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Am I a rebound? *Picking up small red flags*


Smithy82

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So I've (37) been exclusive with a girl (25) for 6 weeks. We see each other every other day and it's been progressing nicely. I've worked with her for years so we knew each other a while before dating. This last January, she finally ended a long term off-and-on again relationship with a bf of around 6 years. Apparently he was the overly-controlling type and didn't let her hang with friends etc. She has a history of depression and anxiety. She seems to avoid confrontation.

 

Everything has been going very well for us. But there are 2 situations which have been off - firstly, around 3 weeks ago she came to me at night and randomly goes, "I'm feeling upset. My ex just messaged me asking me to come over and sleep with him." She explained she was upset because the ex wasn't practicing appropriate boundaries. I don't know what she wanted me to say and I said something jokingly like, "Well if you go now I'll probably be able to finish a movie by the time you get back.." which she didn't like lol. But really, in this situation, I think it's her place to handle this text message. I later asked, "So did you tell him anything? Did you tell him you're seeing someone?" She said she didn't reply and was thinking of blocking the number. She said she hadn't told him she was dating me.

 

Ironically I also had an ex reach out to me a few days later, to which I spurned their advances. I told my gf about it and at that point she said the day before she had also told her ex about her seeing me. I just went, "Oh. ok."

 

The last thing that was odd was from last week. She was going on a vacation with her parents out of state so the prior week we planned to hang out a lot. I had to leave Thursday morning to do some work so I left her place at 8 am. I got back to her place at 9 pm. So I tell her how my day went and ask if she had a productive day. She said, "My sister and I went to Target. Then I got some Chik-fil-a but it didn't sit well so I felt sick and I've been resting since." So then she said she was hungry and ordered something to pickup. When she goes to the door I get up to join and she says, "Do you want to just stay here while I pick it up?" (Which she's never offered before). I go, "Uh.. why would I do that? That's weird." She goes, "Ok." So on the way down the stairwell she basically runs down the steps so by the time I get to her car she's already in there messing with the passenger seat (Which makes sense because I'm big and if her sister was riding shotgun the seat would have been adjusted, but I don't know why she'd need to leave me behind to do that..) As we're driving she motions to the backseat and I look and there's a huge flat screen TV taking up the entire seat. She goes, "My sister and I went to my ex's so I could pick up my TV. I stayed in the car and she went up and got it and brought it down."

 

So the weird thing about it is that her ex lives in a completely different city. Like 45 min. from the Target she says her and her sis. So to leave that out when I asked how her day went was a little odd. And the trying to get me to stay at her place when she got food. And the running to her car. I wonder if she would have even mentioned it at all if I hadn't been in the car and saw the TV.

 

I've talked to people at work that are mutual friends with us and knew my gf better than I did back when she was in that toxic relationship with her ex and a few have said, "Be careful" or "tread lightly" Lol

 

I'm all for letting people do what they do. You can't change people. I'm not one to give ultimatums or control gf's. I basically see what they do and how they are, and then decide if it's for me or not. I've talked to her a little bit about these things, and always in a non confrontational manner. But if I'm in a relationship I expect the other person to be honest, open, and committed. Maybe to give her the benefit of the doubt, she's trying to shore up all her connections with her ex so she can move on and that's why she went to pick up the last of her things that were over there. What do yall think?

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Versacehottie

In fairness, i'm skimmed the story (i'll go back I promise). The gist I got is that you seem like a great person & handle your side of things very well, reasonably. It's just a gut feeling no real thing for sure but I also say tread carefully. One thing that stood out is the wimpy way she complained about her ex contacting her. Like she was powerless and either expected you to move mountains or make her feel better about something that was out of each of your controls. Well she could have more control if she blocked him but I digress. Then a little while later obviously has seen him for the TV--so to me, their dynamic is still playing out, back and forth, hot and cold.

 

The thing about on-off relationships (psychologically speaking) is that they trick the brain (for lack of a better term) into getting MORE attached, each time you go back and forth. In some ways, your brain ends up believing it's a "thing" bigger than the both of you and that you are powerless against it. Similar to addictive behavior. Ummm oddly familiar to her statement of being upset that he reached out. If she was done, she would just say so, cut him off, not respond or whatever along THOSE lines. Red flags, my friend, red flags.

 

Good luck. I hope I'm wrong but think they may be more to work through for this to survive. And then if you make it through that maybe you'll be in the clear.

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Don't be naive to the point that she's basically banging her ex behind your back. I am 38 and equally as chill but unfortunately you need eyes on the back of your head and you already sense something is amiss, which it probably is.

 

 

 

Are you the rebound? You most certainly are. When was the last time you brought up your old 90's girlfriend to your current girlfriend? You didn't because you are over her and she isn't over buddy, not even close.

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rebound aside, do you think she is mature enough to date you? Do you two have things in common? Does her life style mingle with yours? Does her friend circle fit in yours?

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Lotsgoingon

Her response to the ex's call ... huge, flaming red flag. Hit the pause and analyze button immediately.

 

As in do not push things forward ... Her getting upset ... is a sign that she's likely still attracted to him ... so she's mad that he made a play for her. She's not saying loudly "no, I do not want to be with you ... do not call me again."

 

And she's hiding stuff and giving you suddenly weird answers ... I'm going to bet that she has in fact been in communication with the ex. Not saying she's slept with him, but something is up.

 

Do not let this all pass ... do NOT be understanding. Either she wants to be with you with all her heart or she doesn't. And if she wants to be with you, she needs to tell you up front what's going on ... and not run ahead of you (is this third grade) ... and then have to explain a bizarre tv seat in the backseat.

 

Red flags and red lights. Heed ... pause ... something ain't right in Denmark.

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I brought it up with her today and she said that after he had sent that text she replied a day or two later explaining that she was seeing someone. She says it was then that he got upset and told her to come get her TV (the only thing that was hers still at his place). So that was that. The racing to the car she didn't really have an explanation other than she's just anxious and weird at times (this is true). She admitted she was a little scared at first to tell me she had to go to her ex's because she wasn't sure how I'd take it. I told her the not being up front about it is what makes it look weirder.

 

Really, if she was being shady and wanted to cover up, she could have just never mentioned the text from the ex. Or just said the TV was from a friend and never even mention going to his place. She's the one that left him, and if she wanted she could be with him and not me.

 

During talking I asked if she had any other things she needed from his place. She said she didn't and that she didn't have any need to contact him at all from this point on. Even before I was dating her she had already blocked him on facebook so it's not like they were that connected. So I feel we made progress.

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Eternal Sunshine

She is 25 and in her prime. She can have her pick of hot young men. If it's not her ex it will be someone else. You better have a lot of money or what's in it for her? I have never seen this end well for the older guy.

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Versacehottie

sounds like good enough explanation from her regarding the ex DIRECTLY. I'd be more worried (not that you should live that way!) that INDIRECTLY she seems skittish--keep an eye on that part. But yeah, I agree, you made progress. Good luck and let us know how it continues :)

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It's not always about whether they'd like to go back to the ex or not. Sometimes, even after dumping someone, you still need time to process and grieve the end of a relationthip. And you only realise that after actually getting involved with someone else.

 

I was in your shoes once, same situation, she had dumped the guy, said she'd never go back to him, etc. The situation didn't end well for me at all. Be cautious. All signs point to he rnot being ready for anything serious with you.

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The Outlaw

Evidently, their relationship didn't end in an official capacity if she's still communicating with him. Six years, off and on or not, is a long time. She either doesn't have the willpower to tell his butt off, or she's far from over him. Any off behavior from her should be your cue to run. Trust me, as much as things have progressed nicely for you, she'll only drag you down.

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That TV is pretty significant.

Today is the first day of the real end of their relationship, she has now nothing left at his and he knows she is seeing someone else. No-one gets over 6 year relationships easily.

I wouldn't get too invested here if I were you.

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She gave detail on how she handled his text. She initially told him "that's not going to happen, ____." And then the next day is when she told him about dating me and then he got upset and spitefully said something like, "Well come and get your TV then." And also said the reason she was upset at his text was because during one of their breaks he basically forced himself on her or something, and she resents him for that and being treated like a sex object. So when he sent the message she got upset because it drummed up those old feelings of being used as an object.

 

Early on I didn't have any expectations. I was okay with just dating casually or being fwb. She was the one to ask about being exclusive. I've even told her if she needs time to process things or w/e I wouldn't hold it against her but she seems to really be into me.

 

Anyways, wish me luck lol

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Dating is a tryout if it isn't going right move on quick. I wouldn't loiter.

 

You've heard her side of the story but there are always two.

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Lotsgoingon

I like your thinking ... she's odd ... but yes, her explanation makes sense ...

 

The part that is odd is to think that you wouldn't understand her telling you she left a tv at the bf's ... Kinda odd and socially clumsy to not understand that telling you she's going to get a tv from an ex isn't going to upset you. Just keep an eye on that, as someone else said.

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ExpatInItaly

I think you’re going to find that she’s just not ready to date anyone else yet. There’s obviously still some unfinished emotional business with her ex, and she’ll need time to heal from that before another relationship will be viable.

 

I don’t think she has malicious intentions, but I also think she’s young and inexperienced at dating. She was with this guy since she was a teen, and doesn’t have much experience beyond him. There’s a lot for her to learn about how mature and healthy relationships work, as evidenced by the awkward way she’s been dealing with this situation. Continue seeing her if you like, but do so with the understanding that you’re very likely to encounter a lot of bumps in the road with her.

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Early on I didn't have any expectations. I was okay with just dating casually or being fwb.

 

You are 37, what are you actually doing with your life?

Dating some 25 yo is short term stuff.

Next time you look up you are going to be forty, what is the plan here?

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You are 37, what are you actually doing with your life?

Dating some 25 yo is short term stuff.

Next time you look up you are going to be forty, what is the plan here?

 

I would like to settle down in the next few years. Just haven't met the one yet. I have a good job and almost have my house paid off, and that's kind of been my focus at this time. I'm very active and don't look my age and I can still pass as in my 20's. I haven't really been trying to rush anything but if something good comes along, so be it. If it doesn't then it is what it is.

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Smithy82 wrote: I would like to settle down in the next few years.

 

Maybe time to ditch the dating casually and fwbs and a 25yo just out of a long term relationship..

 

She has "unfinished business" with her ex, you will be the one to get hurt here.

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Smithy82 wrote: I would like to settle down in the next few years.

 

Maybe time to ditch the dating casually and fwbs and a 25yo just out of a long term relationship..

 

She has "unfinished business" with her ex, you will be the one to get hurt here.

 

Well, yeah. That's why her and I are in a committed relationship now. That's whay I'd prefer. So I gave up the other girls I was seeing for this. And one I really liked but was willing to cut her off and go no contact.

 

I dunno about the unfinished business. I calmly offered her the opportunity for us to take a step back and figure out her ex situation.. for us to be more casual but she strongly disagreed and said that part of her life is finished. While I think she's awkward and as someone pointed out before she might be new to how a healthy relationship works, I'll give her a chance. Again, she got the TV, the last thing connecting her and the ex so maybe she is finally disconnected. Also, while trying to be humble, I have a lot of attributes and qualities girls like. Girls are usually after me. So despite my age, I consider myself a catch and an upgrade from the ex. And I know she's very into me in how she wants to see me 24/7. I think I may finally be the one to show her what a real man and a real relationship is.

 

Anyways, I am not blind to the risk involved. It may end up blowing up in my face. But if that happens, so be it. I won't play the "woe is me" if if it does. What's meant to be will happen.

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You are just the rebound bud, all the signs are there. "She wants to be with me 24/7" yes, because you skipped ahead to the 6yr mark. She has slotted you in where her ex was, this is laughable and ends abruptly once the rebounder realizes they need to heal after the break up. She also uses you as emotional support over this.

 

 

 

Also all this ex BS and drama, I'd be gone the first second I heard that crap.

 

 

As someone else said, find someone closer to your age and put this stuff behind you where it should be. Just remember actions > words which you are about to find out from her.

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You are just the rebound bud, all the signs are there. "She wants to be with me 24/7" yes, because you skipped ahead to the 6yr mark. She has slotted you in where her ex was, this is laughable and ends abruptly once the rebounder realizes they need to heal after the break up. She also uses you as emotional support over this.

 

 

 

Also all this ex BS and drama, I'd be gone the first second I heard that crap.

 

 

As someone else said, find someone closer to your age and put this stuff behind you where it should be. Just remember actions > words which you are about to find out from her.

 

Yea of little faith. But you might be right. Though she was single and living alone for 4 months in between her breakup and when we first went out. Maybe she processed some during that time..? Who knows. Again. SHE left HIM. And didn't go back to him for months. And then chose to see ME. And then told him she wouldn't randomly sleep with him. And that she's seeing me. And he spitefully said for her to pick up the TV. So she did. She had many opportunities to go back but yet... Do you think it just may be possible for someone to still be getting over the past while still progressing in a new relationship? It's a cup-half-full perspective, but I think it is. We'll find out.

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The rebound situation may not be about wanting "the Loved one" back but more about slotting the new person straight into the space "the Loved one" occupied.

The rebound is just a substitute, someone they just grabbed onto and and someone they don't really know.

Once they realise that, the relationship starts to get stormy and usually ends, as the rebound is then seen as not the "right" person.

 

The rebound is devastated as they have never felt so much love, it all felt great, real love and affection almost from day one. They felt like they had found "the one"...

 

Dumpers usually do not get into rebound situations, but if the dumper feels they had no option but to leave and/or they still have a lot of feelings for the other person, then they may slot a rebound into their life to make themselves feel better.

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The rebound situation may not be about wanting "the Loved one" back but more about slotting the new person straight into the space "the Loved one" occupied.

The rebound is just a substitute, someone they just grabbed onto and and someone they don't really know.

Once they realise that, the relationship starts to get stormy and usually ends, as the rebound is then seen as not the "right" person.

 

The rebound is devastated as they have never felt so much love, it all felt great, real love and affection almost from day one. They felt like they had found "the one"...

 

Dumpers usually do not get into rebound situations, but if the dumper feels they had no option but to leave and/or they still have a lot of feelings for the other person, then they may slot a rebound into their life to make themselves feel better.

 

This may be the case. I don't know if I'd be devastated as I've entered this with real expectations (as in, no real expectations lol) so if it ends I'll just move on and enjoy it for the fun times it was.

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The rebound situation may not be about wanting "the Loved one" back but more about slotting the new person straight into the space "the Loved one" occupied.

The rebound is just a substitute, someone they just grabbed onto and and someone they don't really know.

Once they realise that, the relationship starts to get stormy and usually ends, as the rebound is then seen as not the "right" person.

 

The rebound is devastated as they have never felt so much love, it all felt great, real love and affection almost from day one. They felt like they had found "the one"...

 

Dumpers usually do not get into rebound situations, but if the dumper feels they had no option but to leave and/or they still have a lot of feelings for the other person, then they may slot a rebound into their life to make themselves feel better.

 

 

Nailed it exactly.

 

 

A few years ago I met a girl on match, and I had already been bumped by a rebounder so I was well aware of the buzz saw these can be. Her relationship had ended "6 months ago" so I thought it might be ok, but still knew something was up. When we met for a date she actually held my hand on the way into the bar. Yes. First meet and she held my hand, if that isn't a "slot in" I don't know what is.

 

 

 

We then went for a walk and she was holding my hand again, kissing me and I had learned that her relationship didn't end 6 months ago, it was 2 months ago and sounded like she was dumped and asked to move out, so she did, moved home and made a dating profile right away - what all modern rebounders do.

 

 

At this point I knew she was a class A rebounder and typically these ones vanish unexpectedly, which makes me believe these rebounders are behind the ghosting epidemic.

 

 

The next morning I got a "miss you and can't wait to see you tonight" text, xx oo and then *POOF* she was never to be seen again. Dating profile deleted, etc. Right on schedule!

Edited by CLS63AMG
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