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Are his intentions good & I'm letting my insecurities take over?


toomanyquestions123

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toomanyquestions123

We met 2 weeks ago in a fundraising event through a common friend, we immediately hit it off and danced till dawn then I left with my friend. The next day, he took my number from my friend and said see it is not just a one time thingy. Since then we exchange whatsapp texts and voice notes almost consistently but sometimes he doesnt text for a day and then texts the very next day. He told me he only uses Whatsapp for work to communicate with his team ( he is an engineer ). He plays in the national Rugby team so he is extremely fit and basically a gym freak, he works out twice per day. We went for a jog on a second date and then had juices. On our third date, we went for drinks and then spend the night clubbing and dancing. That was on Saturday, since then he still texts me, i initiated a convo yesterday after not texting me for one whole day, then he texted me today. I do feel like he is into me but i dont know why I expect a whole bundle of communication when I am dating someone, I'm starting to feel that the problem is me and not the men I date. I tend to rush things and panic if hours passed without texting me.

 

I want to add that we kissed on our third date, he wanted to come to my place but I didn't agree. Is that a bad sign of a ****boy? He is divorced, she cheated on him and married the guy right after they got divorced. It's been 3 years and he said he can't wait to get married again. What do you think?

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Hi!

 

I would say to give it some time; it’s only been 2 weeks!!! I would not worry so much about the text communication. I would be looking at how thoughtful his dates are. Is he attentive? Is he respectful? Do you share the same core values?

 

Based on your post, please do not have sex with him or go back to his place until you are secure about where you stand!!! Know your value. Watch his actions. Words and actions should be consistent.

 

Give it a couple of months and his intentions should become clear.

 

Have a beautiful day!!!

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I think the panic comes from the sex thing.

You are already guessing he is going to reject you as he cannot wait for sex, so you are always on high alert for signs he is losing interest.

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I think you need to cut out the clingy nature,

 

worrying about texting and so on, this will lead to you becoming over dependent on the guy,

 

take a step back go on a few more dates and play it cool.

you did the right thing by not inviting him back,

 

he has you right where he wants if you think you will lose him by not giving sex- **** him do not give him that power over you

 

I suspect hes playing the marriage card this early- that he senses you need someone and is expecting you to jump all over him,

 

let him wait- on your terms.

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He plays in the national Rugby team so he is extremely fit and basically a gym freak, he works out twice per day. We went for a jog on a second date and then had juices.

 

I'm starting to feel that the problem is me and not the men I date. I tend to rush things and panic if hours passed without texting me.

 

I want to add that we kissed on our third date, he wanted to come to my place but I didn't agree. Is that a bad sign of a ****boy? He is divorced, she cheated on him and married the guy right after they got divorced.

 

I've exercised most of my life but never at the level he is at. I assume it's because of his national sports aspirations. It could cause some problems down the road when he prefers the gym to time with you. It's easy to get obsessive about fitness.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the texting. In the beginning of a relationship I think its normal to act this way. It just shows your interest.

 

I recently was reminded by another poster that the golden dating rule is sex on the third date. I have to admit I was unaware of that. I always thought sex happened when the time was right. People have different thresholds I thought. So, that may have something to do with his disappointment.

 

The one caution flag I noticed was that his wife cheated on him. Now that could be because of her nature but it also could be because he was lifting weights at the gym instead of doing some heavy lifting in his marriage.

 

Make sure you thoroughly understand what priority he assigns you within his busy life and don't marry him unless you know you are number one.

 

Best Wishes

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I recently was reminded by another poster that the golden dating rule is sex on the third date. I have to admit I was unaware of that. I always thought sex happened when the time was right.

 

TMQ is a virgin saving herself for marriage.

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toomanyquestions123

To answer all the thankfully posts above:

 

1. He mentioned that he neglected his lifestyle when he was married and that he is happy he is back to gym and sports and he wants someone to understand that; he is also indirectly pushing me to go back to gym and send me details of his gym to enroll.

2. I still didn't ask details about what happened wrong in their marriage, all he said was she cheated and this broke his heart but then realized it was for the better and she was not the one.

3. I am open to the idea of sleeping with someone ( not necessarily intercourse) but i don't want to do that unless it's organically progressing and I make sure if we do it, he won't lose interest the very next day. It will hurt me if he did, i see potential with him, he is handsome, very polite and we have a lot of things in common, no red flags so far except maybe his obsession with fitness? When i told him no when he invited himself to my place i told him i dont want to ruin what is between us and that i see a potential and to be patient, he said nothing will be ruined but i know he was just horny.

4. I dont mind to start going to the gym and be fit as well, actually his body is so toned that it encourages you to work out but he goes immediately after work to the gym and stays for 4 hours there so we will not meet more than twice per week if it's gonna progress.

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What is the golden dating rule of sex on the 3rd date!?

 

I don't really know. I'm not sure if the poster was being sarcastic or perfectly serious since I did not engage them any further on the subject. I had never heard of it.

 

If I use the posts I read on the forum as my guide the decision when to have sex ranges from first date or pick-up to sometimes weeks.

 

Then you have to consider the people in emotional affairs where their AP may be thousands of miles away. Does sex via skype count?

 

I prefer to think that two people come to a mutual understanding and the emotional conditions between them are in agreement and that tends to happen whenever it happens.

 

 

Best wishes

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What is the golden dating rule of sex on the 3rd date!?

 

 

Simply that the 3rd date (or after it!) is likely to be the most common time for the couple to first have sex.

 

lol in my experience it takes a little longer, but Id guess that it does hold true.

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I'm not sure what you mean by "are his intentions good . . . "? If you mean is his dating goal the same as yours? That would be a good conversation to have fairly soon.

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There are a few issues on both your parts. No one is perfect. Don't expect each other to be prefect, chill out on the insecurities and it might work out ok.

 

I'll comment on a few things I see below....

 

The next day, he took my number from my friend and said see it is not just a one time thingy.
He should have gotten it from you directly instead of getting it from the friend after the fact.

 

Since then we exchange whatsapp texts and voice notes almost consistently
That is too much. You'll burn out on each other. You are both guilty of that one. Save your conversations for in person so that you actually have something to talk about when your are together. You will anticipate being together and it will be more meaningful when you are.

 

I expect a whole bundle of communication when I am dating someone, I'm starting to feel that the problem is me and not the men I date. I tend to rush things and panic if hours passed without texting me.
Yes, you need to get over that. You need to be able to go for 5-7 days without contact and not freak out about it. Work on that together, practice it, tell each other in advance that you are going to do that then practice it. For example, on Monday agree on a date for Saturday night. Establish an exact time and place. Then you both agree to not contact each other (barring emergencies or important changes) till you actually see each other on the date. Since you both know that is what you are doing that should lessen the insecurity and will heighten the anticipation to see each other (which is good). Once you build that trust between each other that you will do what you say and show up as you promised then you can behave in a more balanced natural way without all the wackyness.

 

I want to add that we kissed on our third date, he wanted to come to my place but I didn't agree. Is that a bad sign of a ****boy?
I think it would be a bad sign if he wanted to come to your place but only wanted the stand out in the middle of the front yard. If he was a ***boy he wouldn't have waited till the 3rd date,...he would have been all over you the first night and tried to take you back to his place. Also, asking to come to your place can be a "test" he is using to measure your level of trust in him. I do that myself, I don't care if we actually go to her place, I just want to know if she trusts me well enough to allow me to. Edited by PRW
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I expect a whole bundle of communication when I am dating someone, I'm starting to feel that the problem is me and not the men I date. I tend to rush things and panic if hours passed without texting me.

 

Expectations are future resentments under construction. When you couple that with the inability to self soothe, that's a recipe for not getting what you want out of life and relationships.

 

I want to add that we kissed on our third date, he wanted to come to my place but I didn't agree. Is that a bad sign of a ****boy? He is divorced, she cheated on him and married the guy right after they got divorced. It's been 3 years and he said he can't wait to get married again. What do you think?

 

I think that he's not saying he wants to get married to you, but that he's not out here in the streets or on this app to be messing about--if you're not on the same trajectory, you'll be dismissed.

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Expectations are future resentments under construction.
I like that one.
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Versacehottie

I think he is just trying to set a pace he can stick with. A lot of people, especially guys, need to see how you fit into their life or just don't fully jump into an intense thing---like they have other things going on, such as this guy.

 

Wow, 4 hours a day at the gym is a lot! I think you will need to see if he has time to squeeze you in really to be honest. I think even if someone is into their hobby or whatever, they will eventually make time for their girlfriend as the relationship progresses. I know he's not using that as the excuse for why he's not in touch more--but honestly it's beginning stages, he doesn't need to make an excuse. He still has his life and you are not that deep with each other yet. I'd be a little worried how it will work if you do progress with this amount of gym time on the daily though.

 

So i don't think you have much to worry about at all now. Keep your expectations in check though. Also whatever you are latching onto about marriage though throw that out the window. You are getting too far ahead of yourself. I think as someone who has been hurt the way he has & betrayed what he says and does about marriage might be two different things. He might say he wants it and then panic as things get close to that. He might be trying to substitute what "failed". You need to be cautious a bit and it's only been two dates so you still have a lot to learn about each other, which goes for any two people at this stage. Good luck

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W I expect a whole bundle of communication when I am dating someone, I'm starting to feel that the problem is me and not the men I date. I tend to rush things and panic if hours passed without texting me.

 

What do you think?

 

I think you hit the nail on the head: the problem is you. You panic for no reason. The pace he's sets seems rushed & a lot to me but you are panicking that it's not enough. Your anxiety about this is misplaced. You will come across as clingy & he will bolt if you don't settle down.

 

Just because we have the ability to be in touch 24/7 does not mean we have the obligation to do so.

 

Take a deep breath. Do not even bat an eye as long as you are hearing from him every 36-48 hours . . . yes that is more then one full day. Stop with this nonsense about panicking if mere hours pass. You have a life. You have a job. You have friends. Pay attention to them & stop thinking the world revolves around some guy you met 14 days ago.

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You should never feel pressured or worry about him taking off or what he thinks. Know your worth! Have confidence in yourself. If he doesn't like the pace, then so be it...better guys to date out there then. Stop placing so much value on a guy....you look out for yourself. Just be kool, relax and go with the flow.

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newyorker11356
You should never feel pressured or worry about him taking off or what he thinks. Know your worth! Have confidence in yourself. If he doesn't like the pace, then so be it...better guys to date out there then. Stop placing so much value on a guy....you look out for yourself. Just be kool, relax and go with the flow.

 

In this case, no. It's quite apparent that the guys aren't the issue here, but her.

 

The majority of men and women don't want an absolute clingy partner at the start of a dating/relationship situation.

 

She says every guy bolts away. There's a reason for that.

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toomanyquestions123

I admit there is a problem in me, and maybe i pushed some good men away because of my clingy behavior and the need to establish a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship immediately. With this guy though, i do feel he wants to keep seeing me and see where it goes but obviously on his own terms, meanwhile I'm just gonna relax and go with the flow. I'm just anxious he will stop communicating out of a sudden, i have my insecurities; my ex fiancé broke up with me out of a sudden and disappeared. And I like this guy, i think he is mentally healthy, he is a good guy with a dark side, my perfect combination. But, I'm always worried about him or any guy i like losing interest. But all your comments are true. I should not build expectations with someone i met two weeks ago, i need to relax, keep focusing on my life, have self-confidence and just let it be.

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toomanyquestions123
In this case, no. It's quite apparent that the guys aren't the issue here, but her.

 

The majority of men and women don't want an absolute clingy partner at the start of a dating/relationship situation.

 

She says every guy bolts away. There's a reason for that.

 

Only guys that i like bolt away yes LOL

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...he is a good guy with a dark side, my perfect combination.

 

Maybe forget about choosing guys "with a dark side", what is that about?

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Curiousroxy86
Maybe forget about choosing guys "with a dark side", what is that about?

 

lol I thought the same thing

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toomanyquestions123
Maybe forget about choosing guys "with a dark side", what is that about?

 

Not an open book, someone i want to know more about him.

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One day at a time.

 

It's understandable that the former FIs disappearing act messed with your head. Just try to remember this guy is not your former FI.

 

You can do this. Breathe! We're all rooting for you.

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