asking a woman out, they turn you down and say "some other time"

[rightondude]

A common theme I've seen on here is that if you ask a woman out, and she states she's busy but would love to "some other time" that the onus is now on her to provide when that other time is.

 

Otherwise, you should give up and move on.

 

Is everyone in agreement on this?

 

At the same time, I have heard from women that they don't EVER ask men out because 1) that's not their "role" or 2) they are 100% more terrified of rejection than a man would ever be (I would be fine with a woman asking me out and I know there is no hard and fast rule that applies to every person, I am just re-stating what I have heard previously).

 

Now I also know that if a woman is actually interested in a man, she will typically make that known. BUT, at the same time, some women want a man to be the pursuer in all cases.

 

Too bad there's not some hard and fast rules set in stone. Would make it a whole lot easier. But then probably a whole lot less fun. Actually that's a horrible idea; we're not robots here. Yet.

 

I think I will make it my personal rule to ask out twice, just to try and cover both scenarios. If after twice you get nothing, it's reasonably safe to move on forever.

 

thoughts?

Edited May 6, 2019 by rightondude

[preraph]

Well, my first thought is that when asking out and being asked out for the first time by someone, both parties basically usually lose their composure and get flustered unless they're some really cool customer. So mistakes are made on both ends frequently, causing confusion.

 

Ideally, if the woman is busy and says another time, she would also offer up something more specific like, "Maybe next weekend. Call me!" But again, she may be flustered and caught offguard. Lots of people are awkward socially. At this point if she flubbed that and left it confusing, she should be texting something to him or,when she sees him, smiling and talking to encourage him. If not, well, I say it about guys and I'll say it about women: If she can't do that, maybe she's got some work to do before she's ready to date.

 

But I think the man has no good choice if she turns him down and gives him a "maybe some other time" and she doesn't text him or isn't friendly and smiling when she sees him, but to just assume it's a "no." I mean, why get shot down twice. If she's that much of a shrinking violet, dating her would be torture anyway.

[d0nnivain]

Most of the time "some other time" is an empty phrase not a real opener to selecting a different time / place. If the person was really interested they would give a more concrete response.

 

You can try offering one alternative, "OK how about next Wednesday?" but you are likely going to get a similarly vague brush off.

 

The words are designed to convey that the other person doesn't want to directly reject you & thereby hurt you but isn't particularly interested in getting together.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I think I will make it my personal rule to ask out twice, just to try and cover both scenarios. If after twice you get nothing, it's reasonably safe to move on forever.

 

thoughts?

 

I think this is a good rule. As a woman, I would provide an alternative if I was interested but the date just didn't work, but as we read recently in MO's thread, that is not always said so it's good for a man to ask a second time.

 

I remember in college a boy asked me out on a date and I couldn't go and I probably said something like "some other time" (I did like him), and was really disappointed when he never asked me out again!

Edited May 6, 2019 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[JuneL]

I would also interpret it as low or no interest. But sometimes contexts matter too. If the guy was asking in last minute for a late night date, then it might be the response from a girl with some potential interest but who was a little offended.

[rightondude]

In my specific situation (this time around) a woman I had lunch with and who I've been texting/talking to a good bit agreed to go out at night with me. We hadn't set a date. I threw a night out there. She was saying she was having a hectic week with her kids (sports and such) and asked for another time. I said "let me know when it settles down!" .. she said "I definitely will!"

 

... and we haven't texted or talked since then (last week).

[mark clemson]

I said "let me know when it settles down!" .. she said "I definitely will!" ... and we haven't texted or talked since then (last week).

 

 

Sad reality is you can't put too much stock in statements like that. Too many variables: she might have just been trying to be pleasant but not meant it; she might have meant it but other things came up (busy at work or another potential date, etc), or she simply forgot, or she's back-burnering you, etc. Some people have a bright sunny personality that has a side effect of being unintentionally misleading in some situations.

 

Am wondering - how about phrasing your date requests like:

You: Would you like to have coffee sometime?

Her: Sure.

You: Ok, when would be good?

 

Or similar. Think this might get around the scheduling issue some of the time.

 

I'm no dating expert. Does this approach not work for some reason I'm not aware of?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

My rule when dating: the person has to give a specific time/place for the date, otherwise not interested and no excuses. If a guy tells me Friday 3pm at x place, I know the date is on. Any other half attempt was all BS.

[rightondude]

two totally different mindsets above, one male one female. FWIW I try to shoot for the latter, give a specific day and then one or two completely different options.

 

I have found when I say "when would be good?" I get "I'll check!" ... I try to propose something I am pretty sure she (or anyone) would like on a specific night. Works most of the time. In this case I gave a specific, got a "I'm busy but..." and then nothing back.

[TheFinalWord]

I would look at it as a soft rejection. Personally, if the person did not offer some alternative dates/times they are available, I would assume low interest. Even saying something like, "this week is crazy, but hit me up next week and we'll find a time" at least shows there is interest and not a blow off.

[snowcones]

Otherwise, you should give up and move on.

 

Is everyone in agreement on this?

 

 

Heck no. I really have no time for men who scare easily.

 

Maybe some other time means exactly that if I say it. If I say No and nothing else, he probably shouldn't ask again. That said, I'm not so oblivious to watch a guy keep asking and asking and never nailing something down. I do expect him to ask though.

Edited May 7, 2019 by snowcones

[TheFinalWord]

If I say No and nothing else, he probably shouldn't ask again.

 

You sound like the the rare woman that will directly tell a guy "no." Most women do not do that. So you have to decode what they mean, combined with personal experience. If a woman said no, there is no way I would try again. I don't think that's scaring easily. I think that is respecting someone's boundaries. I might tell her to contact me if she changes her mind, but otherwise, I would respect her "no" and move onto the other thousands of women out there.

 

Every girl that has given a vague response, has never agreed later if I tried again. Every girl that has given a general time frame to work with, has resulted in a date.

Edited May 7, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[snowcones]

You sound like the the rare woman that will directly tell a guy "no." Most women do not do that. So you have to decode what they mean, combined with personal experience.

 

Every girl that has given a vague response, has never agreed later if I tried again. Every girl that has given a general time frame to work with, has resulted in a date.

 

 

I tend to give general time frames. I'll tell you what I'm doing/busy/tied up with if I like you.

[TheFinalWord]

I tend to give general time frames. I'll tell you what I'm doing/busy/tied up with if I like you.

 

I would definitely try again if you gave a general time frame. I don't normally ask what they are doing, because we don't know each other enough for me to ask about a woman's business.

 

I did that today actually. A girl I am casually dating said about a month ago she would be available mid-May (she's long-distance and works about 70 hours a week). We don't really talk in-between and haven't talked in like a month. I texted her to ask her availability in the next couple weeks. Normally, I would not contact someone that said they are busy, don't communicate between dates, and don't give any general time frame. But her giving me some general time frame indicated some interest and I believe is an invitation to contact her when the time frame she is available gets closer.

Edited May 7, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[snowcones]

I would definitely try that if you gave a general time frame. I don't normally ask what they are doing, because we don't know each other enough for me to ask about a woman's business.

 

I did that today actually. A girl I am casually dating said about a month ago she would be available mid-May (she's long-distance and works about 70 hours a week). We don't really talk in-between and haven't talked in like a month. I texted her to ask her availability in the next couple weeks. Normally, I would not contact someone that said they are busy, don't communicate between dates, and don't give any general time frame. But her giving me some general time frame indicated some interest and I believe is an invitation to contact her when the time frame she is available gets closer.

 

 

Exactly.

 

 

 

10 Characters

[frus69]

If I'm interested in a guy but genuinely busy, I will definitely let the guy know. And I will make the offer to reschedule.

If I just say "Im busy", then Im not interested.

If I say "Im busy. maybe next time?" or "rain check", but don't counter offer, it's because I'm semi interested. I dont mind hanging with you, but you arent my first priority.

 

Having said that, not every woman is like me. Maybe some women do think men should chase, at the initial stage. So if a woman turns you down without rescheduling,I suggest you:

A. Try one more time if you really dig her;

B. text her " let me know when you want to hang out"

[smackie9]

This is what I always tell people who ask this same question.....if you get anything but a YES, it's a no. 99.9% of women don't like confrontation and will try to butter over the rejection with "maybe later, or let me check my schedule, or I have exams may after, or I've been so busy at work not sure if I will have time, or try me next week, or let me think about it, or maybe, etc".

[rightondude]

I reached out again (just a "hey what's up, how you been?") but didn't get anything back. Think this ship has sailed. Which sucks, she was probably the hottest woman I've ever talked to. Oh well, on to the next adventure!

[Marc878]

Hey you tried. Didn't pester her to death so now you know.

 

No harm no foul

[alphamale]

I agree with your OP rightondude

[alphamale]

This is what I always tell people who ask this same question.....if you get anything but a YES, it's a no. 99.9% of women don't like confrontation and will try to butter over the rejection with "maybe later, or let me check my schedule, or I have exams may after, or I've been so busy at work not sure if I will have time, or try me next week, or let me think about it, or maybe, etc".

 

the above is pretty much spot on

[rightondude]

the above is pretty much spot on

 

yeah I know, was just hoping it was true this time. We've both got kids and that does keep you busy. I just don't think she was into me after our lunch date. I did NOT have my A game that day. Dammit. Oh well.

[Gretchen12]

Ok so it turns out this woman was not interested. But I gotta say also she has no dating experience. Maybe she has been too busy with her kids. Women get asked out a lot, so most adult women know how to reject. She quickly learns not to give hope to men she doesn't want to date at all. That's because if she leaves it open, the "problem" is not solved and many women know by experience that things can get drastically worse later on. Especially women that you call "hot", they become really smooth at rejecting firmly but gracefully or else they can't survive, because a lot of advances come from men they still have to work with or run into.

[alphamale]

yeah I know, was just hoping it was true this time. We've both got kids and that does keep you busy. I just don't think she was into me after our lunch date. I did NOT have my A game that day. Dammit. Oh well.

 

you win some and you lose some rightondude

[Highndry]

I have actually never been rejected when asking a woman out, but if I asked a woman out and she told me she was busy and didn't offer an alternative, I'd never ask again.