Jump to content

Outside boundaries?


Feelinguncomfotable

Recommended Posts

Feelinguncomfotable

My boyfriend sometimes has issues with boundaries. Specifically, sometimes he makes himself too comfortable at my home such as looking into cabinets like that. Recently he became more so such that he checks certain medicines I take and mentions if you it’s running low and insistent on knowing when I’m going to wear to certain events such as the wedding we’re going to soon. He even programmed his car early in our relationship so that he could get into my home with the garage door opener. I just feel that this is sort of invasion of my privacy and inappropriate. He also wants to know where I’m going in when I’m coming home and who are you going to be with etc. Do I have a possessive boyfriend?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
The Outlaw

Yes. And controlling. You need to make it a point to him to let him know how you feel about it. There's absolutely no need for that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I find it hard to comment without more information. How long have you been together?

 

With the looking in cabinets, is he trying to find something he needs for dinner or entertainment? Or is he spying?

 

Making sure you haven't run out of meds could be in the realms of caring rather than control, but it's possible that he's pushing it too far.

 

Is he insistent on knowing what you're going to wear to events or is he just interested. And is there any reason you didn't discuss this stuff in regular conversation?

 

Did you give him the code to program his car? If not, how did he get it?

 

Wanting to know where you're going and who you're with - I think it's quite reasonable to mention in passing "I'm going to X restaurant tomorrow night with my old uni friends Tom, Dick and Jane". Are you trying to keep secrets of what your life outside him entails?

 

When he wants to know what time you'll be home, is he waiting for you at home? Or is he somewhere else? Does he get mad if you're late?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Feelinguncomfotable

Been together 5 years but don’t live together.

He is insecure I think about our relationship because I’ve been reluctant to have him move in due to money issues.

He went ahead and programmed the garage door without asking.

He gets pissed if I don’t spend most of my weekend with him.

He left me with some Xanax and he regularly checks to see if I’m using it.

Edited by Feelinguncomfotable
Link to post
Share on other sites

You didn't answer a lot of the questions I asked about the things which happened, so I can't give much feedback. I suspect that there is a fair degree of him being insecure and you being secretive/stand-offish. Bad combination.

 

Don't ever use meds which haven't been prescribed to you. If he pushes it, you should make that alone a deal breaker. That said, why does he feel you need Xanax?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you really even need to ask? Obviously he's making it where you can't get away if he doesn't want you to. I can't believe he managed to do your garage door opener because how can you undo that? You're going to need to completely undo that somewhere you so you better get on the phone right now to the company and ask them how to do that and then go ahead and do it. otherwise you can rekey everything and that's what you're going to have to do because someone is controlling and possessive and blatantly just crossing all kinds of boundary is going to be a real mess to get rid of. And you do need to get rid of him. The sooner the better. the longer you let him stay the more invested he's going to get and I bet he's already got a tracker on your car.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Feelinguncomfotable

He asked me where I keep the safe keys when I replaced my safe a few weeks ago and I was reluctant to tell him. That’s the kind of stuff that makes me wonder but I’ve known him long and don’t think he’s asking to take anything from me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
mark clemson

Consider doing some research on attachment styles.

 

He may indeed be being too controlling and insecure. But perhaps after 5 years he is hoping for "more". Is that something you want with him? If not, consider tell him now so he can make an informed choice about whether to stay in the relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease

Have you talked with him about it?

 

If you're feeling uncomfortable with behavior that feels invasive to you, I'd advise you to move on.

 

We all have different comfort levels. What you describe would be smothering to me, but you have to decide what feels like too much to you.

 

I once dated someone with boundary issues and we fought about it all the time, it seemed to me. He flatly was clueless about boundaries and complained I was putting up walls all the time. Of course I was! Trying to keep him from crossing boundaries. It just wasn't going to work.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't ever give anyone except someone you're married to access to any of your valuables or money. This guy is doing all this right in your face and it's like you have chosen not to believe it. He is taking over your home,your money, everything. He has no need to know where your safe keys are but he's already been looking for them. That's why he's going through your drawers. he's going to take everything you have if you're not careful but the biggest danger is that you're not even going to be able to leave because he's always going to know where you are and how to track you and always be able to get into your home. You need to probably get some professional advice to get a grip on this. you may need somebody could come in and undo it because this would be over my head trying to get just the garage door thing back from him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
todreaminblue

was your bf always this way over the five years you have been seeing him...deb

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just for a start , he's obviously an extreme facts and figures and numbers man, dunno anyone that goes round checking that crap on a gf or programing cars to open their garages.

Does it run through to everything even the way he talks with you and just is, meaning is he ever just loose.

Not too many could hack that in their partner so nope don't think your being unreasonable at all myself.

 

But yeah first thing would be to tell him about it and let him know he is seriously giving you the shyts and you want him to cut this bs out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Get rid of him and change the code on your garage door opener.

 

For future reference:

There are both federal and state laws that make using or sharing prescription drugs illegal. If you take a pill that was prescribed to someone else or give that pill to another person, not only is it against the law, it's extremely dangerous.https://www.verywellmind.com/using-drugs-without-a-prescription-is-illegal-69457

 

that whole leaving you Xanax and seeing if you take it? It's against the law to give a person medication which wasn't prescribed for them. He's a drug pusher on top of everything else.

Edited by kendahke
Link to post
Share on other sites
He asked me where I keep the safe keys when I replaced my safe a few weeks ago and I was reluctant to tell him. That’s the kind of stuff that makes me wonder but I’ve known him long and don’t think he’s asking to take anything from me.

 

When you don't answer is questions, how does he respond?

No, he's asking to see what he can pawn/sell behind your back.

 

DO. NOT. GIVE. HIM. ANY. ACCESS. TO. ANYTHING. LIKE. THAT.

 

In fact, dump him and get a PRO on him. He's setting you up for something sinister.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He makes me the center of his universe and says he can’t survive without me.

 

Yes he can,.

 

This is a manipulation tactic--and it's as old as time. He will most certainly survive and go find another idiot chump to bleed dry and leave withered by the side of the road.

 

If he talks about killing himself, call the police and let them deal with his suicidal manipulation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Gretchen12

no, he is not controlling. You are just not on the same page. He is behaving like you're a couple married for a long time. But for you, he's just some guy you're dating. I'd say he's moving faster than you are. I don't know if you were married before. But your father probably knew where your mother was most of the time and what meds she was taking. You are not ready be in such a relationship with this guy. So you need to tell him that you just want to date him more casually.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like you just have very different relationship needs, as Gretchen pointed out. Some women might see what he's doing as attentive and caring, including the over the top declaration that he can't survive without you.

 

You feel it's an invasion of privacy and controlling (so would I). So that's all that matters - what you think. Tell him when you don't like what he's doing/saying and if he doesn't stop (he probably wont') then consider ending the relationship so you both can find people better suited to your relationship needs.

Link to post
Share on other sites

even your husband really had no business in your prescription meds, I'm sorry. This is way beyond.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You've been dating 5 years and you :

 

 

 

* are afraid to give him access to your home

* don't like he knows about your meds

 

* he doesn't accompany you to social events like weddings

* you mind he knows your whereabouts

 

 

I don't think he has issues with boundaries, I think you have issues with letting someone in your life.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
even your husband really had no business in your prescription meds, I'm sorry. This is way beyond.

 

 

That is a funny concept. I think I have 100% the right to know what medecin my long term boyfriend or husband takes, it could be a matter of life or death for him. Especially antidepressant, high blood pressure, diabetes meds.

 

 

 

Can you imagine an ambulance comes to your house because your husband collapsed and when paramedics ask you what meds your husband takes you say 'I don't know it's not my business'.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
OatsAndHall

Yes, I would say that he's pushing boundaries. I was married to a woman who has MS and I knew which medications she was on. I was only aware because she told me and I certainly didn't go rooting through the medicine cabinet to see if she was taking them. On several occasions, she was prescribed a new medication and I found out as I went to the medicine cabinet for meds of my own and happened to see the new prescription. But, even then, I didn't bring it up with her; if she told me, she told me. And, I certainly didn't "leave" her any extra meds... That's just ludicrous.

 

 

 

 

 

The safe and the garage are your property and he doesn't need to have access to them. Honestly, even when I am living with another woman, I give them quite a bit of privacy and ask for the same. My ex-wife several pistols in a lock box and I never asked her for the key. They were her property, I didn't shoot them and had no need for the key. Also, I find that insisting that an SO wear something is kind of pathetic. There are certain outfits that Ive liked seeing my SOs' wear but I never bring it up; they can wear whatever they like.

 

 

 

I would suggest that you have a serious talk with him about these issues. If he's not comfortable with the fact that you haven't moved in together then he either needs to come to peace with it or call things off. He cant force his way in...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think some of this man's behavior is cause by her keeping him at arm's length. Imagine her boyfriend would post his side of the story here. My girlfriend doesn't want to give me her keys after 5 years, my gf doesn't invite me to social events after 5 years. My girlfriend has health issues she doesn't share with me....etc etc. We would all tell him to drop her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Feelinguncomfotable

Thanks to all for your thoughts. He’s very anxious to live in my home and I would normally be too on an emotional level I am not ready and may never be ready because of his limited finances. I will not support him and he recently made a comment to me about running short on money in his bank account but I paid for all extras that month including gifts for his family and wedding he was invited to and I attended as his guest as well as paying for airfare to another wedding next weekend for his friends child where I’m going as his guest.

 

So for him to be so curious including my safe sort of gives me the creeps. I don’t think it’s normal at all.

 

FYI I learned he wasn’t running short in his account and he never offered to pay me back for these items. As a matter of fact he bought some gift cards for his daughters for mother’s day and told me a few times that both of our names went on those gifts. I suppose that is meant to make me feel better?

Link to post
Share on other sites

So that makes things a lot clearer - it's not just his invasive and controlling tendencies that are a problem.

 

Sounds like you have a decision to make on whether you should continue seeing him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...