What do you value more? Physical connection, or mental/emotional?

[onceupona]

Now I understand that ideally you find your "type" in all aspects, however this is very rare to actually find.

Someone you find a huge spark and attraction with, but also that understands you, and that you can have deep and meaningful conversations with, and someone that you can be yourself with, and find a friend in.

 

Reality is, it seems that there has to be a compromise.

I am only just getting back into the dating scene after a breakup 10 months ago.

As a 29 year old man, I truly feel that social media, access to viewing all these perfect models and bloggers and "influencers" in the palm of our fingers popping up on the home feed raises our expectations so much, and it is unrealistic.

 

I met a girl very recently, and I had a wonderful time with her.

I did not feel as attracted to her as I would with a girl that was completely the type I would love to look at, be in bed with, etc.

The fact is, I have normally dated women that are my "type" physically, and it has always ended horribly for me.

Here I meet a woman that is by no mean unattractive, a woman I felt had a maturity I have not come across in many other women before, and one that I had an instant connection with, talked about everything with, and is anything but shallow.

 

Just because she is not my ideal "physical" type, should I rule it out completely and not waste her time? Or is there no harm in continuing to get to know her?

[mark clemson]

Only you can decide what you want and value. Branching out and trying new things is part of growth.

 

I'd say give it a shot. Vive la différence!

[smackie9]

It can be an age thing...the younger you are the more it's about the physical....as you get older, more mature, you stat to really respect the emotional connection over the physical.

[Hopeful30]

If only given these options, I would go for the mental/emotional connection.

 

The reason I made this choice is because I have experienced both individually (bf with emotional/mental connection but no physical, and visa versa). Of the two, I was happier in the mental/emotional connection relationship. It was more fulfilling, more mature and overall healthier than my relationship based on physical/sexual compatibility.

 

That being said, I broke up with him anyways because I couldn't even have sex with him. So even though your question is hypothetical, in either case it is likely to fail. A balance of all three *must* be present for potential for success, in my humble opinion.

[Foxhall]

Yes personally the emotional connection would be more important, as Hopeful says, you probably need a bit of all however for a relationship to last, if you love the person physically this may also lead to a good emotional bond, so in that sense you can get both, strong emotional connections are great though, even if isolating it in purely ,friendship terms having that person to turn too and talk too, we all need that from time to time.

 

As regards OP, I would keep it going for another while and see can you improve the physical bond, you might grow to love her

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr.Me]

I want some of both. I get neither.

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

You have to have some attraction to the other person but there is something to be said about being more open minded.

 

If your "type" always ended badly you have to consider the possibility that your picker is off & change.

 

I dated slightly against type with DH. He's the only younger man I have ever dated & he's quieter then other guys. I usually was attracted to extroverts: salesman, actors, trial lawyers, etc.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I want all 3 and won't settle for less and a partner must feel all 3 for me. I am prepared to stay single for the rest of my life. I have had relationships where I had 2 out of 3 and was miserable.

 

 

Most people don't find all 3 but hate being alone so they proceed with LTR/marriage anyway. That's what I call settling and I don't envy these people at all. If people were less desperate to couple up, I wouldn't have to pay a single's premium on cruises

[onceupona]

It can be an age thing...the younger you are the more it's about the physical....as you get older, more mature, you stat to really respect the emotional connection over the physical.

 

 

Very true.

I know 5 years ago I would not have even considered it.

Now? Totally different story as I am looking for a life long partner and a family to start some day.

[onceupona]

If only given these options, I would go for the mental/emotional connection.

 

The reason I made this choice is because I have experienced both individually (bf with emotional/mental connection but no physical, and visa versa). Of the two, I was happier in the mental/emotional connection relationship. It was more fulfilling, more mature and overall healthier than my relationship based on physical/sexual compatibility.

 

That being said, I broke up with him anyways because I couldn't even have sex with him. So even though your question is hypothetical, in either case it is likely to fail. A balance of all three *must* be present for potential for success, in my humble opinion.

 

 

Fair enough.

Was there literally zero attraction there? Or was it a matter of just not your typical type, but still found him attractive? (Im curious), as in this case, I do not find her unattractive at all. She is in fact very attractive and charming, just not my "usual" type.

[onceupona]

Yes personally the emotional connection would be more important, as Hopeful says, you probably need a bit of all however for a relationship to last, if you love the person physically this may also lead to a good emotional bond, so in that sense you can get both, strong emotional connections are great though, even if isolating it in purely ,friendship terms having that person to turn too and talk too, we all need that from time to time.

 

As regards OP, I would keep it going for another while and see can you improve the physical bond, you might grow to love her

 

Thank you for the response, I will certainly do that.

In the past, I have always had a very strong physical connection. Tons of intimacy, attraction, and all the good stuff. But when it settled, we didn't have much in common to talk about, normally we did not see eye to eye on many things, they were stubborn, or had an ego, or just never compromised on things, etc. It was a brutal relationship, but my attraction kept me there.

Bad decision!

[onceupona]

I want all 3 and won't settle for less and a partner must feel all 3 for me. I am prepared to stay single for the rest of my life. I have had relationships where I had 2 out of 3 and was miserable.

 

 

Most people don't find all 3 but hate being alone so they proceed with LTR/marriage anyway. That's what I call settling and I don't envy these people at all. If people were less desperate to couple up, I wouldn't have to pay a single's premium on cruises

 

I suppose we all have our preferences then.

In my case, I would rather have someone that I can be happy with, that I can laugh with, that I can enjoy life and travel with, start a family with, over being alone.

I imagine being married some day, having children, a home, and if compromising on something is the way to go, I am prepared to do it, as long as I can be happy doing it.

Be interesting to see from experience, what stage others that felt they "compromised" on, are in a few years later.

[smackie9]

I don't think the OP is looking at an uggo he gets along with....just that what we find ourselves attracted to, later in life surprises us. I had a "type", but that changed over time, then I dropped it completely. I ended up dating short fat skinny tall...I liked them all. I remember being so focused on their appearance, I tried to accept their personality, etc, even tho there was little compatibility...it was like sticking a square peg in a round hole.

[Ruby Slippers]

I need a healthy balance of physical and emotional/mental connection. Wild physical attraction alone doesn't get you very far. Strong mental connection without strong physical attraction is... friendship. My man is the only person I have sex and romance with, so we've got to click very well and it's got to be hot.

 

I'm lucky that with my boyfriend, we have excellent mental/emotional chemistry and attraction. I held out a very long time for this, and I'm so glad I did. I'm much happier alone than being in a mediocre relationship. It's got to be sexy, sparkling, and connected on all levels for me to want to invest my energy.

 

Give the new girl a chance. While I think men are less inclined than women to grow a lot more attracted in time, a great connection can improve attraction to a degree.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Do you mean physical CONNECTION, or physical APPEARANCE? Big, big difference between the two.

 

I think you're right about popular media shifting expectations. I'd go so far as to say that your "type" probably doesn't actually exist. That is to say, without the real-world "filters" that women purchase and apply to themselves for the purpose of aligning their outward appearance with whichever image is being most heavily marketed to them (and the men they encounter), women don't really look like that. There may be a few very rare exceptions, but for the most part, the "look" that is most widely described as hot/attractive in modern times depends almost ENTIRELY on the application of a cosmetic veneer.

 

Provided that a woman is reasonably fit and within the range of normal proportion in limbs and face, etc., almost all of them can be made to look like that. The thing is, it costs MONEY. That's the biggest difference I've noticed between "hot" girls and "pretty but plain" girls. The "hot" ones (or more likely their fathers/boyfriends/sugar daddies) have dropped the money necessary to bring their outward appearance into alignment with whatever image is being marketed as most desirable. These women tend to be more high maintenance and less down-to-earth, for obvious reasons: whatever "status" they achieve by altering their appearance depends on the continued investment of time, energy, money, etc. into keeping it up.

 

I don't think this is a new thing by any means, but I do think we're witnessing it on a scale that makes it a lot more obvious.

 

As for myself, Physical CONNECTION is very important - but must be differentiated from appearance. How I feel in a man's arms is much more important than what I see when I look at him.

 

Mental/emotional connection is important to have, but it's not the most important thing to me. I dated a guy long distance for a couple of years with whom I connected on a mental/emotional level that I didn't even know was possible for me. I was more open and talkative with him than I think I've ever been before in my life. He was a hottie, too. But that didn't make up for the fact that the physical connection was lacking.

 

Now I'm engaged to a man I hardly have to talk to, but it's magical the way I can crawl into bed at the end of the day aching and exhausted, and even when he's fast asleep he pulls me in and holds me close - and it's like every little bit of unpleasantness accumulated over the course of the day begins to evaporate out of my pores. He IS handsome by my standards (I like 'em more rugged than pretty), but if I woke up tomorrow to find he'd been turned into some kinda cyclops or something, I'm pretty sure my heart would still melt when I look at him, because of how he holds me and touches me.

[onceupona]

I don't think the OP is looking at an uggo he gets along with....just that what we find ourselves attracted to, later in life surprises us. I had a "type", but that changed over time, then I dropped it completely. I ended up dating short fat skinny tall...I liked them all. I remember being so focused on their appearance, I tried to accept their personality, etc, even tho there was little compatibility...it was like sticking a square peg in a round hole.

 

I suppose despite compromise on looking beyond not being perfect physically or in the personality, there needs to be balance where you can work well as a "team" happily. If one area lacks too much, it simply won't work.

[onceupona]

I need a healthy balance of physical and emotional/mental connection. Wild physical attraction alone doesn't get you very far. Strong mental connection without strong physical attraction is... friendship. My man is the only person I have sex and romance with, so we've got to click very well and it's got to be hot.

 

I'm lucky that with my boyfriend, we have excellent mental/emotional chemistry and attraction. I held out a very long time for this, and I'm so glad I did. I'm much happier alone than being in a mediocre relationship. It's got to be sexy, sparkling, and connected on all levels for me to want to invest my energy.

 

Give the new girl a chance. While I think men are less inclined than women to grow a lot more attracted in time, a great connection can improve attraction to a degree.

 

I'm happy that you have found a partner that matches you well!

 

It's not that this new girl is unattractive by any means whatsoever, just that she isn't the usual type I normally go for. She is charming, smart, and seems very genuine and mature. Admittedly, I would have not considered it 5 years ago. Today, a few relationships later, and being older, I can see beyond being as shallow as I was, and try to focus on what is important. At least I think I can/should be wise enough to do that.

[onceupona]

Mental/emotional connection is important to have, but it's not the most important thing to me. I dated a guy long distance for a couple of years with whom I connected on a mental/emotional level that I didn't even know was possible for me. I was more open and talkative with him than I think I've ever been before in my life. He was a hottie, too. But that didn't make up for the fact that the physical connection was lacking.

 

Now I'm engaged to a man I hardly have to talk to, but it's magical the way I can crawl into bed at the end of the day aching and exhausted, and even when he's fast asleep he pulls me in and holds me close - and it's like every little bit of unpleasantness accumulated over the course of the day begins to evaporate out of my pores. He IS handsome by my standards (I like 'em more rugged than pretty), but if I woke up tomorrow to find he'd been turned into some kinda cyclops or something, I'm pretty sure my heart would still melt when I look at him, because of how he holds me and touches me.

 

Intersting.

Out of curiosity. So you were extremely close and comfortable with that guy, found him attractive, but you didn't feel comfort/intimacy in being physically close to him/holding his hands, laying next to him, etc?

Never thought this was possible really.

 

Glad you found a signifiant other that works for you.

Mental/emotional connection with your I assume must be strong for you to be happy though?

I can't imagine not having deep conversations and talks, discussions, opinions, understanding with important things and values etc.

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Kitty Tantrum]

It's not that I didn't feel any connection with that particular ex when we were together - it's that we were physically, geographically separated most of the time. There was very little physical connecting, and not even a stellar mental connection and HOURS of deep conversation every day could make up for that.

 

With my fiancé, it's not that we can't or don't connect mentally/emotionally, have deep conversations, etc. - it's just not the primary way we connect.

 

It suits me better to have more touching than talking.

[basil67]

Mental and emotional connection gives me the roots of physical attraction. I cannot be physically attracted without it. And I don't have a 'type'.

 

When you say that this woman isn't your physical type, does this mean you have no sexual attraction to her? Or perhaps a better question would be: why are you questioning whether or not you should pursue this? I don't really understand the problem.

[Logo]

Mental and emotional is far more important, but there needs to be physical attraction and a healthy physical connection. Otherwise it’s just a friendship, almost.

 

I have a type, but when I date I don’t look for a type because I know that it’s unrealistic to do that. First I have to find something attractive about a woman. Once I’m attracted, then I need to feel that there is a mental and emotional connection. If there isn’t one, it doesn’t feel like a relationship. It feels like FWB.

[todreaminblue]

i cannot develop any kind of physical desire unless i feel a mental and an emotional connection...that's why i do date from friends...i have to feel that connection to want to know a guy better through dating him....if they try to establish a full on physical connection with me on the first few dates it would be over before they began..i dont do one nighters...i need to see them for who they really are and for them to really know me on an emotionally intimate level.... its not their outsides that counts the most with me............deb

[chillii]

Now I understand that ideally you find your "type" in all aspects, however this is very rare to actually find.

Someone you find a huge spark and attraction with, but also that understands you, and that you can have deep and meaningful conversations with, and someone that you can be yourself with, and find a friend in.

 

Reality is, it seems that there has to be a compromise.

I am only just getting back into the dating scene after a breakup 10 months ago.

As a 29 year old man, I truly feel that social media, access to viewing all these perfect models and bloggers and "influencers" in the palm of our fingers popping up on the home feed raises our expectations so much, and it is unrealistic.

 

I met a girl very recently, and I had a wonderful time with her.

I did not feel as attracted to her as I would with a girl that was completely the type I would love to look at, be in bed with, etc.

The fact is, I have normally dated women that are my "type" physically, and it has always ended horribly for me.

Here I meet a woman that is by no mean unattractive, a woman I felt had a maturity I have not come across in many other women before, and one that I had an instant connection with, talked about everything with, and is anything but shallow.

 

Just because she is not my ideal "physical" type, should I rule it out completely and not waste her time? Or is there no harm in continuing to get to know her?

 

 

In just answering this bit, then ask yourself. lf it can ever be a long lasting relationship or marriage , you'll be sleeping together for a long long time, ideally the plan would be forever.

How do you feel about her like that ?

[chillii]

Me , of course it has to be both parts but saying that , realistically that is . But if it was more attraction than connection, then it couldn't last long.

Attraction is great but could you live with someone, life , family, commitment, on just that alone, don't think so l'd say that'd end up a pretty miserable marriage and doomed, and they won't look like that forever either , then what are you left with.

 

So l suppose when l look at it that way, connection and feelings are what's gonna carry you through to old age, and still have you loving sleeping together even when ya both don't look quite how you use to haha, anymore.

Try sleeping with someone in a person that you don't like.

Edited May 2, 2019 by chillii

[alphamale]

you have to look at the entire package