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I asked if she's enjoying time with me, and she said she's distracted?


Onlytoolsandhorses

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Onlytoolsandhorses

Hi everyone,

 

I've been on 4 dates with this girl, both in our late 20s.

 

All four dates I was able to make her laugh, went multiple places. She seems she never wanted to leave early on any of them - the second place for drinks on the fourth date she booked in advance so it wasn't like it was spontaneous. First three dates ended with a kiss, on the cheek and then to lips.

 

On the way back to the bus station from our fourth date were talking about stuff and I casually bring up if she's enjoying us meeting up and seeing each other. Her response is like a nervous laugh and then says "I'm just distracted at the moment". She then tells me about her work schedule (works in NHS and she has to do training for new staff which involves longer than usual hours this coming week). She also knows my schedule is potentially packed the following week and we are both away the next two weekends out of the city so no chance to see eachother then.

 

We say goodbye with a hug, no kiss or even cheek kiss and no plans set up (which we've done end of the other dates).

 

She text me saying she got home safe, and I replied saying the same and then laughing at how I probably put my foot in it (about asking her if she's enjoyed seeing each other so far).

 

She replied saying "And no, sorry. Work was just absolutely brutal this week so I'm pretty distracted at the moment."

 

I get the sense the spark isn't as strong as it could be, yet she does also make plans for the second half of each date so she does enjoy spending time with me. I get the vibe she isn't the type to see loads of guys (as she was telling a story about where her friends were drunk and went out and pulled guys and she said that she didn't join in because she's not like that). All in all, I think she's the type to not initiate stuff, I've been the one to set up dates and times. Maybe she's nervous or inexperienced, as she seems upright at times on our dates but then slowly eases into them. I know at the end of the date I should have just kissed her instead of accepting the hug.

 

What do you think she means by saying she's distracted? Is work really stopping her from finding time to focus on me and her or is this a polite way of saying she doesn't want to continue having dates?

Edited by Onlytoolsandhorses
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Take her answer at face value: work is brutal.

 

It was a needy Q that you asked. You put her on the spot. Yes it would have been nicer if she answered you with the white lie you expected: "yes" without more. Instead she was guileless about it.

 

Stop fretting. It's unattractive. If she keeps accepting dates, you're doing fine.

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Onlytoolsandhorses
Take her answer at face value: work is brutal.

 

It was a needy Q that you asked. You put her on the spot. Yes it would have been nicer if she answered you with the white lie you expected: "yes" without more. Instead she was guileless about it.

 

Stop fretting. It's unattractive. If she keeps accepting dates, you're doing fine.

 

Ah no, do you think I've potentially ruined things by asking that question?

 

I followed up her text this morning by saying that it's fine and nothing to worry about, and for her to let me know when she's next free so we can arrange meeting up (but now feel like I shouldn't of said that as she probably want me to take lead and initiate plans).

 

Feel like I've started to dig a hole now..

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No you didn't ruin it YET. If you keep picking at this you will ruin it.

 

You got an answer. You followed up which was worse then the original Q. Now hush. Seriously do not say another word about this ever!

 

Somewhere around Wednesday send her a peppy text hoping that her brutal week is going as smoothly as possible & reminding her that it's almost Friday. Have a fun date lined up for the weekend & don't ask any more weak needy Qs.

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I get the feeling she might have interpreted your question weirdly. It sounds like you were just asking for the sake of curiosity/continuing dating, while she interpreted it as a concern that things weren't running smoothly, and she felt the need to get defensive. She probably spent half the fourth date thinking "I feel tired/distracted, I hope he doesn't notice..."

 

Stress at work is going to make people behave a bit flat on dates, no matter which way you look at it. It could erode a real connection, or it might be ok. The only thing you can do from here is continue scheduling dates and see how it all unfolds. I wouldn't dwell too much on the question, you'll know if she's enjoying herself!

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Onlytoolsandhorses
I get the feeling she might have interpreted your question weirdly. It sounds like you were just asking for the sake of curiosity/continuing dating, while she interpreted it as a concern that things weren't running smoothly, and she felt the need to get defensive. She probably spent half the fourth date thinking "I feel tired/distracted, I hope he doesn't notice..."

 

Stress at work is going to make people behave a bit flat on dates, no matter which way you look at it. It could erode a real connection, or it might be ok. The only thing you can do from here is continue scheduling dates and see how it all unfolds. I wouldn't dwell too much on the question, you'll know if she's enjoying herself!

 

Now looking back, it's definitely a question I should have asked further down the line. For someone who doesn't initiate plans, the fact she preplanned the second half of the date before we even met that evening, as well as without me knowing, means that she must be into me somewhat.

 

I'm not so much dwelling on the actual content of her answer, I'm more dwelling now on the unknown in terms of if she'll want to continue dating me. We're not big texters to each other, even though I text my mates quite a few times and she does too by the looks of her online activity and stuff, just don't want these busy few weeks to get in the way of keeping what spark there is alive.

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You do not ask EVER if someone is enjoying themselves on your dates. If she is willing to go on 4 dates with you she IS enjoying your company! That's your answer.

 

 

 

She interpreted your question 'if she was enjoying herself' as if she didn't look happy at that moment, she replied she was distracted by work.

 

 

 

One other thing, after 4 dates you don't need to set up the next date at the end of the date. We don't always know what's our free time and after 4 dates it's pretty established you enjoy each other company. Just relax, contact her mid week and invite her on a date.

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Onlytoolsandhorses
No you didn't ruin it YET. If you keep picking at this you will ruin it.

 

You got an answer. You followed up which was worse then the original Q. Now hush. Seriously do not say another word about this ever!

 

Somewhere around Wednesday send her a peppy text hoping that her brutal week is going as smoothly as possible & reminding her that it's almost Friday. Have a fun date lined up for the weekend & don't ask any more weak needy Qs.

 

Yeah I'm definitely not bringing it up again.

 

Recently I've been trying to pay attention to my subconscious when I can (as I've been burnt before by ignoring my gut feeling during dating - especially been used a few times), but now I'm not sure if my guts telling me her interest as dwindled or it's just me overthinking/thinking the worse.

 

I never overthink, especially with previous partners/daters, but this girl I seem to all of a sudden started to overthink a tad.

 

I know it's terrible to compare, but after four dates with this girl, it's going at a rate much slower than what I've been use to with previous people so I think that's what's caused me to overthink, like it's thrown me off compared to what I'm use to.

Yet again, I've not been so 'full on' with this girl compared to others, so maybe that's my subconscious trying to tell me something good or bad, who knows haha, all part of the ride of life I guess..

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Onlytoolsandhorses
You do not ask EVER if someone is enjoying themselves on your dates. If she is willing to go on 4 dates with you she IS enjoying your company! That's your answer.

 

 

 

She interpreted your question 'if she was enjoying herself' as if she didn't look happy at that moment, she replied she was distracted by work.

 

 

 

One other thing, after 4 dates you don't need to set up the next date at the end of the date. We don't always know what's our free time and after 4 dates it's pretty established you enjoy each other company. Just relax, contact her mid week and invite her on a date.

 

Ah that's so true!

 

I need to think more optimisticly with this girl rather than fear the worse, as you said, the fact she continues to find time for me despite having a very busy schedule means something.

 

I'll give her a few days space unless she replies back, then contact her about another date and see where things go from there.

 

Quick question, I've never really been a phone calling guy when it comes to early dating, normally just a texter.

 

Do you think calling her midweek and inviting her on a date then would be a nice change to the normal texting?

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Quick question, I've never really been a phone calling guy when it comes to early dating, normally just a texter.

 

Do you think calling her midweek and inviting her on a date then would be a nice change to the normal texting?

 

Do call. After a bad busy stressful week, she will enjoy hearing your voice.

 

Although it's not what you are used to, a slower pace is better. Relax.

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Do you think calling her midweek and inviting her on a date then would be a nice change to the normal texting?

I understand the younger generation prefers texting over calling BUT I think getting a phone call is 100% better than a text and it will create a sense of familiarity between you 2 much faster. The joy of hearing my bf's voice over the phone cannot compare to getting a text from him.

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Onlytoolsandhorses
I understand the younger generation prefers texting over calling BUT I think getting a phone call is 100% better than a text and it will create a sense of familiarity between you 2 much faster. The joy of hearing my bf's voice over the phone cannot compare to getting a text from him.

 

What are you thoughts about the lack of a kiss or much physical intimacy for the fourth date, especially compared to the previous three?

 

Did me asking the question maybe stop the kiss from happening?

 

Yet again, the only time she's been comfortable kissing has been away from the public so maybe she isn't a fan of PDA early on.

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What are you thoughts about the lack of a kiss or much physical intimacy for the fourth date, especially compared to the previous three?

 

Clearly you are not hearing her. She was distracted by work & not in the mood. Your Q didn't help. If you had been smoother & less self conscious you probably could have distracted her into a better more romantic mood but you made things awkward.

 

From the 1st 3 dates you have correctly surmised that she is not a fan of public PDA. That knowledge has to factor into your strategy when seeking a kiss. Orchestrate more discrete locations.

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What are you thoughts about the lack of a kiss or much physical intimacy for the fourth date, especially compared to the previous three?

 

Did me asking the question maybe stop the kiss from happening?

 

Yet again, the only time she's been comfortable kissing has been away from the public so maybe she isn't a fan of PDA early on.

 

 

I vote she was not into public kissing a man she is not officially dating. I don't think she interpreted your question as a need for reassurance, and you're lucky she didn't.

 

 

 

You need to understand this is a phase where you get a feel of each other. Women can have a great date then on second date they feel differently, then on 3rd date the feeling comes back, etc. As long as she says yes to seeing you don't analyze it, just keep going forward.

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Onlytoolsandhorses
I vote she was not into public kissing a man she is not officially dating. I don't think she interpreted your question as a need for reassurance, and you're lucky she didn't.

 

 

 

You need to understand this is a phase where you get a feel of each other. Women can have a great date then on second date they feel differently, then on 3rd date the feeling comes back, etc. As long as she says yes to seeing you don't analyze it, just keep going forward.

 

It's weird. I feel bad for not once wishing her good luck (as she's now 12 hours into her shift of being on call at hospital - not finishing until Monday evening), and instead I just messaged saying message me when you know you're free. Must of sounded like I didn't care, especially when she mentioned several times about not looking forward to her week of work and long hours.

 

I want to wish her good luck and motivate her to keep going, but I understand the unwritten rule about double texting as that's seen as 'needy'.

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It's not work, she has a low interest. Im sorry to be brutally honest.

 

However, this happens to all of us. You can generate interest by simply disappearing and not contacting her. You'll hear from her soon enough. However, it usually gets back to that point sooner or later, and then you have to pull away again. No fun.

 

I'd get distracted by a woman who's really into you. In the meantime, better to be single than have to deal with Miss hot/cold.

 

Some here are suggesting to contact her, ask how her week is and that this would be nice for her.

Nice. Very nice guy.

 

Don't be a nice guy.

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The Outlaw

Most likely, the question caught her off guard, hence her reaction. If she seems uptight but eases into the dates as they progress, you're doing fine. No need to worry, but don't bring that up again.

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Onlytoolsandhorses
It's not work, she has a low interest. Im sorry to be brutally honest.

 

However, this happens to all of us. You can generate interest by simply disappearing and not contacting her. You'll hear from her soon enough. However, it usually gets back to that point sooner or later, and then you have to pull away again. No fun.

 

I'd get distracted by a woman who's really into you. In the meantime, better to be single than have to deal with Miss hot/cold.

 

Some here are suggesting to contact her, ask how her week is and that this would be nice for her.

Nice. Very nice guy.

 

Don't be a nice guy.

 

So why is it that the 'nice guys' I know are dating and in relationships, while the ones that have a mentality of 'dont be a nice guy' are the ones who are still single?

 

I understand the whole being unavailable and mysterious is attractive in a sense, but some people don't have enough time in the day to play chase and be chased by acting aloof. If you've been with someone for ages and then it ended then I understand how suddenly disappearing might work. But when you've only been on four dates, does being absent from someone's life have the same affect and pull on the heartstrings?

 

I've lived with and know female friends who have stopped being into a guy they were dating because the guy has gone non-contact, they've seen it as a sign of disinterest. Heck, work has distracted me from seeing someone I liked, and then distance kicked in and I lost interest because of space that grew between us.

 

Yes, at times distance can make the heart grow fonder, but sometimes absence makes the heart go yonder.

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Definitely give a woman your time and emotion if she's into you.

 

But if she's not giving an indication that she would be receptive to you, only a needy, desperate guy would be 'nice,' to her after she's pretty much gone cold.

 

Pulling back in the correct way does create interest. If you can be bothered to create interest in someone with a low interest that is.

 

But if you feel that sending her a pleasent mid week text message will generate interest after she's pulled away, by all means do.

 

You've got to find out what works and what doesn't.

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You do not ask EVER if someone is enjoying themselves on your dates. If she is willing to go on 4 dates with you she IS enjoying your company! That's your answer.

 

 

 

She interpreted your question 'if she was enjoying herself' as if she didn't look happy at that moment, she replied she was distracted by work.

 

 

 

One other thing, after 4 dates you don't need to set up the next date at the end of the date. We don't always know what's our free time and after 4 dates it's pretty established you enjoy each other company. Just relax, contact her mid week and invite her on a date.

 

^^^this 100%^^^

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What do you think she means by saying she's distracted? Is work really stopping her from finding time to focus on me and her or is this a polite way of saying she doesn't want to continue having dates?

 

She's distracted by work. If you don't believe her- you think she's lying or playing you- don't date her.

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One thing that's very unattractive from you is that you read into every little things and analyse them and worry if you've ruined it..this is very "beta" (sorry for using the word, but its just easy to describe things).

"I wished her good luck. oh that sounds weird now" "I only texted. I should have called" "The kiss was only on cheeks, not lips" "we only hugged,no kiss" "she initiated the second half date".. OMG, second half? You really have an eye for DETAILS .. I guarantee she didn't even notice any of these.

 

It is very unattractive because it will make you appear unassertive, unmasculine, low confidence, super-sensitive and eventually, clingy/needy.

 

Stop analyzing, just act. At the early stage you as a man should just initiate. As long as she responses positively, keep doing it. It shows her you know what you want, you aren't afraid to get what you want, and you are the man.

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One thing that's very unattractive from you is that you read into every little things and analyse them and worry if you've ruined it..this is very "beta" (sorry for using the word, but its just easy to describe things).

"I wished her good luck. oh that sounds weird now" "I only texted. I should have called" "The kiss was only on cheeks, not lips" "we only hugged,no kiss" "she initiated the second half date".. OMG, second half? You really have an eye for DETAILS .. I guarantee she didn't even notice any of these.

 

It is very unattractive because it will make you appear unassertive, unmasculine, low confidence, super-sensitive and eventually, clingy/needy.

 

Stop analyzing, just act. At the early stage you as a man should just initiate. As long as she responses positively, keep doing it. It shows her you know what you want, you aren't afraid to get what you want, and you are the man.

 

totally agree h0000

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