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I've been with boyfriend for 8 years now. We have had our bad patches and arguments, but the past couple of years have been really good, good communication, great sex, laughter, good times generally. We don't live together due to work commitments in different areas and financial issues, but we have talked about it for the future.

 

Yesterday morning we were sitting in bed having a cuppa and out of the blue he put his hand on my hip, like on the side of my bottom and said "Why don't you get injections here?" I really could not fathom what he meant, the only thing I thought he could mean was injections to make my butt bigger, so I felt really offended by his comment. I asked him what he meant, that I thought his comment was either really odd... or that he meant I should have work done on my behind, and he gave an even stranger answer: "All I meant was why not have injections in there because that's where children have them..."

 

What a bizarre thing to say, basically I think he didn't expect me to get upset by his comment and he had no idea how to defend himself. I have had a hard time at work the past few weeks, I wondered was he trying to make me laugh, like in a wind me up and annoy me way... but although he can do that sometimes, I mean the sense of humour, I really feel offended by his comment. He did not say that he was trying to make me laugh or wind me up, he just kept repeating the weird thing about children.... and now is telling me I overreacted and misunderstood him and took it the wrong way and that now he is afraid to even speak to me as I "always misunderstand things".

 

I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally don't understand him at all and way back in the past, when we had problems, one of them back in 2010 and 2011, was that he made some snarky, semi-jokey comments about my breasts, my hair and my other parts of my figure and appearance, including getting hold of the back bit of my arms and telling me "You need to be careful". This has thrown me right back into those horrible feelings again.

 

A good friend says men can just be idiots and say insensitive things, but I donÄt buy that men are insensitive malarkey. She thinks I should just forgive him though and try to forget it. But I want to get to the bottom of it, pardon the pun. I feel like he is picking at my flaws again. I have a smallish bottom, but proportionate, and like every woman, especially as we get older, some stretch marks and maybe flatter, droopier parts. Where he put his hand was a part that is not so "perfect" and it feels like he was telling me I need a butt lift. What makes it even worse is that we are currently on holiday and I was only JUST starting to relax from work stress. Now I want to fly home early.

 

I am 50 years old and in really good shape and am told all the time I look good. The other day my new hairdresser thought I was in my twenties. Although I am certainly NOT seeking flattery, I know I am fit and healthy for my age, have good skin and am slim with decent enough curves in the right places, but heck, I am no Kardashian!! I certainly did not expect to have jibes made about my body while on holiday either!!!

 

Am I overreacting?? He says I am and that he is now afraid to even open his mouth.

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"All I meant was why not have injections in there because that's where children have them..."

 

It's not only insensitive, it's just plain bizarre? Where children have them????????? What the hell does that mean?

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stillafool

He originally made that comment meaning he wishes you had a bigger butt. He then tried to clean it up with the "that's where children........".

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curlygirl40

I would also love to know what 'That's where children have them' is supposed to mean. What the actual f?

 

I don't think I could be with someone like this because he has proven that he's not willing to look past any of his perceived imperfections in you and just love you for who you are. Doesn't matter if you're slim or if you're carrying extra weight or whatever. He has shown with this comment (and others in the past) that he's judging your looks and your body shape and for some reason thinks you should do something about it. It's insensitive for one but for another, I would rather be with a guy who loves me flaws and all and doesn't feel the need to point them out to me.

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Gretchen12

I think he's talking about meds like flu shots. When I was hospitalized, they gave me injections on my butt. But if you go get flu shots they give it to you on the arm.

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You should tell him he needs to get a brain injection. Why can't men just accept women how they are and not want them all to look like all the fake boobs and butts on reality tv?

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Haha, I'm laughing because he knew he F'ED instantly and his remark about children getting them there was his lame attempt to say vaccination when he meant butt implants.

 

With that being said, I've been in his shoes. My wife has small breast big B small C. She will only buy water or jel filled bras since our 20's. One day I made the comment that she should just get implants. In saying so, I was intending on making her feel ok with what I assumed she wanted, I'm no boob man and I've always thought hers were a perfect hand full. That, of course isnt how she took it. After I said it, I instantly realized or remembered that since I've met her she has been somewhat insecure about her size, she was an A until she had our first child. Apologies dont really help.

 

Yeah we can be insensitive at times because we dont know how insecure some are about body issues. Or how our comments can make women feel we are unhappy with thier bodies. Truth be told, he likes your body just fine.

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Curiousroxy86

I do want to say that many men can say things without tact and they will say things you dont like. some things you can roll your eyes and agree to disagree. some things you can laugh it off. some things you can talk sh*t back and keep it pushing. however there are some things a man can say that should not be tolerated. I personally would not tolerate any negative remarks to your looks. thats just not okay to me.

 

a good way to handle a guy that criticize your looks or flaws is show a clear aand unapologetic love and acceptance of yourself in the face of his criticism. so if he is like "maybe you should get butt lift like the kids do these days (im assuming thats what he meant by the children comment I hope :confused:) then you simply say as blunt as you can with a smile "I love my body just the way it is and if you have a problem with it then you need to begone". now some may disagree with the tone but in my opinion when somebody have the audacity to suggest that you need to improve and something is wrong with you well then I believe you should let them know that a)you are enough just the way you are and b) you wont tolerate anybody that feels the needs to try to convince you to change. because thats his problem not yours.

 

if the criticisms towards your looks or flaws continue then I would kick him to the curb me personally. I wouldn't tolerate put downs. if you choose to stay well then you pretty much have to accept that he is going to be rude and tactless and find ways to cope.

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oceanblue12

There is no place in ANY situation where it is ALRIGHT to criticize someone's looks. NOBODY is perfect despite what some might have you believe.

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Men ARE routinely insensitive, though I don't think it's actually deliberate in most cases.

 

Funnily enough, I never had any insecurities about my own figure UNTIL I started having involvements with men! I really don't think they INTEND to be obtuse, but they just are.

 

An ex, who was one of the most sensitive men in general I've ever met, once told me I needed to squat heavier to get my behind bigger. I already actually have quite a generous bottom, so I didn't appreciate that. He'd also sometimes make comments about my skin - I have a hormonal condition that unfortunately means my skin will more than likely never be clear.

 

I told him he was making me insecure and to stop it and he did. I don't give these examples to make this about myself, but to illustrate that sometimes they just say things without thinking.

 

Another pointed out "movement" of the skin on my arms, feeling the need to tell me "that's not hot."

 

I can't say what he may have meant with those comments, but if you haven't talked to him about this kind of thing before, then I recommend doing so. It will eat at you otherwise.

 

You can determine if he's just being a jerk or not based on his reaction to how much he's hurting you, inadvertently or otherwise.

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There's no quicker pathway to termination of sex than making negative remarks about anyone's body.

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It wasn't about you or your looks at all. With all the measles stuff in the news he was probably thinking about vaccinations & similar subjects. Instead of saying I wonder why people are not given injections in the hip? he touched that part of you to non-verbally communicate the area of the body he was talking about. He wasn't talking about you he was mis-using the word "you" as a plural pronoun meaning all people.

 

You took it as a personal criticism. Hence, now he's afraid to say anything for fear that you would misunderstand. It's not entirely your fault; he used the wrong word & did not have the eloquence to explain himself.

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Am I overreacting?? He says I am and that he is now afraid to even open his mouth.

 

 

He should be. Because he's an idiot.

I would dump him and let him go jerk off to porn.

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Thanks for all the replies. I tried to discuss it with him again and asked what exactly he meant and he just kept stating that it just popped into his head and he meant nothing at all by it. I then pushed for an explanation but he got angry and again told me I that I always assume the worst whenever he says anything about my appearance or how I do something. So I left it until he had calmed down... and after dinner, asked him for the very last time to clarify what he meant, as I found an out of the blue statement about injections in my bottom and children having them there was totally random and meaningless and I just wanted to understand. He then changed what he had said! He said "I didn't just say that, I had already said should I give you an injection there, would you like one there... beforehand"...

 

Ermmmmm whaaaaaaat? I am confused. He insists he did NOT mean that I need to get a butt lift and is disgusted that I would even think he was judging my body in any way. I then reminded him of previous instances in the past when he DID comment on my body... that I needed to be careful that I didn't get fat, get a fat arse, get saggy arms, that my breasts were firmer when I was younger etc etc and he got pissed off that I brought up the past. However, he DID apologise profusely and insisted he meant nothing by the remark and could I please forget it and move forwards.

 

Later on we had sex, it was great... until afterwards... we were just lying there together and it was all lovely afterglow... until he started running his fingers up and down where I have lost some weight... where he had his hand when he actually made the odd comment.. and "picked up" some of the loose flesh.. where I have very faint stretch marks. He pulled at the area a couple of times. I said nothing. I thought it a VERY odd thing to do and following on from the comment.. well......

 

His porn preferences are women twerking, anal sex, doggy style... mainly women with huge arses though. His head is usually turned by someone with a big African looking bum. He actually thought Kim Kardashian's bottom was real and not fat implants! I think he does have a thing for huge bottoms, but that will never be me. The sad thing is we have a good sex life... but I have noticed if we do it doggy style and say I am still wearing some item of clothing, like a tshirt or dress, or a nighty, he always pulls it down over my bottom. Now it feels as if he is trying not to see me. Or am I becoming paranoid?

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Grapesofwrath

This all sounds so hurtful. This is one of the problems with someone watching a lot of porn. Unrealistic expectations of body types and a numbing to the beauty of a natural, normal woman.

 

In any case, to me the real issue is how he reacts when he realizes he has hurt your feelings. Are his apologies sincere? Does he accept responsibility for his words? Does he make an effort to do better?

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This all sounds so hurtful. This is one of the problems with someone watching a lot of porn. Unrealistic expectations of body types and a numbing to the beauty of a natural, normal woman.

 

In any case, to me the real issue is how he reacts when he realizes he has hurt your feelings. Are his apologies sincere? Does he accept responsibility for his words? Does he make an effort to do better?

 

Do you really think it's due to porn use Grapesofwrath? He doesn't watch it all that much. But I suppose it could be giving him an unrealistic expectation. His apology seemed very sincere but I do wonder if he was simply desperate to restore the status quo. As one earlier poster said, he realised he had screwed up and his weird comment about children was an attempt to quickly gloss over what he had said. He keeps insisting he loves my body, but then why make the comment in the first place? No matter how genuine the apology seems, why make the comment if he knows it was hurtful... AND ridiculous to expect me to get any plastic surgery.

 

It has turned me off him and even though we have had sex again now, I don't feel like spending much time with him. He just asked me why the sad face, I am sick of the sad atmosphere from you the past few days.

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It wasn't about you or your looks at all. With all the measles stuff in the news he was probably thinking about vaccinations & similar subjects. Instead of saying I wonder why people are not given injections in the hip? he touched that part of you to non-verbally communicate the area of the body he was talking about. He wasn't talking about you he was mis-using the word "you" as a plural pronoun meaning all people.

 

You took it as a personal criticism. Hence, now he's afraid to say anything for fear that you would misunderstand. It's not entirely your fault; he used the wrong word & did not have the eloquence to explain himself.

 

Ya I totally agree. I think he was just thinking out loud and didn't mean anything like how you took it OP.

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He originally made that comment meaning he wishes you had a bigger butt. He then tried to clean it up with the "that's where children........".

 

That's what I think too.....

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He hasn't got a lick of sense. He's got a big butt fetish I guess, and he quickly tried to make something up when he realized how well you did not take it. and tried to make it into something about where kids have shots. If it was just one time it would be one thing, but he has a pattern of doing this.

 

Honestly for me the thing I find the most off-putting about it is of all the things that you two could probably find to talk about and change and enhance your relationship, the only thing he's concerned about is making your body into something it's not, something he's seeing in porn and on reality shows. I just don't like where his head's at. I like a guy that has more on their mind than this type of shallow crap.

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I think he's talking about meds like flu shots. When I was hospitalized, they gave me injections on my butt. But if you go get flu shots they give it to you on the arm.

 

See my follow-up......

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It wasn't about you or your looks at all. With all the measles stuff in the news he was probably thinking about vaccinations & similar subjects. Instead of saying I wonder why people are not given injections in the hip? he touched that part of you to non-verbally communicate the area of the body he was talking about. He wasn't talking about you he was mis-using the word "you" as a plural pronoun meaning all people.

 

You took it as a personal criticism. Hence, now he's afraid to say anything for fear that you would misunderstand. It's not entirely your fault; he used the wrong word & did not have the eloquence to explain himself.

 

See my follow-up and his explanation.....

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He hasn't got a lick of sense. He's got a big butt fetish I guess, and he quickly tried to make something up when he realized how well you did not take it. and tried to make it into something about where kids have shots. If it was just one time it would be one thing, but he has a pattern of doing this.

 

Honestly for me the thing I find the most off-putting about it is of all the things that you two could probably find to talk about and change and enhance your relationship, the only thing he's concerned about is making your body into something it's not, something he's seeing in porn and on reality shows. I just don't like where his head's at. I like a guy that has more on their mind than this type of shallow crap.

 

I said to him "you like big butts don't you?" and he adamantly denied it.. but when I said, look, I've seen the porn you like and the twerking big butts on YouTube etc., I'm not saying it's bad to have that preference, but it's not right to expect me to try to change something that I can't do THAT much about. I can stay fit and keep going to the gym as normal, but I will never have a huge twerky type arse, so if that is what you want, then we need to split up". He just insists that he loves my body, I am great in bed etc etc etc.. but why say it in the first place...... I find it super off-putting too. The sad thing is the sex is... was.. great.... he is a superb cook and we generally get on well, we are both fairly laidback, but now I just wonder where his head is REALLY at most of the time.

 

He had a pattern of doing this early on.... AND of rubbernecking women in the street and not even trying to hide it from me ... guess what.. to check their butts! When I called him out on it, he stopped doing it.

 

I thought we were getting on well but now I really am not sure. I would love a bigger penis and for him not to have lost most of his hair but I would NEVER say that or hint at it because I love him. This just makes me dislike him the more I think about it and wonder if there is any point hanging around.....

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Maybe I'm overly defensive, but the first time I feel like someone is wishing I looked like someone else in bed, I just feel like I would be saying, Get off me. I'm really glad you had a frank talk with him about it. I just don't like the whole idle mind in the gutter aspect of it. It would be nice if he had something else to think of besides other women's huge butts.

 

One time I somehow got into a conversation with one of my boyfriends, because I have when I'm thin, which I was then, a flat butt. My dad used to call me skillet butt and that didn't really bother me because I was just a kid who rode horses. So it's possible it came up something like that, but what the boyfriend said was, humorously, Aw, they all look the same when they're bent over anyway.

 

I thought that was a pretty good comment all in all. So I'm not that sensitive. But repeated references would make me not feel like having sex because then I would not feel attractive to him, although I would still feel attracted to other men and the sooner the better! :)

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See my follow-up and his explanation.....

 

Uhhhh. . . I posted my initial opinion based on what you originally said. With the new info obviously since he has made comments in the past about your weight & looks there may be more to this.

 

Still I'm not totally following. What do injections have to do with weight loss? Obviously if a partner is commenting that an SO should look into something as drastic as plastic surgery for cosmetic rather then health reasons, that is an inappropriate comment.

 

However, I still find you to be overly sensitive about your weight & looks. He may be targeting those areas of weakness on you which is a very poisonous behavior but part of you needs to toughen up & be more comfortable in your own body. You say you had a good romp; why can't that be your focus as in if he didn't find you attractive he would be there, having sex with you? Even in this thread I find you going straight for the negative, no matter what somebody says. I suspect it's even more prevalent with him.

 

 

It happens. Sometimes it's a programmed response. I am in the middle of trying to effectuate a merger. The two companies have different management styles. Every day I have a long self talk about being more patient. 10 minutes into it I find myself stressed, snapping at people & being very short tempered. I fear my inability to curtail this will blow up the merger.

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Curiousroxy86

Nah it was evident in the original post that he was critical of her looks and flaws. This was not a one time occurrence. I don’t think she is being overly sensitive. He is insensitive. I do think Op should toughen up as far as not let his words make her feel bad about herself but not so she can endure these criticisms but so she can stand up for herself in confidence and not have to tolerate it.

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