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Am I being lovebombed and should I stop seeing this guy?


susybill2019

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susybill2019

I met this guy a month ago on an online dating website. We started talking and after a week he asked me out for dinner.

 

The dinner went ok, but I found it weird that he didn't talk much and stared at my eyes most of the time like hipnotized by me or something. I did most of the talking. He seemed shy and sweet and kissed me at the end of the date.

 

Then we had another date a few days later, we went for a walk and coffee and he seemed a bit more open and talkative. Then he started sending messages like he is so into me, he thinks I might be his soulmate, etc.

 

So we went on a third date to a fair and dinner. He did the staring thing again most of the time. He took me back to mine in his car and I invited him to come inside my house.

 

So, long story short, we slept together that night and sex was amazing. But, the thing is, he decided (didn't ask, decided) to stay the next day all day at mine (it was Sunday). We didn't go out or anything, it was all day together, in bed, or eating, etc. Again, he would not talk much.

 

I thought well ok, we were infatuated and might be normal. But, the next day (Monday), he decided to stay at mine again. I work from home, so he decided not to go to his office where he works, and work from his laptop and stay at mine with me. Again, his decision.

 

Then, next day (Tuesday), he decided to do the same. And also, the crazyness started. He said "I love you", said I'm his soulmate, would stare into my eyes until I'm very uncomfortable, and even mentioned he moving in and we live together...

 

So by Wednesday I had enough and told him we should take things slow, to what he responded saying I'm right and he agrees but I could tell he didn't like it and felt resentful.

 

So he went back to his home and I finally had some time to breathe and think about this.

 

I've had relationships in the past and guys that slept at mine but never that decided to stay for days like this! Especially without asking me, just deciding.

 

It was like for him saying "I love you" entitles him to do as he pleases.

 

I don't like this and don't feel comfortable. Just because I invited him over and he slept at mine that night doesn't mean he's invited to stay for days, especially the first time.

 

Is he lovebombing me and should I end things? This all looks like a huge red flag to me. :confused:

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He's not love bombing you but you need to be better about enforcing your own boundaries. Why on earth would let some stranger stay in your home for 3 work days?

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Ruby Slippers

Vet him very, very carefully. I just ended a relationship with my on-off boyfriend of 5 months who came on very strong and fast, similar to this.

 

I read up on the matter over the past week and found it's very common for guys with major issues to take this approach. They also deliver off-the-charts sex, romance, and fun, as they know there are gaping holes in what they can offer otherwise, so they put on a full-court press in hopes of locking you down fast.

 

In my case, he's kind of a mess financially, among other issues, making him a no-go for marriage.

 

Looking back, I can see I allowed him to sweep me up in it all because I'd been single a long time and was kinda lonely and sex-starved - by choice, not into casual. If you can suspend disbelief, it's fun and flattering - for a while.

 

He's not a bad guy, just a bad choice for a long-term partner.

 

Men who are solid don't leap in like this - rather, take a slower, more sensible approach.

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susybill2019
He's not love bombing you but you need to be better about enforcing your own boundaries. Why on earth would let some stranger stay in your home for 3 work days?

 

When he stayed the night on Saturday it wasn't my intention for hm to stay for 3 days. I thought we would wake up together on Sunday morning, have breakfast and then decide together what we want to do, maybe spend some more time together, go somewhere for a walk, etc, and then he would go back to his.

 

I think he just caught me by surprise staying and staying longer, and it was everything very intense with him, I felt my head was spinning and I couldn't even think straight.

 

It was when he finally got out that I had the space to think. So I did put boundaries in the end and told him this is way too much too soon, but I guess the whole situation caught me by surprise and all his intensity with the I love you's and etc.

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susybill2019
Vet him very, very carefully. I just ended a relationship with my on-off boyfriend of 5 months who came on very strong and fast, similar to this.

 

I read up on the matter over the past week and found it's very common for guys with major issues to take this approach. They also deliver off-the-charts sex, romance, and fun, as they know there are gaping holes in what they can offer otherwise, so they put on a full-court press in hopes of locking you down fast.

 

In my case, he's kind of a mess financially, among other issues, making him a no-go for marriage.

 

Looking back, I can see I allowed him to sweep me up in it all because I'd been single a long time and was kinda lonely and sex-starved - by choice, not into casual. If you can suspend disbelief, it's fun and flattering - for a while.

 

He's not a bad guy, just a bad choice for a long-term partner.

 

Men who are solid don't leap in like this - rather, take a slower, more sensible approach.

 

 

 

Thank you. Yes I feel there's some issues in him. He is very open in saying how he feels about me, but is very closed off to talk about himself or asking me questions to know more about me. It all feels very shallow.

 

I have been lonely and sex-starved for a while too (also not into casual), and it felt flattering for a while yes.

 

I don't think I'm going to see him again as the whole thing is making me scared.

 

May I ask how did you finally end things with him for good and found out exactly how he is?

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Ruby Slippers
May I ask how did you finally end things with him for good and found out exactly how he is?

In contrast to your guy, my guy was very open about himself and his issues from the beginning. So really, I went into the whole thing with eyes wide open.

 

We were off and on the whole time. I took a break or broke up with him almost 10 times over 5 months, in part because anytime we were on, he came on very strong and essentially lived with me, which was too much too fast. I allowed it because I enjoyed living with him and he did a lot around the house/yard, we had a great time. Whenever I told him to go home, he'd try to change my mind, but ultimately would go, give me some space, then get in touch soon after to try to change my mind.

 

He did make a lot of positive changes in the problem areas during the time we were together, and he's overall a good guy who was serious and getting his life in better shape, just not very consistent.

 

This time I was a lot more stern in communicating that I just don't see a long-term future, so he's stayed away for a whole week, which I think is a record for him :p

 

The straw that broke the camel's back for me was him not working a full 40 hours the week before I dumped him, for no good reason other than he didn't feel like it. He's a Marine vet who gets a good amount of money from the government for his combat injuries, self-employed and inconsistent with his work hours. I'd told him many times that I could never get serious with a man who doesn't reliably work full-time, as I've worked full-time and beyond my entire life, since I was babysitting to save up for college in junior high school, and I'm not about to drag along dead weight, no matter how good the romance, sex, and fun are.

 

He'll do better with a woman with much lower standards and not much long-term vision. He's great "in the moment", just a bad bet for the long haul.

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susybill2019
In contrast to your guy, my guy was very open about himself and his issues from the beginning. So really, I went into the whole thing with eyes wide open.

 

We were off and on the whole time. I took a break or broke up with him almost 10 times over 5 months, in part because anytime we were on, he came on very strong and essentially lived with me, which was too much too fast. I allowed it because I enjoyed living with him and he did a lot around the house/yard, we had a great time. Whenever I told him to go home, he'd try to change my mind, but ultimately would go, give me some space, then get in touch soon after to try to change my mind.

 

He did make a lot of positive changes in the problem areas during the time we were together, and he's overall a good guy who was serious and getting his life in better shape, just not very consistent.

 

This time I was a lot more stern in communicating that I just don't see a long-term future, so he's stayed away for a whole week, which I think is a record for him :p

 

The straw that broke the camel's back for me was him not working a full 40 hours the week before I dumped him, for no good reason other than he didn't feel like it. He's a Marine vet who gets a good amount of money from the government for his combat injuries, self-employed and inconsistent with his work hours. I'd told him many times that I could never get serious with a man who doesn't reliably work full-time, as I've worked full-time and beyond my entire life, since I was babysitting to save up for college in junior high school, and I'm not about to drag along dead weight, no matter how good the romance, sex, and fun are.

 

He'll do better with a woman with much lower standards and not much long-term vision. He's great "in the moment", just a bad bet for the long haul.

 

OMG 10 times in 5 months :eek:

 

Thank you for sharing. Well I am self-employed and have inconsistent working hours :p But that's how I choose to live, and I make good money from it.

 

I understand what you mean and you both probably wanted different things.

 

With my guy, he looks serious too and not a bad person, he just feels VERY needy and wanting to get a goal fast. I think he loves the whole "be in a relationship and living together life".

 

I love it too, but I like to take things slow. To me getting to that part of living together can take many many months of getting to know each other and going through different stages, it's not something to talk about after we sleep together the first time.

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the sex might be good, but if you are not relaxed together and it is awkward then long term potential has to be doubtful??

 

 

I am curious at his wanting to hang around so long, a lot of guys if it goes well they are happy to exit, not overstay their welcome and look forward to another meeting in a few days,

 

 

If I was a girl I would find his behaviour a little creepy but wait and see how it develops I suppose.

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I would be pretty creeped out if I invited a guy home after the third date and he stayed for three days. I would also be very weary of a guy who told me he loved me, he wanted to move in and marry me after a week!

 

This may well be the kind of guy who sits outside your door and follows you wherever you go when you break up...

 

Definitely agree with the comment that you need to enforce better boundaries OP. I would also be concerned with the lack of conversation... Good sex is good sex but if I’m going to be with a guy (and he’s planning to move in an marry me) you better believe I want to be able to have an intelligent conversation with him. ;)

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Gretchen12

He wanted someone who's not too good at saying no to him. And you haven't seen his place. This is a total stranger from online. Do you even know his full name, home address and place of employment? It's too much!

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The Outlaw

Saying 'I love you' after three dates is way too soon, and no matter what you decide to do in the long run, feelings like that should take time and it just raises too many questions. Sure, he may not be a bad person, but again, it's still way too soon. And if it's made you feel uncomfortable, he needs to leave.

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The fact that he didn't like it and felt resentful when you sent him home makes me think he is bat shyt crazy and even can be abusive later into a relationship.

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amaysngrace

Trust your instincts. If something seems off it’s because it is.

 

Staring into your eyes? Was he at least smiling when he was or was it just a blank stare?

 

Some people move super quick because they don’t want you to know the real them and can only act one way for so long. I’d be careful but mostly I’d trust those instincts of yours.

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I'veseenbetterlol

This isn't love bombing. That behavior is him being clingy and desperate. Also not a good sign.

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susybill2019

Guys, thank you so much and you raised a lot of the right concerns.

 

I like a relationship to move at a normal pace, where we connect more and more each day and week, but not like we're fast speeding somewhere.

 

I've had a long-term relationship that ended 2 years ago and I do want to be in a relationship again, but want to take my time to get to know the other person.

 

At this point I don't even know if I want to be commited to him, much less wanting to live together! :eek:

 

I just think me and this guy are not on the same page. He feels needy and desperate yes, and I feel like he has a goal in mind, and is not even making an effort to get to know the real me.

 

Saying he loves me after 3 dates? But love what if he doesn't know me at all? That all sounds weird and not a good sign.

 

And the worst part is when I put my boundaries and say it's too much too soon, and etc, he doesn't like it and gets resentful. It's like he doesn't care what I want, like I'm just an object to fulfill his romantic goals.

 

I'm gonna go out with him one more time and see how I feel, and might end it if I continue to feel the same.

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I'm gonna go out with him one more time and see how I feel, and might end it if I continue to feel the same.

 

Or... he may just come back to your house, you have sex, and he will stay for another three days. ;)

 

Seriously, your post reads - I don’t like this, and these are all the reasons why... and then, in your last statement you say “I’m going to go out with him again and see how I feel...”

 

Boundaries. Once you make a decision or set a boundary you need to enforce it.

 

Please, be careful with this guy.

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susybill2019
Or... he may just come back to your house, you have sex, and he will stay for another three days. ;)

 

Seriously, your post reads - I don’t like this, and these are all the reasons why... and then, in your last statement you say “I’m going to go out with him again and see how I feel...”

 

Boundaries. Once you make a decision or set a boundary you need to enforce it.

 

Please, be careful with this guy.

 

OMG no! He's not coming back to my house. And THAT was a lesson for me to not bring guys to my house too soon before I know them!

 

I guess you're right, I have already made up my mind in regards to him and he already showed how he is. I don't think it makes sense to go out with him again.

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Art_Critic

He is giving you a form of love bombing, telling you what he thinks you want to hear in order to dip his wick...

 

He isn't in love with you, those are just words.. and the 3 days thing.. wow.. weird..

I've done the stay the night and have sex half the night thru the next morning but after breakfast the date had to end..

 

Don't have sex with him again.... it will only perpetuate the whole thing.

If you are up for NSA sex then go find some guy that isn't going to hurt your self esteem.. because in the end this guy is full of it and you are going to get hurt.

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susybill2019
He is giving you a form of love bombing, telling you what he thinks you want to hear in order to dip his wick...

 

He isn't in love with you, those are just words.. and the 3 days thing.. wow.. weird..

I've done the stay the night and have sex half the night thru the next morning but after breakfast the date had to end..

 

Don't have sex with him again.... it will only perpetuate the whole thing.

If you are up for NSA sex then go find some guy that isn't going to hurt your self esteem.. because in the end this guy is full of it and you are going to get hurt.

 

Thank you. No I'm not up to NSA sex, I want a relationship but one that develops at a normal pace.

 

Yes I agree, the date should have stopped after breakfast or at the very least (because it was Sunday), we could have gone OUT of my house to do something together, like have a meal or a walk somewhere and then he would go back to his house.

 

It was like he felt entitled to stay at mine, and was shocked when I put boundaries.

 

It's like a little kid who feels entitled to play with someone else's toy and is told he cannot play with it anymore because the toy's owner wants it back. He doesn't like it and feels resentful, not giving a shyt to what others want. That's how it felt to me.

 

It's like the "I love you" and he wanting to stay at mine entitles him to do as he pleases.

 

Whatever it is, this guy has got issues and I'm not staying longer to see what they are. :eek:

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It was like he felt entitled to stay at mine, and was shocked when I put boundaries.

 

What boundaries did you put exactly? You invited a guy that you barely know back to your place after the third date, had sex, and then let him stay for three days... it’s hard to find any boundaries there.

 

I’m sorry, I’m not saying this to be difficult. You seem like such a nice person, I just want you to really think about this critically so that you will learn from this and not put yourself in an unsafe situation. Hopefully this guy goes away quickly... I would hate for you to get yourself into a really dangerous situation.

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susybill2019
What boundaries did you put exactly? You invited a guy that you barely know back to your place after the third date, had sex, and then let him stay for three days... it’s hard to find any boundaries there.

 

I’m sorry, I’m not saying this to be difficult. You seem like such a nice person, I just want you to really think about this critically so that you will learn from this and not put yourself in an unsafe situation. Hopefully this guy goes away quickly... I would hate for you to get yourself into a really dangerous situation.

 

Well obviously I invited him over to mine because I wanted to, and allowed him to stay the 3 days, he didn't force me into it.

 

It was just that those 3 days he stayed over everything was very intense with him, it was like we were in this bubble of love and I couldn't even think straight.

 

I put the boundaries after those 3 days, when he started saying "I love you" and mentioning us living together, that's when it clicked and I told him this is going too fast too soon, and we better slow down, and that he should go home now.

 

Then he didn't like it and felt resentful.

 

So maybe I was a bit naive and then I woke up.

 

I never expect people to take advantage of me when I'm being nice to them. To me an invite to go inside my house is not an invite to live together or stay over for days. So I wasn't expecting it.

 

But it was a lesson for me to not bring strangers inside my house.

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What a weird guy! Do you want to continue seeing him? Is he even interesting to you as a person, if he doesn't talk much?

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lana-banana

Don't go out with him again. Seriously. Text (or call) and say you aren't feeling it, you need to go your separate ways, etc, then immediately block his number. Then tell several friends and family members in writing what happened. Telling a coworker is also a good idea.

 

This is a dangerous situation. No matter how or when you break it off he isn't going to take it well. He knows where you live, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that he might stalk you and demand a conversation, or worse. Please take care of yourself and pay extra attention when you go out alone.

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Curiousroxy86

I say yes he is love bombing

 

I say you can go with your gut and just not date him anymore because your gut is more than likely right

 

or at the least if you do decide to date him

 

have your fun but be safe and have boundaries, keep your eyes open, and as soon as he becomes distant or disrespectful cut his behind loose

 

the problem with love bombs is that many men do it but when you start to believe him illogically and prematurely and if/when he acts less than "loving" you dont put up boundaries and you dont let him go when you should.

 

good luck

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susybill2019
What a weird guy! Do you want to continue seeing him? Is he even interesting to you as a person, if he doesn't talk much?

 

Not really, no. I was very attracted physically to him, and also of course I liked the affection and attention.

 

But, for a long term relationship I need more than that, I need interesting open conversations (the kind of people you can talk to for hours), need common goals and values and also that the other person has an interesting life so we can talk about it and share.

 

He is the type that for example, he mentioned he likes travel and has travelled a lot to many countries, and.... that's it. That's all I know about his travels. Shouldn't he have stories to tell, things he did or learned, that he can talk about? But no, he's very closed off.

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