too). Being more or less the only parent to them takes a toll on her. She had hoped he would eventually play a larger part of their lives but he is now moving even further away, and that clearly has thrown her off base.

 

The first time we "met" was appx a year ago. We both knew each other from work off course, but one evening at a social event, we had a lot of fun and meaningful (deep) conversations. She was a mess back then, so I decided not to pursue anything, as I had no interest in being a rebound. Three months later at another social event, it was clear to me that we were attracted to each other. Unfortunately she told me that night, that she was seing someone else, so I backed off immediately.

 

A month ago, at a party at work, she approached me and told me that she had dumped the other guy, partially because of me. And that led to the above mentioned dating. (she told me on the second date who the other guy was. It was actually one of my close friends from work, but neither of them ever told anyone that they were (secretly) seing each other. I don't know for how long that went on, but it must be appx 6-8 months). She is still seing a therapist which is one of the (multible) reasons that I believe her when she tells me she is struggling.

[ExpatInItaly]

My best friend dated a man fresh out of a divorce, many years ago now. His wife had left him for someone else too, and he was (and still is) also a co-worker.

 

There was a lot of back-and-forth, with this man clearly not being ready to date but not wanting to be totally alone either. I think it maybe lasted 3 or 4 months, if memory serves me correctly. He finally called it off altogether, for the same reasons your lady cited.

 

My bestie was hurt, but dusted herself off. Fast forward several months, he actually started dating a different coworker. My friend was upset but not totally surprised. She eventually moved on, too. She is married now to someone else, and her ex has been with the other co-worker ever since. No hard feelings anymore. They're fine to see each other at work and social functions, and have been for years.

 

My point? We can't begin to guess how long it will take for this woman to be ready, OP. It might be months. A year. But the biggest issue is that when she is ready, it doesn't necessarily mean she will come looking for you.

[PegNosePete]

I would bet my bottom dollar that if she met Mr Right, she would magically be ready to date instantaneously.

 

When they say they are "not ready to date", what it really means is they don't want to date you, but don't want to cause upset by giving an honest answer, so they blame themselves. It's the age old "it's not you, it's me".

[Maddie82]

There are no time frames on when a person will be ready to date because like you said everyone is different. It has only been 18 months since her divorce and she has been through a major ordeal by the sounds of it. She got hurt pretty badly so its probably very hard for her to trust anyone again. She's bound to get scared when she really starts to like someone and that's only natural. She's also a single mother so that's overwhelming in itself. I'm not going to tell you to move on but i would like to suggest that you offer to be her friend if she doesn't want anything mote than that. Offer to be there for her if she ever needs to talk.

[basil67]

I've known a few girls who 'weren't ready to date'. They started dating again when they found Mr Right. That said, this woman sounds like she really isn't ready to date. Jus how long are you prepared to wait on the sidelines?

[beentheredonethat77]

Ive been that post-divorce person 'not ready to date'... like the above posters said, if its Mr right/ a great catch for us (and we tend to know what we like after coming out of what we dont like) -- then we are suddenly ready to date.

 

I did tell men i wasn't ready to date 'due to my divorce' when it was for other reasons i couldn't tell them/didn't want to hurt them. Even if we dont feel ready to get serious again, we dont let go of someone who is potentially amazing for the future, we would take it slow if necessary but not end it -- Thats my humble opinion.

[Maddie82]

I've known a few girls who 'weren't ready to date'. They started dating again when they found Mr Right. That said, this woman sounds like she really isn't ready to date. Jus how long are you prepared to wait on the sidelines?

 

But where these girls all left by their husbands for another woman? Left to raise 2 young kids alone?

[elaine567]

Yes she is in a bit of a mess, but I feel she just doesn't want to date you.

 

She was obviously ready enough to date your close friend secretly for 6-8 months and no doubt when some other guy she is interested in shows up she will be ready to date him too.

 

Give up is my advice.

Find someone with less baggage and more interest in you.

[BaileyB]

When I first met my boyfriend, he was signing the papers of his divorce. They had been separated for two years, so I took this and the fact that he wanted to date again as a good sign that he was ready for a new relationship. What I didn’t know - the marriage was very bad and there were LOTS of issues to deal with related to finances, his ex-wife and their child.

 

He knew he liked me very much, but he told me about three months in that he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship (and he didn’t know when he would be ready again).

 

We said goodbye. I dated others, I travelled, I bought a new house...

 

And, about a month after I moved into the new house he sent me an email. It was a year and a half after we said goodbye. He said, he had started to date again and although he met some very nice women, he was always thinking about me... We have been together for three years now and we just made the decision to move in together and build our own home.

 

The moral of the story - if someone tells you they are not ready, believe them. You want to be with someone who is a happy, healthy partner for you. But, if it’s meant to be... I believe it will be. Good luck to you.

[schlumpy]

You seem to be looking for a serious relationship and it's quite possible that she does not at this time want that. When she picked up the long term vibes from you she decided to bail and used her divorce as the excuse.

 

It wouldn't surprise me to discover she is dating others on a more casual basis.

 

 

Best Wishes

[Lotsgoingon]

I have never heard of someone saying "I'm not ready" ... who then comes back to the person they said it to ... to date successfully.

 

I'm sure this must occur. I have never heard of it.

 

What I HAVE heard is two people meeting ... maybe one is dating someone else and the other is going through a transition or healing ... There is a spark but neither is "ready" to date the other ... So despite the spark nothing happens. And then two years later or whatever, I've heard stories of people getting together.

 

But telling someone you're not ready ... It's sorta a contradiction ... the person you are right now isn't ready to date ... but let's say you do heal ... that's a new person ... and there's no guarantee that person will want to date the person they were interested in when they were healing.

 

Best to go out and date and meet people ... and if something later occurs between you and her, let that organically emerge. Waiting for her healing, planning on it ... is almost a surefire way of making yourself miserable and undermining future possibilities.

[smackie9]

When they say they are not ready to date...they are not into dating you. If she truly wasn't ready to date, she would never have gone out with you in the first place. It's just one of those excuses people will use to soften the blow of rejection. For her it's a convenient excuse. I bet money on it, if she met someone right now that bedazzled her interest she'd be very ready to date again.

[stillafool]

People who are not ready to date do not stay in a relationship 6-8 months. She was into your co-worker and probably what happened between them is still on her mind. Also she could still be in love with her husband and that's why she and the coworker ended. If she accepted a relationship with him but not with you it's because she isn't feeling you that way. Sorry.

[BaileyB]

I have never heard of someone saying "I'm not ready" ... who then comes back to the person they said it to ... to date successfully.

 

I'm sure this must occur. I have never heard of it..

 

You must not have read my post above...

[BaileyB]

People who are not ready to date do not stay in a relationship 6-8 months.

 

I would agree with this.

 

She has been so hot and cold, and with the influence of another person, it seems to me that she doesn’t know what she wants. I would stay clear and let her sort her stuff out.

Edited August 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She has a lot on her plate. She may just not want to date. Period. It's just one more responsbility and relationship to maintain/person to take care of and who is taking care of her? I'm not implying you can't take care of yourself . But relationships come with the responsibility/obligation to be a good partner, and that means being available to the other person....but....as I said, she has a lot on her plate so maybe just believe her.

[newyorker11356]

She has a lot on her plate. She may just not want to date. Period. It's just one more responsbility and relationship to maintain/person to take care of and who is taking care of her? I'm not implying you can't take care of yourself . But relationships come with the responsibility/obligation to be a good partner, and that means being available to the other person....but....as I said, she has a lot on her plate so maybe just believe her.

 

It can be true, but a lot of the time, it's simply used as an excuse.

[Marc878]

Sounds like she's trying to let you down easy.

 

Stay away. Cut off the contact.

 

If it was great for her you wouldn't be getting this. Don't make the mistake of projecting your feelings onto her. She's not feeling it.

[Bwhat]

Thanks for all the replies. Much appreciated.

 

It seems that the correct thing to do here no matter if she was genuine or if it was cop out, is to leave her be. Which is also what I did.

[TheFinalWord]

When someone says this, your best chance is to respect their request. Not be pushy at all and just mirror what they do. If the reach out and text, you match that level exactly. Don't gush your emotions or anything like that or you'll scare them away.

 

Timeframe depends on how bad the last relationship was, how it ended, if they carry baggage around, if they hold grudges, what else is going on their life.

 

For example, if they are divorced with kids and holding down 2 jobs, they probably don't want anything serious until they get on their feet.

 

If it's a single girl that broke up with a boyfriend she had been dating for a year, she probably just needs a few months.

 

The answer varies wildly.

 

All you can do is stay in touch, but keep it light, and don't bring up anything about dating.

 

Personally, I don't stick around with this situation anymore because there are so many people that are emotionally available and ready to date. With these types of women, yeah, you might be able to date them, but you're going to have to hijack her emotions, subtly. You'll basically have to trick her into wanting you and then she'll have to bring it up because she has feelings for you. The problem is she still isn't healed from her past even if you can get her to catch feelings, so you'll basically be dating the ghost of her ex. Not fun and not worth it in my opinion.

[mortensorchid]

The situation is bad all around for a variety of reasons:

 

1) Coworkers - Coworkers ARE NOT FRIENDS. It's easy for you to think that they are because you spend more time with them than you will with anyone else. They are coworkers, you are there to do a job and nothing else. Be friendly, not too friendly with them. You broke a certain rule by seeing one outside of the office, let alone dating one.

 

2) Divorce - Divorce is horrible. I've never been married but I have seen on the outside what it does to people and those around them. Some people need time to heal, to be sure, but look at what happens to those people once the "healing" has done it's job: That person either jumps from one relationship to another to another, or that person is never with anyone ever again.

 

3) The Truth - When someone says "I am not ready", "I can't be with you now", etc., believe them. They are saying they don't want to be with you, but they want to be with someone else. That someone else could be their ex spouse or someone waiting in the wings or someone on the side from you. It's not easy to accept, but you have no choice in the matter.