Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 Hello, I am new here and am looking for some advice or to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation to me before. I met someone on a dating app about 3 months ago (me F38, him 37), we live about 90 minute drive from each other. We met up quite quickly and then had a number of consecutive weekend dates, all of which went really well. We spoke on the phone and texted most days in between dates. After about a month, there was a misunderstanding where he said he thought I wasn’t interested and completely backed off. I tend to be quite guarded in the early stages of a relationship whereas he is more full on and seems to need reassurance. I did really like him so ended up chasing him a bit which seemed to make him responsive and come back around. During this time, we went about a month without seeing each other (where I’m sure he was meeting others), I’d pretty much given up until the point he came back and asked if we could meet again, going back to ‘blowing hot’ and saying all the things he would say before. We met up again just over a week ago and that went really well, I’m getting all of the ‘can’t wait to see you again’ texts and he initiated the next date for this weekend which involves us spending the whole weekend together. Here’s the thing – I’ve got this niggling feeling that he’s seeing another person, maybe more? These could be people he met during our glitch, or since. The signs are there, eg he’s busy a lot on the weekends that I don’t seem him and sometimes doesn’t reply to an evening text from me until the next day. Plus always seems to be on Whatsapp. We both deleted the dating app after a few dates but I’m unsure on whether he reactivated his, or whether he was on others. We have not really had a proper conversation about exclusivity but I have told him I’m not dating anyone else. He says tongue in cheek things to me like he’d ‘marry me tomorrow’ and that he really wants things to work out between us. I suppose my question is, should I ask him this weekend what his intentions are and whether he wants to be exclusive or should I just cut my losses and let it go? I don’t really want to straight out ask if he’s dating anyone else as I’m sure he’d say no regardless. I feel like I want to know either way so I can stop wondering and enjoy time with him, or move on and start looking again. I was clear with him when we met that I’m looking for longterm and not casual (he also said he was looking for a relationship), I also made this clear when I was trying to convince him that I was interested and he still came back knowing how I felt. Thanks, sorry this is long! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 I suppose my question is, should I ask him this weekend what his intentions are and whether he wants to be exclusive Well, what is the worst that could happen? He says no, you say goodbye. Or he says yes, you live happily ever after. Either way it's better than being in the dark. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 If you feel that even if he says yes to being exclusive, he will still see other women then you need to cut your losses. A relationship thrives on trust if you don't have trust, then you have nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 You definitely need to talk to him. Don't act based on your unconfirmed fears alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 It’s time for a conversation... Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 I wouldn’t expect exclusivity from any man unless he asks to be your exclusive boyfriend. If he hasn’t asked for an exclusive boyfriend girlfriend relationship with you then I would assume he is dating other people or at the least opened to making a connection at anytime with another woman (even if he says he deleted an app or that he is currently not seeing anyone else). Why? Because technically he ain’t ya boyfriend and that dynamic can change and ain’t sh*t you can say about it. So assume he (and any other men) you talk to that’s not your boyfriend is/will be dating other women and you can decide what your willing to do based on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 Thanks all, I know I need to talk to him. The prospect of doing so and how to go about it fills me dread to be honest. I can only assume that to be a bad sign as it shows my insecurity over his feelings for me. I suppose the worst that can happen is that he just says no like you say. I'll be gutted if this is the case but hey ho. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 What is his dating/relationship history like? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 Curiosroxy, do you think I should wait for him to ask then? Or does the fact that he hasn't already mean that's not what he wants. Or should I ask him first so at least I know either way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 Elaine567 I think his last long term relationship ended about a year ago and he's had a few short term things since then, similar to me. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 Elaine567 I think his last long term relationship ended about a year ago and he's had a few short term things since then, similar to me. Probably still playing the field and not really ready to date seriously. Why did his LTR end? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 Probably still playing the field and not really ready to date seriously. Why did his LTR end? I'm not sure, I haven't asked him. Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 I agree with the people who say you really should have a conversation with him about what his intentions are and if he wants to be exclusive or not. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 How exactly does it make you look insecure if you want to know if the guy you have been dating for three months is also dating other women? Call me old fashioned, but I would want to know if for no other reason than I don’t have sex with men who are also having sex with other women. I don’t think you are wrong to ask if he wants to be exclusive. And, I don’t think it makes you look insecure. It demonstrated to him that you have boundaries and you are not content to be strung along forever... and there is nothing wrong with that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 Curiosroxy, do you think I should wait for him to ask then? Or does the fact that he hasn't already mean that's not what he wants. Or should I ask him first so at least I know either way? You are asking the right questions Yes Pepsi you Let him initiate asking for exclusivity. Do not ask him to be exclusive. If he wants to be exclusive with you trust me he will ask you. That being said you put him on a timeline. If he doesn’t ask you to be exclusive in a max of three months you assume he doesn’t want to be and you ignore him cold turkey and date other men. If he asks why you are ignoring him then you simply tell him (only if he asks) “hey Joe (or whatever your guys name is) I had a great time getting to know you but I’m looking for a relationship and you haven’t asked me to be your girl but no hard feelings hun”. And you keep moving on. If he wants exclusivity then you can decide to agree to it if you even want to by then. What you don’t do is continue dating him foreeeeeeever hoping he asks and you don’t initiate asking for exclusivity and you don’t wait on a man ever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 Thanks Bailey. I suppose I mean it's a bad sign for me as I'm questioning what he will say rather than being confident that I'll get the answer I want (which coincides with my gut feeling about the possible other women). I wish I'd asked earlier before we had the glitch but it felt too soon. The fact he wants to spend a whole weekend is good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 If he doesn’t ask you to be exclusive in a max of three months you assume he doesn’t want to be and you ignore him cold turkey and date other men. We are almost at 3 months so his time is running out fast Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 Yes Pepsi you Let him initiate asking for exclusivity. Do not ask him to be exclusive. If he wants to be exclusive with you trust me he will ask you. That being said you put him on a timeline. If he doesn’t ask you to be exclusive in a max of three months you assume he doesn’t want to be and you ignore him cold turkey and date other men First things first, she says its already been three months. Also - why play these passive aggressive games? They make you look bad. Just ask him the question - what do you have to lose? Either way, you will have your answer and there will be no more waiting and wondering... three months should be enough time for him to know if he wants to date you. And if he wants to date other women too, you will know that you are not looking for the same thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 I don’t mean to be a pessimist but spending a weekend doesn’t mean much. Doesn’t he tell you that’s he’s busy on weekends too? He can easily say the same thing to someone else. Use the weekend to gain some clarity by communicating to him what’s on your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 Thanks Bailey. I suppose I mean it's a bad sign for me as I'm questioning what he will say rather than being confident that I'll get the answer I want (which coincides with my gut feeling about the possible other women). I don’t know that anyone feels confident that they will get the answer they want when asking this question - there is always some doubt. But, if he is not ready to commit to a relationship with you - wouldn’t you rather know that now than later. He should know at this stage what he wants to do, and if he doesn’t... you have your answer. He’s not the one for you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 I will definitely be asking him as it will niggle away at me afterwards again otherwise. I can see the sense behind waiting for the man to ask, but I think it depends on the person and the dynamic between you, he seems to be quite insecure in some respects. He's dropped hints and said things before that indicate that's what he wants but I also know people can say things like that in the moment without really meaning them. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 If you are being intimate with a man, you are well within your rights and responsibility to YOURSELF to have clarity about the situation. Yeah, it would be nice if he broached the subject, but if you are at a point where you're becoming anxious about it all, you can and should open a conversation. If you can be intimate, you can talk to him. You simply make a statement -- "You know, Xname, I've been enjoying the time we spend together very much and I don't want to date anyone else. How do you feel?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 If you are being intimate with a man, you are well within your rights and responsibility to YOURSELF to have clarity about the situation. Yeah, it would be nice if he broached the subject, but if you are at a point where you're becoming anxious about it all, you can and should open a conversation. If you can be intimate, you can talk to him. You simply make a statement -- "You know, Xname, I've been enjoying the time we spend together very much and I don't want to date anyone else. How do you feel?" Thanks Redhead, that's really helpful because even how to word the question is stumping me!! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 Thanks Redhead, that's really helpful because even how to word the question is stumping me!! Oh, most definitely tell him that you have decided you don’t want to see other people and then listen... to exactly what he says. Then you can ask questions if needed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 Thank you. I'll keep you posted on how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
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