Ramblings in my Mind... Thoughts or Comments?

[rachel_30]

Hello,

 

I’d like to get some advice/feedback from both the guys and girls if I could. I’ll apologize in advance for the long post and rambling. This is also for me to get my thoughts into the open.

 

About me: 30 years old, divorced for 2 years, ex-husband was in the military and cheated on me and got someone else knocked up during my pregnancy. That marriage obviously ended. My daughter is 6 years old. After the marriage ended, I did the normal grieving and going out partying, being wild and having a few conquests. After that, I decided it was time for me to explore something more serious. I’ve dated multiple men in the past year but none were long term potential - anger issues, didn’t have meaningful work/couldn’t hold a job, liars, just drama and bad fit for me all the way around. I work hard, I make my own money and expect my partner to at a minimum, do the same for himself. Needless to say, I was about to give up on dating… (from stage left…enters someone I’ll call Bob…)

 

About Bob: He’s 40, has two children 8 and 4, divorced, his ex cheated on him during the marriage and he finally had enough. He’s handsome, well mannered, we’ve gone on several weekend trips both alone and with all our kids. No drama, honest as far as I can tell, homeowner, great job, calm and excellent with his kids and mine.

 

 

Random thoughts:

 

1). I’m concerned he’s too nice. I’ve seen how his ex treats him via the text messages that display on his car radio. He doesn’t hide the messages but she’s always asking for things and he never pushes back against her. Another example, I was exhausted one day at his house, he told me to go into his room and take a nap and he’ll entertain the kids. He did such a great job and I got to sleep and rest for over an hour. I’m not used to that kind of niceness/co-parenting. I would do the same for him of course. Another example, last month my daughter was sick at school, he has more flexibility at his work and volunteered to get her and keep her at my apartment until I got off work..didn’t even have to ask him or hint at it. He seems to enjoy helping.

 

2). He’s been divorced about a year and 3 months - has he got it all out of his system or am I his rebound?

 

3). My lease on my apartment runs out in July, I’d like to move in with him, he has an extra bedroom for my daughter and I’ve discussed it with him and he seems comfortable with it. By July, we would have been dating for 8 months. Is that too soon? The kids all get along. My parents want to discuss things with him over dinner and I was expecting him to delay that conversation or hesitate. He told my folks he thought it was a great idea and set a date and time to meet them. I know I miss him dearly when he's not here, I usually tire of people quickly but not him. He's also mentioned he misses not having me around as much.

 

4). My ex husband who is still involved in my daughter’s life has zero interest in meeting my boyfriend. I thought it was an appropriate thing to do given that I may be moving to his home. I told my ex husband I may be moving to my boyfriends home and his response was “I don’t care” - I don’t get that.

 

5). Is he too old? He gets compliments from others and I’ve heard it from others with my own ears he doesn’t look 40, more like early 30s. My friends have all told me to try dating an older man

 

6) Friends - I haven’t met them, I don’t know if he really has any. I know he’s mentioned that a lot of people disappeared after the marriage was on the rocks and the divorce. He has mentioned 3 guy friends names but I haven’t seen him with them nor have I met them…what if he doesn’t have friends…that’s a red flag right??

 

 

If you read all this, congrats lol. I welcome any feedback.

 

R

[chillii]

Well , l know one thing , 8mths is way too soon for your daughter to be moving in with you and another man.

Really she shouldn't even be around him yet let alone moving in with him in a few months.

lf it doesn't work out she has to live through yet another of her family environments of sorts , being destroyed and you don't even really know him yet.

 

Experts advise knowing each other 18mths min' before you go getting your kids mixed up in any new relationship.

And only then if your both 100% sure it's a long term keeper.

[TheFinalWord]

Random thoughts:

 

1). I’m concerned he’s too nice. I’ve seen how his ex treats him via the text messages that display on his car radio. He doesn’t hide the messages but she’s always asking for things and he never pushes back against her. Another example, I was exhausted one day at his house, he told me to go into his room and take a nap and he’ll entertain the kids. He did such a great job and I got to sleep and rest for over an hour. I’m not used to that kind of niceness/co-parenting. I would do the same for him of course. Another example, last month my daughter was sick at school, he has more flexibility at his work and volunteered to get her and keep her at my apartment until I got off work..didn’t even have to ask him or hint at it. He seems to enjoy helping.

 

Please re-read that and tell us why that's a problem. You women lol A guy that is an actual partner and wants to support you, and that's a potential problem. He may not push back against his ex because he's trying to keep things amicable for the kids. He broke it off for the cheating, so my guess is if it wasn't for the kids, he would be long gone from her.

 

2). He’s been divorced about a year and 3 months - has he got it all out of his system or am I his rebound?

 

Most rebounds don't last more than 90 days because the person is emotionally unavailable. Only time will tell. If you're feeling it's too fast, you probably should re-think moving in. Waiting another year is not a big deal and then you'll have more time to get a clear picture of who he is and if you want to blend your families.

 

4). My ex husband who is still involved in my daughter’s life has zero interest in meeting my boyfriend. I thought it was an appropriate thing to do given that I may be moving to his home. I told my ex husband I may be moving to my boyfriends home and his response was “I don’t care” - I don’t get that.

 

He doesn't want to know about what's going on in your life, though he should care since it affects his kids. He may think you're being wreckless for moving in with him at 8 months.

 

5). Is he too old? He gets compliments from others and I’ve heard it from others with my own ears he doesn’t look 40, more like early 30s. My friends have all told me to try dating an older man

 

I think age difference is all in the eye of the beholder. Generally, 10 years isn't a big issue. Depends on the person. If you're physically attracted, that should be enough. Why does it matter if your friends think he's attractive. You're the one that has to look at him every day.

 

6) Friends - I haven’t met them, I don’t know if he really has any. I know he’s mentioned that a lot of people disappeared after the marriage was on the rocks and the divorce. He has mentioned 3 guy friends names but I haven’t seen him with them nor have I met them…what if he doesn’t have friends…that’s a red flag right??

 

Not really. Between a career, marriage, and kids, time for guy friends is probably few and far between. Some people just aren't as social.

 

I think these questions your asking can all be answered in time. You need more time to date him before you think about moving in. None of these are deal breakers to me, but you don't seem like you know him enough to fully let your guard down. If you try to move too fast, you're going to self-sabotage the relationship because you haven't built up enough trust.

Edited April 18, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[emeraldgreen]

Sounds like a decent and well-adjusted dude to me. It's probably scary cause you're used to more volatility. Maybe you find Bob boring because of the lack of drama, so consider that before moving in because you'll end up hurting the guy if you're unwittingly addicted to the roller coaster you've been on since your marriage breakdown. I know that sounds weird, but I've had girls so used to the ups and downs that they'll end up starting **** with me because everything just seemed to normal for them.

[Youngestdaughter]

I don't think there's any such thing as too late or too soon. I like lived with my husband four years, had told him I'd never marry him. Then one day I looked at him and decided I never wanted to be without him. Did your ex know you were pregnant when he cheated? If so, he is a word ladies don't say. I don't know if you mentioned it, but I hope your daughter has a relationship with her half sibling. To me, that is one of the strongest bonds. Now, about you, forgive me if this is too harsh, but too nice? Honey, and I mean this in the nicest way. But if too nice is a problem, do you think that might be why your ex is a pig. Age wouldn't be an issue if the nice guy really melted your butter. I think you should take a break and see how you feel and how much you miss him. The rest will wir

[Inspire]

He sounds like a nice guy. He might just be a beta. Beta males are often more passive and usually follow the lead of their alpha partners. Is 8-months too soon? I think so. I think you stand more to gain by waiting. Moving in too soon can be a disaster and personally I try to make decisions based on the norm and not the exception.

 

Everything changes when you move in together. Give your relationship time to build and evolve.

 

How long was he married? I have the belief that people tend to behave differently when they're still getting over a past relationship. If they were together for several years or more, then I'd think a year out is still a ways away from moving on fully. It's another reason why I'd suggest waiting before moving in together.

 

If he doesn't have a lot of friends, that isn't necessarily a red flag.

[Foxhall]

Final Word gives good advice on this. don't think I can add anymore.