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Is this ok what happened? ***Updated***


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I am very confused about something that happened recently in my relationship. I would appreciate any advice that any of you can give me. Thanks.

So, I have been in a relationship on and off with my boyfriend for 4 years. Recently we had an argument as there have been issues for a while as we don’t spend a lot of time together (he works nights and we don’t live together) which doesn’t help. The argument was pretty bad and out of nowhere he starts sobbing saying he’s sick of arguing and scared I’m going to leave him. I comfort him and told him I wouldn’t leave him ok and he said good and stops crying.

Fast forward a week. He came over the other night as a surprise saying work doesn’t need him tonight and he wanted to see me. I was surprised as wasn’t expecting him, however, was happy to see him. Once in my flat, I told him I needed to get in the shower as had been working earlier and was sweaty. He then asked if he could join me and I said no. He knows I don’t like it and has always respected this in the past. I then got in the shower and closed the door fully. After 5 mins he walked in the bathroom naked and just got in the shower with me. I told him to get out, but he started kissing me and ignored what I said. I didn’t say anything more and just went along with it.

After us both getting out of the shower we got in bed, we started to make out and had sex (me on top) and he came. After lying down cuddling for a bit he suddenly starts tickling me really hard and when I said stop it that hurts, pushing him off he just started to laugh at me and carried on. Next thing he gets on top of me and pushes my legs open and I ask him what he’s doing, as we’ve just had sex. He doesn’t say anything and pushes inside of me. I said stop it as we had just had sex and was tired from work and then he starts tickling me again really hard. I ask him to stop again and he said what “The tickling or sex”. I said the tickling and he stops. He then while still inside me said “I love you ok” and then proceeds to pin one of my hands down and puts his other hand around my throat and starts having sex with me really hard. I didn’t say no but cried out a few times in bed and he started to do it harder. After. He got off me and said, “You didn’t want that did you, I could tell you wasn’t in the mood”. I said no as I was tired from work and we had just had sex. He then said, “You know why I tickle you”? I said no and he replied, “Because I’m the man and I can”.

I am confused about this incident as we have only ever had gentle sex in the past and he has always stopped when I have told him not to do things. I am not sure if my feelings are over the top or even if what he did was that bad?

Thank you in advance.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
He then asked if he could join me and I said no.

 

After 5 mins he walked in the bathroom naked and just got in the shower with me. I told him to get out, but he started kissing me and ignored what I said.

 

when I said stop it that hurts, pushing him off he just started to laugh at me and carried on.

 

Next thing he gets on top of me and pushes my legs open...I said stop it as we had just had sex and was tired from work and then he starts tickling me again really hard.

 

proceeds to pin one of my hands down and puts his other hand around my throat and starts having sex with me really hard. I didn’t say no but cried out a few times in bed and he started to do it harder.

 

"Because I’m the man and I can”.

 

I am not sure if my feelings are over the top or even if what he did was that bad?

 

Yes, it's that bad. Something spurred him on to this dom/rape fantasy. Find out what it is and put a stop to it. He completely disrespected you.

 

What's with the tickling? Does he tickle you often?

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Well , gotta say , once again l am amazed at just what people will say and go into detail about all over the internet to total starngers, like they're just talking about doin the washing or something.

lt just gob smacks me.

But anyway, sounds like he's been reading internet or some how to book or watching some dating coach bs to me., thought he'd try out the new him.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
thought he'd try out the new him.

 

Agree. And the new him is super ICK.

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GeorgiaPeach1

After he disregarded your wishes and got in the shower with you anyway, you rewarded that behavior by riding him to orgasm. Two things are going on with your situation. One, he's not respecting your boundaries and two, you are sending mixed messages about what's acceptable to you.

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Gretchen12

You were right to think this was not an isolated incident and that it was related to the recent argument when he cried. But that argument is also not an isolated incident, it is part of a bigger problem. You said you were on and off. What happened? Relationships that are toxic have often this on and off. You have good moments of course, or else you wouldn't be together. But that doesn't mean it's working out.

If you have an understanding and trust, what he did is fine if you say it's fine. You are consenting adults, who are we to judge? But I don't think there's a whole lot of trust and you don't feel ok. So you have to think if you want to work it out and talk to him or is the relationship on its way out in which case you try to make your exit safely. Don't let him intimidate you into staying when you want out.

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Curiousroxy86

wtfffffffffffff

 

if my boyfriend of 2 years (because by year 3 or 4 no proposal he is not my boyfriend lol) have been respectful and gentle (I question this because 4 years and he all the sudden act like this OP?) but all the sudden does sexual things without my consent? I would leave him. the crying episode I dont see myself leaving, but I would have been concerned. the jumping in the shower with me. I wouldnt leave either. I am so not above back to back sex, but that putting your hand on my throat sh*t especially after I protest and his response about "I am the man"? uh yea the dead man. I kid about that, but I would send a its over between us text, change my locks, and possibly get a restraining order. dont know wtf he learned that sh*t from to try this on you Op but you definitely shouldnt tolerate it if you truly was not fine with it and judging by what you wrote here it really doesnt seem like you were.

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No means no. Twice in one night he didn't listen when you said no. He has no respect for your boundaries. This would not be OK with me & especially after that comment about him being able to do what he pleases because he's a man, he'd no longer be my man.

 

When he asks why you are dumping him, you need to point blank tell him because a real man would never force himself on a woman & since you can no longer trust him to respect you, he is now banished from your life.

 

This is a black & white issue with no wiggle room. Tolerate this at your own peril. It will only get worse.

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Yeah if you're not into having any pleasure at all, continue with this relationship, because that's where it's going.

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MaleIntuition

Were I live that is more or less classified as rape.

 

The on and off relationship, emotional unstability and sudden change of behaviour; paints a picture of a very unhealthy relationship.

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Grapesofwrath

The fact that you are asking the question tells me that you know it's not okay. He violated your boundaries--and you--several times in this scenario. Does he have a history of not respecting boundaries?

 

I think this is DEFINITELY not okay. If you care about him, you should talk to him about it and see if he can address the problem. (If he doesn't see it as a problem, then you have your answer right there.) I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope, as it seems there is something else going on with him that makes him feel he should manipulate you emotionally, and then violate you physically. No means no, and he doesn't get that. But bring it up directly. See what he says. Then tell him this is not a behavior you will tolerate under any circumstances.

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Definitely not ok. It would be considered rape here where I live.

But it sounds like he might have read a bunch of toxic articles/forums where men are being told they have to be agressive and dominant to keep women desiring them. That is if he indeed hasn't done anything like this before.

Or he might just have a dark side to him which comes out in stressfull situations (him being afraid you're gonna leave him).

In any case, have a veeeery serious conversation with him and think through his previous behaviors.

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Not okay at all. He did something he knows that you don't like and followed it up by raping you.

 

And don't think that just because he's your boyfriend, it's not rape. You didn't want it, he did it anyway. End of story.

 

I think this is a burning red flag.

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This guy is a rapist. I tell you what you call the police station and ask them if it's ever okay for a man to act like they might choke a woman out during sex, because that is more than a red flag. That is almost a guarantee that they will get violent.

 

Seriously, I get you couldn't press charges on this because you went along with it and he was your boyfriend, but this guy is a rapist and you need to block him and get someplace safe and stay there in case he tries to come over anyway. This man is violent and unsafe. it's okay to go to the police and just tell them you're not pressing charges because you understand there was a lot of ambiguity and acquiescence but just to get their opinion on the thing and to let them know something is going on in case something else happens.

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The Outlaw

He invited himself into the shower when you clearly told him no. And he forced himself on you after you had sex when you didn't want it. Not good. What happened this once can easily happen again.

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This guy may not be around much certain hours because he's out raping people.

 

You need to at least talk to the police and see if he's got a record. Even if he doesn't what he did was rape you.

 

And he's sadistic. This could escalate in a really bad way. If it should happen that he has priors or you be lucky enough that he was on probation you probably could get him thrown in jail for this. And I don't want to hear these words out of your mouth: But I love him. You love who you hope he was and now you just found out he's a rapist.

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Yes completely out of order this behaviour from the guy,

 

 

He should be locked up,

 

 

get away from him.

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There is a way to engage in D/s play and this is absolutely not the way. Going Dom without the conversation just makes you an a-hole and probably a rapist.

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I am not sure if my feelings are over the top or even if what he did was that bad.

 

You haven't said what your feelings are, only described what happened.

 

What's your reaction to what seems like two rounds of non-consensual sex?

 

Mr. Lucky

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You've been seeing this guy for four years you say, which is quite a long time. All of a sudden he is showing you a different side to himself.

 

A friend of mine's husband was lovely to her when they were first married and then he gradually got more bullying and violent. To cut a long story short, he became violent to her and the children and was arrested by the police.

 

Later on, she found violent sexual material on his computer and it became obvious that her husband was not the guy she thought he was. This was a long time ago now but it shows how some people can hide their other (unpleasant and violent) self for quite some time.

 

Your boyfriend abused you and forced you to do things you did not want. Just because you 'complied' does not mean he had any right to take advantage of your confusion and vulnerability. This is just the start. He is testing you out to see how far you will let him go.

 

Grabbing you by the throat is dangerous. I am sorry but you need to get out of this relationship. He is not showing empathy (consideration for your feelings) and does not care whether you wanted what he did or not. This relationship is going to turn nasty and dangerous. You need to get out now while you can. If you are scared about what he'll do, please talk to the police and domestic violence organisation(s) near you. Make sure you go somewhere safe where he cannot find you easily.

 

There is something particularly awful about what your boyfriend did. I am not surprised you are confused about it. One part of himself appears to be compartmentalised and only shows itself at such times. It hasn't gone away. Please keep yourself safe.

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Dandelioness
.. I comfort him and told him I wouldn’t leave him ok and he said good and stops crying.

 

He then said, “You know why I tickle you”? I said no and he replied, “Because I’m the man and I can”.

 

He's playing you. Is this out of character for him? You've been together for 4 years and it wasn't mentioned if he's crossed boundaries with you before.

 

The last quote is a red flag. And he's wrong. I would make that very clear to him that he CANNOT.. and because you're WOMAN.

 

I'm wondering if he's just testing new territory. Being aggressive sexually can be fun if both parties are open to it (just be safe). He sprung it up on you though and in a disrespectful way. So no, it's not fun that way.

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As this seems to be a new thing with the OP, then I wonder if he is actually playing away or is seeing escorts or is indeed a rapist.

This by what the OP described was a pretty slick act, not some guy fumbling about trying to act dominant for the first time.

The sobbing may be guilt over the stuff he knows the OP would probably dump him for.

 

Choking is not something to be done without safe words and can be fatal in the wrong hands...

 

This change in character is scary and not something the OP should put up with. Trust is broken and without trust there is nothing. She cannot trust this man not to rape her...

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Lotsgoingon

That was rape ... you have the right to be bads@@t furious.

 

Then he announces the "I'm a man" proclamation. Fire his behind. With no severance payments. And get a voice! ... You gotta should "no." I'm not blaming you because your body language and actions made clear you didn't want him inside you.

 

But trust yourself. You feel bad because he treated you horribly. Call up a close friend and discuss this with someone ... so you can get some in-person support so you realize you aren't crazy.

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