Honest talks

[Crosswords]

Hey everyone,

 

Been in a relationship with a my girlfriend for the past 5 months. We have A LOT of sex, spend about 3 days of the week together - 1 weekday and weekend, text moderately (neither needy), weekend getaways (two since the start), and just booked a 2.5 week trip to Europe for August yesterday, always going on dates and cooking together.

 

Now, the thing with her is she tells me EVERYTHING on her mind in terms of how she feels about me and such. Which I can appreciate but it does have its own sharpness and creation of problems being 100% transparent with a partner. We just about broke up this weekend because of it, because I feel like she’s not satisfied with me in the relationship fully. It’s like the 80/20 rule. 80 is good but she often focuses on the 20.

 

Said she doesn’t feel like we have intellectual compatibility at all and that I dont intellectually inspire her. This is because we have different educational backgrounds and also due to growing up in different geographical terrains - Europe for her, Canada for me. Says it’s a very big thing for her.

She says I do inspire her emotionally and overall our relationship inspires her to be better. We have a very strong emotional and physical connection.

 

It feels like she wants all areas to be top notch. Looking for perfect. And because it’s not all perfect she vacillates in and out. She has even compared me to her ex or first relationship mentioning how they had these. Albeit, they took time. But comparing 1.5 year relationship with our 5 month one.

 

I’ve told her I loved her back at the start of April. She hasn’t said it yet. But her actions convey love. But her words doooo not

 

This morning I woke up and I feel like no matter what I do or if I alter a way of my being As to be receptive to her, it won’t be enough and we’re doomed.

 

Thoughts?

 

Thanks

[mark clemson]

Some people don't have the whole "don't let perfect be the enemy of really good" thing down so well.

 

You can point this out to her, but ultimately it's going to be her life and her choices.

[gaius]

When I first met my wife I knew this stunning, beautiful, sexy, smart and stubborn woman was the one for me. But I was somewhat feral and there were things I didn't do particularly well so I practiced and worked to sharpen those skills. So that at the end of the day she came away just as stimulated by me as I was by her.

 

I don't think you'd be changing your being or who you are by being able to take her out to dinner once a month and talk to her in a way that would leave her intellectual panties wet. It would just be another tool in your toolbox, if you chose to develop it. First off you should sit down and decide if she's the one for you though, because half assing it to the point where you stay together but refuse to satisfy her is probably the worst thing you could do.

[Gaeta]

I am Canadian and my BF is from Europe. We talk often about our cultural differences and he did mention to me how women from his country value men with a high intellect. I told him most women in North America enjoy a man that's handy and hard working like he is. It comes from being descendants of settlers. 400 years ago when our ancestors settled here a woman needed a strong man capable of putting a roof over her head and strong enough to hunt food for her and their children. Fast forward 4 centuries and women here still value a man that can build things over a man that knows Shakespeare by heart..... It's not like that in Europe. Different history, different values transmitted from generation to generation.

 

 

 

This is not a good partner for you.

[JuneL]

I don’t understand how you can still find her sexy after being put down by her like that. She’s free to find a guy who is intellectually stimulating (to her), but it’s very rude to date someone whom she looks down on.

[Crosswords]

I don’t understand how you can still find her sexy after being put down by her like that. She’s free to find a guy who is intellectually stimulating (to her), but it’s very rude to date someone whom she looks down on.

I agree that it is quite rude and slightly disrespectful of her to say. But it is how she feels I suppose. She has no interest in finding anyone else; it is something that concerns her though.

 

The one thing which I find to be annoying, is that she just assumes a lot. Rarely does she bring up a topic which she has received radio silence from me. So it’s not like she initiates conversations and I’m completely lost or have an inability to follow. I do believe she expects to be engaged by the man. And if she is not she will come to the conclusion that we don’t have this in common.

 

I still find her attractive because I believe the intellectual connection to only be a small portion. There are other areas that are very rich with connection. However these may be being glossed over as she feels she is bored in another area.

 

Many people I find do this. Look at what’s lacking and expand that, as opposed to seeing what’s there. Then when there is a breakup we saw what was really there but it’s too late

[Crosswords]

When I first met my wife I knew this stunning, beautiful, sexy, smart and stubborn woman was the one for me. But I was somewhat feral and there were things I didn't do particularly well so I practiced and worked to sharpen those skills. So that at the end of the day she came away just as stimulated by me as I was by her.

 

I don't think you'd be changing your being or who you are by being able to take her out to dinner once a month and talk to her in a way that would leave her intellectual panties wet. It would just be another tool in your toolbox, if you chose to develop it. First off you should sit down and decide if she's the one for you though, because half assing it to the point where you stay together but refuse to satisfy her is probably the worst thing you could do.

 

This is how I’ve been looking at it; an opportunity to grow.

 

I can choose to be offended and let her go. Opt for a different woman who appreciates me for just how I am.

Or

I can choose to look at an area which maybe I personally need to engage further in to and cultivate those skills which in turn develops a more interesting character.

 

Currently going route 2.

[lurker74]

If instead of saying you weren't intellectually stimulating enough to her she said you had a too small of a penis, how would you feel? If she didn't like your race, would you be asking us what to do? She said that you don't intellectually stimulate her. It's one thing to ask a partner to pay more attention to certain areas we like, be it art, culture, NASCAR, or whatever, be what she said about you was something you cannot change. So pretend she said you are too small or the wrong race and decide what you would do about that, since that is also something you cannot change.

 

I suspect the answer will be easy to determine.

[JuneL]

Why don’t you tell your gf you used to date women with a body like Gisele Bundchen. She’s free to “grow” into a woman like that with the right diet and exercise.

[Orokotikki]

Its not your job to "inspire" her. You will always be chasing some checkbox or approval from her which will be just out of reach. Dump her and move on.

[alphamale]

you need to teach her a lesson

[h0000]

Are you sure its 80 good for her? Cuz if a SO said that to me I would have interpreted as he wants to breakup

It sounds like she thinks shes settling for someone who is too dumb for her. Sounds like shes thinking "he is so nice,but just really not smart as I want. Hmm.. maybe I'll just let it roll for now"

 

OP what do you think will happen if she meets someone really smart down the road?

[elaine567]

Said she doesn’t feel like we have intellectual compatibility at all and that I dont intellectually inspire her. This is because we have different educational backgrounds and also due to growing up in different geographical terrains - Europe for her, Canada for me. Says it’s a very big thing for her.

That sounds like that is indeed a very big thing.

That sounds like a deal-breaker, which I guess it will be eventually.

[JuneL]

That sounds like that is indeed a very big thing.

That sounds like a deal-breaker, which I guess it will be eventually.

 

If it’s a dealbreaker, she shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with him and gone on to insult him. As simple as that.

[todreaminblue]

This is how I’ve been looking at it; an opportunity to grow.

 

I can choose to be offended and let her go. Opt for a different woman who appreciates me for just how I am.

Or

I can choose to look at an area which maybe I personally need to engage further in to and cultivate those skills which in turn develops a more interesting character.

 

Currently going route 2.

 

i feel she is good for you.....because you don't want to rest on your laurels but develop a more rounded character....is there anything about her you feel needs some developing? be honest with her as she is with you..motivating each other to be able to hold your own in different aspects to develop areas you arent so good at .....is awesome.......and in my opinion is a good thing...its how you grow...and not stagnate......deb

[Crosswords]

If instead of saying you weren't intellectually stimulating enough to her she said you had a too small of a penis, how would you feel? If she didn't like your race, would you be asking us what to do? She said that you don't intellectually stimulate her. It's one thing to ask a partner to pay more attention to certain areas we like, be it art, culture, NASCAR, or whatever, be what she said about you was something you cannot change. So pretend she said you are too small or the wrong race and decide what you would do about that, since that is also something you cannot change.

 

I suspect the answer will be easy to determine.

 

Well, intellect is a trait and skill which can be grown. Penis size or race is a fixed trait. I do understand what you’re saying though.

[h0000]

If it’s a dealbreaker, she shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with him

 

But lots of people "settle", for whatever reason.

 

The way she phrased it, sounds like it's rather a significant downside, not just some minor 20%. Makes me feel she's with him mostly because she hasnt met her dream guy yet.

[Crosswords]

Its not your job to "inspire" her. You will always be chasing some checkbox or approval from her which will be just out of reach. Dump her and move on.

 

Yes. This hasn’t been the first thing which she’s commented on. I’m just curious if she’s projecting her own insecurities and somehow making it my issue.

[elaine567]

If it’s a dealbreaker, she shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with him and gone on to insult him. As simple as that.

 

No doubt she got carried away with the strong emotional and physical connection, now she is looking for a deeper connection and is struggling to find it.

[Crosswords]

But lots of people "settle", for whatever reason.

 

The way she phrased it, sounds like it's rather a significant downside, not just some minor 20%. Makes me feel she's with him mostly because she hasnt met her dream guy yet.

 

Everyone settles at some point as they believe that’s the best they’ll find. I think if anyone met their dream person but was with someone else, they would trade up.

[Crosswords]

No doubt she got carried away with the strong emotional and physical connection, now she is looking for a deeper connection and is struggling to find it.

 

Meaning she’s getting greedy about things?

[Crosswords]

i feel she is good for you.....because you don't want to rest on your laurels but develop a more rounded character....is there anything about her you feel needs some developing? be honest with her as she is with you..motivating each other to be able to hold your own in different aspects to develop areas you arent so good at .....is awesome.......and in my opinion is a good thing...its how you grow...and not stagnate......deb

 

I actually do believe this is true.

Her feedback and perspective, as sharp as it is, does hold some opportunity for my own growth if I do choose to develop that.

I mean, if she wasn’t really interested, she would just leave and break up. It’s not like she would struggle for options.

And yes, there are aspects she can work on; just like everyone else

[h0000]

Everyone settles at some point as they believe that’s the best they’ll find.

 

I dont think she believes you are the best she will find. Or she wouldn't be complaining, and comparing you to her exs.

 

You said she hasnt said I love you back, I think you know deep down she has doubts about you.

 

She is interested in you of course, interested enough to stay for now. But it's not 100% interest. Just up to you whether you think it's good enough.

Edited May 21, 2019 by h0000

[elaine567]

Meaning she’s getting greedy about things?

 

Meaning she isn't finding the intellectual stimulation she wants.

Easy to get into a relationship and gloss over the incompatibilities, once it is time to take stock, these incompatibilities start to matter. She wants a partner to inspire her intellectually, someone I guess who she feels is "above" her and presents a challenge to her. Someone she can learn something from.

She may be feeling she has already "outgrown" you.

[h0000]

Rarely does she bring up a topic which she has received radio silence from me. So it’s not like she initiates conversations and I’m completely lost or have an inability to follow.

 

 

I still find her attractive because I believe the intellectual connection to only be a small portion.

 

 

Sounds like you think you can talk back and that's good enough, but she thinks your answer is rather dull, not critical/deep enough to stimulate her interest. While you believe this is not that big of a deal, she thinks it's vital.

 

Does she normally date professionals or scholars?

 

You should always look for ways to grow, sure. But you need to realize most people just cant be as intellectual as Darwin, Einstein or Aristotle. And if that's the type she's attracted to, I really dont think you can ever be intellectual enough for her.

 

So keep growing yourself, but not for her. For yourself.