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When to start again?


Humber115

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Looking for some advice?

My ex wife came home 2.5yrs ago and told me that she wanted a divorce. She pushed to get it done asap and when officially separated August 2017. It was horrible as we have 2 beautiful kids which I get 50% of the time. I had done nothing wrong my ex just wanted what she thought would be a better life.

I then meet my now ex girlfriend in November and we where friends to start but then started dating January 2018. Things where amazing I was so happy and saw the past few years of married life wasnt how love should have been. I was finally happy and saw a brilliant future. Then the gf had serious trust issues. Accusing me of things I hadn't done. I proved her wrong yet she still didnt believe me. We where on and off for months and things got very nasty with mental and physical abuse from her. We finally eneded end of January 2019. She then started dating someone in March but since then has broken up and funny thing she accused him of things he hadn't done too!

Now friends have told me I need to move on but I'm scared! Ex wife hurt me ex gf broke my heart. I wonder if I'm ready to move on but just dont know. Yes I want to be in a relationship but this last one broke me. I still think about her every day.

 

Question is am I ready?

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Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, the new girlfriend/friend has her own insecurity issues and she's creating what she fears most. Nothing much you can do but move on from that. Such a shame. Insecurity gets triggered no matter what for people like that.

 

Well, maybe you do need a rest and a change of scenery. Have you thought about going on a man-cation and letting someone take the kids for your part of the week this one and really getting away to a place you've always wanted to go and clear your head and get some perspective?

 

I mean, I'm sure you bring your own issues into each relationship, but it does sound more like you had the first one who decided she wasn't having fun anymore (did she begin having kids too young maybe?) and then this one with insecurity she doesn't try to control. So it sounds like once you rest up, no reason not to try, try again. Just be sure you really get to know someone and don't let yourself fall and move in together in six months. As you just saw with your friend/girlfriend, it takes years to really see everyone's dark side, and we all have one! So don't jump into anything fast. The kids don't need to deal with that either, of course.

 

Wait until you feel balanced again after the chaos, though.

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Lotsgoingon

To get ready to date again, I suggest you reflect on what happened between you and your wife and between you and this later interest. Very rarely do people want to divorce all of a sudden. Usually there are clues and evidence that one partner was unhappy or the relationship had a lot of weaknesses.

 

I had done nothing wrong my ex just wanted what she thought would be a better life.

 

Yes, relationships are about finding a better life. Relationships aren't about avoiding doing something "wrong." They're about connecting and building trust and intimacy and encouraging each other's growth ... and for having fun and enjoyment.

 

You're writing about the marriage and the later relationship as if you were a bystander helplessly victimized by these other people acting irrationally. But you are an actor, and part of our job in dating is to avoid irrationally-acting people.

 

I'm sorry ... I simply don't believe this: Things where amazing I was so happy and saw the past few years of married life wasn't how love should have been. I was finally happy and saw a brilliant future. Then the gf had serious trust issues.

 

I can believe you felt happy ... but I don't accept that things were really good. I think you missed the signs of trust problems that were on display all along.

 

So, I'll ask you: what did you learn from the marriage and divorce? What did you learn from your most recent dating? What can YOU do differently as far as selecting partners, noticing problems and addressing them?

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Sorry about the run you've had , been there done that.

But nope, of cause your not ready , l spent 31/2yrs on my own , it was a must do for me. And figuring out what l might wanna do , life from there, and finding some closure and peace within myself for everything with ex w.

 

l think you really need some of that , you've rushed in once and that might be great if by some long shot it does turn out to be great but the trouble is we're not strong enough and sorted and together enough so soon to handle it if it isn't, or to be a good judge of them or ourselves and the whole sitch.

Hence your ex gf being in such a mess, she hasn't even worked on herself and through her issues, and then she bounces straight onto someone else for more of the same.

 

Really , just live for awhile , find yourself again enjoy time with your kids and when you feel up to it or have the interest other things you enjoy too, be still with this women stuff, leave it alone for awhile.There's plenty out there later believe me , when you are ready.

Well at least that would be my advice anyway , and coming from someone that's been there.

Edited by chillii
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I agree it sounds like you need to take a break from dating and be on your own for a little while.

 

You went straight from feeling blind-sided by your wife to jumping in to the deep end quickly with the girlfriend. That was pretty much guaranteed to leave you feeling emotionally battered.

 

Take some time to think honestly and clearly about your marriage, there had to be signs along the way that you just weren't paying attention to.

 

And for the girlfriend, I think that's probably pretty easy to explain - you were in no fit state to be involved with anyone because you hadn't processed the failure of your marriage. You were probably kind of faking your way through it, pretending everything was great (because you needed it to be) and your girlfriend felt that.

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For sure you need to heal from these two relationships before you jump into anything else. Focus on maintaining a good bond with your kids, doing well at work, dive into a hobby or learn a new skill.

 

Do things that will fulfill you and/or help you grow as a person. It will help you reconcile the hurt you're feeling and help you recover for the future.

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Go with Alpha's advice. Unlike me, he sees things clearly in just a few words.

 

Try not to feel isolated or unique. What's happening to you has happened to everyone to some degree or another. You are just getting a double dose. It's like a flood plain that floods every hundred years and then gets hit twice in ten. Just don't get swept away and when you're ready, come back and rebuild on higher ground.

 

Best Wishes

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You weren't ready when you started to date the GF. Hence you missed all the red flags. You didn't care about those warning signs. You just wanted a warm body in your life & in your bed because you weren't ready to face being divorced.

 

I agree with Alpha. You aren't ready. You haven't spent any time reflecting on what went wrong in your marriage or how it changed you. You haven't spent any time figuring out who you are as a single father.

 

"Date" yourself for a while. Figure out what makes you tick, what your hobbies & interests are. Spend time with your kids. Throw yourself into work. When you are comfortable & confident in your own skin, then you can restart your quest for love.

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Thanks for the advice and kind words. I forgot to mention the ex wife asked for a divorce 2 yrs before the split. Said I was a wonderful man and father but she didnt love me anymore. We tried again but nothing changed. I found out she had been with someone back then. She also went with someone 4weeks after asking for the divorce whilst still living with me. She since has been with 4 others so the grass wasnt greener in the end.

I have to disagree about not ready to date the ex gf. I was in shock over the divorce yes but I was ready to start a new life and adored her. Thought it was my last chance but see she wasnt the girl I thought and she said she was.

Guess I've just been very unlucky in love. I agree I'm not ready to start again and god knows if i ever will be? I think I just hate being on my own. I'm at my happiest when with the kids so make the most of my time.

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Thanks for the advice and kind words. I forgot to mention the ex wife asked for a divorce 2 yrs before the split. Said I was a wonderful man and father but she didnt love me anymore. We tried again but nothing changed. I found out she had been with someone back then. She also went with someone 4weeks after asking for the divorce whilst still living with me. She since has been with 4 others so the grass wasnt greener in the end.

I have to disagree about not ready to date the ex gf. I was in shock over the divorce yes but I was ready to start a new life and adored her. Thought it was my last chance but see she wasnt the girl I thought and she said she was.

Guess I've just been very unlucky in love. I agree I'm not ready to start again and god knows if i ever will be? I think I just hate being on my own. I'm at my happiest when with the kids so make the most of my time.

 

How do you know ehen you are ready to date again?? Hard to say.

 

Focusing in the marriage... general rule of factors are

 

Length of total relationship

How did the divorce process go

What was the expectation levrl of the divorce before i want a divorce? We’re there marital problems before? Did you catch them cheating?

Do you have kids?

 

Those factors can tell how much time is needed before you can start a relationship again.

 

This second relationship may have occurred before you were ready.

 

The only way you know you are ready is by trying to date.

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Thanks for the advice and kind words. I forgot to mention the ex wife asked for a divorce 2 yrs before the split. Said I was a wonderful man and father but she didnt love me anymore. We tried again but nothing changed. I found out she had been with someone back then. She also went with someone 4weeks after asking for the divorce whilst still living with me. She since has been with 4 others so the grass wasnt greener in the end.

I have to disagree about not ready to date the ex gf. I was in shock over the divorce yes but I was ready to start a new life and adored her. Thought it was my last chance but see she wasnt the girl I thought and she said she was.

Guess I've just been very unlucky in love. I agree I'm not ready to start again and god knows if i ever will be? I think I just hate being on my own. I'm at my happiest when with the kids so make the most of my time.

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How do you know ehen you are ready to date again?? Hard to say.

 

Focusing in the marriage... general rule of factors are

 

Length of total relationship

How did the divorce process go

What was the expectation levrl of the divorce before i want a divorce? We’re there marital problems before? Did you catch them cheating?

Do you have kids?

 

Ex wife and I together for 10 years married for 6. Divorce was all.done In 4 months. We never argued and things where ok but she looked for someone else not long after our 2nd child was born. Didnt know that she day until after the divorce 2yrs later. We have 2 kids

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I have to disagree about not ready to date the ex gf. I was in shock over the divorce yes but I was ready to start a new life and adored her.

You cannot be 'in shock' of something as dramatic as a divorce and be 'ready' to date. Many people 'think' they are ready to date after a divorce but it's just that craving to fill the void. In that state of mind you cannot make good judgement call like picking the right person to date.

 

 

Thought it was my last chance
That's how we feel after our 1st divorce. After our 2nd divorce we know there isn't such a thing as 'last chance' and if a relationship doesn't make it then life will go on and someon else will come by.

 

but see she wasnt the girl I thought and she said she was.
She said she was? I find that wording interesting. You dated her 1 year, her actions taught you who she was early on, not her words. I think you probably were too infatuated to see the early red flags.

 

 

Guess I've just been very unlucky in love.
Good relationships are rarely about luck, they're about making good choices in who we date.

 

I agree I'm not ready to start again and god knows if i ever will be? I think I just hate being on my own. I'm at my happiest when with the kids so make the most of my time.
You will be ready to date again when you're happy and comfortable on your own. We rarely make good choices in partners when we crave a relationship. Being on your own won't kill you, it will make you stronger and wiser. I spent 1 year single between Marriage 1 and 2, and it wasn't enough that's why partner 2 turned out to be a very bad pick. I was 8 years single between parter 2 and partner 3 and I made a much much smarter pick that 3rd time. I am not telling you to be single 8 years, but take the time to be on your own and take time to figure yourself out. Good luck.
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emeraldgreen

Getting rid of your outcome dependency will be important. There's no the one, my last chance or any of that stuff. You can date different girls til the day you die if you want but, right now, you have to be a stronger single person before you can weather a relationship and maintain a healthy detachment from what it will end up as.

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Thanks to everyone for the great advice. Wont lie it's been a hard few years with many ups and downs. I really thought the ex gf was my chance to be happy again and she was excellent at convincing me she was the best thing since sliced bread. When we broke up she constantly said it was all my fault and look at what I've lost and I will never find anyone again. Months of this smashed my already low confidence. Seeing her move on in a few weeks really hurt but when they broke up 3 months later showed me the type of girl she is yet her words have left scars in my head and heart. Ex wife is now with her 4th man in 2.5 yrs again shows the type of girl I was married to.

All this has taken its toll so i agree with you all and i need time alone. I've not been with the ex gf now for 6 months so guess it's a start but think i need more time. Fingers crossed I find the me again and get a little confidence back back and start with someone who wants me like I want them

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Need more advice please......

The ex gf messaged me for the 1st time since we broke up, before then she just answered my message. She asked me if her now ex bf had messaged me! He hadn't. I ignored it as I just didnt know what to do. I got 3 more messages and the last one calling me a w***er and she blocked me off fbook.

Next day I felt guilty for not just saying he hadn't so txt her. I got a reply and more abuse on how much I and him had hurt her and no way was she taking me back! Joke was I never once asked her back! I told her I still loved her and missed her but nothing about trying again. She said I now had nothing and I flipped! I reminded her of what I did have and she apologised and agreed and I left it there.

Trouble is deep down I'm still madly in love with her and know I should walk away especially after everything. What should I do!!!

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I think that you're not madly in love with her (I mean, who could love someone who behaved like she just did?), but rather, you're in love with the idea of her. The idea of what it could have been.

 

But the reality is something else and your dreams are just a bit slow to catch up to reality.

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I've been thinking about this lately also, as I am one signature away from being officially divorced. (Should be ready when I get back from this biz trip) I know some will disagree, but everyone is different. On this board, I see blanket statements saying wait 6mo, or 1yr.

 

 

In my case, my relationship was long, (20 yrs) and the bond was deeper than just love for me... it was true family. but, 9 months ago, she dropped a bomb on me, and as much as I tried to find a solution, she just blamed me, and used me until she found her way. On top of that, she got very cruel, and tried to destroy my reputation with the local families, and turn my kids against me. She did a very good job of making me not care about her any longer, and making it a certainty that there will never be a issue with wanting her back. I'm no longer sad, or thinking about her. Other than thinking about the welfare of my kids when I'm not around.

 

 

Because of that... I'm now open to a relationship. I'm not actively looking... but if it happens, it happens.

 

 

I guess my point to this is... when someone says "Wait xxx amount of time."... where does that time start from? From where your heart is ripped out... from where you see the cruel nature of the other person... from where the divorce is filed... from where someone moves out... from when it's all final????????????

 

 

Like I said above... everyone, and every divorce is different, and only you can answer that question. .

Edited by Blind-Sided
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