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When is a good time to raise my concern that hes losing interest?


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Hello everyone. Just a quick question on texting...

I'm seeing a guy, fresh relationship, about a month. Previously he would text me pretty much every day and we see each other pretty consistently. This week however, he just stopped initiating texts. When I text him, our conversation is fine. But when I don't text him, i don't hear from him. It's been 3 days like this and Im feeling uneasy. I don't know if it's a sign of him pulling away.

We have a date tomorrow. Should I bring this up or should I keep observing for a few more days?

if I bring this up, how should I word it that doesnt make me sound nagging?

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If he's organising dates and enjoying 1:1 time, then he's not pulling away. Were the texts you were sharing of high value, or were they just time wasters?

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At a month of dating, you are observing PERIOD. You aren't trying to change them in any way by talking about things you don't like about them already. Either the way he is now is the way you're liking him so far, or it isn't.

 

I'm not sure what you mean "when I don't text him, I don't hear from him". Are you saying that you wait as long as you can for him to text you and when the anxiety of wondering if he will gets too high, you reach out to him? If so, stop it. Wait it out. You don't know if he would have reached out or not. Just because he isn't reaching out as quickly or as often as you'd like doesn't mean he wouldn't have reached out. If he doesn't reach out to you, so be it. Relax.

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The quality & quantity of texts are meaningless. It's a horrid form of communication, best left to short messages like "pick up milk." Put no stock whatsoever in this. It measures nothing, especially not interest. If you are regularly seeing each other & your in person interactions are good, that is all that matters.

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Blind-Sided

I would say... most guys don't want to continue to txt just for the sake of saying "Hi". I know when I first got married, the wife and I talked about that, and agreed to only call during the day if there was something n really wrong, or if you really just needed to hear each other's voice. (bad day) This was obviously before txt'ing was the norm. But later on, and I was traveling... it was the same way. We only TxT each other with real questions, and would talk at the end of the day. (after the kids went to bed)

 

 

As above... if the txt's in question were time wasters, then he just may be slowing down. You will get your real answer on the date with his actions.

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If he was never a big texter, I wouldn't stress over it. But he used to text a lot and now suddenly stopped, that's like a change if pattern that's got me worried.

I loath when guys do the slow fade, texting less and hoping I'd get the hint. I really want to tell him if hes had a change of heart, please tell me so straight away.

 

Yes I do kind of wait for him to text and if he doesn't, I get anxious and eventually reach out. I get anxious because I dont have the answer if hes fading. I can only have a peace of mind when I get the answer...

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Some people do not like to "over text" as it can mean when you do meet there is little to talk about as it has all been said already...

 

Don't say anything, nothing worse than huge discussions about "the relationship", when there is no "relationship" as yet.

Be friendly, happy and fun, do not be a moaning Minny...

if the date goes badly or doesn't happen then you will know what to do.

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I really want to tell him if hes had a change of heart, please tell me so straight away....

 

If you say this to him like this, he will conclude you are a clingy nut job. I am not saying you are. I am telling you that is how your concerns will read to him.

 

Instead, say something like "Hey I enjoyed all the texts you used to send. Is there a reason you slowed your pace?" Do not accuse him of having a change of heart. You will put him on the defensive. It's OK to have the discussion just chose your words very carefully.

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Don't say anything, nothing worse than huge discussions about "the relationship", when there is no "relationship" as yet.

Be friendly, happy and fun, do not be a moaning Minny...

if the date goes badly or doesn't happen then you will know what to do.

 

Yeah feels like no matter what I say, its gonna sound clingy. But if i dont say anything i wont know what happened? Then things continue to be like this, what do I do? Just stop initiating anything and mutually ghost each other?

 

Instead, say something like "Hey I enjoyed all the texts you used to send. Is there a reason you slowed your pace?" Do not accuse him of having a change of heart.

But wouldn't that sound like I'm nagging him " hey why don't you text me like before anymore"? And I'm pretty sure he will just say hes been busy. And that pretty much answers nothing..

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stillafool
If he was never a big texter, I wouldn't stress over it. But he used to text a lot and now suddenly stopped, that's like a change if pattern that's got me worried.

I loath when guys do the slow fade, texting less and hoping I'd get the hint. I really want to tell him if hes had a change of heart, please tell me so straight away.

 

Yes I do kind of wait for him to text and if he doesn't, I get anxious and eventually reach out. I get anxious because I dont have the answer if hes fading. I can only have a peace of mind when I get the answer...

 

Ask yourself why are you anxious? Is he the last guy in your town? So what if he has lost interest wouldn't it be better to know now during this getting to know each other period than months down the line? Don't tie yourself in knots over losing some guy. There are plenty more.

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Asking once is not nagging. Expressing a preference for something you enjoyed is allowed & doesn't make you needy. It's your relationship too.

 

Then try asking him about his day when you aren't together. Just reach out as you see fit & stop being hung up on whose "turn" it is or worse, being a 1950s teen about it & thinking as the woman you can't call a man.

 

Just be careful how you phrase it. Do not plant the seeds of a break up. Just don't. Focus on the specific behavior: how often he texts, not the bigger picture.

 

If he really is busy, then what? My husband just kissed me good-bye as he headed out for work. I will leave here in about an hour. I will not return home until 9 p.m. tonight. Over the course of the next 14 hours I do not expect to send or receive a text, phone call, email or smoke signal from my husband. We will both be busy doing our jobs. It is possible to have a lovely, stable committed relationship without being in constant contact.

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Ask yourself why are you anxious? Is he the last guy in your town? So what if he has lost interest wouldn't it be better to know now during this getting to know each other period than months down the line? Don't tie yourself in knots over losing some guy. There are plenty more.

 

Exactly, if hes losing interest I'd like to know NOW. Not weeks from now when he slowly fades and I finally get the hint.. so I really want to ASK HIM NOW.

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So ask him. It will cause him to lose interest & then you will be free of this.

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Asking once is not nagging. Expressing a preference for something you enjoyed is allowed & doesn't make you needy. It's your relationship too.

 

Then try asking him about his day when you aren't together. Just reach out as you see fit & stop being hung up on whose "turn" it is or worse, being a 1950s teen about it & thinking as the woman you can't call a man.

 

Just be careful how you phrase it. Do not plant the seeds of a break up. Just don't. Focus on the specific behavior: how often he texts, not the bigger picture.

 

If he really is busy, then what? My husband just kissed me good-bye as he headed out for work. I will leave here in about an hour. I will not return home until 9 p.m. tonight. Over the course of the next 14 hours I do not expect to send or receive a text, phone call, email or smoke signal from my husband. We will both be busy doing our jobs. It is possible to have a lovely, stable committed relationship without being in constant contact.

 

I agree we dont need to be in constant contact. Like I said if he wasn't texting me much before I'd be totally fine.

 

But he was texting a lot and now changed.. should I be concerned? Not that I need him to text me, but rather I need to know if he's losing interest.

 

Im also considering just pretending I didn't notice the difference and dont say anything tomorrow, just be fun and enjoy the date, then observe if he starts to contact me again? Meanwhile dont initiate any contact? Just gonna try hard to force myself to not be anxious...

Edited by h0000
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Go ahead and ask him. Be prepared for him to lie to you because he doesn't have anything else lined up yet and/or for him to "up things" a little for a while to keep you around.

 

 

Asking him is needy and makes me cringe at least. Just end it on the grounds that he isn't pursuing you in a way that makes you feel like he's really interested. Or, just chillax and stop pulling him. If he doesn't reach out on his own and you essentially ghost each other, so be it. You really want to know if he's interested? Don't reach out and if he doesn't start wondering where you are and reach out himself, it means he wasn't that interested and if he takes a week or more that's low interest at best. You've been doing your part in terms of showing interest, right? Responding to him regularly and in a timely fashion, accepting his dates, etc. He's the one giving you cause to wonder. Let him show you what's what.

 

 

In the meantime, you're living your life. Go out and have a good time with friends. See if there's someone else you might be interested in. Who knows.

Edited by Redhead14
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During the date you may find out why he is a bit distant. Work stresses, family stresses, health stresses, etc. or he may just look bored and uninterested in anything you have to say as he is not "feeling it".

There is no need to go in guns ablazing, accusing him of not caring, just listen to him. If he is lukewarm about you with no real cause, then end it.

You can't force people to care about you.

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If you absolutely need to say something, just make it a general conversation about your preferences with texting and communication: "I really like texting as a form of communication. I think it keeps people connected" (or something like that) and then "do you like texting"?

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Curiousroxy86

Few things

 

Early phase of dating he is not your boyfriend. He has not asked to be your exclusive boyfriend. It is best to have fun, be in the moment, and observe the actions he naturally show you. Why? So you can decide if he is even boyfriend worthy to you on what he does on his own and your not applying pressure to a guy that haven’t even decided if he wants to be your boyfriend and if your presence is pleasant to be around then that sets the tone and encourages a guy to want to contact you all on his own.

 

That being said I wouldn’t bring up his texting habits in the non boyfriend stage. Why? Men do what they want to do. If he is not texting you what does that mean? He doesn’t want to. That’s information you need to realize. So again when y’all are together be in the moment and have fun and I would stop texting him when y’all are not together and see if he will continue to move the relationship forward on his own. Let him initiate contact and you respond positive to him. Why? Because men who really like you do move the relationship forward without you having to try to get him to do anything. If you don’t hear from him anymore then he didn’t like you like that. He just responded every time you reached out because you were there and it was like you offered yourself on a platter and it was just an easy cure of boredom and time to pass for him. If that’s the case you need to move on and date other men who do contact you naturally on their own. Now If he does continues to contact you and ask you out after you stop texting him then he is still interested in you.

 

In continuation If he is invested and become your exclusive boyfriend theeeeeeen you can address his texting habit if it’s even still a problem by that time. When he is your exclusive boyfriend and he doesn’t text you as often as you would like then you can say “honey it feels good to me when you text me. I would really love it if you texted me more. Would you be willing to do that for me babe?”. What you think a good boyfriend is going to say to a sweet request like that? “F*ck yea!” Now whatever his response is you have to respect it but know that you don’t have to tolerate anything that’s a deal breaker for you. So if he doesn’t respond favorably as in “no” or even if he says yes and his actions doesn’t follow through or he gives excuses then don’t argue about it. Don’t bring it up again or ask again or that would be considered nagging. You then would have to accept that you have a boyfriend that’s not going to text you and you either decide to stay with the boy despite his texting habits or you leave. Thats how you handle that like a boss but I only recommend that during exclusivity.

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Just to make sure....ya don't think he may be waiting for me to text him right? Because for the past month it's kinda always him who initiates..

Yesterday I was expecting his message but nothing so I got anxious and reached out. But thats pretty much the only time I initiate.

I do show great interest when I see him though.

Edited by h0000
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Curiousroxy86
Just to make sure....ya don't think he may be waiting for me to text him right? Because for the past month it's kinda always him who initiates..

Yesterday I was expecting his message but nothing so I got anxious and reached out. But thats pretty much the only time I initiate.

I do show great interest when I see him though.

 

If he does stop texting you then let him and if he does text again do what you always have. Respond positive.

 

I wouldn’t worry about initiating texts unless he explicitly says “hey text me sometimes”

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Just to make sure....ya don't think he may be waiting for me to text him right? Because for the past month it's kinda always him who initiates..

Yesterday I was expecting his message but nothing so I got anxious and reached out. But thats pretty much the only time I initiate.

I do show great interest when I see him though.

 

 

It's not realistic to think that things will always be the same every hour, every day, every week, etc. You can't fall apart every time there's a little blip. If it happens one day, ok. If it goes on for a bunch of days, yeah, you might worry a little. Even then, you sit back. You've only been dating this guy for a month. Don't put a strangle hold on him.

 

 

If he's losing interest, you're aren't going to boost his interest by imposing yourself on him. Be receptive, be responsive. Yes, you should start initiating some so that he doesn't feel like he's doing all the work but right now, you're feeling anxious, so let him show you a bit more. One of these days, though, you should invite him somewhere and pay . . . Don't reach out to him because you're anxious. Reach out with "quality".

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I agree with everything Redhead has said.

 

Try to change your thinking from "Does he still like me? Is he slow fading me?"

to "does the way he acts coincide with what I want in a relationship?" and observe him.

If he's not up to par with what you want, move on.

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"Never" is a good time to confront someone that they're losing interest! Have you no pride? If they're losing interest, you try to be more entertaining when you're together, not turn into a nag about it. And if you two just don't have what it takes to keep some interest, you let it go and move on to someone else.

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Versacehottie
So ask him. It will cause him to lose interest & then you will be free of this.

 

lol, precisely. yes my answer to the title of this thread would be "NEVER".

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stillafool
Exactly, if hes losing interest I'd like to know NOW. Not weeks from now when he slowly fades and I finally get the hint.. so I really want to ASK HIM NOW.

 

But did you ask yourself why you are afraid to lose him? That is why you're anxious.

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