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Sexual Incompatibility


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We're dating for a year, I'm 32 she's 23. I always initiate sex, she never does and I feel unwanted, never send me dirty texts or nudes, I don't feel sexually desired. I'm not ugly, I take care of myself, we talked about this, she said I'm faster to initiate. I asked her if she was cheating on me and having sex with other guys, she was upset and we almost had a fight.

 

But what in a world would I think? She never initiates! Everytime we have sex it feels like a chore, I'm tired of having a higher sex drive than hers. We talked about this a thousand times, she said I'm always complaining about her and she asked why I'm with her, because she's trying to please in every way but I'm too demanding and never satisfied with us.

 

Other issue, worst. She doesn't orgasm, I feel like a loser! I stopped talking about orgasm because I gave up. First time we discussed this I asked her if she had orgasm before, she said she had once with a guy in the past! I freaked out! We have sex, she's horny, she feels pleasure, always wet, I'not a bad lover because I do a lot of foreplay, oral, masturbate her, use sex toys, vanilla sex, rough sex, etc.

 

My girlfriend is on the pill, I know BC pills can affect her sex drive, my ex girlfriends had orgasm and I never felt like this loser before, even though some of them had a lower libido than me too.

 

I dont know what to do anymore, I'm thinking about breaking up. This month is my birthday and I'm feeling so sad about my relationship. I love her but all of this mess with my self esteem and makes me feel insecure. I'm thinking about don't initiate anymore to see what happens, if she does nothing i'm done, I dump her! I even think about cheating on her thinking she's doind it too! Do you guys think she's cheating on me?

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CollegeKid101
We're dating for a year, I'm 32 she's 23. I always initiate sex, she never does and I feel unwanted, never send me dirty texts or nudes, I don't feel sexually desired. I'm not ugly, I take care of myself, we talked about this, she said I'm faster to initiate. I asked her if she was cheating on me and having sex with other guys, she was upset and we almost had a fight.

 

But what in a world would I think? She never initiates! Everytime we have sex it feels like a chore, I'm tired of having a higher sex drive than hers. We talked about this a thousand times, she said I'm always complaining about her and she asked why I'm with her, because she's trying to please in every way but I'm too demanding and never satisfied with us.

 

Other issue, worst. She doesn't orgasm, I feel like a loser! I stopped talking about orgasm because I gave up. First time we discussed this I asked her if she had orgasm before, she said she had once with a guy in the past! I freaked out! We have sex, she's horny, she feels pleasure, always wet, I'not a bad lover because I do a lot of foreplay, oral, masturbate her, use sex toys, vanilla sex, rough sex, etc.

 

My girlfriend is on the pill, I know BC pills can affect her sex drive, my ex girlfriends had orgasm and I never felt like this loser before, even though some of them had a lower libido than me too.

 

I dont know what to do anymore, I'm thinking about breaking up. This month is my birthday and I'm feeling so sad about my relationship. I love her but all of this mess with my self esteem and makes me feel insecure. I'm thinking about don't initiate anymore to see what happens, if she does nothing i'm done, I dump her! I even think about cheating on her thinking she's doind it too! Do you guys think she's cheating on me?

 

This is up to you. If it is a deal breaker, break it off. She's probably not cheating if everything else is normal. However, even if she is, don't cheat on her..just end it man. Don't be a loser by cheating.

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No, I don't think she's cheating on you. But she was right that you're not satisfied with her, so it's probably best to move on so you can each find people that do make you happy.

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I can't believe you expect every woman to send you dirty pics and texts. Ugh. That is not something most women should be doing if they have a lick of sense.

 

Lots of women do not initiate. If you feel like a loser, better look inward. Sounds like you place way too high a priority on sex and that your whole self-esteem is tied to whether a woman pretends to be desperate for sex with you.

And I'm hearing nothing else that you look for in a woman except if she does sex a certain way that props you up.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

So because she has a lower desire for sex than you do, she's wrong and you're right? Your entire post is about you, you, you.....your "needs" and your "desires."

 

To answer your question, no, I do not think she is cheating on you. She just doesn't want to have sex with you all that much. And from what you've revealed about yourself in your post, I really can't blame her.

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I can't believe in this day and age of revenge porn you feel you're entitled to nudes and sexting. Does it not occur to you that this may be more about keeping herself safe than being about you?

 

Her lack of having an orgasm is not about you. And if you've got a high sex drive, it's probably true that you always initiate before she gets a chance. Yes, you could take a break from initiating, but be aware she might enjoy a small break if her drive is lower than yours - so don't go nuts if she doesn't initiate for a week. Also, a high self esteem person will acknowledge the difference and decide what to do without doubting themselves. It's wrong of you to blame your low self esteem on her behaviour.

 

And no, you've said nothing to make me think she's cheating. Is she secretive with her phone? Does she have periods of time which are unaccounted for?

Edited by basil67
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Lotsgoingon

Hmmm ... I'm wondering if underneath all of your upset ... is a feeling that isn't all that physically attracted to you.

 

Key point: you don't comment on the "quality" of the sex, the depth of the connection and passion you feel when having sex with her.

 

My guess: there is something missing when you do have sex. If that's the case then frequency of sex ... or imbalance in initiation of sex ... aren't the issues.

 

The issue is that there is some missing connection and passion between you two. I think she likes you ... likes you a lot ... but for whatever reason ... she isn't hotly turned on by you. Talking about this issue will not solve anything.

 

Definitely lay back ... but get control of your anger. She didn't cheat on you that you know of. She doesn't "owe" you sex ... Your anger is a sign that you are not doing your job of evaluating whether a partner is giving you what you want and acting on that evaluation.

 

You can't guilt and shame her into sex ... in fact, if anything you want to go the other way and express some real curiosity about what she's feeling and not feeling.

 

Drop the anger and own up to the feeling of rejection or the simple feeling of not being satisfied.

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You do sound rather incompatible - she seems to have good judgment and maturity while you sound like a horny teenager.

 

It is difficult to imagine that a grown man could be upset because a woman refuses to send nude photos. It is not a wise idea to send nude photos to a man or take videos that can then be shared online without her consent. She is a smart woman not to do this.

 

As for the fact that she has not had an orgasm with you - not all women are able to orgasm easily during sex, especially young women. As has been said already, the fact that she has no had an orgasm during sex is about her - not you.

 

In other words, it’s not all about you. You need to grow up and quit being such a drama king! ;)

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Guilt tripping is not how you fix relationship issues. You do that with compassion and mutual respect and if there's no way to come to an agreement, you let each other go. I can't believe you're 32 and putting all this blame on her for not catering to your needs. You don't get to make demands and guilt trip your partner - you simply get a partner who already is compatible or you talk it out respectfully and see if there's a common ground.

You don't trust her, she isn't enough, you make it her responsibility to orgasm so you don't feel a loser... what a great relationship. Do dump her please

Oh and I was stupid enough to send an ex nudes when I was younger. Had so much anxiety about that later on. OP you seem like the vengeful type with all that talk about "cheating back" so the girl is really smart for not sending you nudes. Hope she is smart enough to leave you

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You do sound rather incompatible - she seems to have good judgment and maturity while you sound like a horny teenager.

 

It is difficult to imagine that a grown man could be upset because a woman refuses to send nude photos. It is not a wise idea to send nude photos to a man or take videos that can then be shared online without her consent. She is a smart woman not to do this.

 

As for the fact that she has not had an orgasm with you - not all women are able to orgasm easily during sex, especially young women. As has been said already, the fact that she has no had an orgasm during sex is about her - not you.

 

In other words, it’s not all about you. You need to grow up and quit being such a drama king! ;)

 

I agree, he sounds like a teenage boy which is shocking for a man in his 30s.

 

Edit: Okay I read your past threads. You are an extremely insecure man. You need to be on your own to work on your issues without dragging this young woman down with you.

 

You are an older man and it is not fair. I am surprised she is still with you, based on your previous posting history.

Edited by damni
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OP, get yourself a woman in her 30s. Womens sex drives soar after age 30. I never really wanted much sex in my 20s and admit just did it for my bf. After the age of 30 I became a horn dog.

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I cannot believe you would lay all of your insecure s@#$ on her as if it's her fault. She's dating a teenager here. Oy

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- You need to work on your insecurities. It's not normal to read "cheating" into everything.

- Is she on the pill strictly for contraception or is it for medical reasons? If strictly for contraception, try switching to condoms and see. The pill can definitely affect libido/orgasm ability for some women.

- H and I have never sent nudes to each other, and in fact we will not do recording of any kind. Not just due to revenge porn (we obviously trust each other), but because leaks are actually quite common. And trust me, I know this stuff - I work in the tech industry.

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RecentChange

Ugh....

 

Just repeating what many other posters have said....

 

I don't know why you would jump to "cheating" because she doesn't appear to really enjoy sex with you.... I guess she made the mistake of being honest and saying she had orgasmed in the past, because hearing the truth made you "freak out"?

 

She's 23... If she was a bit more mature I would say that she should be taking the lead in showing you how to make her cum, because apparently what you are doing is not working. But she is 23, she has been doing this adult thing for just a few years - and she may not feel comfortable taking the lead like that. Especially as you have proven to be insecure about the whole thing.

 

What is she into? What type of sex with you does she enjoy most? How close and intimate is your relationship? Can you both be vulnerable and honest with each other?

 

Honestly I say "dump her" (your words). I don't see this developing into some life long passion. The purpose of dating is to see if you are compatible. Apparently you two are not.

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RecentChange

Yikes, just skimmed the titles of your thread history.

 

You think she is a gold digger, flirts with other guys, wears clothes that are too sexy, so on and so forth.

 

Do both of you a favor and break up.

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Yikes, just skimmed the titles of your thread history.

 

You think she is a gold digger, flirts with other guys, wears clothes that are too sexy, so on and so forth.

 

Do both of you a favor and break up.

 

 

I think he was drawn to her because she appeared to be a "slut" and, therefore, would be indiscriminate and generous about sex with him. The problem is that she really is a gold-digger and is using him but isn't very attracted to him and doesn't want to have sex with him but will do it even if it's a chore in order to get/keep whatever she is getting from him.

 

The fact is that a woman or a man can't really pretend to enjoy sex with someone they aren't attracted to very often or forever.

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Haven't read OPs other posts. Among everyone blaming OP, it seems like he is taking a fair effort to please her. Her never having orgasm is a huge red flag. Looks like she is not attracted to him. Age gap is also too big and this is only the beginning. You two are sexually incompatible OP, so let her go.

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Haven't read OPs other posts. Among everyone blaming OP, it seems like he is taking a fair effort to please her. Her never having orgasm is a huge red flag. Looks like she is not attracted to him. Age gap is also too big and this is only the beginning. You two are sexually incompatible OP, so let her go.

 

A 23 y o not having an orgasm is not a red flag. A lot of women start having regular orgasms only after pregnancy or after hitting her 30's. Also, it's not very attractive when a man is so insecure about her not having an O. That alone is enough to never be able to reach it, especially for someone so young. Young women usually take time to get to know their body and mind (because mental stimulation is important too... and being nervous about your guy feeling like a loser cause your body doesn't work the way he wants it to doesn't help her)

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Like many young women do, she is having sex to please you and not for her own pleasure and enjoyment.

She follows your lead, as she has no real idea of what she really wants sexually.

She doesn't orgasm as she never really gets that turned on, she is too busy trying to make it good for you...

I'not a bad lover because I do a lot of foreplay, oral, masturbate her, use sex toys, vanilla sex, rough sex, etc.

Calm down.

She is not a sex toy, try making love to her instead...

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Haven't read OPs other posts. Among everyone blaming OP, it seems like he is taking a fair effort to please her. Her never having orgasm is a huge red flag. Looks like she is not attracted to him. Age gap is also too big and this is only the beginning. You two are sexually incompatible OP, so let her go.

 

 

Some women just have difficulty orgasming with a partner.

 

 

I agree with you re: the age gap and incompatibility, but that's not really her fault.

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Like many young women do, she is having sex to please you and not for her own pleasure and enjoyment.

She follows your lead, as she has no real idea of what she really wants sexually.

She doesn't orgasm as she never really gets that turned on, she is too busy trying to make it good for you...

 

Calm down.

She is not a sex toy, try making love to her instead...

 

Oh, he doesn't even know what that is. He'll go to some YouTube and try to find out now so he can scam her.

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Dude to be honest, you sound like the young insecure one in this scenario. It doesn't sound like you're coming from a place of wanting to be desired. But more from a place of needing constant affirmation.

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healing light

Many women do not climax vaginally and need to be in the right mental space in order to orgasm even with clitoral stimulation. Placing a huge amount of pressure on her to orgasm is only going to delay it further. Your insecurities are making this about you which will be internalized by her and make it worse. Orgasm is not the end all be all--why don't you just try being in the moment and enjoying the sex and connection you do have?

 

You need to relax around this no matter what woman you're with.

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newyorker11356
I can't believe you expect every woman to send you dirty pics and texts. Ugh. That is not something most women should be doing if they have a lick of sense.

 

 

Nothing wrong with it if that's what BOTH people in the relationship want to do.

 

She clearly doesn't want to, so the OP should move on at this point.

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