Boyfriend prefers talking rather than text

[surferchic]

Hello all. This should be very brief so I’ll do my best to do just that.

 

Started seeing guy a few months ago. We started communicating as friends first before any flirting. I honestly didn’t intend to see this guy beyond something platonic . We both end up flirting and well, we’re now seeing each other pretty often and have intense conversations about what we want in life not just relationships. We are extremely attracted to one another. We amazingly have so much in common in our likes and desires.

 

The greatest thing we don’t agree on may be the fact that I prefer texting as my main communication method , while he doesn’t. He’s said several times that he prefers talking and doesn’t like texting . I’ve opened up to talking more and he has been texting me. However he’s make comments like “I’m gonna get you to call me somehow”... jokingly I thought but I’m feeling like he’s serious... and by any means.

 

Recently he has been doing this to get a response out of me like “calling him”. When I’ve called these 2times he has been sleep(after work) and once I call he wakes right up and rushes over to my place or talks as if he’s just been waiting for me to call. Am feeling like pulling back and cutting back in contact because I sense he’s getting a kick out of it all. Am I wrong?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'll be honest, on first reading it sounds like you just want to punish a guy for preferring to speak to you over the phone rather than text, which sounds like a petty reason to pull back. However, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume there is more to it than that.

 

If you genuinely feel like he is manipulative and arrogant about getting his own way, then perhaps you have good reason to reexamine whether this guy is right for you.

 

We all have deal breakers, and if having someone who is willing and able to compromise is important, you need to find that out sooner rather than later.

 

If he has potential as a boyfriend in other ways then be fair and give him the opportunity to fix things. Avoid being passive aggressive and pulling away, and instead tell him how you are interpreting his behavior, and tell him what it is that you want, and see if you can find a compromise.

[surferchic]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

I don’t want to punish him for wanting to talk. I want him to verbalize what he wants “more of”, rather than being manipulative. I have already told him twice how I feel about him basically “flaking” until I calm him. I think he sees that it gets a response out of me so he keeps doing it. So in order for me to be a woman of my own word, I have no other choice than to stop talking and just pull back and “possibly” reiterate to him the reason why... or not.

Edited May 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TheFinalWord]

Man, you women can be so picky! He matches with you on so many things, but because he prefers to talk rather than type, you're going to play games and create space?

[Highndry]

Another reason MGTOW is gaining in popularity. I can't even believe this is a gripe and you're thinking of "pulling back" over it.

[emeraldgreen]

You have a guy who prefers a personal connection and doesn't want streams of dribble sent by SMS every day. Poor you! You should get yourself one of those guys who'll ask you out by text, dump you by text and who will do your head in when you don't get a reply within one hour.

[TooBad]

Looking at your topic history it seems this has been an issue with more than one guy. Perhaps it's time to stop doing the same thing over and over again and think about it a little?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I have already told him twice how I feel about him basically “flaking” until I calm him. I think he sees that it gets a response out of me so he keeps doing it.

 

When you say flaking, do you mean that starts ignoring you deliberately when you text him, until you call?

 

I wouldn't want to deal with that either. If you have tried to speak to him about it, but he refuses to listen, you have to assert some boundaries for yourself. I would just be upfront and clear with him about why your doing it.

 

There is no point in fighting passive aggressive with more passive aggressive behavior.

[doyathinkso]

Personally, I despise texting.

 

 

Texting is a very poor excuse for communication. Very two dimensional. No subtlety whatsoever.

[Gaeta]

My boyfriend doesn't like texting. If I text him he doesn't reply and he calls me back instead. It's not manipulation, it's his dislike. Your boyfriend doesn't reply because he hates texting.

 

 

 

Solution: Don't text, don't call and just talk when you get together. Just like in the old days. No one texted or called 100 times a day and yet the world survived, relationships survived just fine.

[basil67]

However he’s make comments like “I’m gonna get you to call me somehow”... jokingly I thought but I’m feeling like he’s serious... and by any means.

 

You've NEVER called him? You say that he's texted you at times, but you're not meeting his actions in return. Why shouldn't he be serious about both of you getting a bit more flexible?

[elaine567]

The core problem you have as outlined in a previous thread is that you do not like calling, you hate it, it annoys you...

[GTR King]

Sometimes people prefer to talk in person or on the phone....

 

Sounds like he rather talk to you in person or on the phone rather than send 100s of messages per week... No need to play games/flake on him... Just call him every now and then he might start to message a bit more..

 

I don't mind texting but would rather talk in person or on the phone to my girlfriend... Few messages per day will do me.

[d0nnivain]

Learn from this man. He is on to something. Step out of your comfort zone & learn that texting is a HORRIBLE way to communicate. It should be reserved for messages like pick up milk or I'm running late. Voice is so much better. Be grateful that you are dating a genuine human.

[Gretchen12]

There is something that both of you need to understand. He doesn't like to text, but he can, if he has to. You actually cannot talk. For you it's not a preference but more of an inability.

 

Many young people have this phobia of voice. I have seen young people miss out on opportunities at work because they sent email instead of talked to ask a supervisor for something. The email was simply ignored, while the talkers received full attention. The people who email actually knew it's not the best way to do it, but they could not force themselves to talk. They're scared of the discomfort. So they'd rather miss out on an opportunity just as you'd rather hurt your relationship, than deal with the discomfort.

 

I'm not exaggerating. I've dealt with young people. This is more common than many people realize.

 

I think this is why you are having a big reaction. Meanwhile he does not understand your fear of voice and your degree of discomfort. For him it's just a preference, so he's not being sensitive to your needs. You say he's manipulative but that's because you resent him for forcing you to do this. You can decide to overcome this fear but that has to be your decision and I know it won't be easy for you.

[smackie9]

Instead of "pulling back" to try and get your own way....just tell him in person this isn't working out, then breakup/walk away/move on.

[Veronica73]

This seems like a good problem to have. We all have our preferences, but talking really is a better form of communication than texting (unless it’s something like “pick up milk” like the other poster said).

[surferchic]

Thanks for the responses, but several posters are merely responding to the topic... the hook and that feels pretty unfair to me.

 

The issue isn’t that I refuse to call. I do call him. It’s just a little less than he calls me.

 

So The issue at hand is that(that HE has created), is that recently he has been not followed through when he said he would in terms of coming to my place or calling when he said he would, which have prompted me to call and check on him because it’s not like him or me to keep the other posted. This imhas happened 3 times now and I feel like he’s intentionally pushing me away or he thinks I’m playing with him. But I’m at the point where im ready to throw up my hands forgood simply because I despise manipulative people. When I called to CHECK on him, he ends up being happy I checked on him most likely just because I CALLED. I told him that it’s frustrating that he keeps sleeping through his alarm or losing track of time. He apologized and said he would work on it. I told him cool, but I wouldn’t continue to call. Eventually it’s going to just turn me off.

 

So that’s where I am at this moment from yesterday. He called to check on me after we got off work . We played phone tag then finally spoke. He asked me IF I WAS HEADING HOME...... I said yes. He said ok and that he would call me later.

 

Why did he even say that??? He could’ve just kept his mouth shut and just said ok baby be safe or just ok “bye”...

 

NOTE: he’s also so mentioned that he could be very intense and he’s asked me if I was tired of him after him taking me out and having me out all day /weekend with him. I told him no because I really DO Like him y’all.... but I despise manipulative games. They only push me away.... this is the part of relationships that confuse and annoy the heck out of me.

Edited May 18, 2019 by surferchic

[surferchic]

Learn from this man. He is on to something. Step out of your comfort zone & learn that texting is a HORRIBLE way to communicate. It should be reserved for messages like pick up milk or I'm running late. Voice is so much better. Be grateful that you are dating a genuine human.

 

Thanks but a man who keeps not keeping his word for whatever reason is not a “genuine” human. He’s being manipulative. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been great in so many other ways but this issue is making me very irritated, not wanting to contact him at all.

Edited May 18, 2019 by surferchic

[Gretchen12]

Let me get this straight. When he flakes on you, you don't think it's because he's losing interest. You think he is pretending to forget, to manipulate you into calling? Is that right?

 

I dunno.. for people who call a lot, calling is not big enough of a deal to make an issue of it. And it is common for people to sound upbeat when they pick up the phone, as phone etiquette goes. I'm not sure your manipulation theory is correct.

[surferchic]

I think this is why you are having a big reaction. Meanwhile he does not understand your fear of voice and your degree of discomfort. For him it's just a preference, so he's not being sensitive to your needs. You say he's manipulative but that's because you resent him for forcing you to do this. You can decide to overcome this fear but that has to be your decision and I know it won't be easy for you.

 

You have a great point here and I agree that yes... it causes me discomfort especially lulls in conversation. We’re typically so honest with each other that we have even talked about this. I’ve told him this!

 

Right now though, he is jeopardizing our relationship by merely not making contact and keeping his word. That IS manipulation... right?!?!?!

 

I don’t know what to do at this point. Do I call him .... this time to say I’m not happy with this game so I will give him some space or what do I do?

 

I don’t want to stay in this viscous cycle but I also don’t want to train a man to not keep his word to make me call him.

 

Thanks for your feedback . Please continue to help as I’m so serious when I say I don’t know what to do. And yes I have a bit of anxiety clinically, which has even affected me at work.

Edited May 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Talk v. text is a different issue then he's not keeping his word. I thought it was a preference for one medium over the other. In that sense talk is preferable. Broken promises are a whole other issue.

[Gaeta]

Thanks for the responses, but several posters are merely responding to the topic... the hook and that feels pretty unfair to me. The issue isn’t that I refuse to call. I do call him. It’s just a little less than he calls me.

 

 

This is a whole different story than your original post. So THAT is the real issue in your relationship. I wonder why you just didn't say so at the beginning.

 

 

 

Dating is period of time to evaluate if we are compatible or not. If you're not compatible, if you annoye each other, then you abort and you move on to find someone better suited. Seems you have different communication style, and a different life style.

Edited May 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[surferchic]

Perhaps I should’ve worded the topic differently but I feel like he’s showing this pattern now to try making me call him. Plus he’s seen my response to me worrying when he doesn’t call as expected so I feel like calling or CONTROL is that important that he’s willing to act like this to get his point across , I.e. he doesn’t like texting and wants me to call him more. He’s even said it... verbatim...

 

Even if it sounds immature...That’s why I chose the topic I did.

[Highndry]

Whatever happened to actually communicating with your partner? Would you rather just get a bunch of anonymous advice as to what they think your bf is doing rather than actually talking to him to address these issues?