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Should I mention this in 1st message


dragonwalker

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dragonwalker

So I've been on OKC for quite some time several years and rarely do I receive any sort of likes or acknowledgments to my messages. On very rare occasions I will receive a like AND a message. Finally, for the rarest of all occasions I will receive a like, a message and my initial feeling is mutual. I'm talking maybe once a year.

 

Not long ago I made a change to my profile which I have a feeling has been increasing positive responses of all kinds. I am an atheist and up until recently I listed this as one of my quick summary items so basically one of the first things people would see when they saw my profile. It's not really an important aspect of my life but I will defend my position if asked. In fact I believe religion has done greater good for humanity in general and truthfully I wish that I am wrong and a higher benevolent power exists but I digress. I don't believe I would have any problem being with someone that believes in god but I wouldn't want that person to expect me to reciprocate or hope that I convert one day. I'm not going to say I never would but I believe it's highly unlikely given my experiences and attitude on the matter.

 

I took that tag off my profile because I noticed a pretty consistent pattern that many people seem to include aspects of religion in their profile. And ofcourse the women who likes, messages, and I like what she has to say and I find her attractive is religious. What I mean by this is she lists "Christian (and it's important)" in her dating tag info. She lists the Bible first among her favorite books, she likes Christian songs, she has God listed top of her valued items above the standard items people list. In one of her profile questions about How important religion/God is she selected "Extremely Important"...

 

I really do like what she has to say about her passions and what she is looking for. She comes across to me as someone kind, compassionate, intelligent and attractive to me. Truthfully the part about her faith and religion were a single word/words and a sentence in an otherwise longer and detailed profile but it was there enough to make me notice.

 

I might be overthinking this but I'm considering adding in my first message to her the fact that I'm an atheist. Do you think that's a good idea? Should I mention this during the time we might chat before even meeting or is it something to leave until we meet if ever we do?

 

I just don't want to be dishonest about it. I wouldn't lie if asked about it but I can see myself being evasive if I weren't asked directly. Are these things better said sooner than later? I'm also asking in general as well. I can't remember exactly but I think I've chatted, talked to and even met people since I've taken off that part about me being atheist and it never came up because it either wasn't on people's profile or only seemed to be a minor part of it.

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Fellow athiest here. For this situation, I'd use the term "I have no religion, but I respect the religious beliefs of others" also mention something complimentary about her passion and beliefs.

 

That said, even if you have no religion, you may not get a look in. I guess it depends on whether or not she's open to the ideas of others.

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PegNosePete

Normally I wouldn't mention it but since she makes such a big deal, and it's so likely to be a deal-breaker for her, then yes mention it. Most likely she won't be interested in dating an atheist so it's best to get it out of the way right off the bat rather than leading her and yourself along.

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If she's serious about her religion and you're an atheist, don't even waste your or her time. It will come out eventually.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Yes, I would mention it, and tell her what you told us here. Then she gets to decide if it's something she'd be willing to pursue.

 

As an aside.....I don't know how old you are, but you may say it's not a big deal to you now, but 20 years from now if you got married, had a family, etc., it could be. This very issue is ruining my sister's marriage because her husband, the atheist, has decided he is NOT ok with anyone being Christian, especially his own children. Just food for thought.

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Veronica73

I’m agnostic. And in general, I’d not consider that it is important to mention in a message. I’m fine with other people’s mainstream religious beliefs. But with her giving such weight to religion in her profile, I’d probably mention my agnosticism. Just because she placed such weight on it.

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My religious view is close to yours. I’m open to learn about different religions, but I can’t be too close to those who try to impose their own religion on others.

 

Since she put such an absolute emphasis on her religion in her profile, I can’t see how you can be compatible. Instead of stating your religious view in your first message, I’d just politely turn her down. In case you just want to have some casual fun with her (instead of something potentially serious), then there’s no need to talk about religions at all.

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Actually I think you should not message her at all. You two are fundamentally incompatible. She's not going to be tolerant of your beliefs & will attack you for them, even though they are open minded.

 

It's one thing for an atheist or agnostic to be with somebody who identifies as a certain religion but who isn't going to services regularly. It's something else altogether when the other persons lists religion as one of the most important things in their life.

 

I am a cradle Catholic. I would be OK with your stated position of tolerance as long as you went to weddings & maybe the occasional funeral with me (if I needed to lean on you) but I have rarely met a Devout Christian who can tolerate anybody's belief if that person is not in lock step with them.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
She's not going to be tolerant of your beliefs & will attack you for them, even though they are open minded.

 

I have rarely met a Devout Christian who can tolerate anybody's belief if that person is not in lock step with them.

 

It is the exact opposite with my sister, a Christian who never goes to church or really speaks about her faith at all, and her husband, a staunch atheist who believes anyone who believes in God is mentally ill. He's the "attacking" one who is intolerant of anyone who doesn't believe the way he does (to the point he's cut off all of "us" and his entire family).

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I have to agree with d0nnivain. My experience with devout Christians especially has been exactly what she outlined. The fact that she put that much weight on it in her profile means you'll likely seldom have a conversation where it's not brought up.

 

I consider myself spiritual but not religious and I was once involved with a very religious man. Even my spirituality was drawn into question because it wasn't all about God and Jesus. He was also a horrible person but that's a whole different matter entirely!

 

If you must, no, I wouldn't mention it. The reason is because you won't have to; she will.

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Cautiously Optomistic -- In this case the OP said he was pretty tolerant.

 

I give your sister a lot of credit. I'm not a big fan of people on any subject who insist on trying to cram their position down other people's throats.

 

dragonwalker -- if you do message her I think you best tell her up front what you told us & let her decide with all the facts in front of her.

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If anyone says in their profile they're Christian and it's important, they will have no interest in you, so don't waste your time.

 

I would put something like that you're not classically religious but that you respect other people's choices so long as they are tolerant of others.

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The Outlaw

Being upfront about it over a message is the best way to go. If you continue to hear back from her, cool. If not, move on.

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dragonwalker

I decided to message her with a friendly intro and to let her know I am atheist. I'll let her decide if she wants to go further. I figure what do I have to lose? These chances come once in several blue moons.

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