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Should I have sex with him?


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I matched with a guy from tinder a few weeks ago. Conversation went well and he asked me out fairly quickly. However I was busy so had to reschedule to a week later. He waited pretty patiently and would always text me to make small talks. Then we finally met, and we both enjoyed each other, and set up another date this weekend.

 

We didnt have sex, didnt kiss either. Just hugged hello and goodbye. But I feel he wants some physical contact? Also he has sent a few playful messages that kind of hint towards sex. Im not sure if this indicates that he wants something casual only?

 

Also regarding this upcoming date on the weekend, I feel I will need to make a decision whether to invite him to my place afterwards, and whether to have sex. I'd probably want sex but I dont want some ONS or hook ups and never to hear from him again, so I guess Im wondering how to proceed here?

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Trust yourself. If you want to have sex with him (and he wants the same), then have sex with him. Likewise if you don't want to have sex with him, then don't.

 

As to never hearing from him again, that can happen to people who wait interminably. Just as it can happen to those, who don't wait at all.

 

Absent being able to read his mind, you can't know what he will do. While even he may not know what he will do until and unless he haves sex with you.

 

Plus, after having sex with him you might not want to do more with him.

 

That said I've readily had sex with women minutes through hours after meeting them, and on first through third dates as well. Some I let go for a variety of reasons, while others I started ongoing relationships with them.

 

While I even married one woman, who I had sex with within a few hours of meeting her, while my now wife, we did it on our third date.

 

Funnily enough with my wife, who I have happily been with for almost 23 years (our 20th wedding anniversary is within a week). I had no intention of having sex with her for more than a few weeks at the most, and she wasn't wanting more either. Yet we've happily been together for decades now.

 

At the end of the day, the best way to proceed is to be yourself. If he likes you for being, yourself and you like him, you may do more than a one-night-stand.

 

The thing is though if that is all he is after, and he doesn't stick around. He isn't the right person for you, so you are better for him not hanging around further.

 

Anyway whatever happens or doesn't, I hope you have fun.

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On the one hand you're asking if you should have sex with him because you're not sure what he wants, and on the other hand you feel that you need to make a decision about whether or not to invite him over and have sex with him.

 

 

Do what's good for you and whatever happens happens.

 

 

 

When I'm looking for a long term relationship, I prefer to wait a few dates and get to know the person. It usually happens around the third date, but it's not set in stone. Depending on the situation, sex can sometimes cloud one's judgment and we become attached to the pleasure that's associated with physically being with that person, not to his / her personality.

 

 

I don't want my testosterone to have the last say, I want my brain and feelings to make the decision first to continue to date that person or not.

Edited by Logo
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todreaminblue

if you really dont want to have the possibility of a one nighter dont have sex with him get to know him so you can trust he will respect you and your body.....if you put yourself out there sexually early...and you dont want wham bam thankyou maam..... you will be and are a heartache waiting to happen....

 

 

that he has turned the text message sexual in nature....very early on ....doesnt bode well .....get to know the guy for a while first and then make knowledge based choices that are right for you..not just right for him..if he isnt willing to wait for you to feel secure and trusting.......he isnt worth you wasting your time on........deb..

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Ask him what he's looking for. Or drop a comment about ONS being good or bad and see how he reacts. Maybe ask a few light questions about his dating history and see how guarded he is. You should get a feel for his intentions sooner or later

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elaine567

So from a first date of social hugs and not even a kiss, you want to arrange a second date at your place to have sex... yet you do not want to be seen as a n easy lay...

Why the rush?

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Have the conversation with him - surely he has hinted at his intentions, whether he is interested in finding a long term relationship or not? Tell him what you want and listen to what he says...

 

If you don’t want a hookup, don’t have sex with him on the second date.

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So from a first date of social hugs and not even a kiss, you want to arrange a second date at your place to have sex... yet you do not want to be seen as a n easy lay...

Why the rush?

 

Im not arranging my second date at my place to have sex.. but when he drops me off after the date I will make a decision whether i say " do you want to come up for a drink". I have a feeling if I invite him up he will make a move.

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Ask him what he's looking for. Or drop a comment about ONS being good or bad and see how he reacts. Maybe ask a few light questions about his dating history and see how guarded he is. You should get a feel for his intentions sooner or later

 

Have the conversation with him - surely he has hinted at his intentions, whether he is interested in finding a long term relationship or not? Tell him what you want and listen to what he says...

 

If you don’t want a hookup, don’t have sex with him on the second date.

I did ask him and his answer is to find someone. And he previously dated some girls from tinder briefly but didn't work out. He didn't reveal much details. Is that guarded? I don't know. He also commented he's not the type of guy who swipes right on the " slutty" ones on tinder.

 

They were his words. But I leant not to fully trust words

Edited by frus69
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stillafool
I don't know. He also commented he's not the type of guy who swipes right on the " slutty" ones on tinder.

 

 

If he said the above don't invite him to your place or he may confuse you with one of the "slutty" ones.

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Although his words sounded like hes not after NAS, the way he looked at me and his tone were quite seductive and that made me feel he wants sex. So that's why I'm confused at what he wants lol

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Well hopefully he wants sex, if he didn't I would be wondering what was wrong with him.

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stillafool
Although his words sounded like hes not after NAS, the way he looked at me and his tone were quite seductive and that made me feel he wants sex. So that's why I'm confused at what he wants lol

 

It's best not to think about what they want just keep your mind on what you want and if they match it. Have sex if you want it, if you don't then don't hav it.

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Redhead14

Have sex if you want it. Don't do it because he wants it. Frankly, I wouldn't invite a stranger to my home after only one or two dates anyway. That's matter of safety.

 

 

But if you do have sex, you should assume it will be a one-night stand unless he shows you otherwise by maintaining contact. You need to put on your "big girl pants -- tough skin -- to deal with that possibility and not go off on him and blame him for something you had control over. It would be on you too.

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Have sex if you want it. Don't do it because he wants it. Frankly, I wouldn't invite a stranger to my home after only one or two dates anyway. That's matter of safety.

 

 

But if you do have sex, you should assume it will be a one-night stand unless he shows you otherwise by maintaining contact. You need to put on your "big girl pants -- tough skin -- to deal with that possibility and not go off on him and blame him for something you had control over. It would be on you too.

hear! hear!

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Flame Aura

If you want to give it up that easy then don't be upset if he drops you. Someone worth it will be happy to get to know you first and be patient.

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Michelle ma Belle
Although his words sounded like hes not after NAS, the way he looked at me and his tone were quite seductive and that made me feel he wants sex. So that's why I'm confused at what he wants lol

 

First - Tinder is known to be primarily a hook-up site. Let's just be clear about that. That's not to say you can't find something deeper or fall in love but it is what it is and most people who are on there know it too.

 

Second - Although I'm one who is all about brutally open and honest conversations right from the start, many men will tell women what they want to hear if it will get them laid faster.

 

If he's leading with a very strong sexual undertone right out of the gate then be prepared. You already know what you're getting yourself into so conduct yourself accordingly.

 

If you want to have sex for the sake of having sex, go for it.

 

Inviting him up to your place on the second date while you're still trying to figure out if he's in it for just sex or not, isn't the smartest thing to do. Just my two cents.

 

You want to know if he's in it for more than just a lay? Wait it out a bit longer. I mean, what's the rush?

 

Actions always speak louder than words. That goes for you as well.

 

Good luck.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Although his words sounded like hes not after NAS, the way he looked at me and his tone were quite seductive and that made me feel he wants sex. So that's why I'm confused at what he wants lol

 

 

What do YOU want? Why be so concerned about what HE wants?

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If I were in your shoes....if a guy was hinting/pining for sex after the first date, I would assume he's just looking for a hook up, because that is where his general interest lays in these messages. You could wait till 5 or dates even 10 dates....he already has his intentions planned.....doesn't matter how long you wait.

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If I were in your shoes....if a guy was hinting/pining for sex after the first date, I would assume he's just looking for a hook up, because that is where his general interest lays in these messages. You could wait till 5 or dates even 10 dates....he already has his intentions planned.....doesn't matter how long you wait.

 

what guy would wait that long?!how does he know hes being used?!

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Redhead14
what guy would wait that long?!how does he know hes being used?!

 

 

I hope you don't mean what I think you mean . . .

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You've only met once. And nothing at all happened. So I think this date should be not assuming he only wants to hook up. And this should be the date you talk about things and kiss at the end of it. Not all guys are ready to jump right in and he didn't make a move yet, so....he needs to make a physical move. You can put him at ease over dinner by touching his arm briefly while chatting.

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alphamale
Also regarding this upcoming date on the weekend, I feel I will need to make a decision whether to invite him to my place afterwards, and whether to have sex. I'd probably want sex but I dont want some ONS or hook ups and never to hear from him again, so I guess Im wondering how to proceed here?

 

you are planning on sharing your body with him on the 2nd date but you don't want a ONS or hook up? you're setting yourself up for a bad outcome.

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salparadise
I'd probably want sex but I dont want some ONS or hook ups and never to hear from him again, so I guess Im wondering how to proceed here?

 

 

Sex on the second date (or third, fourth, or fifth) is not going to determine the outcome. If he wants a relationship he will continue. If he only wants sex he may be willing to go out several times until sex happens and then disappear. Or he may stay around awhile for more sex and still disappear.

 

These outcomes exist independently of each other, and independently what he states his intentions are –– he's not going to tell you if he intends to hit and quit.

 

When guys date women (esp. on tinder) you should assume a primary motivation is sex. Secondarily, they may be open to a relationship if they are smitten, if the sex is amazing, or if the stars align. However, they do not think, "I want a relationship and I don't care about sex."

 

You seem to be thinking... "I'd be open to sex, but only if it leads to a relationship. If he hits and quits I'll feel foolish." If that's the case, you should hold out however long you need so as not to feel like a loser if he disappears. Of course you have to balance that strategy with how long he will wait.

 

In other words, there are no guarantees and no easy answers. You're better off just being a good judge of his inclinations (is he a relationship guy) separately from any strategy that involves the timing of sex to secure a relationship.

 

I think you should be looking at it from the other direction... when do YOU want sex, and are YOU interested in a relationships with him. Still, you can't always get what you want... so be less invested in outcomes and do what feels congruent such that you have no regrets.

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