Am I setting myself up?

[ChristineK]

I have been dating a guy for about a month now and it has been up and down from the beginning. He has a lot going on in his world between his parent's divorce overseas and some work and personal stressors. I also have my own drama I am sorting through right now personally and workwise.

 

Our first couples dates were great. There is a definite connection we share. We have a lot in common and have a lot of the same life philosophies. Shortly after our third date, he went dark on me and I didn't really hear from him. I didn't think much of it at the time as we had only just started dating and I thought maybe he was just phasing me out. He apologized deeply and explained how stressful things with his family were and I was understanding.

We saw each other again and set up another date to which he had to cancel last minute. He apologized again and we rearranged for the following day. I explained to him that I was understanding but I did not like how it was coming between us so much. A few more dates went by and then again, a last minute cancellation. This time I got quite upset, and he went cold on me. I heard from him a few days later and he explained that he needed some time and space to think about everything. At this point, I thought we would break up for sure, but he still said he wanted to continue seeing each other but that things may be stressful. I agreed, again, but explained I need better communication from him.

He has now told me he will be going back home for two and a half weeks to deal with his parent's divorce and the family business which I think is very wise given the stress of everything going on and the stress its causing him.

I have thought about breaking it off with him a few times now and every time I try to he convinces me not to. Its not like he forces me to stay, in fact he tels me that if I don't think I can handle this that he understands but he does want to make this work. He keeps telling me that this is only temporary and that things will be so much better when all of this is sorted (I have my doubts.)

I know I need to distance myself and I know him going back home will do that even though he says we will be in touch all the time, I know we probably wont as he isn't great with texting or calling now.

I am the stage where whatever happens will happen. I am not going to force anything or have any great expectations Honestly, every time I see this guy it feels like it might be the last time I will see him. But he keeps convincing me that there might be something worthwhile still.

 

What do you guys think about the situation? Are my expectations too high given the stress he's going through? Or am I setting myself up here?

[c1nderella]

Im in a similar situation as you except I’ve been seeing this guy for almost 5 months. From the beginning he’ll be present for a lil but then I wouldn’t see him for a few weeks or hear from him for a few days. This is a pattern now. I tried leaving him also a couple times and he somehow makes me think there’s a future with us and I end up staying but the very next day I won’t hear from him again. He says “timing” is off right now and he’s not good at managing his time but that we can make things work. I’ve told him all I want is for him to try to be more present and he apologizes but doesn’t do as he says.

 

All in all it’s about priorities. It doesn’t seem like we’re a priority for these guys. Everyone handles stress differently but I don’t push significant others away because I’m stressed. It’s self sabotaging the relationship. Idk your case might be different. He might genuinely care for you but since you’re fresh with him I would really not put anymore energy or emotions into him. Maybe things will get better after he deals with all this like he said to you but I wouldn’t wait up for him. Live your life ....don’t worry about things you cannot control.....( ugh why can’t we ever follow our own advice?! Lol)

[chillii]

l dunno what your problem is . He cancelled upfront, he told you and he probably told you why, what else was he suppose to communicate, you know he's got heaps going on right now, things come up.

He seems like he's keen and wants this too going on what you've said, his just got all this stuff. lf you like him enough you support him and ride it out with him as long as he's just as in it as you.

Edited May 18, 2019 by chillii

[TooBad]

Or am I setting myself up here?

 

 

 

You are. In what, 2-3 months things will calm down, and then what? Another 'stressful' situation will come up. Up and down from the beginning is a pretty good indicator for the future.

[guest569]

l dunno what your problem is . He cancelled upfront, he told you and he probably told you why, what else was he suppose to communicate, you know he's got heaps going on right now, things come up.

He seems like he's keen and wants this too going on what you've said, his just got all this stuff. lf you like him enough you support him and ride it out with him as long as he's just as in it as you.

 

You really dunno?

 

It sounds like drama central to me. If a guy "goes dark" on me after a 3rd date I'm not gonna be happy and giddy and excited about a future with him. It hardly sets up a solid foundation does it? He then flakes twice more, and his default coping strategy is to "go dark" and give the silent treatment. This is all in the space of a month. I really don't blame Christine for trying to break things off and to protect herself from hurt.

 

You really dunno what the problem is?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

You really dunno?

 

It sounds like drama central to me. If a guy "goes dark" on me after a 3rd date I'm not gonna be happy and giddy and excited about a future with him. It hardly sets up a solid foundation does it? He then flakes twice more, and his default coping strategy is to "go dark" and give the silent treatment. This is all in the space of a month. I really don't blame Christine for trying to break things off and to protect herself from hurt.

 

You really dunno what the problem is?

 

This is so true! If the guy has so much going on, he shouldn't be dating. TBH I think he is blowing you off. I've had several experiences where a guy went cold on me for ______ life reason. Usually this just meant they didn't want to date me. I'd take away all attention from him and focus on something else. Date other guys and keep your options open. Do really want a relationship where your guy goes dark when there are problems in his life? I wouldn't think so!

[basil67]

Yeah, I wouldn't bother with him further. You're actually fortunate that you're seeing how he deals with stress early on. Better now than after you've established something you thought was good.

[d0nnivain]

I am befuddled that you have this much drama for somebody you have known one month. How much space can you need from somebody you barely know? How can somebody who should not be that enmeshed in your life "go dark"? There simply hasn't been enough of a connection yet.

 

I think you move too fast generally & are developing expectations that would be more properly associated with a guy you have known for a year, not a month. You are totally unrealistic.

 

Like seriously . .. .boo hoo hoo that he canceled a date & rescheduled for the next day. That is not even something that should have registered let alone become this problem.

 

All in all you need to slow down, back off & stop putting so much stock in a new person in your life.

 

Let him go deal with his family. 2 weeks apart will help you to cool your jets.

[smackie9]

There it is again...."it's not you it's me" It's is a pattern that won't stop. IMO it is you and not them. Negative things happen to people who are negative. It's in how you say things, what you talk about, how you interact, how you cope with things, your vibe, your approach to life, etc. it's repelling people from your life, and opportunities are being taken away. Time to take a break and work on your mental health. Are you seeing a therapist by any chance?