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Boyfriend still sees his ex fiance


tinkerbell16

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tinkerbell16

I have been dating a guy for 5 months. He is attentive, complimentary and responsible... all good there. The issue is he still sees his ex fiance (who was his college sweetheart) when he travels for work (she is out of state) as "friends". I didn't think much about it until I met her. She was not terribly friendly to me, and when I mentioned this to him he said maybe she was tired and started defending her behavior by telling me how wonderful she is "typically". During the meeting, which included 4 other couples and her husband, it seemed like there was an elephant in the room. He almost avoided talking to her. He seems to know a ton about her marriage (that they struggle, have issues) yet when we met they acted like strangers in front of me and her husband. Do I have reason to be concerned about him seeing her when he is out of town?

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Apparently they have been broken up long enough for her to marry someone else.

 

While I would be uncomfortable with this because it does seem like he's carrying a torch for her, he's not going to cut her out of his life because you ask her to.

 

If you ever meet up with this woman & her husband again, perhaps quietly on the side ask the husband how he feels about their friendship. You may gain insight.

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tinkerbell16

I doubt I will meet her husband again, he lives out of state due to his military job (meaning he doesnt live with her, my boyfriends ex fiance) and they only see each other a few times a year, which only heightens my concerns as my boyfriend sees her frequently.

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Oh boy. So her husband's job which keeps him away is actually a destabilizing force in this. I would keep my eye on the situation.

 

How much time passed between college & her marriage? Between her break up with your BF & her marriage? If she went straight from your guy to her husband, his frequent visits would be too much closeness for my tastes. When he is away on business near her & her husband is out of town, where does your guy stay? If its' with her, you need to conclude they are having sex.

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tinkerbell16
Oh boy. So her husband's job which keeps him away is actually a destabilizing force in this. I would keep my eye on the situation.

 

How much time passed between college & her marriage? Between her break up with your BF & her marriage? If she went straight from your guy to her husband, his frequent visits would be too much closeness for my tastes. When he is away on business near her & her husband is out of town, where does your guy stay? If its' with her, you need to conclude they are having sex.

 

To my knowledge, not with her. I guess I just don't see the benefits of keeping up with an ex from so long ago... it's not like he is short of friends. It just seems off and I am hesitant to bring it up again, but I probably will if this feeling doesn't go away.

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I know where a few of my long ago EXs are. 2 I have to routinely deal with professionally. I'm in my 50s but DH & I have had double dates with 2 different HS BFs of mine & their wives. I genuinely like those men; I think they are good guys who are smart & interesting. DH likes them too & they like him.

 

Having shared history is a warm, fuzzy, comforting thing. Having an EA, on the slippery slope to a PA is something else altogether.

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Curiousroxy86

a situation I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole....

 

id think twice tolerating this friendship

 

not saying you should tell him to let go of his friends. dont believe in telling a man what to do especially if she was his friend before you...

 

but I personally would think twice having a boyfriend that allow this type of friendship

 

just saying

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PegNosePete

Agree with Curious. There's no way I'd accept this.

 

Yes, you can't tell him what to do. You can only control what YOU do. And if I were in your shoes, what I'd do is move on. Whether he's banging her or not (which does seem very likely), he's certainly not ready to be in a new relationship because he's still got his foot in the door of his old one.

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I would try and track him when he is visiting her city.

 

Maybe hire a p.i. when he is there to see where he goes and stays...

 

May cost you some money but in the end may save you a lot of time, emotion

if he is stepping out with his friend, which seems like it is highly probable...

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PegNosePete
I would try and track him when he is visiting her city.

 

Maybe hire a p.i. when he is there to see where he goes and stays...

If it was a relationship of 5 years, or if you shared kids or were married, then maybe.

 

But after just 5 months, no way. He's acting so shady and acting completely untrustworthy. In such a short relationship the only sensible course of action is to dump him and move on.

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Doesn't matter if it's shady or not....you are not comfortable with it. You shouldn't have to put up with it. This is why we date...to find out what they are really like. For me this would be an instant deal breaker. I wouldn't have made it past the first date.

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This is why I always advise men and women who have a partner who sees their ex or some "just a friend" privately to invite the person into the fold, because you quickly saw how they both tensed up and acted weird and how someone was concealing from someone their relationship.

 

If it was a casual friendship, the atmosphere would have been casual. Someone is cheating and/or carrying a torch. I just think you have to decide if this relationship is right for you. You can't control who he sees if he has to go out of town, and he's seeing her.

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This is why I always advise men and women who have a partner who sees their ex or some "just a friend" privately to invite the person into the fold, because you quickly saw how they both tensed up and acted weird and how someone was concealing from someone their relationship.

 

Agree^^. When I dated people with opposite-sex best friends this was the tell. You sensed it immediately, OP- the classic "trust your gut" lesson.

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tinkerbell16
This is why I always advise men and women who have a partner who sees their ex or some "just a friend" privately to invite the person into the fold, because you quickly saw how they both tensed up and acted weird and how someone was concealing from someone their relationship.

 

If it was a casual friendship, the atmosphere would have been casual. Someone is cheating and/or carrying a torch. I just think you have to decide if this relationship is right for you. You can't control who he sees if he has to go out of town, and he's seeing her.

 

I then wonder why he even introduced us if they have something to hide. It wasn't necessary meaning I didn't ask to meet her so why put himself in a situation that could expose a secret if he really disnt have to. Thinking back, he was complimentary to me in her presence. Maybe she still has a thing for him but not reciprocated. Just trying to see it logically now that I have had time to see it less emotionally based.

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They introduced you to allay suspicion.

If she is sharing her marriage problems with him, it is already an EA, with little to no reason why it might not be a PA or become a PA at anytime.

I would dump them, and tell her husband why I did, to boot!

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tinkerbell16
They introduced you to allay suspicion.

If she is sharing her marriage problems with him, it is already an EA, with little to no reason why it might not be a PA or become a PA at anytime.

I would dump them, and tell her husband why I did, to boot!

Ugh, that is possible. Sometimes I wonder if I am so jaded that I conclude the worst. On the flip side, he is very attentive to me, I would argue the more "needy" one. He is a gentleman and always makes sure he is taking care of me. Little things like when he leaves a room asking "if I need anything". I just want to be sure I am not making a mountain out of a mole hill.

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Do I have reason to be concerned about him seeing her when he is out of town?

 

Do you trust him?

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tinkerbell16
Do you trust him?

 

He hasn't given me reason not to. My trust issues are because I have been cheated on by other men. Which is exactly why I am so suspicious here. He has not done anything really.... this is why I presented this to LS community. To gain perspective. He seems to be all in with our relationship.

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Curiousroxy86

Well sounds like you have 3 choices tinker

 

1. Accept their friendship, stay with him, and trust he is a good guy despite your gut

2. Leave this emotionally-volatile triangle of a relationship

3. Stay for now and snoop and whatever you find then choose to stay or leave

 

I’d pick 2...then again if I knew it was like this beforehand he wouldn’t be my boyfriend in the first place

 

I can imagine one picking 3 if they are really not sure if they should trust but not sure if they should leave

Edited by Curiousroxy86
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He says he wasn't ready to marry (too young)

 

Uh oh. This didn't end because they weren't working.

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Im having trouble understanding what's the problem here..

Is it that he visited his ex as friends?

Is it that she "seems" to be not friendly with you?

Is it that she tells him her marriage problems?

I personally don't see anything terribly wrong..Why do you think he's banging her??? Can't they just be friends?

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He says he wasn't ready to marry (too young)

 

You said that they are ex from a very long time so if there was something dormant between them they would have acted on it already. If they're attracted toward each other or in love with each other what keeps them apart? nothing. She'd leave her absent husband and they'd be together, nothing keeps them together you did not mention children.

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tinkerbell16
You said that they are ex from a very long time so if there was something dormant between them they would have acted on it already. If they're attracted toward each other or in love with each other what keeps them apart? nothing. She'd leave her absent husband and they'd be together, nothing keeps them together you did not mention children.

 

She has children with her absentee husband. I have to conclude they would have been together by now as boyfriend had been single for a number of years and she is on her second marriage so it's not out of the question they would have found a way to be together by now. I think I will just wait it out and see if any new signs appear.

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