Samsonssy Posted May 17, 2019 Share Posted May 17, 2019 About a year ago I met this girl who was almost 5 years older than me. I was 29 and she was 34. Currently I'm 30 and she is 35. I was fresh out of a relationship and just wanted to date. I though to myself that hey she is too old for me anyway. What turned out to be a rebound thing blossomed into something with more substance. Every moment with her felt very non forced and natural. I could be myself around her. I enjoyed her company. Only problem is that I did not want anything serious at that time. Fast forward to where we are now, 1 year later, and i find myself in the same situation. I have these personal fears that she is too old for me, that kids might be a problem, and what others might think. How will I have a wedding with a girl that is 5 years older than me? Also, sometimes I don’t find her to be the most attractive person. I love her though. She is emotionally there for me. I’d do anything for her too. I know I am not young, and I know the age difference isn't drastic. Although it is tearing me up on the inside. She wants something more serious and i feel like I can’t. When I think of her leaving me, my world comes crashing down. I’ve dealt with break ups before, but this one feels like it would have extra sting to it. I know some answers will be something along the lines that i don't deserve her, let her free so she can find the right one. I did let her free. I even told her that this isnt fair to her and she could date others while i figure **** out. Im in a horrible head space. The fact that my dad passed away few months ago is not helping either. Constant confusion and anxiety overarches my thoughts. I dont know what to do with this girl. I know i dont have much time before she moves on and it is too late. Hoping someone can shed some experience. Am I wrong for not chasing her and spending the rest of my life with her? Why am I so scared of commitment? Why do I worry so much about what others think? Asking for help. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 17, 2019 Share Posted May 17, 2019 Is there something happening right now that requires you make a decision? It sounds like you are still grieving the loss of your father, and that's a big deal. It also sounds like you are not really in love with her. That's okay, and is just the reality of your feelings. Doesn't make you a bad person. Especially if you've been honest with her about where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
damni Posted May 17, 2019 Share Posted May 17, 2019 You are a 30 year old man yet you appear very immature, do you have mental health issues? No one will be judging you for dating this woman apart from yourself, this is about your own insecurities. 5 years is nothing and most likely people wouldn't even notice there was an age difference anyway. I am surprised she has put up with your disrespect for so long. If you genuinely loved this woman, you would let her go instead keeping her for your own selfish reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samsonssy Posted May 17, 2019 Author Share Posted May 17, 2019 Is that question meant to tell me that I am messed up in the head? Please explain how your low ass insults are supposed to help. Why are you surprised by her actions? Do you know her? Please elaborate Link to post Share on other sites
damni Posted May 17, 2019 Share Posted May 17, 2019 Is that question meant to tell me that I am messed up in the head? Please explain how your low ass insults are supposed to help. Why are you surprised by her actions? Do you know her? Please elaborate I am surprised she would want to stay with a man who will not commit to her. You also judge her on her appearance and age. Frankly it is ridiculous. So yes I do wonder if you have mental health issues as what you are saying is irrational. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 17, 2019 Share Posted May 17, 2019 (edited) Actually , l don't think it's ridiculous at all , we all look at and see our partners however they appear and we either like love it or it troubles us or 50 other things. 5 yrs difference in one may not even show or feel or act, but in another it could feel or look more like 10 or 15. Everyone is different for their age and he def has a lack of attraction thing for her whatever the case. Anyway op , sounds like she's gonna make your mind up for ya soon so if you still can't it'll be done for you. Just be 100% honest about everything and if your still not sure it's up to her whether she spends any more time of this . But nope, she doesn't sound right for you at all , it's more of a she is there for you thing. Edited May 17, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted May 17, 2019 Share Posted May 17, 2019 I don't think you love her. Look at Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet, he couldn't give a damn about her being 10 years older as she was always the woman of his dreams. He loves the hell out of her and she gave him two children at an older age. My mother was 6 years older than my dad. I do think you should set her free cause you're staying with her for very selfish reasons anyway, knowing very well you want to marry a younger girl (which is ok in general, you want what you want, but you don't have the right to waste someone's time, someone you dont even feel attracted to). Link to post Share on other sites
kamani Posted May 17, 2019 Share Posted May 17, 2019 If you are not sure she is not the right one for you. I think why you are hurting is you will lose regular sex, company and attention when you end this. However love can grow with time. I don't think this is due to the grief of death of your dad, he passed away recently and you have been with her about an year now. If you think the woman being older in 5 years is a big age gap, it will be always in your mind. It is not unreasonable for you to feel that way, though it is becoming more normal thing today. You will be regretting when age related matters arise such as menopause and sex. I have read in this board numerous times men complaining about sexless marriage, when he is around 45 and wife is around 50. Customs have naturally become norms due to some reason. You want a girl 5 years younger, so set her free. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 17, 2019 Share Posted May 17, 2019 Sadly, this is the reflection of how most men think and that's why I have stopped dating. They treat 35+ women like third class citizens. At least in OP's case the gf is 5 years older. It's much worse when men that are 5 years older think that you are too old for them. OP, there is nothing wrong with you. You have been conditioned by society to obsess over women's age. Also, you don't love her. Not even close. You just don't want to lose comfort, companionship, sex and someone that loves you. And no, you haven't been honest with her. Telling her that you don't want anything serious while you act like you do is the exact opposite. Do you really want to be honest? Show her this thread. You are actually wasting the last of this woman's childbearing years, until you secure someone younger. She will never be able to get that back. That's beyond cruel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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