Should I be worried about his ex?

[SamanthaBear]

Hello everyone, my name is Samantha.

 

I've been with my boyfriend since January, so not that long however we know each other since November last year.

 

Long story short, they were together for 2 years, broke up in June 2018, I know they were in love, he even wanted to propose to her but the distance made them breaking up. About two months ago they have begun chatting again and just recently she moved to his town... he says he doesn't wanna be with her and that he is just friendly, nothing else. But I got a bad feeling...:(

[Iris The Butterfly]

I would wonder why, if he's in a new relationship with you, that he feels the need to talk to his ex. They clearly have a history and sounds like if the distance was not a factor he may have proposed. So they were in love. One or both of them would still have to be in order for them to stay in communication.

Did he tell you they resumed communication? How did you know?

Did he bring it up or did you find out through the grapevine?

 

If he didn't want to jeopardize what YOU have with him... he wouldn't be in communication with her. Tell him you don't like it and see what he does. If he stops, he means what he said. If he doesn't, that will be your answer.

[kendahke]

Hello everyone, my name is Samantha.

 

I've been with my boyfriend since January, so not that long however we know each other since November last year.

 

Long story short, they were together for 2 years, broke up in June 2018, I know they were in love, he even wanted to propose to her but the distance made them breaking up. About two months ago they have begun chatting again and just recently she moved to his town... he says he doesn't wanna be with her and that he is just friendly, nothing else. But I got a bad feeling...:(

 

That bad feelings is your gut telling you that you are the other woman and their relationship is getting back on track--despite what he's saying to you.

 

Him being friendly with her right now and her moving back to his town to be with him, because c'mon, that's exactly why she's moving there, and him shining you on about what he'd be apoplectic with rage over if you were carrying on with your ex behind his back are a perfect storm of F-ery coming your way.

 

Not to mention: watch how out of joint his nose gets when she starts appearing around your favorite hang out places with random dudes--you know how stupid, thirsty chicks act when they're trying to make their ex that they want back jealous. More of his out-of-sorts attitude and fight picking is going to be about that because he knows he's "stuck" in a new relationship with you when he wants to be territorial with his ex.

 

If he doesn't want to be with her, then why does he need to even talk with her? What's there to talk about? The past they couldn't get to go forward into the future? How often does he plan to go hang out with her, being friendly and all? And they've got a sexual history? No. They're not done--this is their round two. He wants to get with her but doesn't have the stones to let you know that you're on notice for a drop off.

Edited May 15, 2019 by kendahke

[SamanthaBear]

Oh no

 

@littlebridge, a day after I posted our first picture on social media she sent me a long message... so I confronted him and he assured me that it's all done. However, I've seen a few times that her name popped up at his phone. I asked if he still loves her, he answered "of course I care about her as much as I care about any other person", I asked again "do you love her", he said, "I care about her and I wish her all the best, that's all"... I left it, but on her social media, I've seen that she moved on where he lives. I think he's been a bit distanced lately... I don't know. But that thought of her being so close to him makes me cringe.

[Curiousroxy86]

Oh no

 

@littlebridge, a day after I posted our first picture on social media she sent me a long message... so I confronted him and he assured me that it's all done. However, I've seen a few times that her name popped up at his phone. I asked if he still loves her, he answered "of course I care about her as much as I care about any other person", I asked again "do you love her", he said, "I care about her and I wish her all the best, that's all"... I left it, but on her social media, I've seen that she moved on where he lives. I think he's been a bit distanced lately... I don't know. But that thought of her being so close to him makes me cringe.

 

Wtf? Okay now Samantha you not giving the whole story girl lol. What did she say to you exactly?

 

Hmmm

 

If my boyfriends ex sends me a message, I find out he has been communicating with her, and I find out she is moving back?

 

I would point to the communication on his phone concerning her and say “honey this is not okay to me” and If he says it’s over and I have nothing to worry about then I would say “would you be willing to let her know in front of me that you want her to stop contacting me and to stop contacting you?” And see what he says. If he is on some “ummm well we don’t have to do all that” or “we just friends” sh*t then I would say “If you got exes writing me a novel while on social media after I was minding my pretty little business, come move back, and then you expect me to be okay with you continuing communication with her then I think it’s best we breakup”.

 

But that’s just me

Edited May 15, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[The Outlaw]

That's a red flag. Most people cut their ex bf/gf out of their lives for keeps. If he's still talking to her, there's a strong possibility he's not over her.

[BC1980]

Even if he's not seeing her behind your back, he shouldn't be in contact with an ex like that. Especially one that was so significant he wanted to propose to her. How often are they chatting?

[d0nnivain]

You are a rebound. They didn't break up because they fell out of love. They broke up because they couldn't handle the stress of an LDR. The distance has now been closed. So if he is well & truly done with her, there is no reason whatsoever for them to be in contact of any sort. If he wants to be "her friend" you walk away because that slope is way too slippery. She has a much stronger hold on him then you do.

[SamanthaBear]

Wtf? Okay now Samantha you not giving the whole story girl lol. What did she say to you exactly?

 

Hmmm

 

If my boyfriends ex sends me a message, I find out he has been communicating with her, and I find out she is moving back?

 

I would point to the communication on his phone concerning her and say “honey this is not okay to me” and If he says it’s over and I have nothing to worry about then I would say “would you be willing to let her know in front of me that you want her to stop contacting me and to stop contacting you?” And see what he says. If he is on some “ummm well we don’t have to do all that” or “we just friends” sh*t then I would say “If you got exes writing me a novel while on social media after I was minding my pretty little business, come move back, and then you expect me to be okay with you continuing communication with her then I think it’s best we breakup”.

 

But that’s just me

 

The message said something like " so you are his angel now, see you're happy but there's someone whose world just fell down. He's the love of my life, I will never stop loving him...." etc.

 

We just had a crazy fight, we don't talk. I ask him to stop communicating her, he obviously denied talking to her so I message her asking if they do which she said YES, A LOT RECENTLY. I asked for screen shots as a proof. She didn't want to do that, but she sent one... he said that it's a shame it didn't work out between them but life goes on, however he never stopped loving her!Jesus... so much drama.

[d0nnivain]

I have a rule: I don't deal with pot stirring EXs. If some guy's EX contacted me for any reason I dropped him on the spot because I won't do some other girl's drama.

[SamanthaBear]

The worst thing is that if she didn't message me I wouldn't even know she exists and would never know they're in touch...

[Curiousroxy86]

The message said something like " so you are his angel now, see you're happy but there's someone whose world just fell down. He's the love of my life, I will never stop loving him...." etc.

 

We just had a crazy fight, we don't talk. I ask him to stop communicating her, he obviously denied talking to her so I message her asking if they do which she said YES, A LOT RECENTLY. I asked for screen shots as a proof. She didn't want to do that, but she sent one... he said that it's a shame it didn't work out between them but life goes on, however he never stopped loving her!Jesus... so much drama.

 

Uh huh thats nice and all Samantha but what are you going to do about it?

[SamanthaBear]

Uh huh thats nice and all Samantha but what are you going to do about it?

 

I was never that type of person to deal with so much drama in my life, I believe that we should not chase anything in life, everything should happen naturally, on its own. Before I met him, I was engaged... maybe it was too quick to start all that...

[curlygirl40]

Even though a lot of people on this board do not agree, a lot of people stay friends with exes. I am friends with most of my exes. My bf is friends with a handful of his.

 

That doesn't bother me in this situation.

 

What does bother me is that they obviously have unfinished business. And he has an issue with setting boundaries to be sure you feel safe and cared for and not threatened.

 

And she wants your man.

 

Personally I think I would let him go just because this is going to be a problem, and IMO he's not acting the way he should be acting if you are his focus right now.

 

If he loved you and cared about you, if he looked at you as his future and her as his past, he would not want you to feel threatened for one second. He would want to be sure that he wasn't being careless with your heart. And he is.

 

Let him go so they can finish their business while you still have your dignity.

[SamanthaBear]

Even though a lot of people on this board do not agree, a lot of people stay friends with exes. I am friends with most of my exes. My bf is friends with a handful of his.

 

That doesn't bother me in this situation.

 

What does bother me is that they obviously have unfinished business. And he has an issue with setting boundaries to be sure you feel safe and cared for and not threatened.

 

And she wants your man.

 

Personally I think I would let him go just because this is going to be a problem, and IMO he's not acting the way he should be acting if you are his focus right now.

 

If he loved you and cared about you, if he looked at you as his future and her as his past, he would not want you to feel threatened for one second. He would want to be sure that he wasn't being careless with your heart. And he is.

 

Let him go so they can finish their business while you still have your dignity.

 

 

Agree with this...

[SamanthaBear]

I have been reading some of the threads on here and I found very helpful advice - to just ask him to show me any evidence of him contacting her, what they talked about etc... He told me I'm invading his space and he wants no drama. I asked to show me his phone but he said "sorry, I'm late to work already" and left... He's acting like a jerk now, he's never been like this with me before... red flag, right?

[SamanthaBear]

Not to mention that this situation makes me physically ill, I'm feeling like throwing up because of all that stress

Edited May 17, 2019 by SamanthaBear

[kendahke]

I have been reading some of the threads on here and I found very helpful advice - to just ask him to show me any evidence of him contacting her, what they talked about etc... He told me I'm invading his space and he wants no drama. I asked to show me his phone but he said "sorry, I'm late to work already" and left... He's acting like a jerk now, he's never been like this with me before... red flag, right?

 

When he returns, the messages will be wiped off the phone, so he will hand it to you and go in on you for having concrete suspicions.

 

Complete red flag--he intends upon getting with her--his messages should reflect that and he should have no problem showing you conversations where he's telling her to move on and find someone else. Yeah, he can be mad as he wants, but he's given you a really good reason to doubt his word and intentions.

 

The guilty make the most noise.

[BC1980]

In theory, you can be friends with an ex, but it's doesn't usually work out well in real life. Many times, there's an ulterior motive, or old feelings are stirred up. He wanted to marry her, so it was a significant relationship. It sounds like your BF still has feelings for his ex. That's the problem here.

 

My last ex was friends with one of his distant exes, but it never bothered me because I knew they had both moved on. They would exchange Christmas cards and catch up occasionally. So you can be friends with an ex, but your situation doesn't sound like one where it's a good idea.

[Curiousroxy86]

I have been reading some of the threads on here and I found very helpful advice - to just ask him to show me any evidence of him contacting her, what they talked about etc... He told me I'm invading his space and he wants no drama. I asked to show me his phone but he said "sorry, I'm late to work already" and left... He's acting like a jerk now, he's never been like this with me before... red flag, right?

 

Let him go.

[OatsAndHall]

I have a rule: I don't deal with pot stirring EXs. If some guy's EX contacted me for any reason I dropped him on the spot because I won't do some other girl's drama.

 

 

Same here.

 

 

 

Contact with exes is a deal breaker for me, period. An ex is an ex for a reason and they need to stay that way if I'm going to be with a woman. Even if they are just "friends" (I'm not going to touch that one) it adds a variable to the equation that doesn't need to be there. Relationships can be hard enough with out adding in the "ex factor"; there's few things worse in a relationship that being in the middle of patch and seeing that an ex has posted something on a SO's social media page or finding out they're chatting.

 

 

 

 

 

Many years ago, I was in touch with an ex who was married. We had stayed in touch after we broke up and before she started seeing the man she eventually married. Our contact was sporadic; once every couple of weeks. She let me know that he wasn't comfortable with our talking but that he had begrudgingly agreed to let it continue as long as it didn't impact their family time together. Out of respect for her husband and their marriage, I told her that we shouldn't keep talking and wished her well.

[SamanthaBear]

Quick update - he wanna meet and have a talk... I think I know what's coming...

[TooBad]

Don't wait for what's coming. Decide for yourself what you want with this. Don't let it depend on him.

[d0nnivain]

Contact with exes is a deal breaker for me, period. An ex is an ex for a reason and they need to stay that way if I'm going to be with a woman. Even if they are just "friends" (I'm not going to touch that one) it adds a variable to the equation that doesn't need to be there. Relationships can be hard enough with out adding in the "ex factor"; there's few things worse in a relationship that being in the middle of patch and seeing that an ex has posted something on a SO's social media page or finding out they're chatting.

 

Depending on the nature of the contact I don't mind my SO having some incidental contact with their EX. I won't put up with their EX contacting me.

 

I work in a licensed & highly regulated profession. There are a lot of barriers to entry including the necessity of a post graduate degree. I have 2 EXs I met while earning my degree. Every so often I trip over them professionally & there is no avoiding it. In that context I have to talk to them. One EXs our companies collaborated on a project & we were both the leads. I couldn't very well refuse to do my job. DH knew my grad-school EX was my counterpart. We did our jobs & talked about the work. He offered condolences when my parents died & I wished him a Merry Christmas but that was about as personal as we got while we worked together

 

I also dated a divorced man with a son. Obviously he had to co-parent with his EX. When that woman tried screaming at me, I had to draw hard lines. We were able to sort it out. When I had to interact with her, our discussions were limited to the weather & the child's well being. I really had no interest in talking to her.

[OatsAndHall]

Depending on the nature of the contact I don't mind my SO having some incidental contact with their EX. I won't put up with their EX contacting me.

 

I work in a licensed & highly regulated profession. There are a lot of barriers to entry including the necessity of a post graduate degree. I have 2 EXs I met while earning my degree. Every so often I trip over them professionally & there is no avoiding it. In that context I have to talk to them. One EXs our companies collaborated on a project & we were both the leads. I couldn't very well refuse to do my job. DH knew my grad-school EX was my counterpart. We did our jobs & talked about the work. He offered condolences when my parents died & I wished him a Merry Christmas but that was about as personal as we got while we worked together

 

I also dated a divorced man with a son. Obviously he had to co-parent with his EX. When that woman tried screaming at me, I had to draw hard lines. We were able to sort it out. When I had to interact with her, our discussions were limited to the weather & the child's well being. I really had no interest in talking to her.

 

 

I have no issue with the incidental contact you described; I've dated my fair share of divorced women with children and they had an amicable relationship with their exes because of the kids. If one's profession or life in general happens to bring them in contact with their exes, then that's the way it is. I'm not bothered by the sporadic, friendly interactions either as those have always proven to be harmless.

 

 

 

It's the consistent, casual contact with exes that I take issue with. I have dated my fair share of women over the last few years who chat with an ex continually; some on a nearly daily basis via social media. They've always stated that they're "just friends" which is probably the absolute truth at the time. But, it's still not something I'm comfortable with. I'm not going to be a controlling a$$ and make any demands; I just wish them well and call it off.