She might be interested but still has a BF?

[mthpp]

I met this girl a few weeks ago on a tour. We got along well and talked most of the way. Later I had some drinks with her on two occasions but both times with one or two other people. It seemed we've had a lot in common.

 

We both like food so we did a cooking session together a few days ago. She actually took more initiative setting up the time/date etc... I ended up spending the whole day at her place. Later in the evening she said if she can ask a couple of private questions. How old I was and if I had someone special in my home town, to which I answered no. She was quite uncomfortable asking the second question, saying oh it's embarrassing etc...

 

She said she has a BF in her home city who she's been with for the last few years, but they are drifting apart and she's seriously considering ending it in a few weeks when she sees him.

 

I did not ask her on a date right there because I wanted to respect that she's technically still in a relationship.

 

But I'm also afraid of waiting until after she talks with her BF because then she might think I'm not interested.

 

Should I tell her respectfully that if she decides to end it with her current BF, I'll love to take her out on a date? I think she is definitely interested in me at least to some extent.

 

Next day I was also with her and some other people. Might be good to mention we are both quite new in the city, 2 months for her and 6 months for me.

 

Would appreciate some advice.

 

Many thanks!

[d0nnivain]

She knows you are interested. She has a BF. If & when she ditches the BF she knows where to find you.

[mthpp]

She knows you are interested. She has a BF. If & when she ditches the BF she knows where to find you.

 

So I should tell her that I'm interested now or not?

 

We said we'll cook together again next weekend, so most likely I'll see her again in a few days time.

 

I really don't want to get friend-zoned with this one, which is what I'm afraid will happen if I keep seeing her and don't make a proper move.

[d0nnivain]

When you see her to cook with her, tell her you wish she was free so you could ask her out (or kiss her).

 

Do not ask her to break up with the BF.

[PRW]

She actually took more initiative setting up the time/date etc...

That is a platonic action. If she was feeling romantic she would expect the guy to take the initiative.

 

How old I was and if I had someone special in my home town, to which I answered no.

The first question could imply that she thought you seemed immature,...at least in the context of relationships. The second question should not have been taken seriously. In a joking way you should have said, "Oh!,...Tons! I just can't keep up! They're peeking in my windows at night!" Then have the expression and demeanor that clearly shows you are joking around and the lack of taking it serious gives the implication of that information not being any of her business without you actually having to say that to her directly.

 

She said she has a BF in her home city who she's been with for the last few years, but they are drifting apart and she's seriously considering ending it in a few weeks when she sees him.

This could mean a few different things. It could mean she is putting you on stand-by to be her backup,...but it could also mean she is suggesting that if you are

"man enough" you could have her since the current BF isn't dong so great.

 

I did not ask her on a date right there because I wanted to respect that she's technically still in a relationship.

You just told her that you "aren't man enough".

 

But I'm also afraid of waiting until after she talks with her BF because then she might think I'm not interested.

She's a woman, you're a guy,...she knew in the first 15 seconds you were interested. You said you were afraid. That is the correct part. You've demonstrated to her that you don't have the confidence and assertiveness that you need and she wants.

 

Should I tell her respectfully that if she decides to end it with her current BF, I'll love to take her out on a date?

Absolutely not!! That would come across as horribly weak.

 

I don't think you can recover here. You already allowed a situation to be created where she told you a BF existed. It would be better if you did not know he existed then you just have the assertiveness to offer a date,...she'd say yes,...the BF would never get mentioned or ever be part of the conversation. If you would have offered a date and she "protested" by saying that she had a boyfriend you could respond lightheartedly with "I used to have a goldfish once",...or,..."Well he can just keep you busy the rest of the time". It would be clear that you were joking around but at the same time the offer of the date was real. If she still rejects the date you aren't out anything and she'll think you are least still a laugh and fun to be around. But if she said yes then you may have beat out the old BF.

Edited July 1, 2019 by PRW

[Beendaredonedat]

What ever you do, don't take the advice to kiss her. If you do that before she breaks up with her b/f, you will be giving her zero reason to break up with him because she will then have her cake and eat it to. Helping someone to cheat is no way to start off a relationship.

 

If you want to be more than her friend then tell her that you don't think hanging out one on one is a good thing to be doing while she has a boyfriend but when she breaks up with him, you would really like to take her out and hang out with her more.

 

See what she has to say about that.

[Lotsgoingon]

She's still dating someone. Period. BTW: she is not "technically still in relationship." She is still in the relationship. People go through ups and downs in relationships all the time ... doesn't mean they're about to break up.

 

It's not unusual to occasionally have chemistry with someone who is dating someone. But it almost never works that the person will leave their relationship for the new person ... and if they do, 99 percent of the time, they're not ready to be in the new relationship.

 

No, you so NOT want to tell her you're available if she breaks up with bf. One, you don't want her immediately after she breaks up ... You would want her only after she's been single a bit and truly cleared her bf out of her system. And two, that puts you in a horrible "waiting" position ... and "waiting" is never good. You need to go out and date other people. Waiting will destroy your confidence and almost always leads to disappointment. If something is to later develop between you and this woman, it'll happen. You won't have to think about it.

 

Just enjoy the energy and how she made you feel ... enjoy the boost to your confidence ... and keep looking for someone who does not have a bf.

 

Move on.

[mthpp]

Some valid points above.

 

I'm sure she figures I'm interested. I don't think she asked those questions for no reason, especially how she asked them.

 

I kept it light hearted by saying I'm not good with girls, she also said she's really bad at attracting guys.... She said before the current BF she hung out a bit with one other guy and that was it.

 

She's in her late 20s, I'm in my very early 30s. She actually thought I was a few years older.

 

I asked if she feels they are drifting apart, she said totally. She also said with her current BF once she got really scared that she might be pregnant and asked if I've had the same scare. This I'm not sure how to interpret.

[Beendaredonedat]

Some valid points above.

 

I'm sure she figures I'm interested. I don't think she asked those questions for no reason, especially how she asked them.

 

I kept it light hearted by saying I'm not good with girls, she also said she's really bad at attracting guys.... She said before the current BF she hung out a bit with one other guy and that was it.

 

She's in her late 20s, I'm in my very early 30s. She actually thought I was a few years older.

 

I asked if she feels they are drifting apart, she said totally. She also said with her current BF once she got really scared that she might be pregnant and asked if I've had the same scare. This I'm not sure how to interpret.

You are sliding down a slippery slope with her. Stop the canoodling one on one and tell her straight that you are interested in getting to know her in a dating sense and if she's ever single you'd love to take her out but until then it's best you distance yourselves from one another so that she can get moving on breaking up or fixing what she has with him.

 

She's grooming you (whether self consciously or purposely is unclear) to be the cake she eats while she keeps it (her b/f) too.

 

Don't let her turn you into that guy.

 

BTW: You wouldn't be turning her into your wife immediately after she breaks up but rather just dating to get to know her and taking things slow so getting with her after she breaks up, if you do it right, there would be no need to wait to date. If you don't show her interest romantically then she will tire of you or friend zone you which you don't want either. No one said you should "wait around until she breaks up" but rather just keep yourself away from her until she does. Certainly date others and stop the one on one interaction with her. Would you like it if your g/f was cooking and canoodling and getting to know a new guy without you? pffft.

 

P.S. Don't take too seriously advice based on getting laid. You can do that with single women and you'll have no problem in this day and age. You don't need to be doing it with some other guys chick. bleck!

Edited July 1, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, "drifting apart" means nothing. Squat. Zero. Serious relationships--think binary ... either or off ... Forget about the "quality" ... I know people who've been together decades who've been drifting apart the entire time.

 

Beware: that's a phrase that people use when they want to cheat on a partner. "Drifting apart" is not broken up ... drifting apart does not mean ready and open and available to you. That was a phrase she served to you.

 

Keep moving.

[mthpp]

Dude, "drifting apart" means nothing. Squat. Zero. Serious relationships--think binary ... either or off ... Forget about the "quality" ... I know people who've been together decades who've been drifting apart the entire time.

 

Beware: that's a phrase that people use when they want to cheat on a partner. "Drifting apart" is not broken up ... drifting apart does not mean ready and open and available to you. That was a phrase she served to you.

 

Keep moving.

 

 

Actually that was the phrase I used to ask her about the current status, to which she replied totally.

 

She says she hasn't seen for him almost 6 months and it might be time to "have that talk".

Edited July 1, 2019 by mthpp
Correct typo

[Orokotikki]

If or when you finally get with her, she may want to cook or whatever with other guys, logic will show this will be her lining up a new fboy or at least testing the waters.

 

If you complain you will simply be told you are insecure or controlling.

 

If you don't she will leave you high n dry, and clueless for the next (as she is getting ready to here).

Is that the kinda girl you want in your life?

 

Good luck.

[Lotsgoingon]

Actually that was the phrase I used to ask her about the current status, to which she replied totally.

 

She says she hasn't seen for him almost 6 months and it might be time to "have that talk".

 

This reminds me of a story and argument my brother once told me. I was a little kid and a buddy owed me like a dime. The buddy would say "it's only a dime, why are you worrying about this?"

 

To which my brother said I should flip it. If it's only a dime, then he can pay me back immediately. Why is he delaying?

 

To you and your story ... If she's so distant from this bf and hasn't seen him for 6 months and it's nothing, then why hasn't she officially broken up with him? If they are already de facto broken up, why doesn't she go ahead and make it official? That's what people do! So what's up with her?

 

I get that this woman is probably quite charming and we're here telling you to be careful ... but her story doesn't make sense.

[mthpp]

So last weekend we hung out together again for the day, made some food, had some drinks etc...

 

At that point I figured I had to do something so we don't continue to pointlessly hangout when there is clearly some interest from both sides. So I found a good moment and said to her if she does decide to become single (in the near future) I would love to take her out on a proper date.

 

She said that was really cute and brave of me to ask, and there is definitely chemistry and feelings from her. At the same time she's not sure how she'll feel after the breakup and how long it'll be until she's ready again.

 

Neither of us have much experience with dating, but it seems to be like she wants her cake and eat it like someone said above. She's not sure if she's ready to date but still wants to keep me close.

 

She also asked me a couple of questions about things I've said which shows me that she seems to think too much about what people say.

[PRW]

We both like food so we did a cooking session together a few days ago. She actually took more initiative setting up the time/date etc... I ended up spending the whole day at her place. Later in the evening she said if she can ask a couple of private questions. How old I was and if I had someone special in my home town, to which I answered no. She was quite uncomfortable asking the second question, saying oh it's embarrassing etc...

 

She said she has a BF in her home city who she's been with for the last few years, but they are drifting apart and she's seriously considering ending it in a few weeks when she sees him.

 

I did not ask her on a date right there because I wanted to respect that she's technically still in a relationship.This was an easy one but you already blew it.

 

What she was saying was this: My BF is on the way out the door and if you're man enough you can take his place, but I want to pretend to be nice enough to not steel you from another woman even though I couldn't care less.

 

Your answer to her question of "do you have a GF" should have been, "I'm a free man. Let's make something to eat, like maybe what we did in that cooking session earlier, and see if we can find a good movie on the TV" (you were already at her place). She probably would never have mentioned her BF at that point, you would have been the "new guy" and would never had to know about or worry about other details. What happens between her and her BF is between them and for them to worry about.

[PRW]

to pointlessly hangout when there is clearly some interest from both sides. So I found a good moment and said to her if she does decide to become single (in the near future) I would love to take her out on a proper date.

 

She said that was really cute and brave of me to ask

Aw, dude. You don't get it. "Cute and brave" just means weak and lame. What you said was timid and weak,...sorry. She was just responding the way she usually sees things in romance movies be responded to.

 

You kind of already blew it from the first meeting. It would have been really hard to recover from that. It was only due to her inexperience that you ended up with her for a second meeting. A more experienced woman would have ignored you after that.

[Redhead14]

If you want a little "window" into what may be in store for you if you start dating a girl who hasn't broken up with her current boyfriend yet, read this thread

 

How the Perfect Guy Turned into A Douchebag During Breakup

 

 

To summarize, the guy got fed up with being used as her emotional tampon while she was breaking up with her current boyfriend and cheating on the current boyfriend with him for 3 months - LOLLLLLLLLLL

 

All of a sudden she's a victim and he's a douche. Bottom line though is that they were both complicit in this mess. He's helped her cheat and was obiting/scavenging, etc., waiting around for the scraps, so to speak.

 

Is that how you want to be viewed in all this after the dust settles? Do you really think you can handle the emotional turmoil she'll be dealing with when/if she breaks up. Do you want to be the monkey on her branch?

[The Outlaw]

She sounds interested but she's still in a relationship currently. Should she break up, she'll come looking for you. If not, move on. Until then, don't do anything.

[crispytoast]

OP if she initiates meetings, feel free to roll with it but don't get emotionally invested. Otherwise don't get too wrapped up in contact and try to meet some other women around town.

Aw, dude. You don't get it. "Cute and brave" just means weak and lame. What you said was timid and weak,...sorry. She was just responding the way she usually sees things in romance movies be responded to.

 

You kind of already blew it from the first meeting. It would have been really hard to recover from that. It was only due to her inexperience that you ended up with her for a second meeting. A more experienced woman would have ignored you after that.

Wow you come off as incredibly immasculate. Could you be any more beta?

Edited July 11, 2019 by crispytoast

[mthpp]

Sorry back to this topic.

 

So we haven't texted each other for 3-4 weeks after the last meeting and I felt both of us were losing interest.

 

So I was a little surprised that she initiated contact again last week. I replied to the messages but did not suggest that we should meet up. She asked if I was doing anything on last Saturday to which I said I was pre-occupied with other stuff.

 

This Saturday night we did meet up (initiated again by her). I thought we were meeting to have a drink and to just catch up but it almost felt like she intended for this to be a date, as she came dressed half-decent and was surprised that I ate something before. I did so because we met quite late at 9pm.

 

So it turns out she did breakup with her BF. She asked if I was dating anyone in the meantime to which I replied no, but this was 2-3 hours after she mentioned that she broke up.

 

To me it totally feels like she is interested in me but not ready to date or is still unsure, but in the meantime she wants to keep me on a "leash".

 

At this point I'm not sure if I'm interested enough to continue... There seems to be a lot of uncertainly and hesitation.

 

During the night she saw a Tinder notification on my phone which I guess it not a good look, but hopefully she's mature to understand that since we are not dating exclusively there's nothing wrong with me looking elsewhere.

[preraph]

Yes. She's been straightforward, so nothing at all wrong with saying, "If you break up with your boyfriend and when you're ready, I'd love to take you on a date." Sounds like he's on his way out.

[smackie9]

She was interested from the start. She singled you out, found out about you, spent some one on one, and made the decision to make herself available, by admitting she was breaking up with her BF.

 

She's trying to get back into your space by meeting up, looking nice, breaking the news that she is indeed now single. She got right to it and laid a hint she wants to date. Maybe not seriously, but going out and having fun non the less. Now don't get all crazy about it...keep it kool. Let her chomp at the bit a little.

[Fekenaws]

I'd wait it out and see! I've had girls in the past who were very flirty with me prior to breaking up with their boyfriends (lapdances etc) and the second they broke up with them I never heard a peep from them. They just liked knowing they could get another guy's attention even though they were spoken for, it gave them the strength they needed to break up with their boyfriend, even if they weren't specifically interested in me.

[kendahke]

Should I tell her respectfully that if she decides to end it with her current BF, I'll love to take her out on a date?

 

No, because she should have taken care of ending her relationship before she stepped to you and allowed you into her intimacy.

 

Take notice: this is what she does when she's in relationships--she keeps the guy she's with in the dark and leads him to believe she 100% present when the truth is she sets up her next stooge before ending her relationship and monkeybranching to the new guy.

 

Don't be the new guy. Do nothing til she's proven she's ended things with her ex first, else you invite this same treatment into your life down the road--because she's got practice at this sort of thing.

[fromheart]

In short; she's not relationship material.

 

For a good time only. If that's your thing, don't do it when she's with someone because your then the source of someone else's pain.

 

Tell her to give you a shout if she's ever single, then disappear.

 

But don't be tempted to make an emotional investment with her, you'll be forever wondering if she's betraying you.