LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

Sexual Incompatibility


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Like Tree41Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 15th April 2019, 4:40 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 93
Sexual Incompatibility

We're dating for a year, I'm 32 she's 23. I always initiate sex, she never does and I feel unwanted, never send me dirty texts or nudes, I don't feel sexually desired. I'm not ugly, I take care of myself, we talked about this, she said I'm faster to initiate. I asked her if she was cheating on me and having sex with other guys, she was upset and we almost had a fight.

But what in a world would I think? She never initiates! Everytime we have sex it feels like a chore, I'm tired of having a higher sex drive than hers. We talked about this a thousand times, she said I'm always complaining about her and she asked why I'm with her, because she's trying to please in every way but I'm too demanding and never satisfied with us.

Other issue, worst. She doesn't orgasm, I feel like a loser! I stopped talking about orgasm because I gave up. First time we discussed this I asked her if she had orgasm before, she said she had once with a guy in the past! I freaked out! We have sex, she's horny, she feels pleasure, always wet, I'not a bad lover because I do a lot of foreplay, oral, masturbate her, use sex toys, vanilla sex, rough sex, etc.

My girlfriend is on the pill, I know BC pills can affect her sex drive, my ex girlfriends had orgasm and I never felt like this loser before, even though some of them had a lower libido than me too.

I dont know what to do anymore, I'm thinking about breaking up. This month is my birthday and I'm feeling so sad about my relationship. I love her but all of this mess with my self esteem and makes me feel insecure. I'm thinking about don't initiate anymore to see what happens, if she does nothing i'm done, I dump her! I even think about cheating on her thinking she's doind it too! Do you guys think she's cheating on me?
js_77 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 4:54 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by js_77 View Post
We're dating for a year, I'm 32 she's 23. I always initiate sex, she never does and I feel unwanted, never send me dirty texts or nudes, I don't feel sexually desired. I'm not ugly, I take care of myself, we talked about this, she said I'm faster to initiate. I asked her if she was cheating on me and having sex with other guys, she was upset and we almost had a fight.

But what in a world would I think? She never initiates! Everytime we have sex it feels like a chore, I'm tired of having a higher sex drive than hers. We talked about this a thousand times, she said I'm always complaining about her and she asked why I'm with her, because she's trying to please in every way but I'm too demanding and never satisfied with us.

Other issue, worst. She doesn't orgasm, I feel like a loser! I stopped talking about orgasm because I gave up. First time we discussed this I asked her if she had orgasm before, she said she had once with a guy in the past! I freaked out! We have sex, she's horny, she feels pleasure, always wet, I'not a bad lover because I do a lot of foreplay, oral, masturbate her, use sex toys, vanilla sex, rough sex, etc.

My girlfriend is on the pill, I know BC pills can affect her sex drive, my ex girlfriends had orgasm and I never felt like this loser before, even though some of them had a lower libido than me too.

I dont know what to do anymore, I'm thinking about breaking up. This month is my birthday and I'm feeling so sad about my relationship. I love her but all of this mess with my self esteem and makes me feel insecure. I'm thinking about don't initiate anymore to see what happens, if she does nothing i'm done, I dump her! I even think about cheating on her thinking she's doind it too! Do you guys think she's cheating on me?
This is up to you. If it is a deal breaker, break it off. She's probably not cheating if everything else is normal. However, even if she is, don't cheat on her..just end it man. Don't be a loser by cheating.
CollegeKid101 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 4:54 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 718
No, I don't think she's cheating on you. But she was right that you're not satisfied with her, so it's probably best to move on so you can each find people that do make you happy.
Tamfana is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 4:58 PM   #4
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 25,963
I can't believe you expect every woman to send you dirty pics and texts. Ugh. That is not something most women should be doing if they have a lick of sense.

Lots of women do not initiate. If you feel like a loser, better look inward. Sounds like you place way too high a priority on sex and that your whole self-esteem is tied to whether a woman pretends to be desperate for sex with you.
And I'm hearing nothing else that you look for in a woman except if she does sex a certain way that props you up.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 5:30 PM   #5
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 6,781
So because she has a lower desire for sex than you do, she's wrong and you're right? Your entire post is about you, you, you.....your "needs" and your "desires."

To answer your question, no, I do not think she is cheating on you. She just doesn't want to have sex with you all that much. And from what you've revealed about yourself in your post, I really can't blame her.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 6:18 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 13,118
I can't believe in this day and age of revenge porn you feel you're entitled to nudes and sexting. Does it not occur to you that this may be more about keeping herself safe than being about you?

Her lack of having an orgasm is not about you. And if you've got a high sex drive, it's probably true that you always initiate before she gets a chance. Yes, you could take a break from initiating, but be aware she might enjoy a small break if her drive is lower than yours - so don't go nuts if she doesn't initiate for a week. Also, a high self esteem person will acknowledge the difference and decide what to do without doubting themselves. It's wrong of you to blame your low self esteem on her behaviour.

And no, you've said nothing to make me think she's cheating. Is she secretive with her phone? Does she have periods of time which are unaccounted for?

Last edited by basil67; 15th April 2019 at 6:26 PM..
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 8:26 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,785
Hmmm ... I'm wondering if underneath all of your upset ... is a feeling that isn't all that physically attracted to you.

Key point: you don't comment on the "quality" of the sex, the depth of the connection and passion you feel when having sex with her.

My guess: there is something missing when you do have sex. If that's the case then frequency of sex ... or imbalance in initiation of sex ... aren't the issues.

The issue is that there is some missing connection and passion between you two. I think she likes you ... likes you a lot ... but for whatever reason ... she isn't hotly turned on by you. Talking about this issue will not solve anything.

Definitely lay back ... but get control of your anger. She didn't cheat on you that you know of. She doesn't "owe" you sex ... Your anger is a sign that you are not doing your job of evaluating whether a partner is giving you what you want and acting on that evaluation.

You can't guilt and shame her into sex ... in fact, if anything you want to go the other way and express some real curiosity about what she's feeling and not feeling.

Drop the anger and own up to the feeling of rejection or the simple feeling of not being satisfied.
Lotsgoingon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 8:59 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 9,438
You do sound rather incompatible - she seems to have good judgment and maturity while you sound like a horny teenager.

It is difficult to imagine that a grown man could be upset because a woman refuses to send nude photos. It is not a wise idea to send nude photos to a man or take videos that can then be shared online without her consent. She is a smart woman not to do this.

As for the fact that she has not had an orgasm with you - not all women are able to orgasm easily during sex, especially young women. As has been said already, the fact that she has no had an orgasm during sex is about her - not you.

In other words, it’s not all about you. You need to grow up and quit being such a drama king!
__________________
If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th April 2019, 2:37 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,822
Guilt tripping is not how you fix relationship issues. You do that with compassion and mutual respect and if there's no way to come to an agreement, you let each other go. I can't believe you're 32 and putting all this blame on her for not catering to your needs. You don't get to make demands and guilt trip your partner - you simply get a partner who already is compatible or you talk it out respectfully and see if there's a common ground.
You don't trust her, she isn't enough, you make it her responsibility to orgasm so you don't feel a loser... what a great relationship. Do dump her please
Oh and I was stupid enough to send an ex nudes when I was younger. Had so much anxiety about that later on. OP you seem like the vengeful type with all that talk about "cheating back" so the girl is really smart for not sending you nudes. Hope she is smart enough to leave you
Lorenza is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th April 2019, 2:40 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
You do sound rather incompatible - she seems to have good judgment and maturity while you sound like a horny teenager.

It is difficult to imagine that a grown man could be upset because a woman refuses to send nude photos. It is not a wise idea to send nude photos to a man or take videos that can then be shared online without her consent. She is a smart woman not to do this.

As for the fact that she has not had an orgasm with you - not all women are able to orgasm easily during sex, especially young women. As has been said already, the fact that she has no had an orgasm during sex is about her - not you.

In other words, it’s not all about you. You need to grow up and quit being such a drama king!
I agree, he sounds like a teenage boy which is shocking for a man in his 30s.

Edit: Okay I read your past threads. You are an extremely insecure man. You need to be on your own to work on your issues without dragging this young woman down with you.

You are an older man and it is not fair. I am surprised she is still with you, based on your previous posting history.

Last edited by damni; 16th April 2019 at 2:44 AM..
damni is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th April 2019, 9:10 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 17,970
OP, get yourself a woman in her 30s. Womens sex drives soar after age 30. I never really wanted much sex in my 20s and admit just did it for my bf. After the age of 30 I became a horn dog.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th April 2019, 10:02 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 944
I cannot believe you would lay all of your insecure s@#$ on her as if it's her fault. She's dating a teenager here. Oy
bachdude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th April 2019, 12:11 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 27,701
- You need to work on your insecurities. It's not normal to read "cheating" into everything.
- Is she on the pill strictly for contraception or is it for medical reasons? If strictly for contraception, try switching to condoms and see. The pill can definitely affect libido/orgasm ability for some women.
- H and I have never sent nudes to each other, and in fact we will not do recording of any kind. Not just due to revenge porn (we obviously trust each other), but because leaks are actually quite common. And trust me, I know this stuff - I work in the tech industry.
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th April 2019, 3:33 PM   #14
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 5,216
Ugh....

Just repeating what many other posters have said....

I don't know why you would jump to "cheating" because she doesn't appear to really enjoy sex with you.... I guess she made the mistake of being honest and saying she had orgasmed in the past, because hearing the truth made you "freak out"?

She's 23... If she was a bit more mature I would say that she should be taking the lead in showing you how to make her cum, because apparently what you are doing is not working. But she is 23, she has been doing this adult thing for just a few years - and she may not feel comfortable taking the lead like that. Especially as you have proven to be insecure about the whole thing.

What is she into? What type of sex with you does she enjoy most? How close and intimate is your relationship? Can you both be vulnerable and honest with each other?

Honestly I say "dump her" (your words). I don't see this developing into some life long passion. The purpose of dating is to see if you are compatible. Apparently you two are not.
__________________
Sorry for all of the typos! On a cell phone that thinks it is smarter than me
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th April 2019, 3:36 PM   #15
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 5,216
Yikes, just skimmed the titles of your thread history.

You think she is a gold digger, flirts with other guys, wears clothes that are too sexy, so on and so forth.

Do both of you a favor and break up.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Sexual incompatibility = lost love? havocser Dating 8 22nd November 2014 11:40 PM
dumped because of sexual incompatibility youngskywalker Dating 30 15th June 2011 12:56 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:09 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.