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Dating separated man with kids


Angelavictoria

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Angelavictoria

I’ve been in turmoil in my relationship for awhile and I need to make majors decisions soon. I’ll make this long story short with key points.

 

I am a 30 year old attractive woman, childless and never been married - I live in New York City, Work an average 9-5 desk job (I’m working to further my career atm), I have no debt, I am looking to find the one and build a life together such as marriage, buying a home, travelling and maybe a kid in the late future. I am not naturally a motherly person, and I am just neutral to kids.

 

Him: He is an attractive 40 year old man, he’s highly intelligent business man with his own company. He has 3 young kids under 10, separated for 2 years (divorcing soon) they’ve been married for 15 years from a young age. His ex moved on with her life and they are amicable to Florida with her new bf and took all the kids with her as she wanted them to grow up in that part of the city. So he’s been kinda grieving and depressed over that initially in our relationship and throughout as well.

 

The relationship: We been dating for almost a year now, I get 100 percent all his time since his family moved. It’s been Loving, supportive, chemistry, passion, sexual compatibility, personalities, committed, attraction, fun, humour - seems like we have most of the fundamentals.

 

Issues: though our relationship embodies the fundamentals, there are bigger and deeper issues at hand as we are both on two different stages in our lives that we are trying to work through. Initially, these were deal breakers and red flags a person with this much baggage, but I chose to ignore them as I was highly attracted to him and wanted a bit of fun and I really didn’t think he would fall for me. That didnt go accordingly as planned and we naturally spent everyday together and happened to get along so well, everything was aligned-I guess you cannot control who you really fall for. Now things are becoming reality, I stood by him through the darkest lowest days especially in such an early stage - I found myself compassionate but conflicting as well to my own needs and wants, things are complex and complicated.

 

He has a lot of responsibilities such as paying for spousal and child support, his lifestyle here and debt. I find myself also compromising and sacrificing holidays and summer holidays as he needs to fly to Florida for his family- and I wonder if this is going to be the future. He told me that he doesn’t want anymore kids.. Though I have mixed feelings of having a kid and unsure, I felt that opportunity would be robbed from me. As he is successful, and from his ex taking so much from him financially, he also said he would maybe possibly remarry or be open to that some day...All of this is unsettling to hear, no woman would be delighted to hear this, so it doesn’t sit well. I wanted to build a future with him. We chat about our future and he reassures me that his situation will get better, once he makes more $ and we have to plan. Also, I come from a very traditional family, I am korean, so my family will never ever accept this.

 

I know the answers seem really clear, but its very hard to just walk away when im emotionally invested. . Is this love not worth it, no matter how great it is? I feel depressed for being old and that the dating market is limiting, I have a lot of options as I am attractive but I ended up choosing him out of everyone. Can this be worked on... or will this get worse and I will have built up resentment ?

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oceanblue12

This does not seem like a good situation long term for you especially if end up deciding that you want a family of your own. If you are ok with being a step

mother then you should be ok. It seems like he is at least up front with you which is always a plus.

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The thing that doesn't seem to trouble you is what troubles me the most. What kind of man doesn't care if his wife takes the kids and moves a couple thousand miles away? What kind of father is that? You do realize it was within his power to stop her by going to the court. Each state has allowances for how far away you can more the kids from the ex, and that amount is usually no more than 90 minutes away, or within quick driving distance. So he just LET her take his kids when he could have and most men would have shared custody of the children and stayed in the same area. He could very well decide to move to Florida at some point if he is any kind of father at all. His kids are still young. They need their dad!

 

So he wouldn't be my first choice to have kids with to begin with. And he's not divorced yet. That will always be a pain to go through with a man.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Since when is 30 old?

 

Dating someone with little ones isn't for the weak! You probably have it very easy compared to most since they are several hundred miles away, but if you want to always be someone's 100% priority, a single dad isn't your ideal mate.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
The thing that doesn't seem to trouble you is what troubles me the most. What kind of man doesn't care if his wife takes the kids and moves a couple thousand miles away?

 

I thought the same thing. Maybe he has a private plane.

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Maybe, he didn't have much of a choice (for them to move).

 

He could have stopped the wife from doing this.

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you want to be mother to three young kids who belong to another woman? looks like the guy you're dating is looking for a sucker to help raise those three offspring of his

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End it. It’s not a good match AND your family won’t approve.

 

That way you can find a man who doesn’t have so much baggage!

 

The fact that he isn’t with his very young kids at least every week is a BIG red flag!

 

He should move there! Hesan absent Dad! That’s terrible for any child!

 

Your future plans and his are not at all aligned. Just end it!

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CautiouslyOptimistic
you want to be mother to three young kids who belong to another woman? looks like the guy you're dating is looking for a sucker to help raise those three offspring of his

 

HELP raise? He isn't even raising them at all. He lives several states away.

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Maybe, he didn't have much of a choice (for them to move).

 

Not true. Every state has rules about that. You are not allowed to move the kids away from the ex. It has to be within a certain short distance. So she had his permission. He gave up his kids.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I don't know that saying "he gave up his kids" is the right terminology. He didn't sign over his rights. He just probably gave his permission for them to move so far away. I know two men who have done this. One was a remarriage/military situation, and the other....not really sure other than the dad/husband had an affair travels all around the world extensively for his job, so he may have realized it was best for the kids (and he probably has a ton of FF miles to go see them).

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30 is not anywhere near old, you already know you have other choices as far as men go.

 

If you have issues with his situation now, they will only intensify as you get more and more involved.

 

You have almost one year of emotional involvement - ending it will only get harder as time goes on.

 

It seems your choice is clear - difficult, but clear.

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Not true. Every state has rules about that. You are not allowed to move the kids away from the ex. It has to be within a certain short distance. So she had his permission. He gave up his kids.

 

And what kind of parent does that?

 

 

Why did he say they divorced?

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Angelavictoria
The thing that doesn't seem to trouble you is what troubles me the most. What kind of man doesn't care if his wife takes the kids and moves a couple thousand miles away? What kind of father is that? You do realize it was within his power to stop her by going to the court. Each state has allowances for how far away you can more the kids from the ex, and that amount is usually no more than 90 minutes away, or within quick driving distance. So he just LET her take his kids when he could have and most men would have shared custody of the children and stayed in the same area. He could very well decide to move to Florida at some point if he is any kind of father at all. His kids are still young. They need their dad!

 

So he wouldn't be my first choice to have kids with to begin with. And he's not divorced yet. That will always be a pain to go through with a man.

 

Its not that he didnt care at all. She was miserable and hated New York and always wanted somewhere hot and where her family was from. She wanted to raise them there with her new man. He didnt fight hard enough as he thought he was doing something good for them since she was miserable... and now he deeply regrets it and wishes he fought more...

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Angelavictoria
I thought the same thing. Maybe he has a private plane.

 

Ideally he wanted to fly in and out from time to time to see them, and talk to them on the phone. The ex was miserable in the city and wanted to be closer to family in florida. so she wanted to raise them there with her new bf and family support around. he was sad and wanted to please everyone and thought he could make it work by going there ever other month. however, that hasnt happened of course due to finances...as he does have a lot of things to pay for. he is paying her x amount of money every month already, on top of his lifestyle here and debt.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

He made a very, very poor decision in allowing them to move to Florida. But, it honestly sounds like his ex doesn't think he was even a very good father to begin with if she was so willing to get all the kids away from him with the "new daddy," hardly ever getting to see their bio dad.

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Its not that he didnt care at all. She was miserable and hated New York and always wanted somewhere hot and where her family was from. She wanted to raise them there with her new man. He didnt fight hard enough as he thought he was doing something good for them since she was miserable... and now he deeply regrets it and wishes he fought more...

 

I am sorry but that is no excuse. He let his children go. He deep down was properly relieved to be spared that responsibility of raising children and letting it impact on his lifestyle.

 

He can not even be bothered to see them once every two months based on what you said! That is not a devoted father, money is no object to a man who wants to see his kids.

 

You may think you are.special but you are not. This is a deeply flawed and selfish man.

 

He does not want more children as he cannot bother with the ones he already has. If he has one with you, don't expect him to suddenly change and become this amazing, loyal man.

 

He cannot even be loyal to his own children. That says everything.

 

You are only 30, there are many men your age who are single and childless. Why are you so desperate to go with an older man like him? Man with debts and three kids he cannot bother to see?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

He can not even be bothered to see them once every two months based on what you said! That is not a devoted father, money is no object to a man who wants to see his kids.

 

Agree. Let's turn the tables and pretend it's a mother and not a father doing this. What would we think of the mother? Why is a father given these excuses?

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Ideally he wanted to fly in and out from time to time to see them, and talk to them on the phone. The ex was miserable in the city and wanted to be closer to family in florida. so she wanted to raise them there with her new bf and family support around. he was sad and wanted to please everyone and thought he could make it work by going there ever other month. however, that hasnt happened of course due to finances...as he does have a lot of things to pay for. he is paying her x amount of money every month already, on top of his lifestyle here and debt.

 

That’s not a decent Father.

 

Please do not keep dating him. You want different goals and he SHOULD BE with his kids no matter what!

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Angelavictoria
He made a very, very poor decision in allowing them to move to Florida. But, it honestly sounds like his ex doesn't think he was even a very good father to begin with if she was so willing to get all the kids away from him with the "new daddy," hardly ever getting to see their bio dad.

 

 

Yes, you are correct, and he sees that. and deeply regrets it.. and said shouldve fought for it. They married really young for a long long time and they just couldnt stand eahc other.. anyways.. we had serious chat where he was upfront about his goals and didnt want to be selfish as he knows i have needs. He said this is his priority, in fixing and mending and building this relationship with them. Like i guess somestimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows. Like these things were all deal breakers.. I guess its my responsibiltiy in getting into this when i couldve ran. Hardest thing is to let go... cus im hoding on to the love and chemistry and passion and compatibility that we have that i havent really found in anyone else.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Angela, do you think if he was not with you he would move to Florida to be closer to his kids?

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Angelavictoria
I am sorry but that is no excuse. He let his children go. He deep down was properly relieved to be spared that responsibility of raising children and letting it impact on his lifestyle.

 

He can not even be bothered to see them once every two months based on what you said! That is not a devoted father, money is no object to a man who wants to see his kids.

 

You may think you are.special but you are not. This is a deeply flawed and selfish man.

 

He does not want more children as he cannot bother with the ones he already has. If he has one with you, don't expect him to suddenly change and become this amazing, loyal man.

 

He cannot even be loyal to his own children. That says everything.

 

You are only 30, there are many men your age who are single and childless. Why are you so desperate to go with an older man like him? Man with debts and three kids he cannot bother to see?

 

Yes i get what you are saying, and he gets a lot of judgment for this, he is now a reformed person. but even though hes changed from his past, i do wonder if even having kids with him, how can i even expect him to be there 100% for the child. Also, he had a vasectomy after his last child, but he mentioned in the past he could get it reversed.. but thats another big issue on its own.. and then he told me he doesnt want anymore for sure... which is understandable. I dont know if i want them, it scares me and im not naturally motherly at all... so I am just unsure and have no real answers of if i want this or not. He also admitted that he isnt a traditional father type.. that comes home and do mundane, domesticated things.. and loves to work and create purpose in the world.. and use his intelligence. I get it. these are all alarming red flags and trust me, im not desperate or dumb... i got myself in this situation... and i guess a big part of me is holding on to the love/chemistryy, passion that i never had.. and it feel organic... and the thought of being sad, lonely, and depressed after this... is hindering me from making decisions.

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. . . Initially, these were deal breakers and red flags a person with this much baggage, but I chose to ignore them . . . can't choose who . . . Now things are becoming reality

 

Baggage, needs and goals do not change even if you fall in love with someone. That is the purpose of having deal-breakers to prevent the situation you're in.

 

It's time for you to bite on the reality that you would be the one who would be making a ton of concessions and compromising your hopes, dreams, vision for your future and accepting things you seem pretty clear about right here and now in terms of what you do and don't want for yourself.

 

I think it would be a huge mistake to stick it out with this guy. Good luck with your decision but make sure you get really real with yourself and him.

 

Make sure you aren't making all these concessions and taking a leap because you love who you wish he would be and bring to the relationship rather than what he actually is bringing and who he really is.

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