Logo Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 If you told someone that you don't multidate, they could interpret that as you trying to lock them down. Could they not? In turn, they could also interpret that as you being desperate. Does it matter at what phase of the dating process you say that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 Don't mention that you aren't unless you've been dating someone long enough to ask them to be exclusively dating you. Saying you're not is out of place when there's no reason why you shouldn't be multidating. It's not way to try to get someone to also not multidate. Wait until the appropriate time and then ask them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 Timing is everything. Whether you are or you are not multi-dating don't talk about it initially. Let the other person assume that you are doing whatever they are doing. Whether you are multi-dating or not, assume the other person is so you don't get hurt. When you are ready to "lock them down" & you are ready to have a conversation about exclusivity then you have a formal, deliberate conversation about where you both stand with each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 I agree with your assessment that if done prematurely or out of the blue, the person is going to think you are desperate, weird/possessive, tendency toward jealousy or trying to lock them down. I think rather than do it in a "statement", it's much better to organically and genuinely see where you stand with someone based on how often you see them or to speed up the pace so that it would be a normal conclusion to be exclusive and the statement you say at that point would already be reflected in the way you interact and spend time together. Otherwise, I think what you choose do and what the other person does might be different and until you are exclusively dating or ready for that, the real reason a person would bring it up to impose what you do onto them. So proceed with caution if that's where you are heading. IMO, don't do it until you are ready to be an exclusive couple. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 If you told someone that you don't multidate, they could interpret that as you trying to lock them down. Could they not? In turn, they could also interpret that as you being desperate. It doesn't really have to even come up in a conversation in the first place. It is like asking "Should I tell her I drink a glass of orange juice in the morning? What will she think of me if she knows I drink that instead of coffee? Should I just lie and say I drink coffee or should I tell her the truth about the orange juice?" In the end this idea just shows that someone is not secure at all and is just hand-wringing over what someone else is going to think about how they live their life, and worse, wanting to modify or fake how they live their life out of fear of what some "dating prospect" (that probably isn't even worth their time) is going to think. Multi-dating shouldn't even be a "word" any more than Multi-drinking should be a "word" if you drink two glasses of orange juice in the morning instead of just one. I can't wait till we start on Multi-friending,...people who have more than one friend at the same time without waiting for one friendship to be ended first. Now give me a moment to claw my way back on to solid ground from the cliff of analogies,...scratch, scratch, grunt, grunt. There,...now,.. In real life if anyone asks me about this in the round-about way that people do, I tell them this: (and yes I have actually said this nearly verbatim to more than one person), "If we are not actually BF/GF [yet] and I go out with you on a Friday night and you happen to also want to go out with a different guy two nights later on Sunday night, then knock yourself out. I have no issue with that. In fact I welcome the competition. The competition just makes me work harder to be my best. If the other guy wins in the end then kudos to him, he earned it." I have gotten reactions of surprise, reactions of relief, and reactions of gratitude,...but have never gotten a truly negative response. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted July 26, 2019 Author Share Posted July 26, 2019 What if I'm pretty sure the other person is not multidating? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 In my case, the man has always brought it up. Usually around date 3, they ask if I'd like to agree to stop seeing others, delete our dating profiles, be exclusive, etc. The men I like and I are pretty selective in the first place, serious and focused on building a strong future, so if there's a first date, we already know all the essentials are in place and there's promise. It's always been a positive transition in a relationship and I love men who know what they want and go after it. It's a motivator and a turn-on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 What if I'm pretty sure the other person is not multidating? Logo did you not read pregraph, donnivain, Versace, and prws response to your original post? It does not matter. No need to bring it up unless your ready to be in an exclusive bf/gf relationship with the person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 What if I'm pretty sure the other person is not multidating? Then why ask? It's out of place. It's not time. You're looking for some sort of guarantee without having the guts to follow the steps to build a relationship. Just because a woman might say "I'm not dating anyone else right now" doesn't mean she won't tomorrow anyway, so it's a useless conversation unless you have built a relationship with the person and tested over some time. And it reeks of desperation and insecurity. This is how you will blow it. She will think, Man, I barely know that guy and he's already awfully possessive and making assumptions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 What if I'm pretty sure the other person is not multidating? Maybe you are going about this backward....what is it that you 'want' from the other person by telling them? If you are pretty sure the other person is not mulit-dating, and it matches your philosophy about dating, there is no need to say anything--unless your purpose is to lay things on the table to say "let's be exclusive, you and i". If you are not ready to live that, but appreciate that she shares your approach, just feel reassured or whatever has caused you to live by that approach but say nothing. If you have the smidgen of belief that she does not live her life this way, and you would only be saying it to elicit a response to find out where you stand, get her to commit to no competition even though you are not ready to be exclusive, my suggestion would be not to say anything. All i can take from the somewhat cryptic questioning is that you are ready to ask her to date you and you alone. Please do that then. Especially if you are the guy (which I think you are). If you are looking for a medal or want to bond over that fact though there is no real meaning or purpose behind it, don't say anything....until there is a legit intention behind asking the question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 If you told someone that you don't multidate, they could interpret that as you trying to lock them down. Could they not? In turn, they could also interpret that as you being desperate. Does it matter at what phase of the dating process you say that? TBH I don't think there is a time you need to tell them unless you become exclusive. I used to not believe in multi dating until I got burned a couple times. These guys would tell me how they wanted a relationship, would lead me on, then dump me. When dating I was always clear that I wanted a relationship, but I didn't owe anything to them until we were exclusive. If we dated for a few weeks and I felt a total connection, I stopped talking to all other guys. Only a few dates in? They didn't need to know I was talking to other guys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 It's always been a positive transition in a relationship and I love men who know what they want and go after it. It's a motivator and a turn-on. unfortunately RS, it's also a motivator and turn on for most other women (and he knows it) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 unfortunately RS, it's also a motivator and turn on for most other women (and he knows it) In my case they always followed through with a genuine effort to get closer and merge lives. I think my BS detector is pretty good. I've never felt duped or misled by a romantic partner. In my experience, whether a man is serious or not, he makes it very clear which he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 You're jumping way ahead ... and getting wildly off track. What you asking is the equivalent of "when do I have to tell my bosses that I want to be CEO of the company?" ... That's a useless question, completely irrelevant. Your time at the company, your success with getting promotion and performing well and making contacts and building credibility--that is what will lead to becoming CEO. Let the relationship emerge. When the time comes, you officially go exclusive. It can be quite needy and can undermine yourself to declare "I don't multi-date." Translation: I'm totally available for you ... and I'll be your push-over because I'm committing to you before I know you're worth committing to. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 It is risky because it can put a lot of pressure on the other person. However... This is how I did it with my soulmate. On our third date I had just told her that I was pulling my profile down because I didn't want to be distracted by anyone else. I told her that this was a decision I was making for myself and that I had no expectations that she would do likewise. The way I described it was that dating was like blowing bubbles. Sometimes they're small and a lot of them. Sometimes they are lopsided and malformed. Sometimes they don't even form and pop on the stick. But every once in a while you blow a big fantastic beautiful bubble. It just hangs there, shimmering in front of you. What do you do? Do you keep blowing bubbles? No. You set down the stick and enjoy the bubble perfection you just found. You don't know if it will pop the next second or just hang there in eternity. But you stop blowing bubbles and enjoy it and only it. Worked for me! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 The way I described it was that dating was like blowing bubbles. Sometimes they're small and a lot of them. Sometimes they are lopsided and malformed. Sometimes they don't even form and pop on the stick. But every once in a while you blow a big fantastic beautiful bubble. It just hangs there, shimmering in front of you. What do you do? Do you keep blowing bubbles? No. You set down the stick and enjoy the bubble perfection you just found. You don't know if it will pop the next second or just hang there in eternity. But you stop blowing bubbles and enjoy it and only it. Worked for me! Cute Yes, and declaring the desire to focus on each other is like seeing that big shiny bubble and going "oooooo". That's the good stuff! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted July 28, 2019 Author Share Posted July 28, 2019 My initial thought process was to share my dating style because I don't like games. But allowing things to flow naturally might be a good idea since I usually don't like making grand declarations when none are needed. I'm sure the time will come, but there is no need to force things to move forward at a different pace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JEG88 Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 No need to mention multi-dating until you have a talk about exclusivity. Just muddies the waters and indicates desperation, and puts undue pressure on the woman to rush a decision which more often than not means she'll write you off. Up until exclusivity discussions, you should be assuming anyone you date - especially OLD - is multi-dating. Helps to temper expectations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 What if I'm pretty sure the other person is not multidating?It is not relevant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 In my case, the man has always brought it up. Usually around date 3, they ask if I'd like to agree to stop seeing others, delete our dating profiles, be exclusive, etc.3rd date is waaayyy too soon for that, and it should be brought up by the woman anyway, not the guy. A guy who does this after the 3rd date is just fearful and insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 3rd date is waaayyy too soon for that, and it should be brought up by the woman anyway, not the guy. . Should? Why is that? Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 (edited) Quote: Originally Posted by PRW 3rd date is waaayyy too soon for that, and it should be brought up by the woman anyway, not the guy. . Should? Why is that?You've seen me explain that plenty of times in the year of so I've been around here I don't want to chase a bunch of rabbits in this thread. Edited July 28, 2019 by PRW Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 Lol I too don’t really understand why he says a woman should do it first either Besides the fact that it works in a mans best interest in a way that it works in a woman’s best interest. Which I totally understand. I just find it laughable to give that advice to women when it’s about the mans best interest though lmao. I totally understand giving that advice to other men. But to give that advice to women I would side eye it and then laugh. I don’t remember ever reading compelling reasons why I as a woman should be initiating that conversation when I never had to before and how exactly is that suppose to be in my best interest. I imagine when me letting men intiate that conversation stops working I might be tempted to start throwing myself at men but today is just not that day 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 Don't say it. It's your personal choice to date how you want to date but I wouldn't think it would matter to the people you date. Personally, I don't care if someone is dating others and I assume he is-- until we get to the point that he wants to have sex or he wants to be exclusive. Link to post Share on other sites
newyorker11356 Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 3rd date is waaayyy too soon for that, and it should be brought up by the woman anyway, not the guy. A guy who does this after the 3rd date is just fearful and insecure. Maybe, maybe not. It ultimately depends on the two people involved. It doesn't always go by multiple dates spanning months and then the woman bringing it up. Link to post Share on other sites
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