Ariesgirly Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 (edited) Hey Everyone, I seem to be visiting this site about once a month for advice. I am highly anxious and have from the get go of my relationship I have tried to decode everything my boyfriend is doing. At the beginning he didnt bombard me with texts so I thought he wasn't interested, then I thought he wasnt interested because he was falling asleep without saying goodnight. My last post was I was freaking out because the honeymoon phase seemed to have been over too fast and I thought he had fallen out of love with me because he wasnt fawning over me. All of my worrying has been for nothing because this weekend he asked me to move in. We now have been together for 6 months and I am realizing I have unrealistic expectations of how relationships should be because all of my past ones have been so toxic. Well, since my last post we have had some bickering arguments and my anxiety always creeps in to tell me the relationship is coming to an end (because all of my past ones have) We are starting to get to that comfort stage I guess and I always have a hard time accepting that couples dont always get along. Every time we have any negative moments or bad days together I wake up depressed thinking he is about to end it. Last weekend was full of bickering on both our parts, and in the same weekend he told me he wants me to move in. He is 30 and has never lived with anyone before, and I did about 8 years ago when I was 25 that lasted for 3 months (we broke up twice before moving in so I should have known) and he told me he is serious about us. I of course interrogated him with questions..."you aren't just doing this because it will save money right? I would look at this as a serious step in our relationship, would you? Its not just some casual "oh you can just move out if it doesn't work you know, How will we split finances? What if we get in a fight?"He had an answer to everything and is ready for me to move in and asked if I want to move in next month. I feel like this is all I have ever wanted from a boyfriend, to be on the same page as me. No one has ever loved me this much and been so accepting of my flaws. I keep wondering when he will realize he is too good for me. I finally have everything I have ever wanted, but for some reason I cant be fully happy about the decision to move in because its not PERFECT. I am traumatized by my lack of thought in moving in with that past relationship that I seem to be putting too much thought into this and that is what I have been doing my entire relationship. The next morning I woke up freaking out about all the consequences if it doesn't work out wondering if I am rushing it, worrying it will make us bicker more, worrying he is the wrong person for me. I asked him if he has any hesitations or doubts and said no and that I think too much. I called my mom this morning to get perspective and have her talk me out of it and tell me its too soon and she told me she moved in with my dad after 4 months and the'yve been together 37 years now. She told me sometimes you just have to take that plunge. Are these normal relationship fear and doubts when deciding to move in? Edited May 22, 2019 by Ariesgirly Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 Is he going to dump you if you dont move in? No? Then why the rush to move in? If I knew my SO is under so much pressure to move in, gosh I def would not want to move in anymore. You certainly are not ready. So keep your space, dont move in. It's only been 6 months. Not 6 years. Enjoy the relationship as it is, enjoy your freedom. Enjoy your own time with your own thing. Moving in is not going to help with your problems. If anything it will only make it worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 So what's the deal? ... Are you in therapy for this persistent feeling of anxiety and fear? ... that will of course, lead to the very rejection you say you fear. Definitely time for some serious therapy on this. And now is the time, because you can practice soothing yourself while you're in a relationship ... way better than trying to do so when single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariesgirly Posted May 22, 2019 Author Share Posted May 22, 2019 h0000 no he definitely is not going to dump me over that. I have been having lots of thoughts about moving in before we even talked about it. I practically live there and spend about 5-6 nights a week there and we have re done the backyard and done a bunch of spring cleaning etc and he calls it "our house" so it just seems so normal to me. We both want to start our future together I think if we were in our 20s it would seem fast but in our 30s it just kind of doesn't seem that fast to me and I have a habit of second guessing myself. I did start therapy a few months ago and I quit because the therapist basically told me to go on meds and break up with him because my anxiety probably meant he wasn't right for me and I didn't want to hear either thing. I lost of job shortly after that and havent had insurance to go to one but soon I will have insurance again. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 I’m more concerned about these arguments the two of you keep having. What are they generally about and how are they resolved? While it’s normal not to get along all the time, too much fighting or bickering is a bad sign. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 Indeed. I’m not moving in with anybody after six months when we argue and bicker all the time... I am concerned that you need to be more secure in this relationship before taking this step. Do you have any assets that you need to protect OP? What are you going to do about finances and the division of labour? What about communication and conflict resolution, given the current state of the relationship? There is much to discuss before you start packing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 lt's not too fast if it's the right relationship. Your moms right if there's no dramas and everything feels good people move in much faster than that not only back in her day, now. Buttt, others seem to want a yr or two or whatever before taking that plunge for whatever reason. lf uncertainties better to wait and make sure it's right for you, because if it didn't work out living together makes breaking up hell and complicated, not to put a negative spin on you guys but just sayin. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariesgirly Posted May 22, 2019 Author Share Posted May 22, 2019 bathtub-row The arguments we have had recently have been petty things mostly on my end. He is a slow mover and I got upset that he tells me to come over to his house at 8PM (I have a key) and he shows up 30 mins later because he started his workout late, or he calls me and I call him back and it takes him an hour to get back to me. Other things include being mad when he drinks too much, the fact he has trouble saying no to people when he feels bad and invites them on our date nights or that he watches a lot of TV after work and I viewed it as lazy. I think some of the conversations we have had have been productive in the sense he said he NEEDS to watch TV after work because its how he winds down and to just let him do it even if I dont understand. I started getting upset he was falling asleep on the couch sometimes and slept there the whole night and it happened Friday and he said "just let me do it, it doesn't mean anything towards you, since I was a teenager I have always loved falling asleep on the couch, its normal for me" Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 (edited) Ru moving in because you are in your 30s and you want to do it quick? Accelerate the process? Do you want to move in, get married,have kids before you reach 35 or something? Is that what the rush is about? Honestly though, I dont see the point moving in unless you are getting married soon or you both need the financial benefits. 6 months relationship, why do you want to be on each other's face 24/7 already? Especially when you have so many frictions If he calls it " our home", and you guys discuss future together, discuss marriage with him first then. If he propose then you can move in. Otherwise I really dont think it's a good idea. Edited May 22, 2019 by h0000 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariesgirly Posted May 22, 2019 Author Share Posted May 22, 2019 h0000 he said he sees himself marrying me so that is his reasoning of why he is okay with this step. It will save us both money but I don't want to move in with someone for financial reasons. A lot of is is because I am there 6 days a week and I lug my stuff back and forth and it doesn't even make sense that I pay a rent for a place for my stuff to live. Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 If you don't want to do it for financial benefits, then wait till he propose to you first, then move in. What's the point moving in when you are not going to end up marrying each other. Why be the housewife when you arent going to be his wife in the end. Besides, the frictions you had, arent in your head, arent because you have issues, arent because you second guess things. They are real incompatibilities. You dont like him drinking, you dont like him always say yes, you dont like him watching TV, you have every right to not like these things. Theorpy is not going to make you suddenly be happy about all these. Can you see yourself put up with all these with him forever and marry him and be happy?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 It sounds like he’s way more laid back than you. Either accept that about him or leave. You don’t need to be nagging him about things like this. That’s who he is and he will not change. Love it or leave it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 Frankly I don't see a strong foundation for you two to happily accept each others differences. 6 months, simply not enough time to build a deep connection. Not surprising you guys argue so much. You spending 6 days there after merely few months is simply a bad idea, moving too fast when you arent even that compatible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariesgirly Posted May 22, 2019 Author Share Posted May 22, 2019 bathrub-row yes he is very type B and I am type A. He lets a lot of things slide. But at the same time he is a litigation attorney so he loves to argue and is stressed often and works long days so I try to remind myself that he needs to wind down. h0000 I wouldn't say he aren't compatible. We are just different. We agree on all the important values...family, religion, politics, future goals, how we like to spend our free time. We have a great time together.He always points out that my strengths are his weaknesses and vice versa. What makes you think we are not compatible? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariesgirly Posted May 22, 2019 Author Share Posted May 22, 2019 h0000 Who said I dont like drinking or TV? I drink 3-4 days a week, I just dont get too drunk. I watch TV daily, just not for hours on end after work. Like I said they are petty things. Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 being mad when he drinks too much, the fact he has trouble saying no to people when he feels bad and invites them on our date nights or that he watches a lot of TV after work and I viewed it as lazy. Just looking at what you said here. No point playing words with me. You know what you dont like. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 Just remember, it's said a guy wants the girl he married but she wants to turn him into the guy she'd love to marry, or somem like that. But it does have merit and it sounds like there's a lot of his ways that irritate you. So just realize, that's him, those are his ways. He might clean them up for a little while but it won't be him and then he'll be the irritated one. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 I don’t get the impression that the two of you are compatible either. Arguing that much when you’ve only been together such a short period of time is a red flag to me. If you continue with him, you need to lighten up big time and I don’t think that’s in your nature. He lives very spontaneously and unless you can learn to appreciate that instead of getting annoyed about, for example, friends being around on your date nights, you’ll have serious problems. Because the biggest downer to a spontaneous person is someone who can’t go with the flow - and it will cause a break up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 Like I said they are petty things. This is what concerns me You admit they are petty but you b*tching at him for it Stop that. Don’t get me wrong. If a man does something that’s really not okay then you do have to speak up and let him know. Only if it’s important. If he doesn’t turn that around you have to accept or you leave. What you don’t do is keep nagging after you already stated how you felt and he knows. If it truly is “petty” there should not be arguments to the point that you think he is going to leave you. know what I mean? If he is in the infatuation stage with you he may endure for a little while but that sh*t going to get old lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 6 months is waaaaayyyyyy too soon to move in. Living together will not quell your anxiety. Don't confuse your address with a commitment. You need to get a much better handle on yourself & your anxiety. Once you are in a healthy secure place mentally, then & only then, can you think about cohabitation as a stepping stone to a lifetime commitment. Living together for financial reasons rather than for love is a terrible idea & almost guarantees that this will fail. Rushing things further guarantees that you will fail because you don't have the foundation. Your mother is right that sometimes it's important to take risks but they need to be managed risks where you have prepared for & guarded against possible downsides. Running headlong into something without regard for potential problems is just reckless. You say he's a litigious attorney. Oh boy. When things go south, he will rake you over the coals. Attorneys don't commit easily & they are very difficult to live with. Have you been around him while he's prepping for a trial? He will be laser focused on that & will ignore you. Are you going to be OK with that? If you beg for attention during trial prep & trial you will be eaten alive because it's really hard for lawyers to get out of that cutthroat head space & be nice. I'm not sure what you mean by calling him Type B & a slow mover. I have never met a litigator like that. I do know several lawyers who are like that at home because they have learned over the years that the full force of their lawyer training, go for the jugular mindset that they need at work will destroy most personal relationships. Be careful about waking that dragon. If you have to deal with the lawyer, rather than the docile man you know, you may not survive. I think you need more time dating before you move in. These little instances of bickering need to stop altogether before you cohabitate. Lawyers are great at conflict resolution. They can disagree without being disagreeable because it's their day job. However when they think they are right, they won't back down; in your case he's not really engaging in the argument because he may know that once he's starts, he will eviscerate you without meaning to because lawyer fight to win. They also tend to forget that most people who are not lawyers can't do conflict management the way they can. It's perfectly normal for them to be passionately arguing with somebody one minute & having a drink with them 5 minutes later. So what is driving these squabbles? Finally before moving it, talk about division of labor, finances & expectations. To an attorney this will be like negotiating any other deal. Spelling it all out prevents problems later. For you, it will force you to think this through, which I have yet to see you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 (edited) No way Jose am I moving in with this guy after six months. You don’t sound particularly compatible, he actually sounds quite immature which is odd considering he is an attorney, and I would be considered about his drinking. Edited May 22, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 6 months is way too soon to move in together under the best of circumstances, and it certainly doesn't seem like you have those. Living together will only intensify any issues you have, not improve them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 h0000 Who said I dont like drinking or TV? I drink 3-4 days a week, I just dont get too drunk. I watch TV daily, just not for hours on end after work. Like I said they are petty things. What would you rather he do after work than watch TV? Link to post Share on other sites
Jay1971 Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 h0000 Who said I dont like drinking or TV? I drink 3-4 days a week, I just dont get too drunk. I watch TV daily, just not for hours on end after work. Like I said they are petty things. You said he gets angry when he drinks, is that right? The other stuff is minor to me, but an angry drunk is a HUGE red flag. Is that how he copes with work stress? I wouldn't be moving in with anyone who does that personally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GTR King Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 I would give it at least year at the earliest before even thinking about moving in together Link to post Share on other sites
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