CloudedVision Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) I am a 45 year old man who has been dating a 37yr old woman for about a year. With the exception of a few arguments, we get along fine. She is smart and ambitious and my friends like her. However, I am trying to understand a few things about her personality and texting habits. She sends long texts instead about important topics. She's even 'argued' with me on text. Sending in all CAPS and exclamation points. I told her many times that I prefer real conversations. Sometimes I think we text more than talk in a day. Also, she sends a picture of herself almost every day asking me to send one back. Sometimes, I do but I don't get why she needs that. Many of her texts are just emojis, the hearts, eyes, drinks, eggplant etc. and some are sexual in nature. Things that she is wants to do to me when we are together and asking me to do to her. She sends me links about 'adult' events in our town and sexual quizzes and sexual exploration (orgies, threesomes). At first this was ok and I was excited, but I feel like now it's kinda too much and somewhat immature. Once she sent me a link for a trip to Europe and told me that she'll give me the best sex of my life if I took her. We are very sexually active, so I am not sure what that meant. I have a childhood friend who I confide in and he thought it was cool at first too, but now he says these things are disturbing and maybe she needs 'help'. How do I approach this? What do I tell her? I like her and would like to continue seeing her, but this part of her personality is becoming a turn off. Edited May 2, 2019 by CloudedVision Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 She sends me links about 'adult' events in our town and sexual quizzes and sexual exploration (orgies, threesomes). At first this was ok and I was excited, but I feel like now it's kinda too much and somewhat immature. I think I would explain to her that some of these sexual acts just aren't your thing and you are not into them. All in all, she does sound a bit immature (for 37) with the emoji(s) and all. What does an eggplant signify?? Is she requesting you cook baked aubergine?? Once she sent me a link for a trip to Europe and told me that she'll give me the best sex of my life if I took her. What are you a "human wallet"?? If she wants to do this Europe trip, split the costs 50/50. She can put her tickets on her credit card and you put your tickets on your credit card. I find this a bit upsetting that she is expecting you to pay for an expensive trip and she will reward you with sex. Sex isn't supposed to be a reward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) something does sound off--like she hasn't emotionally graduated from junior high school. Does she have some kind of trauma that caused her to stop emotionally developing or something? this part of her personality is becoming a turn off. How turned off by her behavior are you? Enough to stop seeing her? Once she sent me a link for a trip to Europe and told me that she'll give me the best sex of my life if I took her. So is she saying she's not really arsing herself right now because you're not her ATM? Sounds like she uses sex as a weapon to get her way... Edited May 2, 2019 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
onceupona Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) I am a 45 year old man who has been dating a 37yr old woman for about a year. With the exception of a few arguments, we get along fine. She is smart and ambitious and my friends like her. However, I am trying to understand a few things about her personality and texting habits. <SNIP> That sounds extremely unusual if I am honest. I am a 29 year old male, and I would genuinely hate if a woman always talked that way. Few years ago that is how women would talk and I would not mind it, but as I got older, I find it extremely childish. Unusual that she is acting this way and speaking this way, given her age.. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I don't truly understand the full problem, she wants to have sex with you and she desires you and since she uses texts to help herself show you that desire she is somehow off and needs help ? If by chance you only had sex twice a year would that be a problem ? because honestly I would love to have sex as much as you do... I don't even come close I get it that maybe it isn't your thing and maybe she is going to a place that maybe isn't your thing but what that makes you is incompatible rather than "she needs help" I think you should sit her down and talk to her, but if you ask her to change who she is she won't be happy... Compromise is the only solution, from you both but if you can't then cut her loose and let her find someone who doesn't think she has problems for wanting and expressing sexual desire for her man. Good Luck BTW, I'm past my mid 50's and I sext too.. and use the eggplant emoji when needed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 What does an eggplant signify?? Is she requesting you cook baked aubergine?? Since there is no penis emoji, the eggplant is what is used instead to represent it. So it signifies sex, erections, etc. What are you a "human wallet"?? If .... Agree with HL. HOPE and suspect she was kidding. If she's completely serious then this is a red flag IMO. If sex is transactional to her, then what happens when she's gotten everything she wants from you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CloudedVision Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 I think I would explain to her that some of these sexual acts just aren't your thing and you are not into them. All in all, she does sound a bit immature (for 37) with the emoji(s) and all. What does an eggplant signify?? Is she requesting you cook baked aubergine?? We've talked about sexual exploration, but I never agreed to anything but she ran with the idea and started sending me all the links and pictures. The eggplant symbolizes penis. I had to ask her. Thought everyone knew that, because I don't use emojis. What are you a "human wallet"?? If she wants to do this Europe trip, split the costs 50/50. She can put her tickets on her credit card and you put your tickets on your credit card. I find this a bit upsetting that she is expecting you to pay for an expensive trip and she will reward you with sex. Sex isn't supposed to be a reward. I agree and I don't understand why she would use it as a reward because we have an active sex life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CloudedVision Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 something does sound off--like she hasn't emotionally graduated from junior high school. Does she have some kind of trauma that caused her to stop emotionally developing or something? How turned off by her behavior are you? Enough to stop seeing her? So is she saying she's not really arsing herself right now because you're not her ATM? Sounds like she uses sex as a weapon to get her way... I dont know if she experienced trauma, she never told me about it, if so. Sometimes the excessive texting does make me rethink my relationship with her. Because I dont want to have a constant texting relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I agree and I don't understand why she would use it as a reward because we have an active sex life. Really.. I doubt she was serious... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CloudedVision Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 Since there is no penis emoji, the eggplant is what is used instead to represent it. So it signifies sex, erections, etc. Agree with HL. HOPE and suspect she was kidding. If she's completely serious then this is a red flag IMO. If sex is transactional to her, then what happens when she's gotten everything she wants from you? She might be serious, because it's not the first time she said something like that. Once she said if you buy me 'X', I'll do 'X' to you when we get home. Like I said it was exciting at first, but it's starting to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Since there is no penis emoji, the eggplant is what is used instead to represent it. So it signifies sex, erections, etc. Well, you learn something new everyday... My "ancient" phone doesn't receive emoji(s), if someone sends me an emoji it just looks like an ASCII character. Boy am I dumb, if my girlfriend e-mailed me an emoji of an eggplant. I'd be making grilled aubergine for lunch (on the George Foreman grill), thinking that was a lunch request. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 So I had to learn the hard way that I am not much of a texter and I also had to learn the hard way that you have to tell people you meet very early on that you are not really a big texter. The texter-people will either respect you and not text you as much or they will get mad, make a stink, or disappear. I've had more of folks getting mad than I'd like to admit. It's just part of the growing pains you have to go through in this new era. Unfortunately though, once you've started to text a lot with someone, you've already set a precedent and they won't stop now. There is no way you can get them to stop or even slow down. They can't understand it. I think most of your problems would solved if she just didn't text so much, but now since you've engaged with her, you won't be able to get her to stop. You can try not responding but she's just going to have a fit because of that precedent you've already set. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CloudedVision Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 That sounds extremely unusual if I am honest. I am a 29 year old male, and I would genuinely hate if a woman always talked that way. Few years ago that is how women would talk and I would not mind it, but as I got older, I find it extremely childish. Unusual that she is acting this way and speaking this way, given her age.. I agree. What I am realizing is that she was this way from the time we met, but I guess I thought it was just a thing since we met a bar and it was a hookup at first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CloudedVision Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) I think you should sit her down and talk to her, but if you ask her to change who she is she won't be happy... Compromise is the only solution, from you both but if you can't then cut her loose and let her find someone who doesn't think she has problems for wanting and expressing sexual desire for her man. We've had conversations before about the constant long texts but I guess it hasn't helped. So I guess no compromise on her part. It's not about expressing desires for me, I'd rather her call me or tell me in person. I've engaged in sexting with her but it's the frequency that alarms me at times. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 As far as the texting... I did date one woman (in my past) that was a big texter, I am NOT!! I would tell her I can't text as fast as her, as I had a phone with no keyboard and you had to tap the number key 3X to get the right letter. My solution was to send her an e-mail back, acknowledging her text and answering the question posed in the text. As a general rule, I respond to all communications within a 24 hour period, so since I e-mailed her back that evening when I got home, I felt I had responded appropriately and timely. She had e-mail on her phone, so she was able to read my e-mail responses on her phone. So that would be my solution to the texting problem, email her back within 24 hours, she'll get the hint. If that isn't good enough, tell her to call you in the evening after work and you guys can discuss plans/activities. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I suspect you reply to her texts and that keeps it going. You didn't say how you respond to her sexting. Normally if you stay silent or change the topic, the other person understands their message not well received. If you text back anything like "oh I can't wait", or as mild as a happy face, that encourages the behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CloudedVision Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 I suspect you reply to her texts and that keeps it going. You didn't say how you respond to her sexting. Normally if you stay silent or change the topic, the other person understands their message not well received. If you text back anything like "oh I can't wait", or as mild as a happy face, that encourages the behavior. I used to respond before, now I just say things like OK and I don't use emojis. The other day she asked me (on text) 'What gives?' when I responded OK. We talked about it and I told her that sometimes it's too much that I think we are more than just sex, she agreed but it hasnt stopped her. It's like 90% of her texts to me are either emojis or sex related. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Ok, really weird of her to not modify behavior after negative feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Well, you learn something new everyday... My "ancient" phone doesn't receive emoji(s), if someone sends me an emoji it just looks like an ASCII character. Boy am I dumb, if my girlfriend e-mailed me an emoji of an eggplant. I'd be making grilled aubergine for lunch (on the George Foreman grill), thinking that was a lunch request. :lmao::lmao: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Well, you learn something new everyday... My "ancient" phone doesn't receive emoji(s), if someone sends me an emoji it just looks like an ASCII character. Boy am I dumb, if my girlfriend e-mailed me an emoji of an eggplant. I'd be making grilled aubergine for lunch (on the George Foreman grill), thinking that was a lunch request. Lord knows how many opportunities you have missed...lol 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Considering that she keeps bringing up twosomes and three ways, there's not much reason to think her suggesting a transaction to getting a ticket to Europe is not serious, and I agree that that is the most worrisome part of the story. It's pretty stripper/sex worker-ish. You might run a background check on her. You don't want someone who talks like that around your kids if you have kids. Not sure I would automatically assume she's a one-man woman. Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 The texting style is actually par for the course. It makes my teeth itch how women who really should know better communicate like they are in their early 20's and don't get me started on snapchat filters! Honestly OP, this woman's rather brazen attempts to get you to pay for a holiday make me think you should throw her back in the sea but I would caution against thinking the next 30 something will have more maturity about her. Social media apps and camera phones have had a huge impact on women under 40, they all think and date they are still in high school and it's embarrassing. I've found that where I used to prize looks above all else a small social media footprint and a more sophisticated and mature outlook is becoming very attractive yet so hard to find unless you date the 40+ crowd, so you may want to bear this in mind... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 . It's like 90% of her texts to me are either emojis or sex related. There's such a thing as a preferred communication style. Possibly this is hers. Since she seems to like sex a lot, in part in her mind she may be keeping you warmed up with the stream of flirty texts. Most men don't really need this level of attention to feel sexual, but I believe some women may. She might be serious, because it's not the first time she said something like that. Once she said if you buy me 'X', I'll do 'X' to you when we get home. Like I said it was exciting at first, but it's starting to change. Hmm. Definitely keep an eye on this, esp. if/as you start planning for a real future together. Think you need to start exploring how she views sex (be indirect). Possibly it's that she has strong feelings for you and likes sex, so as she'll be doing the sex anyway she might as well get something out of it. Not really anything too wrong with that IMO. But if she really views it as transactional then once you're together etc and she's "gotten what she wants" the flow may stop. If you are expecting a lot from her and this happens it might become a problem. It's hard to say - I'm speculating as I've never been with a person like this. I'd say continue the relationship, but keep the above in the back of your mind if/as it starts to get more serious. The fact that you're posting here suggests that you feel something's off. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Given that she's been this way the whole time, she seems unlikely to change. Offering great sex for a paid vacation is the most off-putting part of it. That's what escorts and gold-diggers do - not serious loving girlfriends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I don't think you're a match, and it sounds like she wants to get into swapping/threesomes, etc. I also find the offer of "the best sex of your life" in exchange for a paid vacation to Europe a significant turnoff. In fact, as a man, my wallet is pretty much developing cobwebs when it comes to women. Link to post Share on other sites
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