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Thinking about going overseas to find a wife


ArminVB

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I'm a 30 year old man living in the US who wants to settle down/get married/have kids and I'm seriously considering going back to my homeland to do it. I've been in the US since I was 6 but I was born in a third world country in southeastern Europe/middle east (I still have family back there). What it comes down to is I just don't get any attention from women I would ever consider dating (I'm a pretty decent looking man, I work out religiously and take care of myself - I want a woman who is the same) - the only women who approach me or make it obvious they like me are overweight/single moms/too old/etc...

 

 

I tried online dating and got zero matches with anybody decent. I've tried approaching at bars and other locations and found the difficulty curve to be impossible. I never meet anybody worthwhile through my social circle. I don't approach women in any kind of an awkward, creepy or sexual way. I'm not pushy or needy. I'm 100% girlfriend/wife/kids oriented. I'm not trying to get laid on the first date (I would stop seeing a woman who wanted to have sex with me first date). I'm an old school gentleman - I pay for everything on every date, I'm super loyal and family values oriented. I don't know what the hell else I can do to make myself appealing to women.

 

 

Is this a stupid idea to try to meet and marry somebody from back home? I think I would be very popular back home if I was to go back there. Our women are very loyal to men of our ethnicity, I am in a great position financially and I'm also extraordinarily good looking for the men of our ethnicity. In the US, I get graded on white european standards so I'm just merely decent. Among the men of our ethnicity, I'm in the super elite range. Everybody who knows my family back home comments on how good looking I am.

 

 

Am I setting myself to be taken advantage of? It's worth noting our women are incredibly beautiful and also are exactly my type - they are never feminists, always all about family values, never have tattoos, never have kids out of wedlock, are generally beautiful and curvy, age fantastic, etc.... I'm running around in the US basically trying to find an alternative version of them

Edited by ArminVB
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emeraldgreen

It's not an entirely bad idea if it really opens up options for you. But if you feel like you're the total prize package back there, you'd better do some heavy screening because, while it's nice to have looks and status, you don't want someone to marry you for them.

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No clue , but the women in the US sound about the worst on the planet so if you fell in love with someone from home hopefully you'll get some quality.

Good luck anyway with whatever you decide.

 

 

ps , when l went on a date site here , back when , l didn't even take any notice of matches they sent me they were ridiculous. l got in there and found my own , met some very nice women , try that.

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It's not an entirely bad idea if it really opens up options for you. But if you feel like you're the total prize package back there, you'd better do some heavy screening because, while it's nice to have looks and status, you don't want someone to marry you for them.

 

 

how much screening can I do? I pretty much have to date somebody, go out with them a couple times and marry them

 

what's in my favor is our women are VERY loyal to our men. Divorce doesn't exist back home or it's very very rare (and we're not a muslim country, we're 99.9% christian). Our women are generally happy as long as you're a good dad and good husband (which I will be) and take care of them financially (which I obviously would). They pretty much dedicate their lives to their family, husband and kids (which is how I'm wired too).

 

I seriously wonder how much happier I would be if I never moved to the US. Yea I'm in a great position financially but I've had an absolutely miserable dating life. I would already be settled down with a beautiful wife and kids by now if I never moved to the US

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No clue , but the women in the US sound about the worst on the planet so if you fell in love with someone from home hopefully you'll get some quality.

Good luck anyway with whatever you decide.

 

 

ps , when l went on a date site here , back when , l didn't even take any notice of matches they sent me they were ridiculous. l got in there and found my own , met some very nice women , try that.

 

 

Online dating for me is going to be impossible. I want a decent looking woman around in her 20s to early 30s, in good to great shape, with no kids, intelligent and classy... Women like that on dating sites get 500 million messages a day. I'm never going to stand out, especially since I get graded in the US on white European standards. For men of my ethnicity, I'm in a very elite range. When I get judged on white European standards, I'm merely decent and that's not enough. You have to be a spectacularly handsome man to get anything on dating sites.

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Sounds madness , l can never believe most of the stuff l read in forums but anyway.

Another thing is there's always just as many women in a forum complaining and looking for a man too , so no idea, some of them have been on date sites for years.

Here to look l'm no expert in them l was only on one a short time , but most of the women were pretty bad too , but hey , among them all there was a few jewels.

To me that was only thing l was interested in so l focused on what suited me and just finding those few, worked out very nicely too.

As l say to a lot of guys , just focus on that few , forget the rest of the garbage.

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If you are really dying to go back to your country nobody here can stop you, however, be wary about women taking advantage of you for your status, exactly like you said. One proverb I learned - Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will never change - and both are wrong.

 

The first step I would take is to make sure you are joining extracurricular clubs that you like, and women like at the same time. Then, you know you have at least one thing in common. The "X factor" that American women crave is essentially confidence with social fluidity, and this only comes from trial and error. This is likely what many women dislike about you - you can be hot as hell, but if you don't have the vocabulary of James Bond, many women won't care about you. This is the precise problem that I am dealing with. The only way to tune this skill as best you can is to socialize constantly, and be very perceptive to the unspoken feedback you get. Unless you have very close female friends, most people will laugh and watch you fail. I suggest watching at least one romantic comedy and learning a little bit of that body language and pay attention to how it differs from your own. Then, go out and "peoplewatch", especially at places where people have dates - and be very perceptive to how their body language is different from your own.

 

The next step is to pay very close attention to a woman's actions. All women expect their man to be in some degree, the breadwinner. The key is to distinguish reasonable expectations from the wolf woman who is trying to stick around you for the resources. If you meet the worst possible woman, the lady who is just out for the fancy life, she obviously won't tell you this directly. Women are masters of indirect communication and in fact, in "women only" parties, this is the primary means of communication. A woman who is willing to share the price of dates is a keeper. A woman who complains if you don't bring her to a fancy steak restaurant is a red flag. A woman who never calls you but expects you to do all the calling, is a red flag. A woman who isn't proud to be seen with you outside, is a red flag. A woman who will go on dates with you but won't introduce you to her family, is a red flag. A woman who is nice to you when she wants things, but cries when you argue with her to try and get sympathy, is unacceptably immature.

 

American women aren't all nitpicky people who can only accept being with the GQ models, the great ones are out there. I know because I've met some of them. For me, my dating adventures lead me to realize that I crave the extremely smart and mild mannered woman. At least try to meet women constantly even though you may not be lucky enough to have a date every other day. That way, you can fine tune the way you present yourself so that when the spectacular woman comes along, you can snag her attention.

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If you are really dying to go back to your country nobody here can stop you, however, be wary about women taking advantage of you for your status, exactly like you said. One proverb I learned - Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will never change - and both are wrong.

 

The first step I would take is to make sure you are joining extracurricular clubs that you like, and women like at the same time. Then, you know you have at least one thing in common. The "X factor" that American women crave is essentially confidence with social fluidity, and this only comes from trial and error. This is likely what many women dislike about you - you can be hot as hell, but if you don't have the vocabulary of James Bond, many women won't care about you. This is the precise problem that I am dealing with. The only way to tune this skill as best you can is to socialize constantly, and be very perceptive to the unspoken feedback you get. Unless you have very close female friends, most people will laugh and watch you fail. I suggest watching at least one romantic comedy and learning a little bit of that body language and pay attention to how it differs from your own. Then, go out and "peoplewatch", especially at places where people have dates - and be very perceptive to how their body language is different from your own.

 

The next step is to pay very close attention to a woman's actions. All women expect their man to be in some degree, the breadwinner. The key is to distinguish reasonable expectations from the wolf woman who is trying to stick around you for the resources. If you meet the worst possible woman, the lady who is just out for the fancy life, she obviously won't tell you this directly. Women are masters of indirect communication and in fact, in "women only" parties, this is the primary means of communication. A woman who is willing to share the price of dates is a keeper. A woman who complains if you don't bring her to a fancy steak restaurant is a red flag. A woman who never calls you but expects you to do all the calling, is a red flag. A woman who isn't proud to be seen with you outside, is a red flag. A woman who will go on dates with you but won't introduce you to her family, is a red flag. A woman who is nice to you when she wants things, but cries when you argue with her to try and get sympathy, is unacceptably immature.

 

American women aren't all nitpicky people who can only accept being with the GQ models, the great ones are out there. I know because I've met some of them. For me, my dating adventures lead me to realize that I crave the extremely smart and mild mannered woman. At least try to meet women constantly even though you may not be lucky enough to have a date every other day. That way, you can fine tune the way you present yourself so that when the spectacular woman comes along, you can snag her attention.

 

 

you're talking to me like I'm a social retard. I know how to handle myself in social situations. I agree and know with most of what you said - even if I was to go back home overseas, I would look for the woman who is cool with going to a low key restaurant. If she wants me to go to the nicest place in the city every night, I know we will have problems

 

but let's be honest here, even if you do a good job and approach a woman with a good vibe/attitude/social grace, getting dates from those random approaches is extraordinarily difficult. 99% of guys meet women through friends/work because you generally need to interact with a woman over and over and over again before she will even consider giving you a chance. No matter what the hell I do, I just don't meet women through friends or work.

 

Last week, I approached this cute Persian girl at a bar. We talked for 30 minutes, seemed to have everything in common (our middle eastern family values are very similar), seemed to have great chemistry, she lived 5 minutes from me, just broke up with her boyfriend. She instantly gave me her number when I asked her for it. I asked her out and she ghosted on me a few days later. This is the dating world - even if you do everything right, getting a woman off a random approach to an actual date is excruciatingly difficult. That was my first number with a girl I would consider dating in about 2 years. I haven't been on a date in years. I fear I'm wasting my best years of my life. The rest of my life is absolutely perfect and I just can't seem to make anything happen dating wise.

Edited by ArminVB
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Dating is hard these days, for men and women, no matter what continent you are on...

 

If you think you will find what you want back home, then try it. What do you have to lose?

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Dating is hard these days, for men and women, no matter what continent you are on...

 

 

for women, it's just about picking the perfect choice among a billion options

 

 

for men, if you don't meet women naturally through social circle/work, you're facing an unbelievably difficult proposition

 

 

If you think you will find what you want back home, then try it. What do you have to lose?

 

 

lol. I have everything to lose. if I marry someone and she divorces me, I'm losing about 400K overnight. I've killed myself to make that 400K

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It's easy to become bitter against women due to your dry spells in dating, but it's really important to not let that show. Women can sniff that out very quickly because bitterness towards women spills over into many aspects of life. This is tough but important.

 

If you dislike your social circle, it's up to you to make new ones. Nobody will give you a new social circle for free.

 

As for the salary thing - if you fear women marrying you for your salary, pick only your economic equals or write a prenuptial agreement and insist on it.

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It's easy to become bitter against women due to your dry spells in dating, but it's really important to not let that show. Women can sniff that out very quickly because bitterness towards women spills over into many aspects of life. This is tough but important.

 

the rest of my life is absolutely perfect

 

I'm not bitter about it. I understand the women I'm interested in have an ungodly amount of options. I'm just realistic about the proposition of getting even a real chance (IE a date) with somebody I want. The odds are very very slim. I've gone out with 1 guy who did well with approaching random women and he was a borderline male model. I would be a male model back home in my country but here in the US, I'm just your average mediocre 7/10

 

If you don't meet women naturally nowadays, you pretty much to have settle for somebody about half as good looking as you are as a man.

 

If you dislike your social circle, it's up to you to make new ones. Nobody will give you a new social circle for free.

 

As for the salary thing - if you fear women marrying you for your salary, pick only your economic equals or write a prenuptial agreement and insist on it.

 

 

I constantly make friends, year after year, nobody knows any single women I would consider dating. The ones they introduce me to are either not attractive, too old, have kids (so they don't meet the first requirements) or they may be cute and in nice shape but they're complete train wrecks (drug users, smokers, tattooed chicks, all sorts of nonsense). I need somebody who is cute, nice body but also healthy mind, responsible, classy, family oriented, intelligent, etc....

 

 

As far as your second comment goes. That would be a no no back home. Prenups are not ok in my home country. You either have to dive all in or not dive at all. There are no security barriers back home. LOL @ marrying my economic equal. I don't think the president of our country makes what I make here in the US... good luck finding a cute 25 year old who makes that. Maybe I can go after celebrities in our home country lol

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In that case consider spending lots of time discussing the importance of your values and things that you won't stand down on. Women can always divorce you, that sadly is a fact of marriage.

 

Secondarily, look back on all the women who have turned you down. Are you absolutely certain that the only thing that has gone wrong is you are not hot enough? Are you really really sure?

 

Consider taking a vacation to your home country, experimenting with the dating scene, and tell us how it goes? Alternatively seek out exchange students from your closest university who are of the same nationality as yourself and tell us how it goes?

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emeraldgreen

Are you the "desperate to find a girlfriend" guy from yesterday? A lot of your text reads the same and you used similar phrases like "not a social retard".

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ExpatInItaly
Are you the "desperate to find a girlfriend" guy from yesterday? A lot of your text reads the same and you used similar phrases like "not a social retard".

 

This.

 

The desperation will be obvious to many women, OP, and will send them in the opposite direction.

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You should try to meet a woman from your country who has spent years living in the US like yourself. You grew up here, you're American, you may not have that much in common with women back "home". But you'll share a lot of the same experiences with someone who had also moved to the US from your original country. Maybe you can check the embassy websites for any cultural events, or language practice.

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You should try to meet a woman from your country who has spent years living in the US like yourself. You grew up here, you're American, you may not have that much in common with women back "home". But you'll share a lot of the same experiences with someone who had also moved to the US from your original country. Maybe you can check the embassy websites for any cultural events, or language practice.

 

 

that would be ideal but doesn't seem to be possible. Not many of us in America

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In that case consider spending lots of time discussing the importance of your values and things that you won't stand down on. Women can always divorce you, that sadly is a fact of marriage.

 

Secondarily, look back on all the women who have turned you down. Are you absolutely certain that the only thing that has gone wrong is you are not hot enough? Are you really really sure?

 

Consider taking a vacation to your home country, experimenting with the dating scene, and tell us how it goes? Alternatively seek out exchange students from your closest university who are of the same nationality as yourself and tell us how it goes?

 

my main point was that approaching women has an extremely high difficulty curve in terms of actually converting to dating

 

 

and I just don't even see many that I even like. Wanting a decent to good looking girl in her 20s with a nice, toned body seems to be asking for too much

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Last week, I approached this cute Persian girl at a bar. We talked for 30 minutes, seemed to have everything in common (our middle eastern family values are very similar), seemed to have great chemistry, she lived 5 minutes from me, just broke up with her boyfriend. She instantly gave me her number when I asked her for it. I asked her out and she ghosted on me a few days later. This is the dating world - even if you do everything right, getting a woman off a random approach to an actual date is excruciatingly difficult. That was my first number with a girl I would consider dating in about 2 years.

That is not "the dating word" that was making a bad choice. Women who tell you they have just split up with a bf are rarely ready to date, so no real surprise she flaked on you...

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Am I setting myself to be taken advantage of?

 

 

Of course not. You can't be "taken advantage of" because you clearly already know what the trade-off is.

 

 

There is no country in the world where women are 100% loyal blah blah blah to their husbands for absolutely nothing in return. Given that you are not exactly offering love, chemistry, or respect for them as a person, you would be expected to offer something else. In this case, you will likely be expected (by either them or their parents) to provide financial stability, perhaps to the entire family, and a green card in return for being able to have your pick of the women. The desirable women (or their parents) will have plenty of other wealthy suitor options if you are unwilling to. In return, you probably won't get love or an enthusiastic lover who is attracted to you, but as you said, you will probably get a loyal wife who ticks off all the items on your checklist and who will do what she needs to do to maintain that status.

 

 

 

This isn't necessarily bad or wrong, it just is. So do it if you want to.

Edited by Elswyth
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You sound like you are fairly average in what You have to offer. Perhaps you need to manage your expectations.

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I generally think going to another country to seek a match is a bad idea. Most times the person intending to do this is just a sad shell of a person trying to "buy" a wife.

 

That is not the sense I get from you ArminVB. You have some "game". You are well off financially & appear well spoke. You had enough confidence to talk to the girl in the bar. I'm sorry she ghosted you but that was probably more about her recent break up then you. I think the timing was wrong. It was fun to flirt with you in the moment but her pain may have been too raw.

 

I agree with those suggesting you date somebody who is already here. Anyway, are there any enclaves of your countrymen where you live? What about elsewhere in the US? Before you go running all the way home try to find a nice girl who is already here. Somebody who shares your values but who thinks you are cute for you, not on some European-white scale or whatever it was that you said that you feel is holding you back. Finding a woman to date who is already here will be much simpler. Do try the embassy. Also talk to your mom & her friends. I'm serious.

 

The reason I suggest this is if you go home to find a wife, your 1st problem will be how to date. Long distance over 1/2 the planet is tough. Then there come the immigration issues. Do speak to an immigration attorney about all that will be entailed getting your betrothed here. Make sure you understand what your support obligations are in the event of a divorce. Don't talk about how "loyal" woman back home are. You are confusing loyal with lack of options. Once somebody gets a taste of freedom you don't know how she will act. You also need to think about the language & cultural barriers. Finally you have to consider that by marrying a foreign bride & essentially dragging her here, you are cutting her off from her family. If you have kids, she will be deprived of the support system she grew up counting on. That will make her miserable & depressed. Is that really what you want, a wife who is longing to go home?

 

Another option may be you moving back to your country. Is that economically feasible for you?

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for women, it's just about picking the perfect choice among a billion options

 

Sure, if that’s what you think. I’m not going to waste my time trying to convince you otherwise...

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