I was needy, pushy and didn't take things. How do I reconnect with her?

[Judasandfriends]

Hello

 

I dated a girl for a month. We saw each other a lot and messaged a fair bit equally but lately I messaged more than her for few days as she still messaged but was quieter than before. I stupidly also pushed her about being exclusive (maybe the word pushed isn't right as I didn't try to force it - but I definitely affected the natural flow of me and her and tried to rush it). She explained that she had her own issues to deal with but I shouldn't worry and that she still likes me and attracted to me and wouldn't mind that conversation soon.

 

I didn't listen and I messaged a bit more than her and a few days later it made her say she doesn't want to talk or hear from me for a while.

 

I know I was needy and insecure but since then I've focused on myself and gone out with the lads more and focused on me.

 

It's two weeks now since she said that. I was in an area earlier today and it was the same spot where we had a lovely date and where she said she loved that evening. I want to send this:

 

Hi (name), I was just walking past Tower of London with some mates where those Northern Lights were, reminded me of you, how lovely that evening was and the fun we had. Good times. Space and taking things slow is important and I shouldn't of pushed you like I did, both over text and on person, I can see it wasn't cool. Anyway, do you fancy catching up over a coffee sometime?

 

If this is too strong, is there something else I can send? Yes I miss her but I'm also just curious how she's doing in general as she's a lovely person.

 

Thank you

[elaine567]

Trouble is you can blame yourself for being needy, but she cooled off first and your neediness was in response to that. She was already gone before you went needy on her...

 

If someone is interested you can message them all day and all night and they won't complain, if they are not interested a message once a week is too often...

[Redhead14]

My friend, you cannot change overnight or in a couple of weeks. If you were needy, clingy, pushy a few weeks ago, you will continue to be that way even if she responds and you start seeing her again. Beyond that, being this way over a girl you only were seeing for a month is kind of a red flag for women.

 

 

The message you sent was a nice one but do not send another. Wait it out to see if she responds and then see if she will re-engage and don't push having coffee. If she says she wants that after this message, fine. But if she doesn't mention it, leave it be. Re-engage by texting/calling for a little while before meeting up again.

[Simple Logic]

Your mistake is too much texting. Call her on the phone and ask her to go to coffee instead of being a wimp texting apologies and begging forgiveness.

[Judasandfriends]

My friend, you cannot change overnight or in a couple of weeks. If you were needy, clingy, pushy a few weeks ago, you will continue to be that way even if she responds and you start seeing her again. Beyond that, being this way over a girl you only were seeing for a month is kind of a red flag for women.

 

 

The message you sent was a nice one but do not send another. Wait it out to see if she responds and then see if she will re-engage and don't push having coffee. If she says she wants that after this message, fine. But if she doesn't mention it, leave it be. Re-engage by texting/calling for a little while before meeting up again.

 

I'm not 100% sure I will, but if I was, would you recommend just taking out the coffee part? I added it in there because I wanted to end the message on a light note.

[Judasandfriends]

Your mistake is too much texting. Call her on the phone and ask her to go to coffee instead of being a wimp texting apologies and begging forgiveness.

 

So even after two weeks of no messaging you think sending text would be bad compared to a call? I thought that sending a message would be less pressure than calling her, even though I do agree it's less wimpy. If I call her she may not pick up and then she'll never hear what I have to say though.

[Kelliousme]

She was already gone before you went needy on her...

 

If someone is interested you can message them all day and all night and they won't complain, if they are not interested a message once a week is too often...

 

THIS. If you had met the right person and she was interested in you this wouldn't have happened. Don't even try to reconnect with her. It's clear that she's lost interest. Move on

[Redhead14]

I'm not 100% sure I will, but if I was, would you recommend just taking out the coffee part? I added it in there because I wanted to end the message on a light note.

 

 

I really think you should leave it alone. You can't really undo being pushy and needy and texting too much by sending more texts.

 

 

But, if you're determined to do this, leave out the coffee part. Let her answer and see if you can get consistent contact going again. Don't rush seeing her. And, do get out of the texting rut. Make actual phone calls once in a while. It's just so much more personal and engaging and "colorful", etc. Get her re-engaged with a few texts over a couple of days and then ask if you can call her.

[Judasandfriends]

Trouble is you can blame yourself for being needy, but she cooled off first and your neediness was in response to that. She was already gone before you went needy on her...

 

If someone is interested you can message them all day and all night and they won't complain, if they are not interested a message once a week is too often...

 

Hard to believe but she showed more interest in me in terms of what she said and how she acted in person, I just ruined it by messaging too much and not giving her any space to miss me to the point where she probably got tired of it. She thought it was all too much.

[Judasandfriends]

I really think you should leave it alone. You can't really undo being pushy and needy and texting too much by sending more texts.

 

 

But, if you're determined to do this, leave out the coffee part. Let her answer and see if you can get consistent contact going again. Don't rush seeing her. And, do get out of the texting rut. Make actual phone calls once in a while. It's just so much more personal and engaging and "colorful", etc. Get her re-engaged with a few texts over a couple of days and then ask if you can call her.

 

So if I do it, maybe send the above message just without the coffee invitation. Not sure how I should end it?

[Redhead14]

So if I do it, maybe send the above message just without the coffee invitation. Not sure how I should end it?

 

 

"It would be nice to catch up some time soon if you're interested".

 

 

 

This is a tough one, Judas. Send it but don't keep your hopes up.

[preraph]

You've already scared her off and her interest was low even before she got a whiff of all that insecurity and clinginess and desperation. You are barking up the wrong tree and need to just stop and go home.

[Judasandfriends]

You've already scared her off and her interest was low even before she got a whiff of all that insecurity and clinginess and desperation. You are barking up the wrong tree and need to just stop and go home.

 

From what I've said, where did you think she had low interest? Surely there are people out there that want a bit of space from someone because the other is too clingy, but still have interest and needs time to think about what they want? Her best mate told me she was really into me and got jealous when she saw me talking to another girl soon before she said about not talking for some time.

[elaine567]

..but lately I messaged more than her for few days as she still messaged but was quieter than before

 

This is when she lost interest.

[Judasandfriends]

This is when she lost interest.

 

I've never had an experience where interest can go completely in only a couple of days. Didn't know that was possible when the person was showing more interest than me in person :/

[d0nnivain]

You only dated for 1 month. During that time you proved to her that she doesn't care to deal with you. You pushing harder after she cooled off simply cemented the issue in her mind. Sending her anything at this point will only confirm to her that you can't take a hint & go away.

 

The message itself is lovely & romantic. Problem is she doesn't want to receive that from YOU.

[Highndry]

She said she doesn't want to talk to you or hear from you for a while. That means DO NOT contact her. Period. If she wants to hear from you, she will reach out.

[Judasandfriends]

You only dated for 1 month. During that time you proved to her that she doesn't care to deal with you. You pushing harder after she cooled off simply cemented the issue in her mind. Sending her anything at this point will only confirm to her that you can't take a hint & go away.

 

The message itself is lovely & romantic. Problem is she doesn't want to receive that from YOU.

 

I knew her a short while before we started dating, and I know that she's the type of girl that loves cheesy romance and all that stuff.

 

If her minds open, I know she'd like that message. But if her first thought of me upon hearing my name is smothering, pushy and quite forward (even after two weeks of no contact) then it'll be harder for her to be welcoming to at least speaking again. I think it's one of those things that I'll never know unless it's tried, but if I do try it that's another thing.

 

Do you think there's 100% chance sending that message won't do anything?

[Redhead14]

I knew her a short while before we started dating, and I know that she's the type of girl that loves cheesy romance and all that stuff.

 

If her minds open, I know she'd like that message. But if her first thought of me upon hearing my name is smothering, pushy and quite forward (even after two weeks of no contact) then it'll be harder for her to be welcoming to at least speaking again. I think it's one of those things that I'll never know unless it's tried, but if I do try it that's another thing.

 

Do you think there's 100% chance sending that message won't do anything?

 

 

We don't have crystal balls, Judas. We can't know for sure. All we can tell you is that most of the time when a dating partner feels smothered and wants space, especially this early on, it means they don't want to keep seeing the other partner. She may see this text as an intrusion and an indicator that you didn't take her hint to move on and piss her off OR she may be softened up by the time apart and consider re-engaging. We can't know.

[bachdude]

If you send her that text, it will only seal your fate for good.

 

What part of "she doesn't want to talk or hear from me for a while" are you not comprehending?

 

Your only hope is to respect her boundaries, which you didn't the first time around. Sending a romantic mushy text will only show her you have no self control, you are needy, and don't respect her wishes.

 

Trust me on this one, man...let her come to you when, or if, she is ever ready.

 

Otherwise, not a peep out of you!

[Judasandfriends]

If you send her that text, it will only seal your fate for good.

 

What part of "she doesn't want to talk or hear from me for a while" are you not comprehending?

 

Your only hope is to respect her boundaries, which you didn't the first time around. Sending a romantic mushy text will only show her you have no self control, you are needy, and don't respect her wishes.

 

Trust me on this one, man...let her come to you when, or if, she is ever ready.

 

Otherwise, not a peep out of you!

 

How long is a while? Also she never said she'd contact me if she felt like it, or that I couldn't contact her again.

 

A part of me is obviously overthinking and thinking she doesn't want to hear from me again and has 0% attraction or interest in me. But maybe she actually just doesn't want to hear from me for a bit for a few weeks or whatever, rather than til the end of time.

 

After all, there was a time where she was attracted to me to start dating me, saying I was handsome and funny. It's just that in her eyes she saw me as needy or whatever, if she still sees me as that then that's another question.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Did your "dating" for a month include any sex? Were you assertive enough to seduce her, or in your neediness were you trying to flip the dynamic and get HER to initiate sex with you?

 

In the couple of years I was swinging with my ex-husband, I would say that MOST of the guys I had encounters with were more on the needy/beta side of things, and there were a few I totally would have had sex with - except that they seemed to want to play me like a video game, where they input the correct text and choose the correct menu options, and expect that sex will just happen to them if they get it right.

 

As soon as I recognize that this is happening, it's an INSTANT turn-off. Because a guy who tries to verbally/textually "unlock" the "next level" of a relationship or encounter (whether it's sex, or exclusivity, whatever) is REALLY just foisting all of the actual work onto me. They're digging with words for some assurance or guarantee from me that they've got it in the bag. They're looking for ME to remove all of the risk from the situation for them before they're willing to take any action, physically escalate, etc.

 

This sort of behavior can kill attraction not just in a matter of days, but in a matter of SECONDS.

[Judasandfriends]

Did your "dating" for a month include any sex? Were you assertive enough to seduce her, or in your neediness were you trying to flip the dynamic and get HER to initiate sex with you?

 

In the couple of years I was swinging with my ex-husband, I would say that MOST of the guys I had encounters with were more on the needy/beta side of things, and there were a few I totally would have had sex with - except that they seemed to want to play me like a video game, where they input the correct text and choose the correct menu options, and expect that sex will just happen to them if they get it right.

 

As soon as I recognize that this is happening, it's an INSTANT turn-off. Because a guy who tries to verbally/textually "unlock" the "next level" of a relationship or encounter (whether it's sex, or exclusivity, whatever) is REALLY just foisting all of the actual work onto me. They're digging with words for some assurance or guarantee from me that they've got it in the bag. They're looking for ME to remove all of the risk from the situation for them before they're willing to take any action, physically escalate, etc.

 

This sort of behavior can kill attraction not just in a matter of days, but in a matter of SECONDS.

 

We were talking about sex one time, and it turns out I'm vastly more experienced than her. She brought up the conversation early and I remember reading the message but not replying for a few hours which she then messaged again saying sorry if she made me feel comfortable. I waved it away saying g I'm fine talking out it, that I was just too busy to reply (how ironic do I sound now for messaging her a few times if she didn't reply).

 

Anyway she came over mine spontaneously after a date in central London. We made out for a bit. She then said that she doesn't like getting too physical (sex) with someone til she's known them for a while. We watched a film but there was a lot of dry humping when we spooned. I started to tease her but she said to stop as it's toot emoting so I did. She then started teasing me and eventually it lead to foreplay but no sex. She mentioned next time if I was lucky I'd get a bit more than just foreplay haha.

 

When I was actually thinking about things, I was confident and flirty on text (and really confident in person), but towards the end of the month I would act needy and message her if she didn't reply after like an hour (she was replying as normal as she was before). But soon after I started the behaviour, she pulled back and I chased and chased up to the point where I'm at now (well, two weeks ago as we haven't spoke since two weeks ago).

 

We were with friends and she spoke about exclusivity and I wanted to talk about it there and then, like pull her aside and chat, but she wanted to do it when we were next alone on a date, but I asked like twice more that day there and then about it and sensed she was uncomfortable so I stopped.

 

Sorry for such a long-winded answer!

Edited April 18, 2019 by Judasandfriends

[bachdude]

How long is a while? Also she never said she'd contact me if she felt like it, or that I couldn't contact her again.

 

A part of me is obviously overthinking and thinking she doesn't want to hear from me again and has 0% attraction or interest in me. But maybe she actually just doesn't want to hear from me for a bit for a few weeks or whatever, rather than til the end of time.

 

After all, there was a time where she was attracted to me to start dating me, saying I was handsome and funny. It's just that in her eyes she saw me as needy or whatever, if she still sees me as that then that's another question.

 

'A while' is until she decides to contact you and not a moment earlier.

 

She was the one who told you to not contact her so she should be the one to decide when she wants to talk again. Let her initiate. Believe me, she will contact you if she is interested.

 

You need to show her you have the confidence and self esteem to just let her be. She was smothered and you were needy - actually, a couple of the biggest turn offs for women - so you need to allow her the chance to miss you. Let her memory start to think again of the fun times you had. If you cave in and don't, it will confirm for her that you are needy and you will be gone for good.

 

It may take weeks, months or you may never hear from her again. Decide in your own mind how long you are willing to wait. After that point, just move on and start dating again while not making the same mistake or it will happen all over again.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Hmmmmm.

 

Well, call me cynical, but with the addition of THAT information, I'm inclined to think that she's just teasing you, while actually sleeping with other men.

 

I wouldn't send her a romantic text. I'd send something like "I'm feeling lucky, come over to my place at X o'clock."

 

Although my gut is telling me that even if you have sex with her, it's unlikely she'll actually commit to an exclusive relationship. I think she was using that angle to manipulate the power dynamic, not because she's actually interested in an exclusive relationship with you - hence the back-pedaling. Seems to me like she was hoping to get you "on the hook" so to speak, without making much of an investment herself, and this backfired when you were immediately willing to entertain the notion. She wanted you around as a steady OPTION and source of attention and validation, but doesn't want to eliminate her other options to get that.

 

Like I said, that's a pretty cynical take on it - and it could certainly be wrong. But if she was the one who brought up exclusivity, while dangling the possibility of sex like a carrot, I think it's worth considering that maybe what happened is that she realized that SHE botched it and now hasn't left herself a way to get whatever it is she wants from you without making a commitment that she doesn't genuinely want to make.