fieldoflavender Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 This dude just broke up with someone 2 months ago. I've been reading articles and there are red flags and he says he hasn't deleted her off fb or their pictures of his phone. He hasn't deleted pics from an ex from a year ago either. I mean to be honest, I deleted everything at first instance. But deep down, I'm not over every single aspect. Overall I think I can date again, but it doesn't mean just because I deleted stuff, I'm over them in all aspects. He's coming on VERY strong and we do have some amazing chemistry and what we want in each other - but it's too heavy too fast. How can you tell? Link to post Share on other sites
TooBad Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I don't think deleting pictures or scrubbing people out of your life is an indication of anything. Except maybe how one deals with a breakup. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Honestly? He is probably rebounding. But... That doesn't mean you're doomed. Just keep trying to meaningfully grow the relationship and pray the ex doesn't come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fieldoflavender Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 At what point is it a "rebound" and at what point is it "not over an ex". I mean my most recent break-up was 3 months ago - but I don't even think about him at all. But my break-up from 2 years ago - I don't know if I am completely over it. But I've had "relationships" since then - so am I still in "rebound"? Or ultimately is this all like - semantics? Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 At what point is it a "rebound" and at what point is it "not over an ex". Not about time. About behaviors. If he's really coming on strong, all lovey dovey very soon, saying all sweet things after one date etc etc, then it's likely hes filling up a void (the ex) and you are the rebound. Because normally with a stranger, you simply dont feel that much love that soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fieldoflavender Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 So if I am swept up by it, is it also because I am trying to fill a void from 2 years ago too? Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Women tend to enjoy being swept up. But it could be because you have low self esteem or you have codependent tendency, or you tend to be a little clingy or you just like those sort of guys. Cuz another woman may think he's needy or desperate. Or maybe you genuinely feel a connection so you tolerant his abnormal behavior. But it doesnt mean he is genuine. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Who broke up with who? If he is the dumper it is likely not a rebound, if he has been dumped then a rebound relationship is very likely. It is all about mindset. The dumper is ready and often excited to move on, that is why they initiated the split, the dumpee is blindsided, heart broken and in no place to date anyone for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 (edited) hmmmm I never really worried about "omg he must be/might be a rebound" because I personally will cut loose any guy that doesnt treat me the way I would want to be treated. so if a guy just so happen to show "rebound" behaviors well then that just means he will be gone. also I too tend to open myself back up to dating quickly after a breakup because I see breakups for what they are. we are no longer together for a good reason and I dont think I or anybody should unecessarily waste time pining for someone who left or they had to leave. not to say that I dont feel hurt I absolutely do and I do have a moment after a significant breakup where I am too sad and dont feel like doing anything (including trying to date). but once I feel like getting back up and out there again I will do so. I would just pay attention to particular red flags and act accordingly like... he talks alot about his ex way too much for my liking and thats the bulk of his conversation i catch him looking at pictures of his ex he is still trying to be friends with the ex he still in some sort of drama with the ex he compares me to the ex even if its positive on my side its still would be very annoying to hear "you do this better than my ex girlfriend/wife. you do that better than my ex" calling the ex name during sex btw these things havent happend to me yet except the one about a guy talking about an ex too much and that positive comparison crap lol. but these are just examples of red flags I would use as a sign that is "reboundish" and that this is not a guy I want to continue dating and if I am with him probably need to gtfo lol. Edited May 16, 2019 by Curiousroxy86 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fieldoflavender Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 That makes sense thanks. He was the dumper (of course I don't know if that's actually true right). Anyways one of my friends said it well - we all have baggage, it's a matter of how much you want to deal with it based on how much the other person is potentially worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 (edited) we all have baggage I would say it depends on what the baggage is and how he deals with Edited May 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author fieldoflavender Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 But it's not unreasonable to be a bit annoyed that there's still ex pictures on his CELL phone that he won't get rid of right. I mean if it's on a hard drive somewhere like ok I guess whatever so if you don't wanna fb delete them because it's "mean" or whatever, ok sure. But then like - on your phone? Seriously? I fail to understand the logic, except I know it's not logical but emotional. Which almost makes it worse. And it's not like he said they're still friends or that it was amicable. My last break-up actually was amicable, but I even got rid of stuff. What is the point? Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I may have to start my own thread on the picture thing. BUT..... I never really understood the "Rebound" thing. Sure... it's easy to fall into a relationship after breaking up, for closeness and/or physical contact. But, if the next person is actually compatible... why wouldn't it just grow? I know I had two relationships after a breakup that didn't work out... and I guess I knew that the other person wasn't really going to work. But I never led them on with "I love you" or things like that. Both of those cases... the girl was almost the aggressor since I'm not really an aggressive kind of guy. so... was that wrong? Not every "Date" turns into a life-long partnership, and not every "Relationship" lasts forever. I guess it all depends on the morals of the person you are dating. Is he/she the kind of person who only wants one thing, and is going to lie about the truth to get it? If so... then it doesn't mater if it's a "Rebound" because that's not the kind of person you would have wanted anyway. My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 (edited) My last break-up actually was amicable, but I even got rid of stuff. What is the point? I too am the type to delete pictures of my ex. I have yet to delete pictures of my exes kid though and dont think I will *shrugs*. I too would probably be annoyed to see pictures on his cell phone but if it was long time ago and has much more recent pictures of other things since then I would probably not make a big stink out of it if they are not even communicating. some people just dont delete things. Edited May 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 What happens in a rebound is that the hurt guy who has just lost Amy finds a new gf, Anne.. He almost immediately slots Anne into the position Amy occupied. He has merely substituted one girl for another. He hardly skips a beat, it is a seamless transition. Anne feels great, she is loved and cherished and adored almost from day one. "This must be true love, it feels so wonderful." She reciprocates in kind. All goes swimmingly well until one day he realises Anne is NOT Amy. He is unsure who Anne really is as he hardly knows her, he was too busy slotting her into Amy's shoes he failed to notice who she really was. The bubble bursts, poor Anne is devastated... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Too bad people don't put photos in a shoe box after a breakup anymore lol. I might have a photo or a few of guys I dated from over 30 years ago. These days where can you put photos away for safe keeping so your new GF/BF isn't going through your damn phone looking for them? Link to post Share on other sites
menyou Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 This dude just broke up with someone 2 months ago. I've been reading articles and there are red flags and he says he hasn't deleted her off fb or their pictures of his phone. He hasn't deleted pics from an ex from a year ago either. I mean to be honest, I deleted everything at first instance. But deep down, I'm not over every single aspect. Overall I think I can date again, but it doesn't mean just because I deleted stuff, I'm over them in all aspects. He's coming on VERY strong and we do have some amazing chemistry and what we want in each other - but it's too heavy too fast. How can you tell? Incredible how stories of others can be so identical! I found out the hard way about too much, too quick. Doesn’t end well. Maybe you’re the exception. Like you were told, it all depends on how much you want to take on. I had to unfriend my ex because he kept liking my posts and commenting but meanwhile he has a new girlfriend! Maybe it’s you. Lol j/k Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 If you have to ask... Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I think you are very much a rebound. How long were they together and how long since the split? You need to be apart for a year in order for either party to heal from it. Rebounds are motivated by a few things : one wants to "show" the other that they can still attract someone and get someone new before the other can, one wants to take things to the next level and thinks they can automatically with the next one, etc. If one person is coming on very strongly, you know they are the rebounder. They are looking for the new person to eliminate the hurt they experienced in the old relationship and they oversee the other person's flaws, often times to an extreme. Hence, the rebound does not work. Need an example of why a rebound doesn't work? Had an old bf of mine rebound and marry a woman barely a year after he had broken up with me. He said he didn't want children and he married a woman with 2 children - one from each previous marriage. Granted, he was probably one of the more ignorant people I have ever encountered, but once she realized this factor about him, wow did she take advantage of him. Long story short, she and her lover were off cavorting on sandy beaches and having a very good time while he was sitting at home supporting her, her kids, her lover in some ways, and paying for her daughter's education. Then she divorced him, married her lover the day after the divorce was final, and barely 6 months later divorced her lover / husband #4. She's been married twice since. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 But as to other signs that you are a rebound, look at the other person's behavior and look at the two of you. If the other person talks about their ex a lot, you know they are bent on hurting or insulting or making that other person jealous. I already mentioned how that person could be coming on very strongly or they will flip flop between running hot and cold. And another is that you may be having a lot of sex and/or you may be going out and having a very good time at all times. You may be thinking what's wrong with either of those things, but what's wrong with those things is that the other person is doing this as a means of blotting out the issues from the past relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fieldoflavender Posted May 18, 2019 Author Share Posted May 18, 2019 I think it depends how much the person meant to them. My last ex - meant very little to me. I think mentally I was over it a month while we were still "together". But yes going too fast has risk. I think the idealism sometimes scares me. Like it could be he's really happy I'm the right one, or it could be him trying to make me to be someone I'm not. Link to post Share on other sites
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