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Complete waste of time.


ZA Dater

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A classic example of where one is better not meeting up. The text conversation was great, the in person conversation was ok until "they fact you haven't dated is very unattractive". My response was a positive spin on it.

 

I was told I was attractive in pictures but got un matched after meeting up, for what its worth she was ok, nothing amazing but different enough to pique my curiosity. She wasn't looking for a relationship which suited me fine but clearly I wasn't good enough for a friend either. The reality is I am trying to gain some sort of experience but finding that is proving next to impossible unless I try to convince myself find people attractive who I don't find attractive.

 

People here keep telling me "give them a chance" I wasn't given a chance in this scenario in fact before meeting up "who knows I might want to see you undress" which I just laughed off because there is fanciful hope and cold reality.

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If she wasn't looking for a relationship, she was probably looking for a guy to show her a good time including great sex. I am not sure why you are going down this route as obviously you are not going to appeal to these women. If she is looking for just sex then she is going to want a guy who at least knows what he is doing and even better is pretty experienced sexually.

Very few people on dating sites are looking for a platonic friend.

 

I get that you don't maybe feel confident enough to get in deep with people who want a relationship from the get go, but these NSA sex seekers are not going to be impressed with you either.

How did she know "you haven't dated"?

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How did she know "you haven't dated"?

I put it my bio because I am tired of being asked when my last relationship was. She told me she wasn't looking for casual sex, honestly I don't know what she was looking for. BTW, she was 37 so I cant be told 'she is too young" ;) Honestly what other route is there, my inherent limitations are deal breakers for either route it seems.

People tell me I need to find experience, what they don't tell me is how and NO its not finding someone I don't find physically attractive and forcing myself to find them attractive.

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Flame Aura
I put it my bio because I am tired of being asked when my last relationship was.

I've seen a few of your threads but not all - I'm assuming you have never dated/been in a relationship? If so then I really have no idea why you would put that in your bio, probably an instant turn off for anyone looking at it, no surprises there.

 

If you are asked when your last relationship was then your answer is simple - I haven't met someone yet who I have wanted to share the great experience of life with. There's nothing wrong with that.

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If you are asked when your last relationship was then your answer is simple - I haven't met someone yet who I have wanted to share the great experience of life with.

 

So in essence I must lie?

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It's not a lie. I don't recall you having a list of women who you were interested in. On the contrary, it's very difficult for you to find someone who you could see yourself with.

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Since apparently you had put it in your profile and she knew upfront you hadn't dated, I guess you should read between the lines here. It's probably your attitude, or lack thereof....

 

 

I've never dated. Doesn't mean I have a problem attracting women :)

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It's not a lie. I don't recall you having a list of women who you were interested in. On the contrary, it's very difficult for you to find someone who you could see yourself with.

 

Way I look at it. Better to say I don't have experience dating then they won't expect me to have.

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Life is full of white lies. Did you tell your grandmother that the gift she gave you was lame?

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Truth is you have more experience of "dating" than a lot of us here.

You just don't seem to have the ability to "progress".

If you were learning to play tennis, then you would still be stuck trying to serve the ball over the net.

 

15 yo admitting no experience dating - kinda cute, 35 yo admitting no experience dating - weird.

If you want to make sure the ladies stay away or you want to introduce awkwardness right away, then a job well done. You are setting yourself up to fail.

Keep it under your hat.

 

You need to try faking it until you make it.

Yes you are going to have to tell some lies, but I guess in the business you are in, lying is not an alien concept anyway, so why would it be a big deal here?

 

No-one is suggesting you need to manufacture a whole other fake life but saying your last relationship was, say 6 months or 2 years ago is hardly the lie of the century...

 

Seems to me you have been eyeing up and circling that ladder for long enough, time to grab hold and get yourself up onto at least the first rung.

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15 yo admitting no experience dating - kinda cute, 35 yo admitting no experience dating - weird.

 

Yes you are going to have to tell some lies, but I guess in the business you are in, lying is not an alien concept anyway, so why would it be a big deal here?

No-one is suggesting you need to manufacture a whole other fake life

Even if I don't say anything it becomes glaringly obvious anyway, as it did with the horse riding instructor. Its only weird because people don't think about it logically and because we are conditioned to not actually think freely but rather go along with what everyone else thinks.

 

I have tried the fake life thing that doesn't work much better either, I suppose because we got along fairly well on text I thought that might translate well in person but it didn't work out like that. First she tells me she wants a relationship, then we meet up she tells me she wants friends and then un matches me. Pretty much the modus operandi of the ladies of Tinder. I have yet to meet ANY who are completely transparent at all.

 

Fundamentally I am just awkward in everything I do, my beliefs don't jell with societies, my ideas don't either, my lack of experience doesn't match society either, are people so insecure they are afraid of what doesn't match their own pre conceived ideas?

 

I just think one of the many things lacking on dates I go is any sense of them being attracted to me, if they were these things would not be as important as they end up becoming.

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Its only weird because people don't think about it logically and because we are conditioned to not actually think freely but rather go along with what everyone else thinks.

 

But that is how "life" is.

You cannot change "life "in order to fit in with your view of the world.

 

Most women will think a 35yo with no experience is weird.

That is just how it is.

Sitting here saying it shouldn't be so and that the world needs to change FOR YOU is ignoring the fact that getting experience would solve the issue...

 

First she tells me she wants a relationship, then we meet up she tells me she wants friends and then un matches me.
and that is how the world tends to work too.

She does truly want a relationship, she meets you, there is no spark/chemistry, she sees no future with you. She says she sees you "as a friend" (code for "We are done here") she goes home and unmatches you. It is par for the course it happens every day.

She is primarily looking for a romantic/sexual partner, not a friend. She is not going to waste her time making friends out of strangers...

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Yep , def' rip that out of your bio for god sake or ya may as well just shoot yaself in the foot and don't go telling them either. Plenty of time for honest when and if the time even comes later, which could be a few more dates away anyway if it does amount to anything.

lf they ask just say orrr, seeing someone for awhile or something, didn't work out, just skim it and move on. They don't need detail a few minutes in the door and they probably won't go giving you any either until they get to know you a bit.

Anyway , your still meeting them at least that's something.

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But that is how "life" is.

You cannot change "life "in order to fit in with your view of the world.

Well I find it weird how conformist people are and I have no qualms saying so. If someone cant apply their mind and question things than they aren't of interest to me anyway.

 

There is never any chemistry I don't really have anything to gain on these dates anyway, in my view someone needs to be a friend before they can be a partner which implies you have something in common with them but I guess I am wrong about that.

 

All I can do on these dates is try something different each time, knowing that ostensibly the person doesn't interest me anyway/isn't going to be interested in me so it doesn't really matter what I do so I may as well see what is possible bearing in mind those two things.

 

 

I find it very hard to see a future with most of the unmotivated, um ambitious, apathetic people I meet, I still meet them anyway because who knows perhaps there is something interesting about them.

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.. in my view someone needs to be a friend before they can be a partner which implies you have something in common with them but I guess I am wrong about that.

 

No-one would argue about that but most looking for a relationship, or just some sex want to feel some attraction. Without attraction most are not interested in pursuing things any further, most have enough platonic friends and even if they don't, a "rejected" man they don't really know, is not the best candidate for a friend either.

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Ruby Slippers

Lying is never the right thing to do. If you have to lie to get something, you don't deserve it and it will most likely fall apart eventually.

 

You'll probably have the most traction with a woman who also has little to no experience, and they are out there, as some of them post on this forum about how they've never had a date at 30, etc.

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You'll probably have the most traction with a woman who also has little to no experience, and they are out there, as some of them post on this forum about how they've never had a date at 30, etc.

 

I was thinking that too and then I thought maybe she would prefer her first time at 30+ to be with someone who knows what they are doing... but maybe not...

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dispatch3d

I've barely dated and I usually hide that fact from the girl. Takes usually a month or two for them to figure it out. Its not that difficult to do, and should be pretty easy to pull off on a single encounter. I think your doing something to even bring up the subject (like putting it in your bio might be causing it).

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ZA, I’ve read several of your threads and the main feeling I get from you is a sense of entitlement and contempt. You feel entitled to the “perfect girl experience,” yet do nothing to cultivate yourself to become appealing to that very small sub-group of women. You radiate contempt for, not only the men who are able to attract this “ideal” woman you want, but extreme contempt for every woman who is not in that 1% of the population. As though your finding them undesirable is somehow a personal affront to you, which must make them beneath you in your mind; therefore “they” are intentionally working to sabotage your plans or some such nonsense.

 

I haven’t ever talked with you, but your extreme judgement, coupled with extreme sense of entitlement, would make any rational person run the opposite direction. I’m guessing this extreme judgment, contempt, and sense of moral repugnance radiates from you even more so in person. You meet them with the sole intent of “what can they give me?” You’re not trying to actually get to know any of them, you’re cataloging them like job interviews. An astute person can feel this deep level of disinterest for what it is - and no woman with self respect would submit to such a clinical assessment with any kind of excitement.

 

Once you actually meet with these woman from a place of true interest in them, I’m guessing your circumstances and outcomes will change.

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There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone you have limited experience with relationships or that you have had difficulty finding the right person to be serious.

 

Putting a statement in your online profile telling people that you have no experience with relationships would make me delete and move on... you don’t even have the social etiquette to find a socially appropriate way to share that information and/or try and appeal to a woman. If it’s that obvious before we even meet, I can only imagine what it would be like to go on a date with you in person.

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Try a dating/life coach to help you give yourself a more positive vibe on these dates....no one likes a self loather. Be funny, happy, and be a little mysterious...and posture/body language plays a huge part in this. Women's brains are all about little details, that strikes them emotionally. It may seem complex, but a simple vibe and posturing of confidence can make all the difference.

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yet do nothing to cultivate yourself to become appealing to that very small sub-group of women.

 

I haven’t ever talked with you, but your extreme judgement, coupled with extreme sense of entitlement, would make any rational person run the opposite direction. I’m guessing this extreme judgment, contempt, and sense of moral repugnance radiates from you even more so in person. You meet them with the sole intent of “what can they give me?” You’re not trying to actually get to know any of them, you’re cataloging them like job interviews. An astute person can feel this deep level of disinterest for what it is - and no woman with self respect would submit to such a clinical assessment with any kind of excitement.

 

Once you actually meet with these woman from a place of true interest in them, I’m guessing your circumstances and outcomes will change.

 

1: Nobody can tell me definitively what women actually want! To my eyes all they seem to want is the best looking with the biggest wallet, the most hip and happening friends and other examples of extreme conformism.

 

2: Women can judge me extremely but I cant do the same? For years I didn't judge and got judged until I realise if they can judge me I can judge them too.

 

3: Yes and no women meets a guy with "what can he give me" mentality, oh really ok.

 

4: I date because this very form tells me its a numbers game, go out with anyone who will go out with you and I do this to some extent, you are right few of these people interest me but why not give them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps a profile isn't who they, perhaps there is more to them in person, perhaps they have a great sense of humour, perhaps they have some interesting life experiences.

 

5: I am not truly interested in most of them.

 

6: Actually I try to be humorous and light hearted on dates, I try mix up the body language, ultimately I have no vested interest so I might as well try anything. Sure, there have been times I have liked the person but they are few and far between. You put yourself in my shoes and spend 15 years being rejected, you tell me you wouldn't be jaded.

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Try a dating/life coach to help you give yourself a more positive vibe on these dates....no one likes a self loather. Be funny, happy, and be a little mysterious...and posture/body language plays a huge part in this. Women's brains are all about little details, that strikes them emotionally. It may seem complex, but a simple vibe and posturing of confidence can make all the difference.

Which is exactly what I try and do time and time again. Its about positive, keeping the conversation light. Even with this I get very little form of interest from them.

 

 

There is a lot about me which could be called mysterious BUT it doesn't conform to miss picket fence or miss go for drinks on a Fridays idea of what mysterious should be.

 

I am not totally clueless but these dates just don't gel at all and never has really because I have rarely felt "wow she is amazing".

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littleblackheart

You're rejecting women just as much as you are being rejected, though, as your groundhog day style of threads have demonstrated.

 

You can't get frustrated at people for wanting the same thing as you, ie a compatible partner.

 

So you've not found yours yet; you're not the only one either.

 

Option 1: quit dating (genuinely, for good) and wait for that unicorn to land on your lap.

 

Option 2: carry on dating as you have done, but learn to curb your frustration.

 

Option 3: continue on a loop, with no expectations for things to change.

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