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I want a girlfriend so badly but I don't meet any women naturally


AceTheBrain7

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AceTheBrain7

I don't know what to do. I don't meet women via friends/work/daily routine. I tried online dating and found it to be impossible to even get any matches with anybody decent. I've tried sports leagues and found it mostly filled with dudes. I did meetup groups and found nothing there. I don't know what else I can do

 

 

Trying to approach women you don't know is so goddamn difficult. I've worked really hard at improving myself in terms of looks, body, fashion sense, personality, body language, my career success, etc... but I still find it insanely difficult to even get a date. Approaching women at bars/clubs/gyms/stores/concerts/etc... is all brutally difficult. Even if you're likable and pretty good looking, women have so many options when they go out - they leave you in 30 seconds when they see a better option. I'm not awkward or ugly or fat or a loser work wise...quite the opposite actually but I still don't get any attention from anybody decent. The women who approach me tend to be very overweight or far too old (I'm 30 - I can't date 35-40 year olds).

 

 

What can I do? Do I just lay down and accept being alone forever?

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healing light

It's admirable that you are making an effort, but I think in this situation in may be helpful to relax. If you are feeling desperate that may come off unintentionally in your body language or communication.

 

Your last line is defeatist--alone forever? You're still young. Why are you closed off to women 5 years your senior?

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AceTheBrain7
It's admirable that you are making an effort, but I think in this situation in may be helpful to relax. If you are feeling desperate that may come off unintentionally in your body language or communication.

 

Your last line is defeatist--alone forever? You're still young. Why are you closed off to women 5 years your senior?

 

 

 

I want kids in 4-7 years, I really need like a 24-28 year old

 

 

Even when you approach women at random places and are very charismatic/likable, keeping their attention is very VERY difficult. I should note I'm going after good looking women in good shape. I'm a pretty good looking man in great shape so I'm going after women similar to myself

Edited by AceTheBrain7
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emeraldgreen

Work on your desperation to start with. People can sense it a mile off. Stop needing something and that's when you'll find it. It's not like you're gonna die if you don't have a girlfriend. Where is the desperation coming from?

 

Also, look at your standards/criteria. You mentioned not finding anybody decent online. You mean no one decent is there, or the decent ones there ignore you? Is it time to widen your net, take chances on someone who ticks different boxes but might be interested in meeting you?

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AceTheBrain7
Work on your desperation to start with. People can sense it a mile off. Stop needing something and that's when you'll find it. It's not like you're gonna die if you don't have a girlfriend. Where is the desperation coming from?

 

I make friends everywhere I go, it's not like I'm a social retard

 

but getting women interested in you via a random approaches is incredibly difficult, even if you're pretty decent looking, in great shape, have a good paying job, etc... Even if you do a decent job approaching, women my age have so many options nowadays that keeping their attention is insanely difficult.

 

 

Also, look at your standards/criteria. You mentioned not finding anybody decent online. You mean no one decent is there, or the decent ones there ignore you? Is it time to widen your net, take chances on someone who ticks fewer boxes but might be interested in meeting you?

 

 

I'm looking for 22-30, decent face, decent body (not fat, not skinny), no kids, intelligent and well spoken. I found absolutely nothing online - zero matches with anybody close to my taste. There were tons and tons and tons of women online but none of them were interested in me

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Strong sense of deja vu. Seems to be quite a pattern lately of men who are good looking, educated, fit, healthy, good dresser who can't find a women who's their perfect package.

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emeraldgreen
I make friends everywhere I go, it's not like I'm a social retard

 

 

I know people with Down's syndrome who make friends wherever they go. You're not looking for a friend here, so it's more about how you come across to the opposite sex. If your post oozes of neediness, what do you present like in real life? Outcome-dependent?

 

You're also looking for the most sought-after demographic in the human race, so unless you're in the top 10% of men a woman can choose from, you're gonna have to widen your parameters.

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AceTheBrain7
I know people with Down's syndrome who make friends wherever they go. You're not looking for a friend here, so it's more about how you come across to the opposite sex. If your post oozes of neediness, what do you present like in real life? Outcome-dependent?

 

You're also looking for the most sought-after demographic in the human race, so unless you're in the top 10% of men a woman can choose from, you're gonna have to widen your parameters.

 

 

I'm 5'10 195 lbs, probably like 10% bodyfat, pretty good looking in the face (although I'm not photogenic :( ), dress impeccably nice, have a great lifestyle and make around 180K a year.

 

 

I would say I'm in top 10% of men

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I'm 5'10 195 lbs, probably like 10% bodyfat, pretty good looking in the face (although I'm not photogenic :( ), dress impeccably nice, have a great lifestyle and make around 180K a year.

 

 

I would say I'm in top 10% of men

 

There's a lot more to being in the top 10% than this. A guy can do all of this but still be a douche bag. Most women will want more than a high earning bit of arm candy.

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AceTheBrain7
There's a lot more to being in the top 10% than this. A guy can do all of this but still be a douche bag. Most women will want more than a high earning bit of arm candy.

 

 

I'm above average intelligence

I can hold a pretty good conversation on any subject matter

I have a 7 inch penis and am very good in bed

I'm ferociously loyal to my loved ones

I'm honest and caring

I love kids

I'm all about my family

 

 

 

I don't know what else I can do to make myself a decent catch? Truth be told, I have supreme confidence in myself to handle myself well if I was to actually get any opportunities but I simply don't get any opportunities with anybody decent

 

 

For online dating, my biggest problem is I'm just not photogenic at all. I get compliments on a regular basis in real life but I look absolutely terrible in pictures (or terrible in my opinion at least)

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hmmm so nothing really that puts you significantly above other men? Guys who have these traits are a dime a dozen. Yes, it's all good stuff, but you've yet to convince me you're top 10%. We're talking elite here.....

 

I've known guys who really are something special and they do have desirable women show interest at parties or events. And because these guys are something special, they get invited to everything going on because their friends all want them there. These guys don't need online dating.

 

The only other option you have is to stop trying to punch above your weight.

Edited by basil67
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AceTheBrain7
hmmm so nothing really that puts you significantly above other men? Guys who have these traits are a dime a dozen. Yes, it's all good stuff, but you've yet to convince me you're top 10%. We're talking elite here.....

 

I've known guys who really are something special and they do have desirable women show interest at parties or events. And because these guys are something special, they get invited to everything going on because their friends all want them there. These guys don't need online dating.

 

The only other option you have is to stop trying to punch above your weight.

 

 

you understand the percentage of men earning 180K at 30 is like 1 or 2% right?

you understand the percentage of men in the same shape I'm in is maybe 5 or 6% right?

 

 

and what percentage of those men are stand up, honest, loyal, family oriented men like I am? Come on, you know you're being completely ridiculous

 

 

and also you seem to be under impression that I'm going for hollywood celebrities. I just want a cute girl my age who works out and doesn't have kids. Are women so far above men nowadays that a 7/10 male asking for a 7/10 female is punching above my weight?

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TheFinalWord

I understand OP's desperation. Society shames men that can't naturally find a mate and when you don't have one, it can feel like there's something wrong with you. Men feel the same sense of urgency as women feel when they know their biological clock is ticking and no stable man in sight. It's just now men are talking about it.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. I feel sorry for your generation. I mostly date in the same age range. My age (about 10 years older than you), gives me a psychological advantage to attract them, however, I've found developing a meaningful relationship with that age range nearly impossible. They're inundated with options. Imagine if you as a guy could have 20 new matches on tinder every night. Would you settle down, or just keep making the rounds? When the initial honeymoon wears off, what would keep you from getting your next dopamine hit of a new partner every month. To pretend women are somehow above this temptation, is just asinine. It's the perfect trap for their unfettered hypergamy.

 

I would focus on just trying to find a partner, and don't worry about the kid stuff. Who even wants to bring kids into this world...I've thought about it a lot actually. Focus on finding a partner, and don't worry about her age.

Edited by TheFinalWord
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and also you seem to be under impression that I'm going for hollywood celebrities. I just want a cute girl my age who works out and doesn't have kids. Are women so far above men nowadays that a 7/10 male asking for a 7/10 female is punching above my weight?

 

7/10 is top 30%. Not top 10%. Now we're getting more realistic.

 

Thing is though, if you were all you are painting yourself to be, you'd be in high demand socially, have ample opportunity to meet women and in turn, they would be keen to meet you and date you.

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TheFinalWord

Maybe, maybe not.

 

Making a lot of money is often a lonely task. Depends on the job. Something in sales, maybe, or some high-powered firm in NYC.

 

OP if you're in really good shape, your size can intimidate women. When you do approach, you'll have to learn to soften your approach...there are all kinds of glitches with being a serious bodybuilder/gymrat and attracting women.

 

 

If you aren't approaching, then your options are basically relying on luck. You can't do anything about randomly meeting people at work, or in social circles. It's rare. And, like I told you, OLD may produce 5 viable options for me a year. The women I meet there are the 1% of women that will approach men in real life and ask them out. Exceedingly rare.

 

You need to learn to approach. Watch this video:

 

Edited by TheFinalWord
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The other thing to remember is that how we look in a photo is how we look in real life. With the exception of when someone uses a really wide angle lens and we get a mild fish eye effect.

 

I'm not being mean - I'm the same.I look fabulous in the mirror, but let's just say my photos are not as flattering. It's not that I'm not photogenic. It's that the camera doesn't lie.

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bathtub-row

I think you’re possibly taking yourself too seriously. A lot of women feel the same way - that men rarely approach them in public and most of them are just out for immediate sex.

 

If you see someone in public that appeals to you, try to chat with them about something in your current surroundings. In other words, try to draw them out in conversation before actually asking them out. Try to keep in mind that good looking women are often approached in a disrespectful manner by a lot of men. Be different by being considerate. If you’re nice but she’s rude back, then blow her off. There’s no excuse for a woman to be rude to a man who approaches her in a respectful manner. I know it must be tough to encounter that but you have to learn to shake it off. I was never, ever rude to a man who approached me. The only time I ever acted slightly cold was when he just wouldn’t take no for an answer after I politely turned him down because I either wasn't interested, had a bf, husband, etc.

 

You should only approach women that appeal to you. Your taste is your taste and there’s nothing wrong with that. And if you don’t want her to be older than you, even by a few years, there’s nothing wrong with that either.

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TheFinalWord

Good advice Bathtub-row.

 

May I ask a question? On average, how many men approached you when you were single and interested in meeting someone, especially in the age range OP is attracted to? Of those, how many were able to get you on a date? Not being approached in a bar necessarily, but just in daily life.

 

I think this might help OP because approaching is so rare. In this day and age, for a woman out of college where she has a massive, close knit social circle, they all tell me they rarely get approached. They all have to use OLD and wish they didn't. OP can really stand out just by getting used to approaching.

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bathtub-row
I'm above average intelligence

I can hold a pretty good conversation on any subject matter

I have a 7 inch penis and am very good in bed

I'm ferociously loyal to my loved ones

I'm honest and caring

I love kids

I'm all about my family

 

 

 

I don't know what else I can do to make myself a decent catch? Truth be told, I have supreme confidence in myself to handle myself well if I was to actually get any opportunities but I simply don't get any opportunities with anybody decent

 

For online dating, my biggest problem is I'm just not photogenic at all. I get compliments on a regular basis in real life but I look absolutely terrible in pictures (or terrible in my opinion at least)

 

I agree that you sound like a great catch. You know, my son is close to your age and he’s had two very significant relationships in his life - one was with someone he met in high school and they dated up through the majority of their college years. She was very pretty and is now an attorney. His current gf, also very pretty, is someone he met where she worked at a bar/restaurant while with friends that were mutual acquaintances. They just started chatting, etc. That was 5 yrs ago.

 

My son has always dated pretty women. He had a short-lived relationship with one that was absolutely stunning. When I asked him why he stopped dating her, he said she was really quiet and he needed someone he can have conversations with. Lol. I really like that he needs to be with someone with substance.

 

I get your frustration but there’s someone out there for you. Change your mind set that they’re all taken or that they have a short attention span.

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I would caution you to not look at your salary as a selling point. If a woman wouldn't date you if you earned 60K, you don't want her.

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emeraldgreen

You're acting like your "specs" entitle you to someone. They don't. They might help what you naturally give off if what you give off is good.

 

I'm in my mid 40s and haven't made a dime over 60K in a single year. I'm active but have love handles. I probably have 3 people I consider real friends, and yet, I've dated great looking childless girls aged between 27 and 30 since I was well, 27-30. Your attitude or something you're giving off is holding you back. Don't gimme this crap about looking better in real life.

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bathtub-row
Good advice Bathtub-row.

 

May I ask a question? On average, how many men approached you when you were single and interested in meeting someone, especially in the age range OP is attracted to? Of those, how many were able to get you on a date? Not being approached in a bar necessarily, but just in daily life.

 

I think this might help OP because approaching is so rare. In this day and age, for a woman out of college where she has a massive, close knit social circle, they all tell me they rarely get approached. They all have to use OLD and wish they didn't. OP can really stand out just by getting used to approaching.

 

Sure. Thanks for asking. I was approached fairly often but they rarely turned into dates because either the guy was pushy or I was already in a relationship. During that phase of my life, I was rarely without a bf for very long. For instance, I married young and became single again when I was 26. Within a few weeks, I met someone at work, we started dating and then married a couple of years later. After that marriage ended, I was around 35 and then was introduced to someone who worked with my brother-in-law. That lasted about 1.5 yrs. I later met a guy through an ad who turned out to be a stalker, then I met another guy through work.

 

Once, a guy approached me in the grocery store and got really irritated with me because I was married but not wearing my ring at the time. In bars, men were often very pushy when I turned them down. Or, if I agreed to dance with them, they also became pushy. A stranger being pushy with a woman is an extremely poor move. I was also often approached by married men. I recall one guy at work who practically begged me to be his mistress. I thought that was the craziest thing. He was extremely charming and very open about wanting a mistress, and promised to treat me well and lavish me with all kinds of things. I liked him a lot but told him he was nuts if he thought I’d agree to that. He persisted for quite some time until I tired of it. Then there was the guy who wanted me to do a threesome with him and his wife. I must’ve come off as mistress material. I once found out that this huge rumor was going around at work that I was having an affair with some guy at the office - someone I didn’t even know - and that the guy said I had a ‘workout body’. I didn’t work out at all so I found it all really funny. Sometimes guys in public would do or say something to me that I thought would lead to them asking me out, but didn’t. I was usually disappointed by that. Being an old fashioned southern girl, I would never ask a guy out. The other thing was, I was often approached by black men. I’m white and not prejudiced at all but have no interest in a relationship that mixed. But I got that a lot.

 

Looking back, I realize I was very pretty but had no idea. It was the classic ugly duckling story where I a tomboy as a child and blossomed when I was around 25 but didn’t see it. I was very critical of myself. I was once at a Xmas party and a woman who had just met me told me I was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. I was completely shocked by her comment. It’s one thing for someone to tell you you’re pretty and you just shrug it off as a nice thing to hear. But I couldn’t really shrug off a comment like that from someone who had no agenda. It really made me think.

 

So, sometimes when a person sees someone as beautiful, it doesn’t always mean they see themselves that way or that it means anything in terms of personality or a guy’s chances. I never developed an attitude about men because I usually related better to them than I did to women. I found most women to be petty and superficial.

 

Sorry - long story but maybe it helps shed light on some things about dating.

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bathtub-row
You're acting like your "specs" entitle you to someone. They don't. They might help what you naturally give off if what you give off is good.

 

I'm in my mid 40s and haven't made a dime over 60K in a single year. I'm active but have love handles. I probably have 3 people I consider real friends, and yet, I've dated great looking childless girls aged between 27 and 30 since I was well, 27-30. Your attitude or something you're giving off is holding you back. Don't gimme this crap about looking better in real life.

 

I agree with a lot of this, however, I think his apparent level of intelligence would be highly appealing to most women. Looks are, however, far less important to women than they are to men. Kind, intelligent men who can make it in the world are way ahead of the game.

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I'm 5'10 195 lbs, probably like 10% bodyfat, pretty good looking in the face (although I'm not photogenic :( ), dress impeccably nice, have a great lifestyle and make around 180K a year.

 

 

I would say I'm in top 10% of men

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wouldn't matter where your at most guys of anything find a gf.Seems anyone l've ever known there'd only be like 2% that haven't found a gf if they've wanted one , that leave 98% roughly of guys in amy combo you could find on any street not just some idealistic top 10% bs, l don't even know anyone l'd consider near that, but they all find gf's , some many.

 

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting someone older or over weight or whatever when you aren't yourself.

Sounds like your just picking out anyone that;s good looking though which is what a lot of struggling guys seem to do.

l've never had a woman shortage but there's only a small percentage of women l could go for non the less wouldn't get anywhere nor even want to with the rest.

You gotta focus on someone a bit like you,someone she'll relate to and you'll relate too,and with things and views in common, not just anyone in a skirt.

look for women that your likely gonna have that connection with.

lf l didn't have that l wouldn't stick around for her either.

They're talking to you for awhile, zero connection and off they go , hell l'd do the same.

You gotta hone in on the right person , which you can both feel from across a room with 100 people in it sometimes at a glance or watching her , how she dresses how she acts.

She's the one you go for.

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TheFinalWord

Thank you so much for sharing! Very interesting.

 

It appears the relationships you got into were mainly through social circles, specifically work, and not from approaching.

 

Seems like most of the men that approached you were obnoxious, rude, probably drunk, or for flings. I hope I'm paraphrasing that right. OP, when you approach you should just keep it simple. Introduce yourself, chat for a minute, and tell her you found her attractive and could you give her a call sometime. Then leave it alone.

 

Side note...

 

For the men struggling, you can see that a woman in her 20s and 30s only single if she wants to be. Bathtub was very attractive and was constantly being pursued by men, but nowadays even an average looking woman has an overwhelming amount of men messaging and matching with her on dating apps. And what she's reporting is not uncommon. It's the norm.

 

Majority of men out of college and just going through their daily lives probably wake up to no text messages from women, no women commenting how attractive they are on their social media pictures, maybe 1 or 2 matches on dating apps, if he's lucky...and probably with unattractive women. Highly unlikely any of his OLD e-mails were answered, despite taking the time to read her profile to try to craft a creative message. Lost in a sea of other messages flooding her inbox. And no women are going to approach you, so you can forget that happening lol

 

In the modern dating era, it's even more so the case because she has dating apps with literally hundreds of matches.

 

The 27-year old girl I am dating now showed me her bumble account and within 1 hour of arriving to my city had over 300 matches.

 

It's not all ancetodal either. Some new data showed 30% of US men 18-30 years of age have had no sex in the past year; tripled between 2008 and 2018. It's hard not to notice the main variable that has strongly impacted society: social media and dating apps.

 

The amount of men under 30 not having sex has nearly tripled in the past decade

 

I do sincerely thank you for replying back and providing such a thoughtful response. Very nice of you because you certainly didn't have to do that. Thank you!!

 

 

I agree with a lot of this, however, I think his apparent level of intelligence would be highly appealing to most women. Looks are, however, far less important to women than they are to men. Kind, intelligent men who can make it in the world are way ahead of the game.

 

What you say makes sense, but I have a doctorate and make six figures and it doesn't seem to make much difference. I come across forward on this site, but in real life I am kind and well-mannered and a good communicator. Women are educated and make more than a lot of men these days. More of them in college too. So a guy with the same doesn't tend to stand out much. ON TOP OF THAT, as icing on the cake, OP is also well-built. I am built similar to OP (pic in my profile), but it doesn't make much of a difference. For the women that forward, it does because they will come right up to me and ask me out. But that's really rare and the number of times that happens is no where near the ROI it takes to achieve a good physique. In fact, it can actually intimidate women because they don't want to date a guy that looks better than them a lot of times. For a fling? Sure. But not to date for an LTR or marriage.

 

This is why OP is struggling. On paper, he checks all the box on a woman's hypergamous checklist. He is educated, has a life mission, has look-maxed, has a strong social circle, focuses on constant self-improvement, above average height, constantly works to improve his communication skills and personality, and still no growth in the romantic relationship department. It's becoming more common for young men to struggle in this area. I just say all this to say, I understand OP's frustration and anxiety.

Edited by TheFinalWord
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